He is in recovery
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Join Date: Nov 2020
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Originally Posted by trailmix 
Oh ok, so just "foundation".
Oh well, it all sounds very - not right, I would guess there is more going on here.
Oh well, it all sounds very - not right, I would guess there is more going on here.
Originally Posted by trailmix
As for the divorce, divorces cost money and he doesn't really have any of his own. It's also work and it doesn't look like he's interested in doing that right now.
Originally Posted by trailmix
The good thing is you have got your own place, a safe place to be, you have activities you like. You may decide to go back to your home country, or stay where you are, the choice is yours. That's kind of a nice thing you know, you have choices!
You can make friends wherever you are, maybe join some groups (which may be online right now due to Covid, but may meet in person afterward). Even AlAnon might be a good group to join right now, they have online meetings available, normally in person too, depends on the restrictions in your area.
Aside from that, how about a fitness group, or taking group classes at the gym? I don't know if you have the organization Meetup in your country, but they have loads of different group activities that go on.
You can make friends wherever you are, maybe join some groups (which may be online right now due to Covid, but may meet in person afterward). Even AlAnon might be a good group to join right now, they have online meetings available, normally in person too, depends on the restrictions in your area.
Aside from that, how about a fitness group, or taking group classes at the gym? I don't know if you have the organization Meetup in your country, but they have loads of different group activities that go on.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by Mashabo
So as he told his sister he is waiting for that money to pay for divorce papers... and it breaks my heart honestly. He is just planning not talking to me and then just tell me when to sign the papers?! Hurts like heck.
As for the foundation, I'm not sure, I'm not familiar with that term for alcohol rehab, so it must be specific to the country you are in.
You know, he doesn't sound like a very nice person honestly. Have you considered that you may be lucky he is no longer in your life? His life is rather messy now, not in recovery, doing not much of anything to help himself, not really able to connect with his family, has treated you badly.
Just perhaps if you start thinking of it that way. I know it seems like someone came and took away the person you loved and replaced them with another person and in a way, with his personality change, that's kind of true. Doesn't look like he is going back to the way he way anytime soon. That might be good for him though, maybe someday he will sort himself out. The person you fell in love with, sadly, is gone. It may just be that the drugs were propping him up and now that he doesn't have them he can't cope in the world very well.
All that said, he is not your problem anymore.
Once you start getting out (even though you may not feel like it) you will start to feel better. You will make new, happy, memories for yourself, he won't be so important in your thoughts and the hurt will start to go away.
It's healing you need from this very bad experience.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes, I'm sorry you got hurt in this mess.
As for the foundation, I'm not sure, I'm not familiar with that term for alcohol rehab, so it must be specific to the country you are in.
You know, he doesn't sound like a very nice person honestly. Have you considered that you may be lucky he is no longer in your life? His life is rather messy now, not in recovery, doing not much of anything to help himself, not really able to connect with his family, has treated you badly.
Just perhaps if you start thinking of it that way. I know it seems like someone came and took away the person you loved and replaced them with another person and in a way, with his personality change, that's kind of true. Doesn't look like he is going back to the way he way anytime soon. That might be good for him though, maybe someday he will sort himself out. The person you fell in love with, sadly, is gone. It may just be that the drugs were propping him up and now that he doesn't have them he can't cope in the world very well.
All that said, he is not your problem anymore.
Once you start getting out (even though you may not feel like it) you will start to feel better. You will make new, happy, memories for yourself, he won't be so important in your thoughts and the hurt will start to go away.
It's healing you need from this very bad experience.
As for the foundation, I'm not sure, I'm not familiar with that term for alcohol rehab, so it must be specific to the country you are in.
You know, he doesn't sound like a very nice person honestly. Have you considered that you may be lucky he is no longer in your life? His life is rather messy now, not in recovery, doing not much of anything to help himself, not really able to connect with his family, has treated you badly.
Just perhaps if you start thinking of it that way. I know it seems like someone came and took away the person you loved and replaced them with another person and in a way, with his personality change, that's kind of true. Doesn't look like he is going back to the way he way anytime soon. That might be good for him though, maybe someday he will sort himself out. The person you fell in love with, sadly, is gone. It may just be that the drugs were propping him up and now that he doesn't have them he can't cope in the world very well.
All that said, he is not your problem anymore.
