dandylion

SeekingHelp......lol--back to semantics again. Do you, perhaps, mean that you prefer relationships that are mostly peaceful and fairly free of major conflicts and disturbance----rather than just "simple".
In my view, we humans are complex and the dynamics of any relationship are multifactoral----so, I feel like the word "simple" doesn't quite cover it.
I am remembering when I met my last and wonderful husband. There was so little conflict within myself and, apparently, not with him, either. It just felt comfortable and safe--down deep. It felt nourishing and inspiring. I am not to say that there weren't a lot of challenges---as we were both going through a lot of hurdles from external circumstances, at the time. We did do a lot of talking, from the beginning---more like discussions about these hurdles and how we would, as a team, approach and deal with them. We both vowed to always keep our cards on the table---always be honest with each other---open and honest. Yes, sometimes things were hard---omg, very hard----but, mostly, we were at peace with each other. (in case you are wondering---yes, he was hot.hot, hot,---and I was very attracted to him in the biologic way)

Could this be what you are talking about?

nez

The reasons for anonymity are much more complex than most people are aware of. Reading the long form of tradition twelve helps to shed more light and reveal more than the mere the tip of the iceberg that is anonymity. But even that is like reading CliffsNotes.

When I go to meetings, who is there...or not there...is not a consideration at all. If I don't go a particular meeting because a certain person is going to be there, that would be avoidance. Avoidance was a major reason for my drinking in the first place. Wanting to avoid reality, unpleasantries, situations that weren't to my liking, judgements of other people, my judgements of me, etc, etc. etc. The list goes on ad infinitum. To stay in recovery, I need to be crystal clear on the motives behind my behavior. Avoidance sends up red flags that I need to be cognizant of and fully investigate before getting into action.

dandylion

I agree with Nez.....that avoidance can be BIG for the alcoholic.I have seen that over and over and over. It doesn't even just belong to alcoholics, either.

Seekinghelp2764

Yes, I meant free from conflict, drama, or major stressors. For instance, I won't date anyone who has a combative relationship with an ex. I have a conflict-free life and have worked very hard to keep it that way. I would rather remain single than have a partner who disturbs my peaceful existence. That is a promise I have made for myself and my child.

velma929

When I met Current Partner, it was like this - (still is) I was older, in my 50s. But it wasn't like the lust and excitement of my youth. It reminded me of a woman who was asked if it felt different, now that she was married - and she said no. They had had the sense of commitment for a long time.

All in all, I wish I had dated more when I was younger. I think my parents didn't want us to concentrate on being 15-year-old man-traps, and I certainly get why they wouldn't. But they never talked to us about dating and choosing partners - at all. And Dad was a very functional alcoholic.

Seekinghelp2764

I've started a discussion about this with my partner. He was very understanding and explained that people simply tell their stories and there is no emotional bonding that takes place, contrary to Hollywood. He also said I am welcome to join a meeting when I am ready (I don't feel ready at this time) and I plan on attending his "birthday" meeting in August. His former partner did make passive aggressive comments a few months after he broke up with her but has not done so in the recent past. He is honest to a fault (sometimes I wish he wouldn't share in such great detail) and he assured me that he would tell me if she did anything.

Seekinghelp2764

This is good to know. Thank you, both for sharing

nez

This and some other things make me think your partner has a solid foundation for his recovery. Avoidance is a part of a healthy lifestyle for anyone (alcoholic or not), but it should not be a driving force if one wants a full life. I can't go to the grocery store without seeing alcohol. When I leave my house, I may encounter traffic. When I go see my doctor, he may have something to tell me that I don't want to hear. The list goes on ad infinitum! I don't want to avoid life, because that would be no life!

HardLessons

I have a few questions

1. His ex

Is she ex wife or gf?
How long were they together?
How exactly do you know she is currently pinning for him?

2. Your partner

Is he your husband or bf?
How long have you known him?
Do you live together or have separate places?
Does he have a job?
Does he have children?
Is he financially stable?
How long has he been an alcoholic / addict?
Do you know to what extent alcohol / addiction has negatively impacted his life?
Where did the two of you meet?
What is it about this guy that interests you? I don't believe I read you mention the word love.

3 You

Why do you see a therapist?

Thanks

FallenAngelina

Except that there is emotional bonding - and lots of it. The whole point of the 12 Step community is a place where we can develop our understanding of ourselves and our spirituality in a setting that fosters healthy emotional closeness among members. My take is that someone who isn't emotionally bonding with others in his/her program hasn't really surrendered to what the program is all about and therefor has only dipped a toe in what recovery has to offer. If you and he are referring to romances, well, they happen, too. Not all the time, but romances do happen. People get close and develop deep fondness in 12 Step meetings, after meetings and doing service for the recovery community. Anyone who has a sponsor (and most people in recovery programs do have a sponsor) is developing an emotional bond. Many people say that their program is the first time in their lives that they have experienced true and healthy intimacy (and intimacy is so much more than just sexual.)

So your BF can say for himself that he doesn't experience emotional bonding and he certainly can say that he isn't interested in his ex-GF, but he can't accurately say that there is no intimacy in AA meetings. People develop extraordinary bonds with one another in these programs and for many people it's the time when they discover what real love is all about.

Seekinghelp2764

Perhaps I misspoke. He has created strong bonds and great friendships within the community. He just meant that he doesnt feel intimacy with her.

nez

I knew what was meant. I have heard it likened to the bond that develops between people on a life boat after a disaster at sea. That analogy rings true in my experience.

Seekinghelp2764

Yes! That rings true based on what he described.

Seekinghelp2764

It is an ex girlfriend. They dated for just 6 months. We discussed their relationship and the fact that she was reaching out and harassing him to the point that he had to block her leads him to believe that she is pining for him.

ItsNotYou2

Sharing experience:

Many As also exhibit narcissistic behaviors. One of those behaviors is triangulation. You are hearing from...him that she is pining for him.

What "truthful to a fault" story could he be sharing about you?

Tread carefully.

Seekinghelp2764

Nothing frightening. I just meant that he shared with me she called and the conversation was unpleasant and he ended up blocking her. He will tell me about any minor phone calls and texts. I don't think it is necessary to share as it has zero impact on our relationship.

Re. The pining comment, I don't necessarily think of that as triangulation. They only dated for 6 months and he ended it 5 months ago yer she called wanting to discuss the relationship. He has moved and has been dating. Based on that, I asked "Is she still pining for you?"

Snowman7

How did you find out his ex girlfriend was there? What makes you interested in being a part of HIS problem? I think if you do not trust your partner or you suspect something could happen then the person you need to look after is yourself. It could be time to end the relationship and move on. You don’t control what other people do or plan to do.

Seekinghelp2764

I know because he told me. I am not trying to control him. I was trying to decide if it was okay to even bring this up because it is an AA meeting and not a social event. My question here was not an attempt to control but me trying to decide if I should just walk away or have a discussion first.

Zevin

It would bother me too, Seeking Help.

Zevin

Have a discussion first but...yeah.... I think it’s a bit much