Almost 2 years later
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Join Date: Feb 2019
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Almost 2 years later
Hi Everyone.
It’s almost 2 years since I first posted, and what a crazy time it’s been.
Wife has been sober almost 8 months after relapsing at 9 months in April. Since that last relapse she’s changed considerably due to diligently working her program, but I worry about such a drastic change in personality. She is nothing like the person I married, which is confusing at times because there is this air of “enlightenment” that comes across as cold. It’s weird and hard to explain. I’m also now being partially blamed for her alcoholism and her relapse.
On top of the personality change she obtained a medical marijuana card with the help of her therapist and now smokes pot from sun up to sun down.
None of the many friends she’s made in AA, nor her sponsor have any idea. She’s said it wouldn’t go over well. (No kidding!) Their shiny ball bearing isn’t dealing with life on life’s terms as they are being led to believe, nope..she’s high all the time, even in meetings, which I find shocking. She waxes philosophically as if she has this newly acquired insight but it’s the ramblings of a pothead
She’s incredibly high functioning, similar to how she was with booze before it got out of control. MJ is not alcohol but still. I was advised to stay out of it and that it’s her recovery not mine, but being around someone high all the time, even legally, sucks.
Our marriage is detached. The love is gone, at least the expression of it. I’m still working on forgiveness due to the overwhelming damage caused to our life, finances, business, and the cheating in rehab which still pisses me off and I’ve made that known on many occasions.
I don’t even know what I want any more. I just know I don’t want this to be my life.
It’s almost 2 years since I first posted, and what a crazy time it’s been.
Wife has been sober almost 8 months after relapsing at 9 months in April. Since that last relapse she’s changed considerably due to diligently working her program, but I worry about such a drastic change in personality. She is nothing like the person I married, which is confusing at times because there is this air of “enlightenment” that comes across as cold. It’s weird and hard to explain. I’m also now being partially blamed for her alcoholism and her relapse.
On top of the personality change she obtained a medical marijuana card with the help of her therapist and now smokes pot from sun up to sun down.
None of the many friends she’s made in AA, nor her sponsor have any idea. She’s said it wouldn’t go over well. (No kidding!) Their shiny ball bearing isn’t dealing with life on life’s terms as they are being led to believe, nope..she’s high all the time, even in meetings, which I find shocking. She waxes philosophically as if she has this newly acquired insight but it’s the ramblings of a pothead
She’s incredibly high functioning, similar to how she was with booze before it got out of control. MJ is not alcohol but still. I was advised to stay out of it and that it’s her recovery not mine, but being around someone high all the time, even legally, sucks.
Our marriage is detached. The love is gone, at least the expression of it. I’m still working on forgiveness due to the overwhelming damage caused to our life, finances, business, and the cheating in rehab which still pisses me off and I’ve made that known on many occasions.
I don’t even know what I want any more. I just know I don’t want this to be my life.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Beach...
That sucks...sorry to hear this. IDK, I seem to remember from a video called pleasure unwoven, and that pot has a similar effect on the brain in terms of its activation of pleasure centres (I think I recall that)...how can one be recovered if they are still using? I heard my own EX say that a friend in AA was smokig weed all the time and her remark was, well it's the leser of two evils?
I am sorry to hear that the relationship has changed for you...man, this is complicated stuff. Hang in there.
That sucks...sorry to hear this. IDK, I seem to remember from a video called pleasure unwoven, and that pot has a similar effect on the brain in terms of its activation of pleasure centres (I think I recall that)...how can one be recovered if they are still using? I heard my own EX say that a friend in AA was smokig weed all the time and her remark was, well it's the leser of two evils?
I am sorry to hear that the relationship has changed for you...man, this is complicated stuff. Hang in there.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Hey Beachn, good to see you sorry about the circumstances though.
Just out of curiosity, when her personality changed, after the relapse, how long was she working on recovery that second time before taking up mj?
I'm just wondering how it all came together.
Smoking weed is the opposite of being in recovery, a drug is a drug is a drug.
You sound very unhappy. Have you considered just leaving? I can't remember if you still have kids at home.
Just out of curiosity, when her personality changed, after the relapse, how long was she working on recovery that second time before taking up mj?
I'm just wondering how it all came together.
