He Died after we separated
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He Died after we separated
Hi,
my fiancé and I separated 2 months ago. I blocked him from phone contact a month ago. He died last week.
I was with him for 2.5 years and got him into rehab and he stayed clean for over a year in a half and it was perfect. I always said one drink and I will leave because when he drank before he got very angry, said the most horrible things, and even hit me, broke my tooth and gave me an std. I stayed? He only drank for 2 years but had two triggers and his mother was one of them. A family member died and I said maybe send condolences? then for the next two months she was in our lives and is an alcoholic.
we said no contact if drinking and she called his ten year old son on FaceTime drunk and that triggered the relapse.
he was acting different more angry, but the one day he came home and said we have to break up. And that was the day I found out he started drinking. He left the house and came back smelling like alcohol. He drove off with his kids as I tried to stop him and he came back later that night and I told him to get out the house.
I tried to get him into rehab, pay for a detox at least, I got him into an outpatient but he started drinking so heavy and he was in the hospital back and forth, lied about having cancer. I think it was he drank to much.
anyway I had to block he didn’t want help, out last text was. I said we can talk but we will not talk about drinking.
now I’m stuck with I should helped more he called our landlords the night he died asking if I still lived there.
I didn’t call him.... I feel like it was my fault but I know I can’t control that.
im angry he’s gone. The first time I went down to 97 pounds from the drinking king when he went in rehab.... when I started loosing weight again that when I had to block. It was just lie after lie.
he started adding all the girls on his accounts recently too so I feel like wow thanks. and did u even care? To I should have done more to I left because I didn’t want to deal with this.
I don’t think ppl understand how fast that tornado hits and it will pull you down so fast so far and your not even the one drinking. I almost lost my business before he went into rehab. I built it and almost again from being upset the first month of break up...
im so conflicted I’m so angry, beyond hurt, crying and I have never been a cryer. Nor date an addict.
Does anyone know how to heal from this? I try to look at it like god pulled me out so I didn’t have to find him again...(he tried to commit suicide once while sober, I stopped it and he got into therpy)
but I feel guilty about not calling. But also if I did I would have gotten sucked right back in.
my fiancé and I separated 2 months ago. I blocked him from phone contact a month ago. He died last week.
I was with him for 2.5 years and got him into rehab and he stayed clean for over a year in a half and it was perfect. I always said one drink and I will leave because when he drank before he got very angry, said the most horrible things, and even hit me, broke my tooth and gave me an std. I stayed? He only drank for 2 years but had two triggers and his mother was one of them. A family member died and I said maybe send condolences? then for the next two months she was in our lives and is an alcoholic.
we said no contact if drinking and she called his ten year old son on FaceTime drunk and that triggered the relapse.
he was acting different more angry, but the one day he came home and said we have to break up. And that was the day I found out he started drinking. He left the house and came back smelling like alcohol. He drove off with his kids as I tried to stop him and he came back later that night and I told him to get out the house.
I tried to get him into rehab, pay for a detox at least, I got him into an outpatient but he started drinking so heavy and he was in the hospital back and forth, lied about having cancer. I think it was he drank to much.
anyway I had to block he didn’t want help, out last text was. I said we can talk but we will not talk about drinking.
now I’m stuck with I should helped more he called our landlords the night he died asking if I still lived there.
I didn’t call him.... I feel like it was my fault but I know I can’t control that.
im angry he’s gone. The first time I went down to 97 pounds from the drinking king when he went in rehab.... when I started loosing weight again that when I had to block. It was just lie after lie.
he started adding all the girls on his accounts recently too so I feel like wow thanks. and did u even care? To I should have done more to I left because I didn’t want to deal with this.
I don’t think ppl understand how fast that tornado hits and it will pull you down so fast so far and your not even the one drinking. I almost lost my business before he went into rehab. I built it and almost again from being upset the first month of break up...
im so conflicted I’m so angry, beyond hurt, crying and I have never been a cryer. Nor date an addict.
Does anyone know how to heal from this? I try to look at it like god pulled me out so I didn’t have to find him again...(he tried to commit suicide once while sober, I stopped it and he got into therpy)
but I feel guilty about not calling. But also if I did I would have gotten sucked right back in.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 146
Dear J109,
My condolences. Essentially the same thing happened to me quite a while ago. We had actually divorced and I had remarried. About 1.5 years after divorce, he died of an alcohol/drug OD. I absolutely know that God did, indeed, spare us from not only finding him gone, but from the responsibility of cleaning up his financial mess.
