flower959

I'm stuck in the cycle of abuse, perhaps. Anyone know of the book "Why Love Hurts"? It talks about different kinds of abusive, the reason behind it (power & control), and the cycle of it. The cycle consists of the Honeymoon phase, then the Tension Rising phase, then the EXPLOSION phase. Then we get to start all over at the Honeymoon phase. (Yay). This book was recommended to me by my counselor after describing a few "incidences" in which had me scared. AH nailed almost every single example of psychological abuse. I had known that he had become abusive because I could identify the manipulation & the gaslighting, and in the end, I knew that it's just about him wanting to keeping doing what he's doing (drinking & expecting everyone to be happy about it).

My AH has been progressing in his alcoholism, especially this lovely 2020 year because we both now work from home and are around each other 24/7. He now has access to his booze 24/7 while when he was at the office, he wouldn't drink for the work day (as far as I know, but who knows). He's never sober any more. Never. There are days (the Honeymoon days perhaps, or part of a day), when he seems a bit more lucid. Those are the moments that suck me back into the cycle. After the Explosions, I'm getting more & more ready to leave. But I'm a planner and because I wait until I'm not so angry & hurt, I lose my nerve to go through with it.

I've done a few things to prepare for leaving. This is the most progress I've ever made so far. I have an emergency bag ready, I got my phone out of his name (amazingly without him knowing), I have a list of things that are sentimental to me & would like to take including a list of documents (my passport, ss card, certificate of birth, etc), I have been working on a little bit of cash fund, etc. Most importantly (to me), is that I have a place to go that's safe and it'll include my precious cat as well. It's amazing to me that I'm getting to the point where I'm ready to leave my AH but not my cat. My cat judges me all the time (LOL. she's a cat.), but I find comfort with her. She's part of my plan.

My AH has his 1st counseling session today. This is huge as he's always spoken out against counseling (I don't understand where that comes from) and has always criticized that profession. While, yes, this gives me some hope (enter Honeymoon phase), I deep down know that it's likely not to stick with him. He's still trying to figure out how to "control" the drinking. He doesn't WANT to stop. And because of that, it'll just progressively get worse. It may get better short term but it's ultimately getting worse over time. I know that. I think I'm getting close to leaving (the next Explosion, maybe?). When I do leave, I need to do it while I'm still angry.

HopeUnending

I'm be no means am a good example of how to get out of the cycle, which I can completely identify with. I too feel stuck in the cycle. Maybe because there are a lot of moving parts that are not so resolved yet for me.
I like to think the fact you and I for that matter see the problems and are making steps to solve them, is better than where you were a year or more ago. It gives the sense of gaining control of your future, right? Like the light at the end of the tunnel.
One day hopefully sooner than later this will be the past to which you are moving away from.

flower959

Yes, I certainly feel like I have a better understanding of alcoholism and of what to expect. I read up on this stuff many years ago but until things starting actually happening, I didn't realize the severity and I didn't want to believe that it would be progressive. And I suppose I wanted to believe that he would be one of the few that could control it. I wanted him to be able to be a normie. That was always my hope. And in my hopes of trying to get through to him through these conversations & even arguments, I'd be disappointed time & time again that he still doesn't see the light. I still get sucked into things with him but I'm definitely better at grey rocking and letting go of what I can't control. I always remember the 3 Cs, and the Serenity Prayer.

I read your thread about making it through Christmas and anticipating/dreading the next binge. Cringe to the binge! I totally get that. Nearly every weekend is a disaster here in my world, so I would get anxiety about the upcoming weekend. The weekends were always the worse. Now that we're both working from home, the weekends nearly seem to be blending in with the weekdays although not quite yet. I can completely empathize with you on the dread of the next binge/event/circus, whatever you want to call it. I get it. And it's not a good way to live.

Yesterday, he wanted to talk (& was actually a bit lucid too). At one point, he said that he felt like he was getting "kicked to the curb". I think he probably senses that I'm at the end of my rope here. I've talked about separation quite a bit with him (he's completely against), but he doesn't know about any of the stuff that I've done to prepare. He told his best buddy last year that he thought I was going to leave him (his wife contacted me). I told him that I certainly didn't intend for it to be "kicking him to the curb", but it was more about me standing up for myself and demanding to be treated better & with respect.

Today, I opened up a savings account. That was my goal for the week. Just one thing at a time.

HopeUnending

I started trying to understand alcoholism a couple years ago. Until then I believed all the false promises, apologies, and the idea he could just quit and that's that. I realized he had reached a level I never thought "he" would ever reach in his behavior, transition from functioning to nonfunctional, and the short spans between binges. Progressive is the part that hit me hardest too. I too have started focusing on the 3 C's and prayers in general when I find myself trying to involve myself in preventing, discouraging or invading his decisions. Takes a bit of weight off my shoulders seeing how I never could have influenced his decisions anyway not matter what I tried.
I confided in a mutual friend my plans to leave my AH. She has a live in drug addicted XH. She takes him back over and over. I thought I could trust her seeing how she gets the toll addiction takes on the other party. This was back in July. She told her ex who told my AH. Let's say that went over like a ton of bricks. And really set me back in courage and in taking any actions, I felt it best to lay low a while. It affected my trust to open up to anyone. I just worked up the courage a few weeks ago to even start working on my plan again.
That is great that you made another step forward! I can imagine the feeling of seeing yourself one step closer.

SmallButMighty

Flower, it's great to see you have made more advances in your preparedness. I know there is a relief that comes with each little step. I know the bank account step was a "biggy" for me. It felt awkward, even a bit like I was betraying my AXH, but the degree of independence and strength I gained from that particular step was very significant to me.

I am sure your AH senses that things are shifting with you. Once I started learning about, erecting and enforcing boundaries of my own, my AXH started to panic. I believe that he knew I was preparing to leave long before I was consciously considering it. He tried quite a few different tactics trying to manipulate me into not changing the way things had always "worked" for us. I am sure it's very upsetting to them when their control tactics don't work the way they always have before. I am also sure my AXH didn't consider himself manipulative or controlling, but when it came to him "getting away" with his alcoholic behavior he absolutely was. So, when his posturing, financial threats, or pity parties stopped having the affect on me the way they always had before, that really upset the way his world worked. He even made comments to me and others about me changing and being concerned about that. I'm sure he was concerned, but it wasn't me he was concerned about, it was about how my changing was affecting the status quo. I know how uncomfortable he was with the changing dynamic, but I had gotten to a point where I finally understood his discomforts were not my problems to solve. I'd been so uncomfortable myself for so long it had become my "normal"... I knew to save my sanity, I couldn't concern myself with his reactions to my growth... even before I knew that was going to mean my leaving. He definitely knew big changes were coming before I did.

I'm glad you are digging deep and finding the courage to take each step at a pace that is comfortable for you. Try to stay focused on what is in your own best interest. Him saying things like "you are kicking me to the curb" is manipulation... a healthy man would not try to make you feel sorry enough for him that you'd stay in a situation that was painful for you.

Thank you for continuing to keep us updated on your progress Flower. I am sure you are giving hope and support to many other people by sharing the story of your journey with us. So many people only read and never post, so threads like yours are so very important to our community here.

trailmix

Yes! This made me so happy for you flower. It's great that you keep doing the next right thing for yourself.