Smoking weed is the opposite of being in recovery, a drug is a drug is a drug.
and the cheating in rehab which still pisses me off and I’ve made that known on many occasions
I just know I don’t want this to be my life.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
And...getting over infidelity is brutally hard. I am 2 years out and it still stings. Betrayl is so hard to overcome. I read the book, living and loving after betrayl. I highly recommend it. Lots of good concepts and strategies if interested.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
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Thanks for the replies woodland and trailmix, hope you’re both doing well.
The change started before her last relapse, she started becoming the embodiment of her sponsor, which was creepy. 2 months after her April relapse is when she started smoking pot again, and she about faced into a new persona..again. It appears she morphs into whomever she’s around. It’s weird.
I still have 2 young children at home and financially I’ve been struggling to get my business back on track. These last 2 years are the worst on record for me.
I am unhappy, between being in lockdown like everyone else and trying to work my own recovery while being patient..I’m fed up.
The change started before her last relapse, she started becoming the embodiment of her sponsor, which was creepy. 2 months after her April relapse is when she started smoking pot again, and she about faced into a new persona..again. It appears she morphs into whomever she’s around. It’s weird.
I still have 2 young children at home and financially I’ve been struggling to get my business back on track. These last 2 years are the worst on record for me.
I am unhappy, between being in lockdown like everyone else and trying to work my own recovery while being patient..I’m fed up.
In search of myself
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Philadelphia FREEDOM
Posts: 149
It sounds like she simply traded one addiction for another. Rather than being drunk all the time, she's now stoned/high. I don't think it is incumbent on you to "get over" her cheating. I don't know your back story, but has she shown genuine remorse and/or regret for cheating? Adultery would be a deal-breaker for me. JMO.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
That is tough for sure.
I've read this before a few times, where the sponsee will attach to their sponsor or their group mates, I've heard the same thing from the sponsor's point of view as well, reading Newcomers to Recovery.
It seems to me that this may happen not infrequently, especially if a person has a sponsor that welcomes that kind of reliance, not saying it's their fault, their intentions may be great, but someone who may be floundering and is looking for stability/direction and also looking for identity, might find it there (or by entering a relationship in rehab). She can't find what she wants or needs in any of those places, so she gets high to escape.
I personally don't have anything against weed, I understand why people use it recreationally, just like alcohol, or in some cases medicinally, but that doesn't sound like what's happening here. She's high all the time, that's not life on life's terms, that's life high (as I know you know).
Since you are kind of "stuck" at the moment, perhaps distancing is your best option? Room-mates rather than trying to have any kind of relationship, for the time being, while you decide what you want to do and hopefully things will look up financially soon.
As for forgiveness, well if you don't feel it you don't. Some things are not forgivable to everyone. That said I think a healthy thing is to try to accept it. It happened. You cannot change it. Accept it and move forward. Being angry only hurts you (and her too of course when you lash out with that).
I've read this before a few times, where the sponsee will attach to their sponsor or their group mates, I've heard the same thing from the sponsor's point of view as well, reading Newcomers to Recovery.
It seems to me that this may happen not infrequently, especially if a person has a sponsor that welcomes that kind of reliance, not saying it's their fault, their intentions may be great, but someone who may be floundering and is looking for stability/direction and also looking for identity, might find it there (or by entering a relationship in rehab). She can't find what she wants or needs in any of those places, so she gets high to escape.
I personally don't have anything against weed, I understand why people use it recreationally, just like alcohol, or in some cases medicinally, but that doesn't sound like what's happening here. She's high all the time, that's not life on life's terms, that's life high (as I know you know).
Since you are kind of "stuck" at the moment, perhaps distancing is your best option? Room-mates rather than trying to have any kind of relationship, for the time being, while you decide what you want to do and hopefully things will look up financially soon.
As for forgiveness, well if you don't feel it you don't. Some things are not forgivable to everyone. That said I think a healthy thing is to try to accept it. It happened. You cannot change it. Accept it and move forward. Being angry only hurts you (and her too of course when you lash out with that).
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Join Date: Feb 2019
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The lack of identity rings true. As I reflect on this I realize it’s not new behavior, it’s been an ongoing thing. She desperately wants to fit in and be liked and in doing so takes on the habits and traits of those she wants to accept her.
