When will enough be enough ?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
No one chooses to stay in an unhappy or abusive situation because they like it.
I can only tell you that it took time for me to for past my fears of what would happen if and after I got out. It took time for me to believe that I was a person who deserved respectful treatment. Even then, I did not leave with full confidence. There was still an element of facing my fears. It was an act of self-love to leave, and I wasn't there until I was.
I can only tell you that it took time for me to for past my fears of what would happen if and after I got out. It took time for me to believe that I was a person who deserved respectful treatment. Even then, I did not leave with full confidence. There was still an element of facing my fears. It was an act of self-love to leave, and I wasn't there until I was.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: K.C.MO
Posts: 425
Mine took when my blood work showed that I was damaging my liver, Live enzymes were high, my BP was shy high and nothing would bring it down. Alcohol will kill you. And if you don't believe it or you don't care .....I want to be around to meet my future grandchildren.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by pizza67 
Wondering when I will have the cojones to say I’m done with AH. What the hell else could my rock bottom look like?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
Originally Posted by travelbug
Mine took when my blood work showed that I was damaging my liver, Live enzymes were high, my BP was shy high and nothing would bring it down. Alcohol will kill you. And if you don't believe it or you don't care .....I want to be around to meet my future grandchildren.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
Originally Posted by trailmix
You know, I know your history on this but never forget, just because you may feel "stuck" somewhere doesn't mean you have to do anything about him. You can be an island in your own home. You can look at him as kind of a bad room-mate that you can't ask to move right now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by pizza67
this is what I’m trying to do. My problem is when he drags the kids into it or when they get on my case to remove him. Hard for me to distance like that
Do the kids understand they are just being played against you? They might not be so willing to play his game if they knew they were also being played.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
Originally Posted by trailmix
Oh it's hard for sure! No question about that. When he brings the kids in to it, I think the only thing you can do is tell them to stop - him and the kids. You don't actually need to get involved in the argument/discussion - since you know it's all an act on his part anyway.
Do the kids understand they are just being played against you? They might not be so willing to play his game if they knew they were also being played.
Do the kids understand they are just being played against you? They might not be so willing to play his game if they knew they were also being played.
i don’t think they see how. Not sure I do either.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
pizza.......It can be hard to impossible to be "an island unto yourself" while in the middle of abuse. Unless you want to be a miserable island, of course. And, how in the world do children become "islands unto their own" while living in such dysfunction? I don''t think it possible---that is not how children develop.
I think that one of the biggest obstacles that keeps people stuck is the resistance to obtain enough support from those who are willing and able to help them. The resistance to ask for and recieve help can be enormous for some people. A strong support is essential, in my opinion. The more afraid that one is, the more important it becomes.
We preach to the alcoholic, all of the time, that they need to seek help---of the right kind and amount. We tell them that they can't do it alone. Yet, we often do not take that same advice and apply it to ourselves.
pizza.....as I have talked about, in several posts to you----that the local domestic violence organization has a lot of the kind of help that will support....from a supportive shoulder to counseling to legal help to financial and all sorts of practical kinds of support....as well as help for your sons and daughter,
I still maintain that it is true. And, there are other sources of support, as well....if you are willing to open yourself over to it.
The alcoholic who is desperate to become sober will cling to any and all help that they can get......
The same applies to us, I think.
I believe that ErinGoBraugh is correct when she says that when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving...you will fight to do so.
I say that we never know how brave we are until there is no other option.
I think that one of the biggest obstacles that keeps people stuck is the resistance to obtain enough support from those who are willing and able to help them. The resistance to ask for and recieve help can be enormous for some people. A strong support is essential, in my opinion. The more afraid that one is, the more important it becomes.
We preach to the alcoholic, all of the time, that they need to seek help---of the right kind and amount. We tell them that they can't do it alone. Yet, we often do not take that same advice and apply it to ourselves.
pizza.....as I have talked about, in several posts to you----that the local domestic violence organization has a lot of the kind of help that will support....from a supportive shoulder to counseling to legal help to financial and all sorts of practical kinds of support....as well as help for your sons and daughter,
I still maintain that it is true. And, there are other sources of support, as well....if you are willing to open yourself over to it.
