chrls3110

Hi all, I am new to the forum but not new to handling alcoholism in a loved one. I will give a little back story, as I feel it will help. Growing up, my dad was a closet alcoholic and I was never aware until I was ~14 and he disappeared for a month and I didnt hear back from him (parents are divorced, I stopped going to his house on the weekend during that period with no explanaition.) It made me angry until he told me what happened. My understanding was he was "better" after he went to a rehabilitation facility.
Fast forward to 2019, I'm 23 and I accidentally see texts on my grandmothers phone from my step mom where they were talking bout my dad drinking again. In 2020, my dads brother suddenly died from an accident and it made his drinking worse. He currently is in his second stint at a rehabilitation facility, and my family made me aware of it now that im old enough to understand. Because of my dads situation, I feel that I am more sensitive to copious amounts of alcohol, or I feel that way. I think I need to go to therapy again because last night I had a nightmare that i found my dad sitting in his vehicle with 3 beer cans and an entire handle of liquor and i was crying screaming why does he keep doing this, why cant he stop, etc (in no way do i feel alcoholism is a choice or easy to quit cold turkey. i do not blame my dad for his disease, just how my dream turned out) so I feel that I am suppressing a little bit of trauma and feelings/emotions i dont know how to handle.

I am in a happy, healthy, 2.5 year relationship with a man who I believe is my life partner. We get along, we rarely have fights that are of substance, and we moved in together a year ago. No regrets.

However, I have been made more aware of his drinking. Before when we would visit (long distance) I noticed he was seriously able to either hide his lack of sobriety or he had an amazing tolerance, probably both. But after living together, and most of that time he has been unemployed due to covid, he likes to have a drink from the time he gets up until he goes to bed. sometimes, he will make a drink even knowing hes about to waste it because we are going to bed soon and I have to ask him why he would even do that? To keep it short, he likes to drink a lot and I think he just does not like being sober, especially now that he is home by himself all day while I work. But since covid it just has gotten worse, though this problem dates back to college (I have spoken with his mom.)

I have caught him in lies about going to the liquor store and caught him hiding his liquor bottles, which he did when he lived with his parents post grad. and today, I get home from work, and he has bought and finished a 750 ml bottle of vodka today and is currently asleep on the couch (idk if thats due to the alcohol or that he got up quite early this morning, probably both.)

I have had countless conversations about his drinking and how it affects me, he knows about my dad and his struggles with alcohol and how it has affected his marriage, and I've expressed concerns about his health. He says he will change and drink less, but literally nothing changes. He is never violent, I do not feat for my safety, but he can get mean and combative and start to say things just to hurt me or his parents if he feels hurt when hes drunk. he also gets in weird moods where some of the t hings he says dont make sense and hes hyper-sensitive, and hes just down right annoying and i dont want to be around him.

And quite frankly, I don't know what to do. I feel alone, and I'm worried what will come of it should our relationship continue.

trailmix

Hi chrls3110, welcome! I'm glad you found SR. If you only remember one thing about alcoholism when you think about this, I would recommend it be the 3 c's - you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.

I would be asking - what are my boundaries about my partner drinking?

We talk a lot about boundaries here and that's because it's so important. These are not to be confused with rules, because rules don't work well with grown adults and really we can't control other people (and why would we want to). Boundaries are for you. You decide what the boundary is and what you will do if the boundary is broken, these can be things big or small.

It might be something small like - I'm trying to lose weight so I won't attend any event where sugary desserts are being served, I'll check this out beforehand. If I attend and find that they are, I will politely stay half an hour then leave. Small but effective.

Something bigger might be. I will not live with a person who drinks to excess/chronically and is not actively seeking help. So there is the boundary but how do you follow that up? That's really the question. Your answer might be. If they are not seeking treatment and recovery I will leave the relationship. Or it might be, I will stay only if there is no drinking in the house, if there is, I will move elsewhere.

You get the idea. The difference between the rule and the boundary is that the boundary is all in your power. You can make all the "rules" you like, but that puts the onus on the other person to follow them and you have zero power to enforce them.

I hope that helps. Perhaps you already know what your boundary is?

If he isn't talking about seeking help and getting in to recovery then I would say you can just expect more of the same and a progression of that.

trailmix

One other thing, I would really recommend you learn as much about alcoholism as you can (for you, not for him). He is, by your description, an alcoholic and as you have experienced with your Dad, there is no "cure" for that addiction. Your BF will never be able to drink normally. He is either drinking or he's not drinking, but he will always be an alcoholic.

I suggest this as, even though you grew up with an alcoholic Father, you probably don't really know that much about alcoholism? My Father was also an alcoholic (and never got in to any type of recovery) and I also knew very little about the nuts and bolts of addiction.

There is a stickies section up at the top of this forum so as well as reading the threads here in the forum you might find the ones here helpful as well:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

FallenAngelina

If you are serious about evaluating and changing your life, the first order of business is to be honest with yourself. You say that you're in a happy, healthy relationship but then go on to describe something quite different. Honesty with ourselves has to be at the foundation of any life change, whether it involves another person or not.

mylifeismine

I remember the first time I read that a person who grows up in a dysfunctional
home will pick a mate who feels "comfortable and familiar" i.e. dysfunctional,
and will unconsciously proceed to try and "fix" this person in an attempt to
"fix" the dysfunction of their childhood.

