My eyes were opened!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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I was pretty confused about it for a long time, because I was working on not having expectations in general. I do believe that they often set you up for resentments.
At the same time I get into relationships (with friends, coworkers etc) that end of being pretty out of balance, and I started to very slowly realize that I was labeling them my "friend" but was not getting a lot out of the relationship. I would pour time and energy into the relationship. I finally realized I was doing it as a way to try to "make them into" someone. I was trying so hard to work with their potential instead of where they were actually at. It started when I was young, and I suspect originated in my own insecurities. It took me a long time to realize that my husband brought his own personal challenges to the relationship because I was so steeped in my own and I suspect it was similar in these friendships too. I was trying to be nice (polite), but did not realize that creates it own problems. I have found kind more nuanced but much more balanced. I have found the same with relationships.
It has been freeing and frankly balancing to realize that I don't have to work that hard about anything now, expect myself and my wellbeing.. Some of the relationships have gently shifted away. Some of them I remain friendly with, but they take up much less space in my head, and thus less energy. Many of the easy friendships that I have had in my life, remain that way and that they now have room to expand and deepen. Those are the true friends.
At the same time I get into relationships (with friends, coworkers etc) that end of being pretty out of balance, and I started to very slowly realize that I was labeling them my "friend" but was not getting a lot out of the relationship. I would pour time and energy into the relationship. I finally realized I was doing it as a way to try to "make them into" someone. I was trying so hard to work with their potential instead of where they were actually at. It started when I was young, and I suspect originated in my own insecurities. It took me a long time to realize that my husband brought his own personal challenges to the relationship because I was so steeped in my own and I suspect it was similar in these friendships too. I was trying to be nice (polite), but did not realize that creates it own problems. I have found kind more nuanced but much more balanced. I have found the same with relationships.
It has been freeing and frankly balancing to realize that I don't have to work that hard about anything now, expect myself and my wellbeing.. Some of the relationships have gently shifted away. Some of them I remain friendly with, but they take up much less space in my head, and thus less energy. Many of the easy friendships that I have had in my life, remain that way and that they now have room to expand and deepen. Those are the true friends.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
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Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12 
My job is to keep my side of the street clean. Pay attention to me and my thoughts and behaviour patterns. Me having my focus on someone elses is just another sick distraction I am using to dodge running my own life in a healthy way.
Great job of seeing what you need to do for you! It is about YOU keep your side of the street clean and keep on moving forward!
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Hello Seven of Nine, Life Recovery & Rella, thank you all for posting.
Life Recovery, Balance!!! Oh my. Yes. I relate to that. In my life the balance of EVERYTHING is off. Way off.
I can see it now, or more accurately I FEEL it now. It feels uncomfortable, yucky, not right.
I am usually at one of the two extremes. My goal is to be in the healthy middle. In relationships, giving 50/50.
With my husband I give like 99.999999% ! Which is totally wrong. Now (and this is the painful part when I realised) I do that not because I am such a nice, kind, caring loving person! No! It is CONTROL! Doing it to control.
Due to my own dysfunction and sick needs.
I smother. Trample boundaries, do not allow adults to be adults, in the workplace it showed itself as not delegating. Feeling I had to do everything myself. Sick.
It is so easy to dress up the sick behaviours are if we are being nice and kind. Nooooooooooo. They are just as destructive as the drinking behaviours an alcoholic person shows.
Onwards, lots going on in my life at present, all good chances for awareness for me and then choosing to use more healthy responses or, if appropriate, no response.
Not responding to things is often a game changer, I am experiencing. Keep my mouth closed and walk away. Stops the drama before it gets chance to start.
My hubby's health continues to decline. I am care giving in a kind loving way. I am trusting the process of my recovery journey.
Life Recovery, Balance!!! Oh my. Yes. I relate to that. In my life the balance of EVERYTHING is off. Way off.
I can see it now, or more accurately I FEEL it now. It feels uncomfortable, yucky, not right.
I am usually at one of the two extremes. My goal is to be in the healthy middle. In relationships, giving 50/50.
With my husband I give like 99.999999% ! Which is totally wrong. Now (and this is the painful part when I realised) I do that not because I am such a nice, kind, caring loving person! No! It is CONTROL! Doing it to control.
Due to my own dysfunction and sick needs.
