Angelicinquest

I would love to go those meetings but can't anymore as they are all on late in my area and I'm a single parent. Ty for the book recommendation, do you know the title so I can order it? I'm currently reading Co dependency for dummies and feel the fear and do it anyway..... After a couple of chapters I can already tell you that books help 😅

trailmix

Actually, it doesn't sound hideous at all. That's kind of telling isn't it? Keep reminding yourself that you haven't done anything wrong. Also, we are not here to judge you, we understand.

I also had an alcoholic parent. Really glad you are taking dandylion's suggestion and looking up some information on Adult Children of Alcoholics, you will probably find it quite interesting.

Angelicinquest

I already have read about ACOA, that's why I'm desperately trying to protect my son from it all. Groups would be amazing, all I have is Google searches but a book would help more so.
I'm very aware.. One of my strengths, and weaknesses.

Angelicinquest

Its not just my mum, my ex is alcoholic too.. But that's a thread for a different day 😟

Angelicinquest

❤️ I have never put myself first

SmallButMighty

Unfortunately, many of us here have many alcoholics in our families and lives. I understand how frustrating and confusing it can be. I tried so hard to make sure I didn't marry a man like my dad.... but I still did. I married a nonviolent man who provided well for his family...but drank way too much and made bad choices that affected everyone else around him. We tend to repeat the patterns that we are raised with. It's hard to break that pattern, it's what we know, even when we know it's wrong, because it is what we know, we retreat into the "known". It's up to us to break those patterns so the next generation doesn't have to live with that same fear and confusion. I got a late start on that, my kids were grown (16 and 20) before I started talking to them about the dysfunctions in mine, and their father's families, and what we could do to change the trajectory going forward.

To answer your initial question:

My alcoholic ex husband, absolutely knows he is an alcoholic. He hates it, but he has chosen to live with it rather than try and defeat it. He thinks the only person he hurts is himself, despite how much it has cost him. He is not willing to admit the losses are his doing.. friends, family, jobs, respect, money you name it... in his mind it's all someone else's fault- the bad things happened.. nothing to do with his drunk behavior. "Stupid" cops fault he got those DUIs right? He knows he will die from his choices but still chooses to drink. He once told me he doesn't expect to see 60, I believe him. My daughter has already expressed to me how she doesn't want to lose her dad to this disease but knows she will. It's brutal.

My alcoholic father never considered himself an alcoholic... because he always provided for his family and never beat on us..nor did he drink from a brown paper bag down on skid row...so ""obviously he was not an alcoholic!!!!"" ....and anyone that said anything to him about drinking got treated with scorn like they were some kind of an idiot. He eventually developed "wet brain" and died far sooner than he should have due to his alcohol related illnesses... denying the whole time he was an alcoholic...It was painful to watch the demise of a man who at one time was so highly intelligent.

I know this is really hard stuff to deal with. My suggestion would be to focus on your son. Give him the most healthy childhood that you can. Being subjected to alcoholics is not healthy. You know what it has done to you.. growing up and marrying into the chaos has probably brought you to your knees, it did me... it doesn't have to be that way for the next generation. We can forge a new path, we don't have to keep repeating the cycle. It's OK to put your child first and let the other adults in his life self destruct if that's what they want to do, he doesn't have to watch the way we did. I wish I had acted sooner so my kids would not have witnessed as much crazy as they did.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this Angelicinquest, I've been you, I know how much it hurts. You have my empathy. *hugs*

velma929

I'd wager a six-year-old's perception of death isn't an adult's. While it is a loss, a grandparent or uncle isn't like losing your own sibling or parent. You're assuming these losses are the same for him as they are for you. Unless they were people your child had contact with every day, don't assume that.

I have no idea how much contact your son has had but I have to tell you: My parents, owing to job opportunities, moved away from their respective parents and families. I loved my grandparents - as much as I knew them, but really, I didn't know them well. I was sad when they passed, but at 13 (When dad's dad died) and 30-something (when Mom's mother passed) it was more being sad for my parents.

