Amaranth

It's three years since I left my family home, leaving my two boys with their alcoholic father. It's been a very difficult time and so many things have happened, good and bad, things that I never would have imagined. Three years on and I'm still not divorced, the threats and manipulations from the husband continue......
I want to post an update that will hopefully be useful for anyone starting out on the road of seperation from an alcoholic....for me it has been, complicated, frustrating, painful and heartbreaking. It has also been a time of great personal growth where I have overcome so many obstacles and managed to keep going....hence the title, like the childhood game, I feel like I'm climbing up a ladder then I'm suddenly sliding down again, into despair....
Things that have helped me: my 12 step meeting, weekly counselling sessions, a great network of friends, this forum. I have learned how to ask for help and how to accept it.
I have practiced detachment, acceptance and gratitude. I say practiced because these things do take a lot of practice!!
I had a phase of saying yes to everything. That helped me to focus on joyful things in my life and although the pain and sadness were still there, I didn't give them the space to overwhelm me too often. I ended up joining a choir, modelling for an artist and joined a kickboxing club. My whole life had fallen apart and these opportunities helped to show me another life is possible. In fact many more lives are possible, if we are open to them.
The most useful thing was going no contact with my husband, It took me 2 years and 9 months to get there but I finally did it. I finally accepted that I cannot save him. I finally accept he doesn't even want to be saved, not by me anyway. I have spent many torturous hours worrying about his inevitable death. I now accept that is something that is completely out of my control.
I check myself when I hear me saying "what if" and "if only". What happened, happened. I have to accept that. I didn't stay. I can't undo what was done. I have to work through the guilt I feel about that. I have had to work hard with my relationship with my kids. We are in a good place.
I have moved house 5 times in the last 3 years. I hope to have a place of my own sometime soon. That would give me a sense of security but for the moment I have to accept and enjoy what is. Currently I have free rent, looking after a great house for a friend who is out of town for a few months.
It's been a long journey and I'm not yet at my final destination. I don't know what that is and if I'll ever get there. I guess I thought I'd arrived once, married with kids, our own home and farm. I guess I thought it was "happily ever after".
Who knows what the future will bring but I hope I will be able to take it in my stride. I hope I will be able to continue to feel the joy alongside the pain. There will always be snakes but there are also always more ladders.

Ariesagain

Thanks for the update, Amaranth. I’ve been hoping things were going better for you. I’m so glad to read that you’ve been able to repair your relationship with your children, because as I recall that was a real problem stopping you from detaching from your ex.

But look at you! Kickboxing, no contacting, modeling, with good friends and good support. I am just so very happy for you!

May your new year be everything you’ve hoped and worked so hard for!

woodlandlost

Thank you for your update. There is a lot of growth happening for you, that is so encouraging.

Zevin

VERY encouraging to hear, Amanrath. May 2021 be YOUR year to get everything you want and deserve.

PeacefulWater12

Thank you for sharing your update, I found it very encouraging. Well done on your growth and progress. I hear you when you say it all takes lots of practise.

I agree, we cannot save other people. We can only take care of ourselves.

I had a sick need to "save" too.