The alcoholic who is desperate to become sober will cling to any and all help that they can get......
The same applies to us, I think.
I believe that ErinGoBraugh is correct when she says that when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving...you will fight to do so.
I say that we never know how brave we are until there is no other option.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by pizza67
i don’t think they see how. Not sure I do either.
I also hear what dandylion is saying, with help from outside sources, like DV, this could all be so much easier for you. Right now you don't know what your resources are or what options you have, a phone call could put you in touch with people that know about all those resources. Doesn't mean you have to do anything the moment you call them, just means they can lay out for you what's available then you get to have that information and that will make you feel so much more at ease and not worry so much. When you are feeling "stuck" you will know that really you aren't, you have people available to you that want to help you.
When you then want to act you know where to find those resources and who to contact.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
Originally Posted by trailmix
What I meant was, when you block him or ignore him or disagree with him, he knows to get the teens involved because that is guaranteed to get you involved. It's an escalation. He wants the attention and he will get that any way he can.
I also hear what dandylion is saying, with help from outside sources, like DV, this could all be so much easier for you. Right now you don't know what your resources are or what options you have, a phone call could put you in touch with people that know about all those resources. Doesn't mean you have to do anything the moment you call them, just means they can lay out for you what's available then you get to have that information and that will make you feel so much more at ease and not worry so much. When you are feeling "stuck" you will know that really you aren't, you have people available to you that want to help you.
When you then want to act you know where to find those resources and who to contact.
I also hear what dandylion is saying, with help from outside sources, like DV, this could all be so much easier for you. Right now you don't know what your resources are or what options you have, a phone call could put you in touch with people that know about all those resources. Doesn't mean you have to do anything the moment you call them, just means they can lay out for you what's available then you get to have that information and that will make you feel so much more at ease and not worry so much. When you are feeling "stuck" you will know that really you aren't, you have people available to you that want to help you.
When you then want to act you know where to find those resources and who to contact.
they say they can’t ignore him and it’s unfair for me to tell them to, and why is he still
here etc etc
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by pizza67
they say they can’t ignore him and it’s unfair for me to tell them to, and why is he still
here etc etc
here etc etc
When I said "an island" as in distancing yourself, I didn't mean that for the kids, they have minds of their own. I also didn't mean that you shouldn't stick up for them, because of course you will.
My point was more about distancing yourself emotionally from your AH.
You know the only solution here is to leave. I know you're scared and you don't feel like anyone has your back. But we do and other people will too if you let them help you.
Another thing to think about, people who work in domestic violence agencies chose that type of career because they truly want to help people, it is what they specialize in. These organizations exist because situations like this are everywhere. Nothing you tell them will surprise them. Nothing you tell a case worker or a lawyer they refer you to will surprise them, they will know exactly what you are talking about.
He's not worth destroying your life for, he's absolutely not worth losing your children over. You are important you know, you deserve to feel safe and content and hey, even happy.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Originally Posted by pizza67
they say they can’t ignore him and it’s unfair for me to tell them to, and why is he still
here etc etc
here etc etc
This is why information is power. At the very least, if your children understand why it isn’t a wave-of-the-magic-wand kind of thing, they might get off your back a bit?
To repeat: Information is power.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
This is another reason to start talking to outside resources as to what your situation might really look like post-AH. Your kids seem to think that you could just walk him to the door, give him a good shove, and change the locks and nothing in their lives would have to change, so why aren’t you doing that? If you have a full understanding of how things could end up financially and logistically, it would not only help you plan better, but you could then sit them down, somewhere away from the house and him, and explain exactly what that means. Would you and the kids have to move? Find an apartment? Sell the house? Would they be required by a custody agreement to spend time with him? Would they have to give up some things due to finances? Alcoholic exes aren’t always the greatest at paying child support on time...or at all.
This is why information is power. At the very least, if your children understand why it isn’t a wave-of-the-magic-wand kind of thing, they might get off your back a bit?
To repeat: Information is power.
This is why information is power. At the very least, if your children understand why it isn’t a wave-of-the-magic-wand kind of thing, they might get off your back a bit?
To repeat: Information is power.
yes I’ve told them and they’re still pushing for it
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