I literally LMAO. I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever read.
Beyond stupid, I thought. Guess what? Growing up in an alcoholic home
does affect you deeply and will continue to impact your life in extremely
negative ways until you understand how it has affected you and you
learn how to have a healthy relationship and how to correctly interpret
the reality of the life you are living.

You are an adult child of an alcoholic, there are support programs,
ACOA, there is a section on this website for it. Many seek the support
of alanon and ACOA and counseling to make positive healthy
changes in their life. The support is much needed.

Nd819

Welcome Chris, I agree with Fallen Angel that it's important to look honestly at your relationship. Is this the kind of home you want to raise children in? I think many of us on this site ignored the red flags and the elephant in the room in hopes that things would change. My experience that living long term with an alcoholic who doesn't want to quit drinking is not fun and no way to spend a life. As I am sure you will read be told, alcoholism is progressive and this will only get worse. You are 23, so young, I would hate to see you spend years of your life trying to change someone, it really never works. I think some counseling could be hugely beneficial to sort through some of the childhood dysfunction.

SmallButMighty

chrls3110, I agree with what the others have already said. When I was your age, I had been married to my high school sweetheart for 3 years and had a one year old child. I THOUGHT I had done a good job of picking my mate, I THOUGHT I had dodged the bullet "that girls grow up and marry men like their Dad". While I HAD picked a man who I had more in common with than my mother did, and I HAD picked a man who was kinder and less condescending than she had... I had not "dodged the bullet". I married a man with a drinking problem. It took me another 15 years to realize what a big problem that had become and how I was actually following in my mum's foot steps. It wasn't until my own life was really falling apart that I examined my upbringing and realized I was repeating a toxic family dynamic, one my parents had repeated and theirs' before them. I raised my own children with in that dynamic. I do not regret having kids with my (ex) husband but I do regret that we didn't raise them in a healthier environment, I do regret we didn't set better examples, I do regret that they saw alcoholism and codependence up front and center all through their most formative years. My daughter is almost 27 and has had THREE alcoholic boyfriends and one other who while not alcoholic was very untruthful and untrustworthy. The difference between her and I is that she recognized these relationships as toxic and got out of them. I am sad she is "wired" towards choosing damaged men she wants to try and love better, but I am glad she is aware of this and is working hard on herself with 12step work and counselling. She is learning in her 20s what I didn't learn until 40 and what my mother never learned. Mum was 70 when my dad died in her arms of his alcohol related chronic illnesses. We are breaking the cycle, my hope is, should my children choose to raise families, that they will not grown up in the dysfunction their parents and grandparents did.

My father was not a violent man, my ex husband was not a violent man. They did not hit or physically intimidate any of us. They provided all the necessities of food, shelter, protection, clothing, money etc. They provided family vacations and many good times with wonderful memories that we will always cherish. But they were alcoholics and they made many mistakes that left many scars on our hearts and our minds. I regret that in my own dysfunction of codependence, I made many of the same mistakes that my own mother made...both with my ex and my kids .... also with myself, most of all with myself.

Alcoholism is progressive, it may take years or even decades to get "bad enough" to be seen as a real problem, but it always gets worse. My dad was in his 60s before his health really started failing, by the time my ex was in his late 30s when I could already see bad things happening to his body, and even worse: his mind. I have said many times, "I married drinker, but I divorced a drunk" ... it's a very sad fact.

There is a book called "Codependent No More", by Melody Beattie. It is an easy read and well worth your time picking up. I learned so much from reading that book, it changed my life. My daughter has read the same book a few times now and it has also helped her deal with some of the cards she has been dealt in this life. It's not the answer to all the problems we face as people who love people with addictions, but it is one of the tools that can help us heal. I hope you will give it a read.

I am sorry you are feeling alone. I know that feeling well. The most alone I ever felt was being in the same room as my drunk husband. That did not make me happy, and it definitely wasn't healthy.

I do hope you will hang out here and keep chatting with us chrls3110, there is lots of support and wisdom being shared on these pages.

dandylion

Nd........in addition to the other good advice that you have been given, here.....I suggest that you would benefit greatly from the group "Adult Children of Alcoholics". Your problems are not unusual.
At least---read their literature.

PeacefulWater12

I also highly recommend the Adult Children of Alcoholics program. It answered so many questions about why I did what I did. Their literature felt to me like someone had written my life story! It was so accurate. I grew up in an alcoholic home too, alcoholic grandparents, great grandparents.

That has affected my choices all my life.

Now I see that, I am working a day at a time to make different ones.

chrls3110

This one hurt! But it needed to be said as you do have a point. Thank you.

chrls3110

Thank you all for your replies. I thought I could respond directly to each, but I cannot figure it out and I hope you get this response. The kindness expressed brings me to tears, comforting and sad ones. My dad is the best man I know but struggles with this horrible disease, and sadly my SO is just like my father in all the likable and unlikable qualities, those being the drinking and hiding the bottles and being untruthful. I will dig deeper into the forums, and there was one reply that hit deep about boundaries. My relationship with my mother is far more toxic than that with my father, her problems being codependent on men, relationships, and completely enmeshing me into her life and her problems at a very young age. I have had to go to therapy due to her unmet mental health needs and has caused me more trauma than I like to admit. I think therapy is a needed next step as i have a lot to sort out. Again, thank you for your words and wisdom.