Right now she’s part of a large women’s A.A. group comprised primarily of older women and she’s their shining example of working the program. She is very involved. Ha
Which is why the lack of integrity she is demonstrating by attending and sharing at meetings high as a kite without anyone knowing irritates me. It may not be my problem but I get to witness it. It’s destroying whatever trust was regained. She apparently has no problem lying.
Lying by omission and sneaky behavior (visine to hide the red eyes) is not recovery. Not even close. How is this different than sneaking booze at 7AM and hiding it?
I’ve accepted the infidelity for what it is. It was always a deal breaker, yet here I am moving the goal posts because of circumstances. Now whose integrity is in question? Damn.
Right now she’s part of a large women’s A.A. group comprised primarily of older women and she’s their shining example of working the program. She is very involved. Ha
Which is why the lack of integrity she is demonstrating by attending and sharing at meetings high as a kite without anyone knowing irritates me. It may not be my problem but I get to witness it. It’s destroying whatever trust was regained. She apparently has no problem lying.
Lying by omission and sneaky behavior (visine to hide the red eyes) is not recovery. Not even close. How is this different than sneaking booze at 7AM and hiding it?
I’ve accepted the infidelity for what it is. It was always a deal breaker, yet here I am moving the goal posts because of circumstances. Now whose integrity is in question? Damn.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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The alcohol, now the weed, It's really not different, you're right.
Integrity, well, you know where you are and you know where you stand on it, you might feel better if you stood behind that too, that's why I mentioned the roommate idea.
As you mentioned, the infidelity is a deal breaker, if that is your boundary it just is, you don't need to move any goal posts, some things are not meant to be overlooked or are impossible for us to overlook.
Your living situation is just how it is and short of moving mountains probably won't change in the near future, so all you can do is the next right thing for your kiddies and yourself with fairness for all. At the very least it might just give you a place to live where you are all much more comfortable with clear boundaries.
It reminds me of that saying about - if you are digging a hole, stop.
Integrity, well, you know where you are and you know where you stand on it, you might feel better if you stood behind that too, that's why I mentioned the roommate idea.
As you mentioned, the infidelity is a deal breaker, if that is your boundary it just is, you don't need to move any goal posts, some things are not meant to be overlooked or are impossible for us to overlook.
Your living situation is just how it is and short of moving mountains probably won't change in the near future, so all you can do is the next right thing for your kiddies and yourself with fairness for all. At the very least it might just give you a place to live where you are all much more comfortable with clear boundaries.
It reminds me of that saying about - if you are digging a hole, stop.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Originally Posted by Beachn 
Lying by omission and sneaky behavior (visine to hide the red eyes) is not recovery. Not even close. How is this different than sneaking booze at 7AM and hiding it?
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I second everyone else on agreeing that smoking pot Or eating edibles is NOT any better than drinking. Might be even worse because of the ridiculously “intelligent” ideas the stoned person has. It was perhaps funny when we were in college, but I just shut down when Spouse starts spewing grandiose plans now.
The edibles and smokeable strains out there are SO MUCH STRONGER than pot was in the ‘80’s and ‘90’s.
I cannot understand how it could possibly help with anxiety......I tried a TINY piece 7 years ago and thought I was going to die.
The edibles and smokeable strains out there are SO MUCH STRONGER than pot was in the ‘80’s and ‘90’s.
I cannot understand how it could possibly help with anxiety......I tried a TINY piece 7 years ago and thought I was going to die.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
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Originally Posted by Zevin
I second everyone else on agreeing that smoking pot Or eating edibles is NOT any better than drinking. Might be even worse because of the ridiculously “intelligent” ideas the stoned person has. It was perhaps funny when we were in college, but I just shut down when Spouse starts spewing grandiose plans now.
The edibles and smokeable strains out there are SO MUCH STRONGER than pot was in the ‘80’s and ‘90’s.
I cannot understand how it could possibly help with anxiety......I tried a TINY piece 7 years ago and thought I was going to die.
The edibles and smokeable strains out there are SO MUCH STRONGER than pot was in the ‘80’s and ‘90’s.
I cannot understand how it could possibly help with anxiety......I tried a TINY piece 7 years ago and thought I was going to die.
