Almost 2 years later
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
So what happens to improve your situation if you “out” her? Do you think she will embrace genuine recovery, or will this just be an excuse for her to start drinking again?
This doesn’t seem like a tenable situation either way. Maybe the roommate idea will clear some of the stress for you, but ultimately, it sounds like you maybe want to move on without her.
What might that scenario look like if that is so? What little steps can you take to take care of you and kids? Your wife is clearly not in recovery. You are miserable. What next?
This doesn’t seem like a tenable situation either way. Maybe the roommate idea will clear some of the stress for you, but ultimately, it sounds like you maybe want to move on without her.
What might that scenario look like if that is so? What little steps can you take to take care of you and kids? Your wife is clearly not in recovery. You are miserable. What next?
Hawkeye,
Thanks for the great questions. I haven’t gotten that far, still in disbelief about all the lying and hiding. It’s like booze all over again.
Different like you say but still mind altering. She’s buying the highest concentration of THC they offer in vape and flower so it’s definitely an escape. She keeps talking about drinking in the future.. quack quack.
The situation isn’t tenable and I’m starting to seriously visualize life apart for my own sanity. The amount of blame for her effed up life I’m on the receiving end of is pathetic. If it’s not one thing it’s another.
Where is the integrity? The brutal honesty she claims to have acquired through step work? How can she just keep on lying to her therapist, sponsor and AA friends is beyond me. That would eat me alive.
I’m beginning to suspect she has NPD, then again this is what addicts do. They lie. A lot.
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Yeah, she sure is doing the typical actions of an addict. No matter how predictable it is, it is still excruciating to live with.
The situation isn’t tenable and I’m starting to seriously visualize life apart for my own sanity. The amount of blame for her effed up life I’m on the receiving end of is pathetic. If it’s not one thing it’s another.
. Good to hear you are getting a vision of life without her. It does sound like that is where you are headed. I am so so sorry. No one wants this.
If you can Beach, try to think of what is the "next right step " for you to start setting up a better life. This is a super super tough thing to do when you have an active addict in your home; however it is the absolutely best thing. Every moment you are thinking about her addiction, lying, hypocrisy and considering reacting to this by talking to others about it, is wasted time and energy. Pour all of your efforts into saving yourself and your children.
Let us know how you get on.
Originally Posted by Beachn
The situation isn’t tenable and I’m starting to seriously visualize life apart for my own sanity. The amount of blame for her effed up life I’m on the receiving end of is pathetic. If it’s not one thing it’s another.
.
If you can Beach, try to think of what is the "next right step " for you to start setting up a better life. This is a super super tough thing to do when you have an active addict in your home; however it is the absolutely best thing. Every moment you are thinking about her addiction, lying, hypocrisy and considering reacting to this by talking to others about it, is wasted time and energy. Pour all of your efforts into saving yourself and your children.
Let us know how you get on.
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Originally Posted by Beachn
Where is the integrity? The brutal honesty she claims to have acquired through step work? How can she just keep on lying to her therapist, sponsor and AA friends is beyond me. That would eat me alive.
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Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
It seems that you are already seeing this, but she is not sober/straight and not in recovery AT ALL. She's very much in her addiction. Everything you're describing is the behavior of an active addict. Many alcoholics go to meetings and continue to drink or smoke weed. It's not unusual at all. I don't understand the mindset, either, but it's common enough. The bottom line is that step work, therapy, meetings - all worthless BS if someone is not sober.
Who knows, but I am certainly not interested in sticking my head in that vice again.
I have come to the conclusion my co-dependency is far from resolved if I’m once again trying to solve her problems. Back to the drawing board I go.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
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Originally Posted by Beachn
Thanks Trailmix appreciate the reply,,
Hawkeye,
Thanks for the great questions. I haven’t gotten that far, still in disbelief about all the lying and hiding. It’s like booze all over again.
Different like you say but still mind altering. She’s buying the highest concentration of THC they offer in vape and flower so it’s definitely an escape. She keeps talking about drinking in the future.. quack quack.
