When to talk to AH about boundaries
 

I’ve been around this board on and off for years. My AH is currently on a 5 day bender. His drinking is absolutely out of control and I have been doing some pretty stupid codie things. I actually went and bought his vodka four times. I do not want him to drive and get a DUI because I don’t want him to hurt anyone and we are on a pretty tight budget right now. However, I have hit a wall with this. I wrote out a list of boundaries and want to go over them with him but he has not been sober since New Year’s Eve day.
I know it won’t do any good to talk to him when he’s drinking.

My question is when do I talk to him? Do I wait until he’s detoxed or do I do it when he’s feeling sick?

We’ve been together for 30 years and I’ve watched his alcoholism get worse over the years. It’s time for me to put the hard boundaries out there with the very real consequence of me leaving him.

Here's the thing about boundaries that is very very difficult: they aren't rules for him to follow, they are guidelines for you to use to help you navigate situations that are unacceptable to you.

Going over them with him is not only unnecessary, in many cases, it's just asking for more trouble.

He will continue to cross your boundaries whether he knows about them or not. What's really important is that you have a plan for what you will do when that happens.

That being said, a lot of people feel like upholding their boundaries is somehow blindsiding the person who trespasses over them. So I understand that you might feel it's just common courtesy to let him know what your boundaries are. I think if you are going to tell him, you can't go in there with the expectation that telling him is going to change anything about how he behaves. So really, figuring out when to tell him depends more on you and when YOU will be ready to tell him what your boundaries are and then let go of whatever he chooses to do with that information.

Does that make sense?

Yes, as SparkleKitty said, boundaries are for us, not for others. You seem to be thinking about drawing up rules. These are two very different concepts.

Thanks, Sparkle and Angelina. It does make sense. I am trying to modify his behavior when he’s drinking. But I know deep down that I can’t change him or his behavior. He’s the only one that can do that. I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. The constant drunkenness is overwhelming. He gets very handsy when he’s drinking. The constant groping is extremely annoying. I feel harassed by my own husband. And , of course, if I complain, it starts a fight which I totally know better than to engage. It’s ridiculous.

Hi Movingforward. Do you think that any boundary will make a difference? Since you have been married 30 years I'm guessing you might have had these conversations with him over and over (and over!). Has anything changed at all?

Hi Trailmix - his behavior has gotten so much worse. His behavior is completely inappropriate and out of control. His buddy was bringing his 11 year old son over for the football games and he stopped because AH can’t control his mouth. I don’t mean just swearing, the content is disgustingly inappropriate. Absolutely no filters. And, yes, I’ve told him to watch it, asked him, begged him and it just gets worse.

I read your earlier posts from 10 years ago, so this is an ongoing thing with him, the inappropriate talk with young people in particular. Obviously that's not going to change.

I'm sorry you have to put up with this! It's got to be very difficult.

Unfortunately at this juncture, you are probably wasting your time. Anyone who has been at this for that long and has not changed one iota, probably isn't going to. Alcoholism is progressive and nothing you say or do will change that.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.

You may want to start planning your exit from this situation? With his behaviour as it is it sounds like your home is no longer any kind of haven for you and you risk being totally isolated with him (as he isolates himself from others with his inappropriate behaviour).

Heya Movingforward, I agree with everything that others are saying about boundaries.

Perhaps make a list but it is not to be shown to him. This list might have: if he starts drinking I will get a hotel room. Boundaries are what YOU will do given certain circumstances.

As we all know, engaging with drunks does not work. When you act on a boundary, it is probably best that you don't even tell him. Just do what you need to do to protect yourself.

This buddy actually offers a great example of a boundary. Drunk friend is not appropriate around kid so kid doesn't come over anymore. Well done to AH's buddy.