The "what if's" will play over and over in your head. But when you can think logically, you know there was nothing you could have done to change the outcome. You are not God and do not have that power. In time, you will believe it. But for now, know that you had to save yourself and your children. He made unfortunately choices that took his life - it is not your fault.
My condolences. Essentially the same thing happened to me quite a while ago. We had actually divorced and I had remarried. About 1.5 years after divorce, he died of an alcohol/drug OD. I absolutely know that God did, indeed, spare us from not only finding him gone, but from the responsibility of cleaning up his financial mess.
The "what if's" will play over and over in your head. But when you can think logically, you know there was nothing you could have done to change the outcome. You are not God and do not have that power. In time, you will believe it. But for now, know that you had to save yourself and your children. He made unfortunately choices that took his life - it is not your fault.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by J109 
but I feel guilty about not calling. But also if I did I would have gotten sucked right back in.
You know, you really couldn't have controlled this. Even if you had been speaking to him there is no guarantee that he would have called you and that would have stopped him anyway and what about the next time and the next.
It's a tragedy that he didn't reach out for help, but not under your control.
Sometimes it is obvious that you just need to take the correct path for yourself, which is what you did. You didn't want to live the rest of your life with an abusive alcoholic and why would you!
He had whatever demons he had, but you didn't cause them and you absolutely had no control over them or him.
Anyway, it will hurt for a while no doubt, someone you cared about is gone, but in no way are you responsible. The best way to heal is to start focusing back on yourself and what you want. If there are things that you used to like to do that you have perhaps let go of, try revisiting them. Take good care of yourself, sleep, good food, walks. Binge watch something you have meant to watch. None of these things may feel particularly "happy making" right now, or even be particularly enjoyable, but they give your mind a break and help you to relax a bit and focus on something else.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
You can lead an alcoholic to help. But,you can't force them to get help. You tried, it was up to him to take the 1st step.Don't blame yourself. It was a wise decision to not get sucked into the hole he was digging.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,378
I agree with all this. Trying to control an active alcoholic, even when we feel it's for their own good, is like trying to catch the wind.
I am very sorry for your loss, but you are not the one who made this happen J109.
D
I am very sorry for your loss, but you are not the one who made this happen J109.
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by BellaBlue
Dear J109,
My condolences. Essentially the same thing happened to me quite a while ago. We had actually divorced and I had remarried. About 1.5 years after divorce, he died of an alcohol/drug OD. I absolutely know that God did, indeed, spare us from not only finding him gone, but from the responsibility of cleaning up his financial mess.
The "what if's" will play over and over in your head. But when you can think logically, you know there was nothing you could have done to change the outcome. You are not God and do not have that power. In time, you will believe it. But for now, know that you had to save yourself and your children. He made unfortunately choices that took his life - it is not your fault.
My condolences. Essentially the same thing happened to me quite a while ago. We had actually divorced and I had remarried. About 1.5 years after divorce, he died of an alcohol/drug OD. I absolutely know that God did, indeed, spare us from not only finding him gone, but from the responsibility of cleaning up his financial mess.
The "what if's" will play over and over in your head. But when you can think logically, you know there was nothing you could have done to change the outcome. You are not God and do not have that power. In time, you will believe it. But for now, know that you had to save yourself and your children. He made unfortunately choices that took his life - it is not your fault.
im sorry for your loss too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi J109, so sorry that happened to him and to you.
You know, you really couldn't have controlled this. Even if you had been speaking to him there is no guarantee that he would have called you and that would have stopped him anyway and what about the next time and the next.
It's a tragedy that he didn't reach out for help, but not under your control.
Sometimes it is obvious that you just need to take the correct path for yourself, which is what you did. You didn't want to live the rest of your life with an abusive alcoholic and why would you!
He had whatever demons he had, but you didn't cause them and you absolutely had no control over them or him.
Anyway, it will hurt for a while no doubt, someone you cared about is gone, but in no way are you responsible. The best way to heal is to start focusing back on yourself and what you want. If there are things that you used to like to do that you have perhaps let go of, try revisiting them. Take good care of yourself, sleep, good food, walks. Binge watch something you have meant to watch. None of these things may feel particularly "happy making" right now, or even be particularly enjoyable, but they give your mind a break and help you to relax a bit and focus on something else.
You know, you really couldn't have controlled this. Even if you had been speaking to him there is no guarantee that he would have called you and that would have stopped him anyway and what about the next time and the next.
It's a tragedy that he didn't reach out for help, but not under your control.
