pizza67

“You really do have all the power here.” Others have said that to me and I wonder why I am so afraid of his stupid threats like cutting off our health insurance (can’t be done once you file until settlement, actually). He used to threaten to take the kids away if I left, like to see him try that one now

DiggingForFire

Have you read “Why Does he Do that?” By Lundy Bancroft? It’s clarifying and does help think through how to leave as well.

I left one of these guys when we had a small kid. It wasn’t easy, and I did it when I saw an opening logistically, and it was clear I couldn’t put it off any more and not have it deeply harm my kid.

read the book. Call a DV help line that can help you plan. You take the threat seriously without being paralyzed by fear by making a plan for how you leave and what resources you can marshall, and then leaving. Staying out of fear doesn’t stop the threat. I had a scary period after a left, but the storm got worse and then better and I don’t live in chaos now or with a weight on my chest and a lump in my throat.

silentrun

All his threats will fall apart. He has no power so he had to feed off yours.

trailmix

They think that because he really does seem unhinged. That's why it's so important to get that extra help. I know you are scared, but taking that first step and speaking with them about a plan to get out might make you feel a lot better.

https://www.thehotline.org/what-to-e...ou-contact-us/
Our advocates are here to listen without judgement and help you begin to address what’s going on in your relationship. Our services are always free and available 24/7.

Call: 800.799.SAFE (7233)

Nd819

Pizza, I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like he is becoming more unhinged, or has he always been this bad? I will say from what you share he sounds like a very mentally ill person. I know it's way easier said than done but any decision i've made out of fear has been a bad one. I'm not saying you don't have legitimate fears but make a plan to stay safe and get out of that situation. Can you stay with family for awhile while things are worked out? Can you make him leave? He sounds miserable at the situation as well, you might be surprised that when push comes to shove maybe he doesn't want to live like this anymore either.

dandylion

pizza......this might not sound like a very good analogy, but, it is one that occurs to me---as I think it is a basic concept for all crisis situations......in CPR training, it is taught that the first thing to do is to call for HELP.
I think that applies in this kind of situation, as well.

pizza67

Ok jsyk I have a therapist and I have consulted with relevant outside help. I haven’t consulted w DV hotline. I have no intention of handling this alone. I just dread what happens when he has no incentive to reel any of it back. (And he still lives here because he wouldn’t be removed, that would happen later. And what he will do in court. ) Believe it or not he has been reeling it back from where it could be. But he is pushing me to a point where I can’t keep the status quo.

silentrun

Cross that bridge when you get there. You've called in help so between you and them it will get figured out.

FallenAngelina

It's an extraordinarily rare (unrecovering) alcoholic who can maintain any sort of reeling it back. I'm not sure exactly what you mean by reeling, but (unrecovering) alcoholics are near incapable of maintaining any sort of positive thought change - and therefor behavior change. Don't ever wait for an (unrecovering) alcoholic to make things better. It simply will not happen.

And everyone is correct - you have an immense power in this situation. Look toward resources and individuals who illuminate that power for you.

dandylion

pizza.....the DV people are there to help and support you when/if the "bad stuff"----the kind that you are dreading should happen. They can even get you a court advocate to accompany you to court and explain any of those kind of processes to you. It is like having "friends in your back pocket".....friends who are understanding, experienced and have a lot of resources at their disposal that you may not even know about.
You have nothing to lose but a lot to gain by getting these additional resources.

Ariesagain

What Dandylion said!

There’s another reason to have this on record with DV experts...if it gets uglier, you will have a plan and the connections to get out in a hurry. And if he tries to take you to court, the more third party experts you have to back you up, the better.

The fact is that you are afraid of him. It doesn’t have to get physical to be abuse.

pizza67

He just texted me that he wanted to hear my plan of action today for getting the kids to be more civil to him (to put it off I had said I would think about this a little while back). My immediate thought is to say that there’s a distinction between not swearing at him or being rude, and being willing to interact with him, the latter of which is not up to me at all. And that they don’t believe he has tried to make repairs with them and won’t until they think he gets their feelings and demonstrates his plan for behavior change besides not drinking (ie still dry drunk). If I start
to say any of this, he will cut me off midsentence and get angry that I’m still talking about him and not their behavior. At that point I’d have to say that I don’t see any other way to repair things so maybe we need space. Don’t have a lawyer yet. Don’t know what else to say or do today. I’m sure I disgust a lot of you with my waffling and tbh I disgust myself sometimes. Thanks for reading this and any replies appreciated.

dandylion

pizza.....here is my suggestion----call the local dv workers and ask that they put you in touch with a lawyer that is familiar with this kind of domestic situation. they will have a list. It is best to work with lawyers who have experience in this area...at least for first consultations. This will be kept confidential, of course.
Otherwise, I suggest that you continue about your daily activities as you normally would----don't want to give him an indication that something might be up.

SparkleKitty

I am not going to advise you what to say to him. That is a dead end street.

I don’t fundamentally believe that his relationship with his children is in any respect your responsibility. If he wants them to be civil with him, it is up to him to manage it.

Accepting his premise that it is somehow yours is something you have control over. The rest, isn’t.

Nd819

Pizza, my husband does the same thing to me with regards to the kids, that somehow their relationship is my responsibility. It's so frustrating because he can't see that they have some legitimate gripes with his drinking and that it drives a wedge between them. Yet somehow I am supposed to magically fix them.

pizza67

ok nd and what do you do with that?

Ariesagain

Why aren’t you blocking him again?

Again, don’t respond.

Again, he’s not your boss or your professor. He doesn’t get to give you homework assignments.

Again, all he wants to do is start a fight. Followed by a self-pity party with multiple beverages.

Can you just leave for the afternoon? Get in the car, turn off your phone and drive. If it’s at all nice where you are, go for a long walk. Alone.

pizza67

I blocked him right before I read this lol. I am probably going to run an errand.

Ariesagain

Excellent. The more time you can spend away from him the more your head can clear.

Just keep him blocked or you’re just taking him along.

LLLisa

So true. It doesn't matter one little bit what you say. Ever. Because he is going to do what he is going to do. You have no magic words. None. What you have are your very powerful ACTIONS.

Yep. You need to save yourself. Don't let him drag you down into his long, slow suicide.