Bad news and complications
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Bad news and complications
Hi All,
Just got word from Ex today. SHe has ovarian cancer and is going on for surgery to have an ovary removed...and then they will look at the extent of the cancer and if follow up treatment will be required. Kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. With all the rest of the stuff that has been going on...gives me pause. I feel terribly for her and this must be a brutally scary experience. She has contacted me to tell me and to tell me how scared she is...I want to be there for her, but I don't think it is my place to do that anymore. I know there will be some management around letting our daughter in on this too. Complicated....Not even sure how to deal with this. Anyone else have a similar experience?
Just got word from Ex today. SHe has ovarian cancer and is going on for surgery to have an ovary removed...and then they will look at the extent of the cancer and if follow up treatment will be required. Kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. With all the rest of the stuff that has been going on...gives me pause. I feel terribly for her and this must be a brutally scary experience. She has contacted me to tell me and to tell me how scared she is...I want to be there for her, but I don't think it is my place to do that anymore. I know there will be some management around letting our daughter in on this too. Complicated....Not even sure how to deal with this. Anyone else have a similar experience?
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: Great Lakes
Posts: 139
I have been through a lot .
My dad had stents put in .
The doctor wanted to put more in but with stage 3 kidney problems they could not .
He died about 4 years ago .
I bought his head stone today .
I have been in er for 10 years watching my brother pass away .
I mother passed last may .
I took care of them all .
Now I am sick .
I go to the er for myself .
Thats why I know about medicine .
My dad had stents put in .
The doctor wanted to put more in but with stage 3 kidney problems they could not .
He died about 4 years ago .
I bought his head stone today .
I have been in er for 10 years watching my brother pass away .
I mother passed last may .
I took care of them all .
Now I am sick .
I go to the er for myself .
Thats why I know about medicine .
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
This is going to sound awful...but before you get too far back down that road and certainly before anyone tells your daughter anything, independently verify that this is true.
I’ve seen posts with qualifiers who have lied about everything from stomach cancer to a brain tumor. It’s a way to both become a victim and therefore blameless and to get their enablers sucked back in.
Just a suggestion.
I’ve seen posts with qualifiers who have lied about everything from stomach cancer to a brain tumor. It’s a way to both become a victim and therefore blameless and to get their enablers sucked back in.
Just a suggestion.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Yes, a wise suggestion!
I have known two people in this situation, one was my Mother, the other a good friend. Both had surgery, both recovered nicely and there was never a reoccurrence. As an aside, my Father the alcoholic was zero support for her. Not that he didn't care, just that he couldn't be.
Personally? I would offer some support, maybe via email, as you would for any friend. I think it might be hurtful to you to get too involved or for her to become reliant on you as a "main" support, don't you?
As for your Daughter, I can't remember her age sorry, around 10? I wouldn't give her details, she will need to know that when she's older, but not now. Just the bare facts, that her Mom needs a small surgery. No need for her to be scared at all.
I do wish her well and I hope she has a fast recovery.
I have known two people in this situation, one was my Mother, the other a good friend. Both had surgery, both recovered nicely and there was never a reoccurrence. As an aside, my Father the alcoholic was zero support for her. Not that he didn't care, just that he couldn't be.
Personally? I would offer some support, maybe via email, as you would for any friend. I think it might be hurtful to you to get too involved or for her to become reliant on you as a "main" support, don't you?
As for your Daughter, I can't remember her age sorry, around 10? I wouldn't give her details, she will need to know that when she's older, but not now. Just the bare facts, that her Mom needs a small surgery. No need for her to be scared at all.
I do wish her well and I hope she has a fast recovery.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Originally Posted by NONIA 
I do not lie .
I had MPOA for my dad and watched him take is last breath .
I had MPOA for my dad and watched him take is last breath .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Hi,
We are legally seperated. In the great north you require one year seperation prior to divorce, and that requires a host of papers, agreements etc...which my EX simply won't even discuss. So yes, we are legally sep and have been not living together for 22 months now.
We are legally seperated. In the great north you require one year seperation prior to divorce, and that requires a host of papers, agreements etc...which my EX simply won't even discuss. So yes, we are legally sep and have been not living together for 22 months now.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
woodland-----thanks. I get it---back when I divorced my first husband, it was the same for me. One year of legal separation.
well....
The only reason that I ask is because of possible legal implications with the news of possible health problems with your separated wife--as compared with totally divorced wife.
well....
The only reason that I ask is because of possible legal implications with the news of possible health problems with your separated wife--as compared with totally divorced wife.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
Hi woodland
sorry to hear about your ex. I had ovarian cancer 2 years ago. I had a full hysterectomy and 10 weeks later another surgery to take out some lymph.
I'm not going to pretend it was easy but 2 years on I am going to kick boxing, I'm cycling, working etc. I have made a very good recovery.
Last spring my qualifier told me he had colon cancer. I jumped into action, cancelled our divorce and took him to a private doctor which I also paid for.
I wanted to help him and I thought it would be easier for the kids if I helped out. Turned out he made it up, he was fine. It was another layer of hurt for me on top of him refusing to believe I had cancer as well as all the other hurtful things he had done. He sucked me in again.
Take your time with this one. Weigh it all up how much you want to help. You don't have an obligation to help but I understand why you would want to. Cancer was a massive journey for me. A friend who had had cancer told me it was a gift. At the time I thought she was insane but now I understand why she said that. The experience has given me a completely new perspective on life and has changed me for the better.