The situation isn’t tenable and I’m starting to seriously visualize life apart for my own sanity. The amount of blame for her effed up life I’m on the receiving end of is pathetic. If it’s not one thing it’s another.
Where is the integrity? The brutal honesty she claims to have acquired through step work? How can she just keep on lying to her therapist, sponsor and AA friends is beyond me. That would eat me alive.
I’m beginning to suspect she has NPD, then again this is what addicts do. They lie. A lot.
Hawkeye,
Thanks for the great questions. I haven’t gotten that far, still in disbelief about all the lying and hiding. It’s like booze all over again.
Different like you say but still mind altering. She’s buying the highest concentration of THC they offer in vape and flower so it’s definitely an escape. She keeps talking about drinking in the future.. quack quack.
The situation isn’t tenable and I’m starting to seriously visualize life apart for my own sanity. The amount of blame for her effed up life I’m on the receiving end of is pathetic. If it’s not one thing it’s another.
Where is the integrity? The brutal honesty she claims to have acquired through step work? How can she just keep on lying to her therapist, sponsor and AA friends is beyond me. That would eat me alive.
I’m beginning to suspect she has NPD, then again this is what addicts do. They lie. A lot.
My ex learned all the buzzwords in rehab. He used them to convince people around him he was in recovery, but he never really was. It let him feel like he was a better version of himself and gave him something new to throw in my face (he was trying to make amends so why wouldn’t I forgive him and take him back!). Anyway. That is sad and I am sorry to hear your wife is performing recovery for the audience of you.
if nothing else, this is a lesson in “words don’t matter.” She had all her justifications lined up and said she was toeing the line, but you saw her actions and they didn’t match her words. High is high, pot card or not, and it turns out (which seemed very likely to be the case from your initial post) that even that justification was popsicle sticks and newspaper. Let the actions be your guide, not the words. It felt wrong to you because it was.
hugs And strength to you.
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Originally Posted by DiggingForFire
my now-deceased AXH stopped drinking (allegedly) a few times and the amount of pot he smoked was staggering. But especially with the lying and hiding, it’s just the same (although maybe less likely to physically kill her). Not even taking a break from acting like an alcoholic.
My ex learned all the buzzwords in rehab. He used them to convince people around him he was in recovery, but he never really was. It let him feel like he was a better version of himself and gave him something new to throw in my face (he was trying to make amends so why wouldn’t I forgive him and take him back!). Anyway. That is sad and I am sorry to hear your wife is performing recovery for the audience of you.
if nothing else, this is a lesson in “words don’t matter.” She had all her justifications lined up and said she was toeing the line, but you saw her actions and they didn’t match her words. High is high, pot card or not, and it turns out (which seemed very likely to be the case from your initial post) that even that justification was popsicle sticks and newspaper. Let the actions be your guide, not the words. It felt wrong to you because it was.
hugs And strength to you.
My ex learned all the buzzwords in rehab. He used them to convince people around him he was in recovery, but he never really was. It let him feel like he was a better version of himself and gave him something new to throw in my face (he was trying to make amends so why wouldn’t I forgive him and take him back!). Anyway. That is sad and I am sorry to hear your wife is performing recovery for the audience of you.
if nothing else, this is a lesson in “words don’t matter.” She had all her justifications lined up and said she was toeing the line, but you saw her actions and they didn’t match her words. High is high, pot card or not, and it turns out (which seemed very likely to be the case from your initial post) that even that justification was popsicle sticks and newspaper. Let the actions be your guide, not the words. It felt wrong to you because it was.
hugs And strength to you.
This situation is weird as hell and getting weirder the more I really stop and look at it.
Similar to your AXH she learned all the right things to say in AA and these ladies absolutely love her, as does her therapist. she is quite the charming people pleaser, that has no problem hiding her true behavior. She’s starting to scare me...again.
She smokes 2 packs a day, drinks 3 pots of coffee, high from morning to night, eats like a bird to stay thin and is now on and posting videos to TikTok for god knows what reason.
