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He Died after we separated

Old 12-25-2020, 07:39 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by BellaBlue View Post
J109 - you are grieving a huge loss. The 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. People cycle in and out of these stages during the grieving process and it can take a long time. Please read about the grief process, talk about it and maybe journal your feelings. There really is no shortcut, but there is hope and support along the way. Holidays always bring out the deepest sadness. Keep praying, keep putting one foot in front of the other and do what needs to be done. Enjoy your children, friends and family. Eat well and get exercise and sleep to keep your body strong. You will get through this. May God bring you the comfort and peace you need.

P.S. The book of Psalms in the Bible offers great comfort.

thank you. I am grieving itís really hard.
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Old 12-28-2020, 02:03 PM
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Iím stuck with I should have helped more
hind∑sight
noun: hindsight
  1. understanding of a situation or event only after it has happened or developed.
    "with hindsight, I should never have gone"
Hindsight can be our worst enemy in a situation like this. There is no way you could have known that he would die that night.
You only knew that with hindsight.
Guilt and regret are not the same.
Guilt is what you feel when you intentionally harm someone. You did not intentionally harm him so there is no guilt.
Regret is what you feel when you wish you would have done something differently. Only in hindsight can you make that wish. You didn't know he was going to die.
In this case, you might say. "I wish I could have helped him."
You did everything you could for 2 1/2 years. The truth is that recovery has to come from within the person who needs recovery. The work has to be done on their end. We can't do that for them. We don't have that kind of power. I can't grieve for you. You will have to do that alone with support. Addiction is the same. We can offer support, but they have to go through the process. They have to voluntarily get help. We can't force that.

I lost my husband to suicide 45 years ago. You are going to be okay.
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Old 12-28-2020, 05:18 PM
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Originally Posted by Morning Glory View Post
hind∑sight
noun: hindsight
  1. understanding of a situation or event only after it has happened or developed.
    "with hindsight, I should never have gone"
Hindsight can be our worst enemy in a situation like this. There is no way you could have known that he would die that night.
You only knew that with hindsight.
Guilt and regret are not the same.
Guilt is what you feel when you intentionally harm someone. You did not intentionally harm him so there is no guilt.
Regret is what you feel when you wish you would have done something differently. Only in hindsight can you make that wish. You didn't know he was going to die.
In this case, you might say. "I wish I could have helped him."
You did everything you could for 2 1/2 years. The truth is that recovery has to come from within the person who needs recovery. The work has to be done on their end. We can't do that for them. We don't have that kind of power. I can't grieve for you. You will have to do that alone with support. Addiction is the same. We can offer support, but they have to go through the process. They have to voluntarily get help. We can't force that.

I lost my husband to suicide 45 years ago. You are going to be okay.
thank you so much for sharing. Iím sorry for your loss too. it is a battle for sure. when I blocked I was terrified of this happening. it took everything in me to block I didnít want to. itís just been a reply of everything in my head in bed for two weeks.
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Old 12-29-2020, 08:11 PM
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Hey J, how are you doing?

I hope you got through another day the best you could. Each day brings you closer to healing even when it doesn't feel that way.

Big hug to you.

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Old 12-29-2020, 08:46 PM
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Thank you

Originally Posted by Bekindalways View Post
Hey J, how are you doing?

I hope you got through another day the best you could. Each day brings you closer to healing even when it doesn't feel that way.

Big hug to you.
yes day by day. I am learning is all I can do right now. I woke feeling better today and that lasted about an hour... stayed in bed. I keep reading the forums though and they are helping me

so thank you
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Old 12-29-2020, 09:24 PM
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Originally Posted by J109 View Post
yes day by day. I am learning is all I can do right now. I woke feeling better today and that lasted about an hour... stayed in bed. I keep reading the forums though and they are helping me

so thank you
That's good to hear. That's progress, even an hour. It just takes that time to get there, but you will. In the meantime I think it's great you are reading the forums, it does help I'm sure.

So much info right here in this forum, if you need a break and want some light relief, check out this thread: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post7560021 this is the 33rd thread of this ongoing thread and the posts are so cute/funny.