Sometimes things aren't as bad as they seem.
sorry to hear about your ex. I had ovarian cancer 2 years ago. I had a full hysterectomy and 10 weeks later another surgery to take out some lymph.
I'm not going to pretend it was easy but 2 years on I am going to kick boxing, I'm cycling, working etc. I have made a very good recovery.
Last spring my qualifier told me he had colon cancer. I jumped into action, cancelled our divorce and took him to a private doctor which I also paid for.
I wanted to help him and I thought it would be easier for the kids if I helped out. Turned out he made it up, he was fine. It was another layer of hurt for me on top of him refusing to believe I had cancer as well as all the other hurtful things he had done. He sucked me in again.
Take your time with this one. Weigh it all up how much you want to help. You don't have an obligation to help but I understand why you would want to. Cancer was a massive journey for me. A friend who had had cancer told me it was a gift. At the time I thought she was insane but now I understand why she said that. The experience has given me a completely new perspective on life and has changed me for the better.
Sometimes things aren't as bad as they seem.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Wow, Amaranth...what a journey for you!! Glad you came out on top.
\I don't think I will be very much involved, the Canadian health system as you know is free so she is covered, no matter the extent of the surgery/treatment, etc. We are blessed here for sure. If it is true, there isn't much I can do anyway...I can have empathy for her, but it does not change anything...we are getting divorced. She has support people in her life and I think she will come out on top too.
As for the rest of it, these is so much going on, and I have my mother in law returning and going back into the suite. We have been talking and I have said that I am not prepared to continue having her live in the house and that she needs to find a place to move. I will be giving her 2 months notice (which I have found the forms on the landlord/tenancy act) when she returns...I want to do a full scale cleansing of the Ex and her family.
Thanks all
\I don't think I will be very much involved, the Canadian health system as you know is free so she is covered, no matter the extent of the surgery/treatment, etc. We are blessed here for sure. If it is true, there isn't much I can do anyway...I can have empathy for her, but it does not change anything...we are getting divorced. She has support people in her life and I think she will come out on top too.
As for the rest of it, these is so much going on, and I have my mother in law returning and going back into the suite. We have been talking and I have said that I am not prepared to continue having her live in the house and that she needs to find a place to move. I will be giving her 2 months notice (which I have found the forms on the landlord/tenancy act) when she returns...I want to do a full scale cleansing of the Ex and her family.
Thanks all
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Dandy,
You make a good point. But as I understand it, in Canada anyway, being divorced does not mean that things like spousal and child support remain static. The lower income earning partner has a right to re-examine income every year and go before a court and argue increases. Financial stuff makes me sick. Thinking of a camper van and a sudden retirement.
You make a good point. But as I understand it, in Canada anyway, being divorced does not mean that things like spousal and child support remain static. The lower income earning partner has a right to re-examine income every year and go before a court and argue increases. Financial stuff makes me sick. Thinking of a camper van and a sudden retirement.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
As I get more info, according to her she has had a biopsy and and was deemed to require a removal of one ovary. She has a pre-op tomorrow she indicated to me. She also missed her Saturday visit and called DD today, clearly under the influence. So I reckon she is in a bad state for sure. My sense is that it seems pretty real...it woud be an elaborate hoax, going to the extent she has and the lingo she is throwing around...So far she has an ultrasound, an internal ultrasound and a biopsy...and surgery is next.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
"...I want to do a full scale cleansing of the Ex and her family. "
Love this - so healthy!
I do believe the best thing for you is to NOT have your MIL back at all,
and if it's necessary due to legalities that's one thing, but considering
she's been away so long, could there be exceptions? Couldn't she move in
with your ex? That seems more logical to me. Have you told her about
2 month period yet?
Love this - so healthy!
I do believe the best thing for you is to NOT have your MIL back at all,
and if it's necessary due to legalities that's one thing, but considering
she's been away so long, could there be exceptions? Couldn't she move in
with your ex? That seems more logical to me. Have you told her about
2 month period yet?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 62
Just FYI, her story seems fishy. I work in the medical field and normally biopsies are not done prior to surgery for ovarian cancer (due to risk of spreading the cancer). The biopsy is usually done during the surgery when the ovary is removed. You may want to get real proof before you tell your daughter something that could potentially be traumatic.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2020
Location: Anywhere, US
Posts: 21
Sotired is right. I'm also in the medical field, and the way this is described makes me think she had a cone biopsy from her cervix that may have come back with suspicious cells, so now they are recommending hysterectomy. During this, they will test the cells for cervical cancer.
The usual path of this would be to test those cells before diagnosing, and they wont be able to biopsy ovaries without that surgery.
I know she's probably scared, though.
The usual path of this would be to test those cells before diagnosing, and they wont be able to biopsy ovaries without that surgery.
I know she's probably scared, though.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
That sounds pretty accurate. She had multiple LEAPs in years past, and I think the CONE is the last straw when it comes to testing for bad cells (I think?). And she said the Dr's suggested a hysterectomy. So you are right, she likely hasn't had the ovarian cells analyzed yet...She ended up in the hospital last thursday, she told me it was her pancreas acting up again, in there until tomorrow. I wonder if she went in to detox too. Oh well. It isn't my problem anymore. It feels soooooooooooo strange. I remember I could not keep myself out of the hospital two years ago, and last year when she was in treatment, I was right by her side. This time, I just find it strange to drive by the hospital. She has some other dude now. not my problem
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