Sometimes it is obvious that you just need to take the correct path for yourself, which is what you did. You didn't want to live the rest of your life with an abusive alcoholic and why would you!
He had whatever demons he had, but you didn't cause them and you absolutely had no control over them or him.
Anyway, it will hurt for a while no doubt, someone you cared about is gone, but in no way are you responsible. The best way to heal is to start focusing back on yourself and what you want. If there are things that you used to like to do that you have perhaps let go of, try revisiting them. Take good care of yourself, sleep, good food, walks. Binge watch something you have meant to watch. None of these things may feel particularly "happy making" right now, or even be particularly enjoyable, but they give your mind a break and help you to relax a bit and focus on something else.
Self care... that’s what for me to the break up. But the death.... I’m trying. I have to remember this. Thank you. For replying! don’t really many people that can understand this.
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Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by trailmix
Hi J109, so sorry that happened to him and to you.
You know, you really couldn't have controlled this. Even if you had been speaking to him there is no guarantee that he would have called you and that would have stopped him anyway and what about the next time and the next.
It's a tragedy that he didn't reach out for help, but not under your control.
Sometimes it is obvious that you just need to take the correct path for yourself, which is what you did. You didn't want to live the rest of your life with an abusive alcoholic and why would you!
He had whatever demons he had, but you didn't cause them and you absolutely had no control over them or him.
Anyway, it will hurt for a while no doubt, someone you cared about is gone, but in no way are you responsible. The best way to heal is to start focusing back on yourself and what you want. If there are things that you used to like to do that you have perhaps let go of, try revisiting them. Take good care of yourself, sleep, good food, walks. Binge watch something you have meant to watch. None of these things may feel particularly "happy making" right now, or even be particularly enjoyable, but they give your mind a break and help you to relax a bit and focus on something else.
You know, you really couldn't have controlled this. Even if you had been speaking to him there is no guarantee that he would have called you and that would have stopped him anyway and what about the next time and the next.
It's a tragedy that he didn't reach out for help, but not under your control.
Sometimes it is obvious that you just need to take the correct path for yourself, which is what you did. You didn't want to live the rest of your life with an abusive alcoholic and why would you!
He had whatever demons he had, but you didn't cause them and you absolutely had no control over them or him.
Anyway, it will hurt for a while no doubt, someone you cared about is gone, but in no way are you responsible. The best way to heal is to start focusing back on yourself and what you want. If there are things that you used to like to do that you have perhaps let go of, try revisiting them. Take good care of yourself, sleep, good food, walks. Binge watch something you have meant to watch. None of these things may feel particularly "happy making" right now, or even be particularly enjoyable, but they give your mind a break and help you to relax a bit and focus on something else.
Self care... that’s what helped for me to the break up. And then to eventually block....But the death.... I’m trying. I have to remember this. Thank you. For replying! don’t really many people that can understand this.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
I'm sorry for your loss. Even though the two of you weren't together any more, that doesn't mean the feelings go away.
The very day I decided to leave my husband, he told me he was terminally ill. I ended up never telling him. He died a few weeks later.
People think because you've ended a relationship, the two of you must not love one another any more. Not true. You can love someone a whole lot, and realize you ought not be together.
The very day I decided to leave my husband, he told me he was terminally ill. I ended up never telling him. He died a few weeks later.
People think because you've ended a relationship, the two of you must not love one another any more. Not true. You can love someone a whole lot, and realize you ought not be together.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,983
Hi J109, I am so glad you found us. It is very different dealing with an alcoholic than a non-alcoholic. Folks here understand this.
I'm so sorry that alcoholism killed your Ex. It is unfortunately the consequence of unchecked alcoholism. You absolutely did the correct thing. Sometimes letting go of the beloved Alcoholic is actually helpful for them but mostly we know it helps ourselves to not be taken down by the addiction. One life is saved from the disaster.
Sadly posters here report on the death of an alcoholic semi regularly. It is heart breaking for everyone.
This Christmas will, no doubt, be sad for you. I like to think that alcoholics suffer deeply and death is a release from the torture. Of course we don't know this.
I wish you healing and peace as you grieve this man and head into a new year.
I'm so sorry that alcoholism killed your Ex. It is unfortunately the consequence of unchecked alcoholism. You absolutely did the correct thing. Sometimes letting go of the beloved Alcoholic is actually helpful for them but mostly we know it helps ourselves to not be taken down by the addiction. One life is saved from the disaster.
Sadly posters here report on the death of an alcoholic semi regularly. It is heart breaking for everyone.