Once you start getting out (even though you may not feel like it) you will start to feel better. You will make new, happy, memories for yourself, he won't be so important in your thoughts and the hurt will start to go away.
It's healing you need from this very bad experience.
Yea, I know you are right. Though I’ve never seen him as a bad person, always saw him as kind, intelligent and caring human being. Now I understood though that he has a problem with pleasing. He acts so much better with people who are not very close to him, so everyone adore him. And he always said he did it because he was a good person, but now I think there is smth else behind it, like the need for approval and love. That’s what happened in this rehab, they love him there, and some people say he restored their faith in humanity. And that’s the person who treats badly those who are close to him...hypocritical behavior.
I know I should just let it go finally, but it’s soo freaking hard to realize how this person changed in just 2 months, from “You are the love of my life and the most important person” to “I need a divorce” and then total indifference.
And thank you for your support and all the messages, I appreciate it very much!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by Mashabo
I know I should just let it go finally, but it’s soo freaking hard to realize how this person changed in just 2 months, from “You are the love of my life and the most important person” to “I need a divorce” and then total indifference.
From this thread: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ddicts-do.html (What Addicts Do)
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
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Originally Posted by trailmix
It is hard to for us to understand the change addiction can make in someone, whether they are using or just sober but not in recovery. I think this is pretty accurate
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Hawkeye, thanks for your comment that, "Yes, the “not your business “ does sound harsh out of the context which is meant to be supportive. You can tie yourself in knots for decades trying to understand/ support an addict, but they will still do what they do until they choose change—and often they don’t. It is their life to rebuild or destroy, as hard as it is for those of us who love them to accept."
I'm new to understanding co-dependency, new to Al-Anon, etc., and new to having (and trying to survive having had) an AXBF, and every time someone says that to me (e.g., stay in your lane, it's not your business, stop obsessing) it sounds so beyond harsh (almost like I'm an idiot for trying to figure something out, which has made me a thoughtful/understanding person in other contexts), but the part of your post that says, "You can tie yourself in knots for decades trying to understanding/support ..." -- that helps me finally understand why I should stay in my own lane. To help myself.
Mashabo, all I can say is I understand where you are right now. You are not alone in your thoughts and feelings.
I'm new to understanding co-dependency, new to Al-Anon, etc., and new to having (and trying to survive having had) an AXBF, and every time someone says that to me (e.g., stay in your lane, it's not your business, stop obsessing) it sounds so beyond harsh (almost like I'm an idiot for trying to figure something out, which has made me a thoughtful/understanding person in other contexts), but the part of your post that says, "You can tie yourself in knots for decades trying to understanding/support ..." -- that helps me finally understand why I should stay in my own lane. To help myself.
Mashabo, all I can say is I understand where you are right now. You are not alone in your thoughts and feelings.
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Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 162
Originally Posted by OKRunner
Hawkeye, thanks for your comment that, "Yes, the “not your business “ does sound harsh out of the context which is meant to be supportive. You can tie yourself in knots for decades trying to understand/ support an addict, but they will still do what they do until they choose change—and often they don’t. It is their life to rebuild or destroy, as hard as it is for those of us who love them to accept."
I'm new to understanding co-dependency, new to Al-Anon, etc., and new to having (and trying to survive having had) an AXBF, and every time someone says that to me (e.g., stay in your lane, it's not your business, stop obsessing) it sounds so beyond harsh (almost like I'm an idiot for trying to figure something out, which has made me a thoughtful/understanding person in other contexts), but the part of your post that says, "You can tie yourself in knots for decades trying to understanding/support ..." -- that helps me finally understand why I should stay in my own lane. To help myself.
Mashabo, all I can say is I understand where you are right now. You are not alone in your thoughts and feelings.
I'm new to understanding co-dependency, new to Al-Anon, etc., and new to having (and trying to survive having had) an AXBF, and every time someone says that to me (e.g., stay in your lane, it's not your business, stop obsessing) it sounds so beyond harsh (almost like I'm an idiot for trying to figure something out, which has made me a thoughtful/understanding person in other contexts), but the part of your post that says, "You can tie yourself in knots for decades trying to understanding/support ..." -- that helps me finally understand why I should stay in my own lane. To help myself.
Mashabo, all I can say is I understand where you are right now. You are not alone in your thoughts and feelings.
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