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Was I too harsh in chucking him out?

Old 12-21-2020, 11:32 AM
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SMB
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Was I too harsh in chucking him out?

My boyfriend and I have been together for 20months. He was sort of unemployed when we met and he didnt drink that much. He moved in with me eventually. As a result of not being able to find a job he gets depressed and turns to alcohol. He tends to binge drink , doesnt drink every single day , sometimes goes for a few days without a drink. Can sometimes drink 750ml of whisky or brandy in under 12 hrs. Once he starts drinking he cannot stop. I on the other hand do not drink much alcohol and detest a man being drunk around me. If hes drunk I tend to flip which then ends in him verbally and emotionally abusing me. He has never become violent. He drinks on the sly and hides the empty bottles from me. When I give him fuel money he buys booze.The only time we argue is when he has had too much to drink. He has said before that he will get help but never has. Other than that he is an extremely loving person and often cooks dinner for me. I actually saw a future with him. Last week he came home drunk and i flipped . I told him the we needed to separate for a while and he needs to get help and sort his life out. He said he was going to stay with a friend and I even gave him money. I subsequently found out he lied about where he was going. Now I dont trust him. He is pleading to come back and says he loves me and says he can go for counselling while we are together. I said that he needs to do this before we get back together and needs to find a job and sort his life out. Now he tells me that I chucked him on the street and treated him bad. I have done and given him so much and I still love him very much and want to make things work.The fact that he doesnt work is also starting to get to me. I feel hes not doing enough to look for a job
Please help!
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Old 12-21-2020, 11:43 AM
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Friend, you two have very different ideas about how you want to live your life. It's not harsh or wrong, it just is what it is.

I am curious what kind of a future you envision with him? Right now you say he is loving and cooks dinner for you, but he also binge drinks, cannot stop once he starts, hides alcohol, verbally and emotionally abuses you when drinking, says he will get help but doesn't, and lies about what he's doing. He has a LOT more and bigger issues to get through than just finding a job before he can even think about being suitable relationship material. Cooking you dinner is nice, I guess? But verbally and emotionally abusing you is simply unacceptable. That is not "loving", by any definition.

I don't think asking him to leave was harsh, no. I think you are allowing him the dignity of the opportunity to get his **** together like any other adult is expected to do.
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Old 12-21-2020, 01:42 PM
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Hello SMB
No, I don't believe you were harsh at all. From what you have shared, your boyfriend hasn't done 1 thing towards "sorting himself out". Cooking you dinner, is the least he can do, since he is not working.
He doesn't appear to be in a rush to find work, and I'm ssuming it's your money that pays for the alcohol. Why should you work to pay for his booze?
If this is 20 months down the line, can you imagine 20 years of it!
Look after you, and put him on the back foot.
Much Love
Bute x
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Old 12-21-2020, 03:46 PM
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SMB........No, I do not think it was too harsh to ask him to leave....in face, it sounds. to me. like you have been willing to just accept bad behavior.

I highly recommend that you read the book "Co-dependent No More".....it is the most frequently recommended book on this forum. I think you will find that a lot of it resonates with you.
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Old 12-21-2020, 05:25 PM
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He's lying, using you for money and drinks to excess. He's using you. And 'sort of' unemployed-he hasn't gotten unemployment or stimulus money from the government? I've seen that first hand 'sort of unemployed' where they're working under the table for cash but those jobs are not the best resume fillers if he's looking for a career type job.

Hate to say it I think he's using you period. And you were not too harsh to evict him especially if he is not contributing-did he even clean, mob, run a vacuum, do laundry etc. One last thing there's a chance he this was already part of his life. 'Partly unemployed' gave him an excuse to live that life full time.

Good Luck. Stay Safe!
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Old 12-21-2020, 06:19 PM
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When I was young, before I went to school, my mother was a SAHM and didn't work. She *had* worked though, but my Dad made enough that she didn't *have* to. Oh, and she had put herself through college, she was a teacher. So, while she wasn't working, she cleaned the house, did laundry, made three meals a day for everyone including packing a lunch for my Dad and older brother. She made a lot of my sister's and my clothes, and kept Dad's and brother's in good repair. She handled the checkbook and made sure the bills were paid. I had surgery as a four-year-old, so in addition to those things, for about six months she spent a huge part of the day swapping out activities for me (so, cleaning up play-doh and my fave, glitter paints)

Sometimes you boyfriend makes dinner? Doesn't seem like much of a contribution. He can't stop drinking when he starts, hasn't held a job in the time you've known him, hides his drinking, lies about where he is, uses fuel money to buy booze.

Exactly *what kind* of future did you see?

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Old 12-21-2020, 08:39 PM
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Hi SMB, no you weren't harsh, you deserve more, much more.
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Old 12-21-2020, 09:25 PM
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I could not drop my drug addict GF .
She would bug me and even call the cops to check on me .
I moved , changed phone number , nothing worked .
I took care of her for years .
She is underground now .
I understand what you are going through .
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Old 12-21-2020, 09:59 PM
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Thanks so much all for responding to my post and helping me to see more clearly. Amazing how he is still now trying to make me look like the bad person. He makes it out like I threw him on out on the street and how could I do that. He messages me every day now confessing his great love for me and that he will stop drinking. Wants to come back, But I am not going to budge!
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Old 12-21-2020, 10:48 PM
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SMB,

You have taken the appropriate stance. You have done the hard part, stick with it....he sounds very much an addict. Expect manipulation, tears, anger, LOVE, all to get you to let your guard down and let him back in. Maybe, now, he will get his act together, or maybe he will keep on keeping on? All you can do is remove yourself from that situation. Hate to say this, but we have to be able to carry our own weight in this world and your BF can't even do that because he is too busy finding ways to drink. From my observation, it takes a pretty significant shift for people to get into recovery from addiction...he sounds a long way from that. Keep coming here and read within the forum. There is a depth to this disease that is not obvious and it akin to the image of the tip of the iceberg.
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Old 12-22-2020, 12:26 AM
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Originally Posted by SMB View Post
Thanks so much all for responding to my post and helping me to see more clearly. Amazing how he is still now trying to make me look like the bad person. He makes it out like I threw him on out on the street and how could I do that. He messages me every day now confessing his great love for me and that he will stop drinking. Wants to come back, But I am not going to budge!
I'm glad you are not going to budge. This situation could go on like it is for years and years (you are almost at two years of it already!).

He may have another condition, depression, anxiety or who knows and there is nothing wrong with that but he still has to find his way and there is help available for him, but he doesn't want it apparently.

It will hurt for a while, I'm sure you are feeling bad, however, the longer you stay away from him the stronger you will feel as the FOG starts to lift (fear, obligation, guilt). You know that you didn't "throw him out in to the street" and that's all that matters, you know the truth and you did the right thing for yourself.

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