If able to justify all of this I believe she’s capable of justifying just about anything. It’s like I’m dealing with a spoiled rotten teenager. She’s a mid 30s mother of 2 with a DUI, a stint in jail, debt out the wazoo, mugshot on the web and all that matters are scratching the itches s and appearing perfect.
What the hell is going on?
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Gently I suggest that understanding what is going on is less important than accepting that this is your reality right now, and in accepting, deciding whether or not it is something you can live with.
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Beachn.......have you ever taken your own inventory? This really is a serious question.
Most of us are better at taking other people's inventory---but, less so in taking our own. My general observation is that the more time we spend taking others', the less time we spend on ours.
Most of us are better at taking other people's inventory---but, less so in taking our own. My general observation is that the more time we spend taking others', the less time we spend on ours.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Beachn.......have you ever taken your own inventory? This really is a serious question.
Most of us are better at taking other people's inventory---but, less so in taking our own. My general observation is that the more time we spend taking others', the less time we spend on ours.
Most of us are better at taking other people's inventory---but, less so in taking our own. My general observation is that the more time we spend taking others', the less time we spend on ours.
Yes, and ongoing.
I know I’m picking her apart and I feel like crap for doing so. I just can’t get the chaos to stop and it’s driving me nuts. I just want a peaceful sober household to raise our children in, full time and if we split we split time with kids. That worries me immensely.
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Beachn......woodlandlost recently posted a site that he is using for his own self improvement journey. I am beginning to use it and I am impressed, so far. I am giving you the following link---you might want to take a look at it.
Peter K. Gerlach (sfhelp.org)
Peter K. Gerlach (sfhelp.org)
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Originally Posted by Beachn
Hi Digging and thanks.
This situation is weird as hell and getting weirder the more I really stop and look at it.
Similar to your AXH she learned all the right things to say in AA and these ladies absolutely love her, as does her therapist. she is quite the charming people pleaser, that has no problem hiding her true behavior. She’s starting to scare me...again.
She smokes 2 packs a day, drinks 3 pots of coffee, high from morning to night, eats like a bird to stay thin and is now on and posting videos to TikTok for god knows what reason.
If able to justify all of this I believe she’s capable of justifying just about anything. It’s like I’m dealing with a spoiled rotten teenager. She’s a mid 30s mother of 2 with a DUI, a stint in jail, debt out the wazoo, mugshot on the web and all that matters are scratching the itches s and appearing perfect.
What the hell is going on?
This situation is weird as hell and getting weirder the more I really stop and look at it.
Similar to your AXH she learned all the right things to say in AA and these ladies absolutely love her, as does her therapist. she is quite the charming people pleaser, that has no problem hiding her true behavior. She’s starting to scare me...again.
She smokes 2 packs a day, drinks 3 pots of coffee, high from morning to night, eats like a bird to stay thin and is now on and posting videos to TikTok for god knows what reason.
If able to justify all of this I believe she’s capable of justifying just about anything. It’s like I’m dealing with a spoiled rotten teenager. She’s a mid 30s mother of 2 with a DUI, a stint in jail, debt out the wazoo, mugshot on the web and all that matters are scratching the itches s and appearing perfect.
What the hell is going on?
Every time my AH starts smoking weed/vaping oils, it’s roughly about 2 weeks after he’s stopped drinking. And when he starts, I know it’s simply a matter of time before the drinking starts again. He uses it the same way he does alcohol, which is to say all day long. Every time he would normally reach for a beer, he’d be using marijuana instead. When his tolerance to it goes up so that it doesn't give him the high he craves, he returns to drinking.
It’s been the same pattern for the last 4 years, and I doubt it will change going forward. Prior to that, he was sober for 16 years.
Last edited by Sueby; 02-09-2021 at 06:18 PM. Reason: Spelling
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Originally Posted by Beachn
. I just can’t get the chaos to stop and it’s driving me nuts. I just want a peaceful sober household to raise our children .
Can you see any tiny step that you can take towards removing yourself and your children from the situation?
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