I smother. Trample boundaries, do not allow adults to be adults, in the workplace it showed itself as not delegating. Feeling I had to do everything myself. Sick.
It is so easy to dress up the sick behaviours are if we are being nice and kind. Nooooooooooo. They are just as destructive as the drinking behaviours an alcoholic person shows.
Onwards, lots going on in my life at present, all good chances for awareness for me and then choosing to use more healthy responses or, if appropriate, no response.
Not responding to things is often a game changer, I am experiencing. Keep my mouth closed and walk away. Stops the drama before it gets chance to start.
My hubby's health continues to decline. I am care giving in a kind loving way. I am trusting the process of my recovery journey.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Peacefulwater- Thank you for sharing your story. I think many of us here have suffered with these "growing pains" including myself. Understanding our part in the dance is huge and takes guts and a lot of soul searching and work! Keep taking care of you! I related so well to the running around doing everything while he was in the hospital...I have been there done that too!
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Thank you for your lovely support SmallButMighty, Dandylion, TrailMix and SunCatcher.
He is on hospice care in our home now. It is very quiet time together, feels special.
I do feel a real sense of peace and closure, as he and I had worked hard together to address our respective traits and make amends to each other as best we could. To dig the triggers out at the root and feel them, change perspective.
He had very much bucked against doing this work together (step work pretty much) but once he got used to it and realised I was not going to let it go!!! Over the last few months it has gone well. I am very grateful I had this chance with him. Healing of my underlying issues which attracted us to each other in the first place.
I very much feel had we not been able to do this work together, this period would have been a time of anger and resentment. Hatred, maybe.
Our matching dysfunctions! That fitted together so perfectly.
He is on hospice care in our home now. It is very quiet time together, feels special.
I do feel a real sense of peace and closure, as he and I had worked hard together to address our respective traits and make amends to each other as best we could. To dig the triggers out at the root and feel them, change perspective.
He had very much bucked against doing this work together (step work pretty much) but once he got used to it and realised I was not going to let it go!!! Over the last few months it has gone well. I am very grateful I had this chance with him. Healing of my underlying issues which attracted us to each other in the first place.
I very much feel had we not been able to do this work together, this period would have been a time of anger and resentment. Hatred, maybe.
Our matching dysfunctions! That fitted together so perfectly.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
"I find it amazing that once we see the "codie dance" we can stop it. Stone dead. The other person in the dance may well not be pleased but that is how the cookie crumbles. They will have to adjust."
Peaceful- I copied and pasted this section of your post because it resonated with me so much! I have seen the "codie dance" and stopped but my dance partner is pouting now. There are cookie crumbs everywhere but Im only sweeping up MY crumbs!
Wishing you all the best and wishing healing and clarity for your husband. ❤
Peaceful- I copied and pasted this section of your post because it resonated with me so much! I have seen the "codie dance" and stopped but my dance partner is pouting now. There are cookie crumbs everywhere but Im only sweeping up MY crumbs!
Wishing you all the best and wishing healing and clarity for your husband. ❤
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Originally Posted by suncatcher
"I find it amazing that once we see the "codie dance" we can stop it. Stone dead. The other person in the dance may well not be pleased but that is how the cookie crumbles. They will have to adjust."
Peaceful- I copied and pasted this section of your post because it resonated with me so much! I have seen the "codie dance" and stopped but my dance partner is pouting now. There are cookie crumbs everywhere but Im only sweeping up MY crumbs!
Wishing you all the best and wishing healing and clarity for your husband. ❤
Peaceful- I copied and pasted this section of your post because it resonated with me so much! I have seen the "codie dance" and stopped but my dance partner is pouting now. There are cookie crumbs everywhere but Im only sweeping up MY crumbs!
Wishing you all the best and wishing healing and clarity for your husband. ❤
I am glad what I shared resonated with me. My hubby was a master at pouting!! Haha. I learnt to look the other way. If something doesn't get attention, there is no point doing it!
Amazing how one half of a partnership changing their behaviour affects the whole relationship. Al-anon say this and it is true.
I can see when I met my hubby, I TAUGHT him it was ok for him to behave the way he did. My behaviour taught him that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Originally Posted by Sueby
I’m so sorry, you’re going through this. I’m glad you’re at peace and getting this time with him. Hugs and take care ❤️❤️❤️❤️
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