Another forum is Newcomers to Recovery, don't know if you have already visited there but you might find some threads interesting:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...mers-recovery/

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Old 12-29-2020, 09:43 PM
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Thank you I appreciate it. I need all the help because this is not easy. itís been three weeks and I havenít really left the bed except first week because I had to finish work. So in the holiday downtime Iím trying to go through everything. Itís something I wouldnít wish an anyone. It happened so fast. I read so many threads of people who want to leave and it was hard as hell. Mine and anyone else who love an alcoholic is fear of what will happen. the worse happened,

itís just heavy. they say the addicts suffer, now he / she isnít suffering and why yes that is true... the alcohol caused that suffering to completely change who drinks it.... but Iím sorry itís the people who love them who suffer the most.

Heís out of pain and now everyone else is hurting and will forever be changed.

It just sucks the soul out of them.
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Old 12-29-2020, 09:59 PM
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Originally Posted by J109 View Post
Thank you I appreciate it. I need all the help because this is not easy. itís been three weeks and I havenít really left the bed except first week because I had to finish work. So in the holiday downtime Iím trying to go through everything. Itís something I wouldnít wish an anyone. It happened so fast. I read so many threads of people who want to leave and it was hard as hell. Mine and anyone else who love an alcoholic is fear of what will happen. the worse happened,
Yes, the worst did happen, but I'm sure you have heard it said in those threads that there is no way to keep them "safe". Despite any effort, at the end of the day, they are grown men and women and they will do what they choose to do. We have to respect other people's choices.

One saying that I think is really profound is - You don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.


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Old 12-30-2020, 10:37 PM
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Originally Posted by J109 View Post
I need all the help because this is not easy..
Yep, circle those wagons the best you can. This is a time to hunker down and heal . . . . consider yourself in a kind of ICU for the emotionally injured.

Just keep at it J . . . . glad to see you posting.
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Old 12-30-2020, 10:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways View Post
Yep, circle those wagons the best you can. This is a time to hunker down and heal . . . . consider yourself in a kind of ICU for the emotionally injured.

Just keep at it J . . . . glad to see you posting.
thanks. Yeah this site has helped more than anything else actually. Been just reading through the stories. Day by day. Itís a battle. This is why I left but and I miss him... but the day he drank he was never the same in those 2 months.

I actually got out of bed today and worked that helped quiet the mind and my god the fog I have been in.

I wish I could have done more but I literally did. This site is helping me realize again I canít control that.

Itís definitely something unless you have been through you have no clue, it (alcohol controls everything and takes no prisoners)
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Old 12-31-2020, 11:56 AM
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I'm glad you got out of bed yesterday. You can get in to kind of rut. Forcing yourself to do other things does help clear that fog and gives you a little peace of mind, which is helpful when you are sad. It helps to take a break from your thoughts when you can.

Yes, there is no more you could have done. I'm sure you had conversations about rehab and getting help, or even AA. People who don't want to quit are not interested in these things.

You might find these articles interesting to get a more in depth look at what addiction is:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Are you actually back working now or still have some time off?
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Old 12-31-2020, 12:50 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
I'm glad you got out of bed yesterday. You can get in to kind of rut. Forcing yourself to do other things does help clear that fog and gives you a little peace of mind, which is helpful when you are sad. It helps to take a break from your thoughts when you can.

Yes, there is no more you could have done. I'm sure you had conversations about rehab and getting help, or even AA. People who don't want to quit are not interested in these things.

You might find these articles interesting to get a more in depth look at what addiction is:


Are you actually back working now or still have some time off?
I am working but very slow. I got him into rehab the first time, therapy after.... this time I got into outpatient. I said online therapy, online psychology...... nothing.

Insurance didnít cover for detox and I would have paid... he kept saying no. I never wanted to be away from him. but I couldnít be around his anger when he drank.

I will miss him forever and will forever have a hole in my stomach. I canít see myself dating after this.




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Old 12-31-2020, 01:37 PM
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It sounds like you could have subjected yourself to more of his abuse . . . . or not . . . . but he was going to do what alcoholics do.

Originally Posted by J109 View Post
I will miss him forever and will forever have a hole in my stomach. I canít see myself dating after this.
You may well miss him for ever. It has been over 30 years since I left my qualifier and I still think of him and miss him; however time has made changes in me that I could never have imagined. I've learned so much about who I am and life. I've quit drinking myself.