This Christmas will, no doubt, be sad for you. I like to think that alcoholics suffer deeply and death is a release from the torture. Of course we don't know this.
I wish you healing and peace as you grieve this man and head into a new year.
In search of myself
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Philadelphia FREEDOM
Posts: 149
My husband and I had been separated for 5.5 years when he was found dead. The first thing that sprang to mind when the police were knocking at my door on a Friday evening was, "What the heck have I done wrong?"
Believe me, I know how you feel. To this day, almost six years later, I still have moments when I feel tremendous sorrow over a life lost to addiction. Time has helped me heal. I spent time in Al-Anon and busying myself with work and friends. Sorry I don't have anything better to share. Each of us has our own timeline for grieving.
Believe me, I know how you feel. To this day, almost six years later, I still have moments when I feel tremendous sorrow over a life lost to addiction. Time has helped me heal. I spent time in Al-Anon and busying myself with work and friends. Sorry I don't have anything better to share. Each of us has our own timeline for grieving.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Hi J109, I am so glad you found us. It is very different dealing with an alcoholic than a non-alcoholic. Folks here understand this.
I'm so sorry that alcoholism killed your Ex. It is unfortunately the consequence of unchecked alcoholism. You absolutely did the correct thing. Sometimes letting go of the beloved Alcoholic is actually helpful for them but mostly we know it helps ourselves to not be taken down by the addiction. One life is saved from the disaster.
Sadly posters here report on the death of an alcoholic semi regularly. It is heart breaking for everyone.
This Christmas will, no doubt, be sad for you. I like to think that alcoholics suffer deeply and death is a release from the torture. Of course we don't know this.
I wish you healing and peace as you grieve this man and head into a new year.
I'm so sorry that alcoholism killed your Ex. It is unfortunately the consequence of unchecked alcoholism. You absolutely did the correct thing. Sometimes letting go of the beloved Alcoholic is actually helpful for them but mostly we know it helps ourselves to not be taken down by the addiction. One life is saved from the disaster.
Sadly posters here report on the death of an alcoholic semi regularly. It is heart breaking for everyone.
This Christmas will, no doubt, be sad for you. I like to think that alcoholics suffer deeply and death is a release from the torture. Of course we don't know this.
I wish you healing and peace as you grieve this man and head into a new year.
the crazy part is the alcohol makes them suffer... and then the entire family suffers more. It’s the saddest most frustrating poison.
I need the support, I’m in therapy because the day he drank I knew I was going to need it. But I don’t know if you have lived through you just don’t understand so these forums will probably help me.
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Posts: 40
Originally Posted by ErinGoBragh
My husband and I had been separated for 5.5 years when he was found dead. The first thing that sprang to mind when the police were knocking at my door on a Friday evening was, "What the heck have I done wrong?"
Believe me, I know how you feel. To this day, almost six years later, I still have moments when I feel tremendous sorrow over a life lost to addiction. Time has helped me heal. I spent time in Al-Anon and busying myself with work and friends. Sorry I don't have anything better to share. Each of us has our own timeline for grieving.
Believe me, I know how you feel. To this day, almost six years later, I still have moments when I feel tremendous sorrow over a life lost to addiction. Time has helped me heal. I spent time in Al-Anon and busying myself with work and friends. Sorry I don't have anything better to share. Each of us has our own timeline for grieving.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by velma929
I'm sorry for your loss. Even though the two of you weren't together any more, that doesn't mean the feelings go away.
The very day I decided to leave my husband, he told me he was terminally ill. I ended up never telling him. He died a few weeks later.
People think because you've ended a relationship, the two of you must not love one another any more. Not true. You can love someone a whole lot, and realize you ought not be together.
The very day I decided to leave my husband, he told me he was terminally ill. I ended up never telling him. He died a few weeks later.
People think because you've ended a relationship, the two of you must not love one another any more. Not true. You can love someone a whole lot, and realize you ought not be together.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 146
J109 - you are grieving a huge loss. The 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. People cycle in and out of these stages during the grieving process and it can take a long time. Please read about the grief process, talk about it and maybe journal your feelings. There really is no shortcut, but there is hope and support along the way. Holidays always bring out the deepest sadness. Keep praying, keep putting one foot in front of the other and do what needs to be done. Enjoy your children, friends and family. Eat well and get exercise and sleep to keep your body strong. You will get through this. May God bring you the comfort and peace you need.
P.S. The book of Psalms in the Bible offers great comfort.
P.S. The book of Psalms in the Bible offers great comfort.
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