SparkleKitty

If you really want to help prevent your son from dealing with the same issues you did, growing up, be the role model you wish you had. Show him what a healthy adult with boundaries looks like. Show him someone who does not set themselves on fire to keep others warm.

turniptheheat

Many will admit to being a problem drinker, but admitting to being an alcoholic can be extremely hard. No one wants to be an alcoholic nor does anyone that is an alcoholic want the way they deal with life taken away. Being an alcoholic wasn't exactly on my bucket list. I had many negative connotations associated with alcoholism and the prognosis of an alcoholic isn't exactly great. No one likes looking in the mirror thinking that is what they are. You might as well be plastering a big L across my forehead.

I still remember struggling in meetings saying that I was an alcoholic since those words were really powerful in my mind. However, with repetition, the power in those words lessened. I am now okay with being an alcoholic and know that I can do something about it and work my program.

From my experience in meetings, the amount of pain varies until people are willing to do something about their alcoholism. Even then, many of them go back out since it's not something they want to continue to work on. The only person that can label an alcoholic an alcoholic, is the alcoholic themselves. You can tell someone that they have alcoholism, but it generally does not go well and results in an opposite effect. Many of us will compare ourselves to others to keep the drinking going. But if you look at xxx....I'm not THAT bad.
Thought this might give you some insight into the mind of an alcoholic.

dandylion

Angel----in regard to your question about the book for Adult Children of Alcoholic.

This is the way to find the book that you want to order---or get through your library.
First.....go to the website for amazon.com. Then...go to the Book section of amazon.
Then, type in the following------"Adult Children: Alcoholic/Dysfunctional Families". . That is the title of the main text for ACOA. It is red on the cover---and, is often called "The big, red book"
Or, simply caled "The Big book".
In addition---you will see many other books dedicated to adult children of alcoholics. You will be able to read the reviews of each one---to determine which ones you may want to get. also.
There are quite a few of them.
These books are also for dysfunction families, as well as alcoholic families.

Good luck----let me know if you find what you are looking for, or not.

Angelicinquest

Thank you all for your replies, I just feel like I never tried to 'detach with love' as they say.. I realised the situation I was in, panicked and cut everyone off. And now they are dying and its horrendous. Does anyone else feel TOO strong? I think one day it's going to all come out.

Angelicinquest

Thank you, I found the book 😊 it's expensive so I'll buy it another time 😂

silentrun

When I hear that I think about how it was never OK for me to ask for help. I was always the helper and never the helpee. If I failed the universe would implode upon itself. That may be part of the reason I developed an addiction. Is that what you mean?

thequest

Many are in denial. Some just can't handle the fact they are indeed an alcoholic. Others are in denial because they haven't suffered enough. And others just don't want to deal with the consequences. The alkie here has avoided increased insurance rates from their last dui by having a parent get a car and insurance for them/in their name so they didn't have to face the responsibility of paying a consequence like high insurance. When the parent passed they went ballastic when the policy was updated to reflect that. They are currently looking for someone to let them use their address for lower insurance compared to where they live(fraud).

Do not enable and let them suffer some of the consequences of alcoholism. They must be allowed to hit a bottom what ever that is for them.

steffi123

Alcoholics "explain" themselves why they aren't alcoholics. That's part of the denial. Like, drinking only in the evening, only wine, not having a DUI, not drinking more than others, all of that are reasons why an alcoholic isn't an alcoholic. And since they are sure they aren't alcoholics because they decide they can't be alcoholics there is nothing to be aware of.

velma929

I remember when I was a kid, talking to another child at a campground. We stopped by her trailer for something or other, and her parents were arguing. She brushed it off - her mother thought her father drank too much, and her father had explained to her that anyone who only drank beer *could not be an alcoholic.*

Fast forward 40 years or so, and one of the neighbor's colleagues ended up in the hospital with an ulcer. As his coworkers discussed his situation, they were all astounded that the hospital had moved him to a detox wing because, "He only drank beer."