There was a book about grieving called How to Survive the Loss of a Love. I have probably read it 20 times; it is short and can be read in an hour or less. It doesn't really analyze grief. The book more sits down next to you and cries with you. I have never found anything better.

I hope you are getting through one more day the absolute best you can . . . . your best may just be staying in bed and managing not to wet it . . . (-; . . . . some times are like that.
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Old 12-31-2020, 06:15 PM
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[QUOTE=Bekindalways;7566739]It sounds like you could have subjected yourself to more of his abuse . . . . or not . . . . but he was going to do what alcoholics do.

I know. Thatís what I keep telling myself every time I start crying or think about it. Iíve been trying to follow up with.. but if stayed... I donít wish that life on anyone.

You may well miss him for ever. It has been over 30 years since I left my qualifier and I still think of him and miss him; however time has made changes in me that I could never have imagined. I've learned so much about who I am and life. I've quit drinking myself.

There was a book about grieving called How to Survive the Loss of a Love. I have probably read it 20 times; it is short and can be read in an hour or less. It doesn't really analyze grief. The book more sits down next to you and cries with you. I have never found anything better.

I hope you are getting through one more day the absolute best you can . . . . your best may just be staying in bed and managing not to wet it . . . (-; . . . . some times are like that.[/I know. Thatís what I keep telling myself every time I start crying or think about it. Iíve been trying to follow up with.. but if stayed... I donít wish that life on anyone.

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Old 01-01-2021, 03:39 PM
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I was thinking of you J as I hope this New Year portends more change and healing for you than many others . . . although perhaps you feel more like a phoenix who has been changed by fire into embers and ash than someone turning over a new leaf.

Keep plodding through the grief; it tends to be quite the slog.
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Old 01-02-2021, 02:18 PM
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Originally Posted by J109 View Post
I know. Thatís what I keep telling myself every time I start crying or think about it. Iíve been trying to follow up with.. but if stayed... I donít wish that life on anyone.
And that really will help you along, although I'm sure it doesn't seem like it right now. As you go along you will feel stronger and more like "yourself" - but again, I'm sure the path looks bleak right now.

It will take time so all you can do is get through it the very best you can, and you are, so do give yourself credit for that.

Are you able to get out of the house at all for a walk, or do you live in a cold place like I do that makes it pretty much impossible without snow shoes or a dog sled?? If you can, even if it's just a stroll to the corner and back, it really helps to calm and clear your head a bit, or so I found. I used to think well what will a small walk do? But every time I came back from a walk I felt clearer and better.

I don't listen to music or anything when I walk, I just let my mind think about what it wants, sometimes it's helpful I think to just let the mind wander where it may.

Mindless games online help too. Just know I'm not suggesting that any of these things will miraculously make everything better, just that recovering from something like this does take time so these things can give you a little break for a few minutes at least.


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Old 01-02-2021, 07:32 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
And that really will help you along, although I'm sure it doesn't seem like it right now. As you go along you will feel stronger and more like "yourself" - but again, I'm sure the path looks bleak right now.

It will take time so all you can do is get through it the very best you can, and you are, so do give yourself credit for that.

Are you able to get out of the house at all for a walk, or do you live in a cold place like I do that makes it pretty much impossible without snow shoes or a dog sled?? If you can, even if it's just a stroll to the corner and back, it really helps to calm and clear your head a bit, or so I found. I used to think well what will a small walk do? But every time I came back from a walk I felt clearer and better.

I don't listen to music or anything when I walk, I just let my mind think about what it wants, sometimes it's helpful I think to just let the mind wander where it may.

Mindless games online help too. Just know I'm not suggesting that any of these things will miraculously make everything better, just that recovering from something like this does take time so these things can give you a little break for a few minutes at least.
oh yeah I put solitaire on my phone to just try to break from it. we just moved Into our home because it was settled in the woods but by the ocean with our own water area. I canít get myself to go there yet. I am actually looking to move as fast as possible. This has been a crazy 2.5 years of my life and I have no idea where Iím going but day by day I have no choice but to figure it out.

I fell so hard for him and we were inseparable. We loved each other on a way I will never feel again. so itís so hard to understand and accept that his relapse brought us here today, and I know I did the right thing. my mind just replays itself. So yeah mindless games and I try to read and I cry. I canít change one thing all I can do is unfortunately is time... Heal the best I can whatever that is.
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