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Originally Posted by pizza67
this gives me borderline vibes
People who think codependently are masters at fitting in and shrinking themselves to whatever the situation requires. Some masters of this turn to drink, some do not. Anyone who has ever lost herself, isn't herself, wonders where she went, lives totally for others, says that others are her world - anyone who thinks this way is on the path. Some drink to manage the pain of it. Some do not and instead try to control others in order to manage the pain of it.
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
It's also a characteristic of good old fashioned codependence.
People who think codependently are masters at fitting in and shrinking themselves to whatever the situation requires. Some masters of this turn to drink, some do not. Anyone who has ever lost herself, isn't herself, wonders where she went, lives totally for others, says that others are her world - anyone who thinks this way is on the path. Some drink to manage the pain of it. Some do not and instead try to control others in order to manage the pain of it.
People who think codependently are masters at fitting in and shrinking themselves to whatever the situation requires. Some masters of this turn to drink, some do not. Anyone who has ever lost herself, isn't herself, wonders where she went, lives totally for others, says that others are her world - anyone who thinks this way is on the path. Some drink to manage the pain of it. Some do not and instead try to control others in order to manage the pain of it.
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
It's also a characteristic of good old fashioned codependence.
People who think codependently are masters at fitting in and shrinking themselves to whatever the situation requires. Some masters of this turn to drink, some do not. Anyone who has ever lost herself, isn't herself, wonders where she went, lives totally for others, says that others are her world - anyone who thinks this way is on the path. Some drink to manage the pain of it. Some do not and instead try to control others in order to manage the pain of it.
People who think codependently are masters at fitting in and shrinking themselves to whatever the situation requires. Some masters of this turn to drink, some do not. Anyone who has ever lost herself, isn't herself, wonders where she went, lives totally for others, says that others are her world - anyone who thinks this way is on the path. Some drink to manage the pain of it. Some do not and instead try to control others in order to manage the pain of it.
This sounds about right and it makes me sad to think she’s in so much pain. She lost herself and I miss her.
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Hey everyone,
Well I contacted her therapist, the one that supposedly knows about her marijuana use and helped her get the card, and what a shock.
She had no idea my wife has a pot card, let alone was getting high every day for the last 7 months. She even gets high before her therapy sessions and AA meetings. She is high every waking moment.
She lies to everyone and has them completely fooled. I’m tempted to let her sponsor know and maybe do an intervention. Hell I don’t know. I’m sick of it.
Does anyone have any experience with trading one addiction with another?
Well I contacted her therapist, the one that supposedly knows about her marijuana use and helped her get the card, and what a shock.
She had no idea my wife has a pot card, let alone was getting high every day for the last 7 months. She even gets high before her therapy sessions and AA meetings. She is high every waking moment.
She lies to everyone and has them completely fooled. I’m tempted to let her sponsor know and maybe do an intervention. Hell I don’t know. I’m sick of it.
Does anyone have any experience with trading one addiction with another?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Trading one addiction for another is very common. How about putting down one addiction but keeping another? Also common. Might drink and smoke weed, but everyone says you must quit drinking! So they do but continue to smoke weed.
The high from weed, in general, is different than the effect of alcohol, of course, but you are still high/intoxicated/impaired.
So bottom line, there is no difference, she just changed her drug of choice.
Nothing has really changed there.
The high from weed, in general, is different than the effect of alcohol, of course, but you are still high/intoxicated/impaired.
So bottom line, there is no difference, she just changed her drug of choice.
Nothing has really changed there.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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So what happens to improve your situation if you “out” her? Do you think she will embrace genuine recovery, or will this just be an excuse for her to start drinking again?
This doesn’t seem like a tenable situation either way. Maybe the roommate idea will clear some of the stress for you, but ultimately, it sounds like you maybe want to move on without her.
What might that scenario look like if that is so? What little steps can you take to take care of you and kids? Your wife is clearly not in recovery. You are miserable. What next?
This doesn’t seem like a tenable situation either way. Maybe the roommate idea will clear some of the stress for you, but ultimately, it sounds like you maybe want to move on without her.
What might that scenario look like if that is so? What little steps can you take to take care of you and kids? Your wife is clearly not in recovery. You are miserable. What next?
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