Seeking advice - behaviour changes when BF drinks
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Join Date: Dec 2020
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Seeking advice - behaviour changes when BF drinks
I love my boyfriend very much and when he's sober or not too drunk we are very happy - he functions, more or less, despite his addiction. The problem is that when he is properly drunk which happens about 3 times a week and it's like he becomes someone else. We always end up arguing as he becomes so sensitive and touchy and unreasonable - he just cannot judge our conversations as he can when he is more sober. It's impossible for me to say anything right and I can't challenge anything he say's - he twists my words against me (well. he's largely incoherent) and, of course, denies he is that drunk at all. He also doesn't like me referring to the fact he is drunk or how much this changes him. We are planning a future together - he wants to get married and have kids - and we are about to start trying - but this is of course very worrying for me. I really don't know how to approach the situation with him and could use some advice. Thanks in advance.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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oliveoil------You cannot engage with an inebriated person. It goes nowhere. except to upset you----and, besides, they remember almost nothing about it, the next day----while you carry all of the pain---every detail in your memory. I suggest that you make a boundary for yourself-----If he is drinking or drunk---you will not be around him. Find a way to leave the house.
You asked for some "advice"....I am going to give you the strongest advice that I can think of to give a woman----Do not have children with this man. Whatever the issues are now----they will multiply a hundred times more, once a child enters the picture. I cannot emphasize this strongly enough. Once a child comes, you are tied into his alcoholism for the rest of time. Plus, practicing alcoholics are not good father material---no matter how much you love him. It is too much to shoulder the drinking and the proper responsibilities of fatherhood, also. You will find yourself alone as a single parent---even if he is still around---you will still be "alone" in the parenting role.
oliveoil----alcoholism is progressive, over time. Meaning that it will get worse as time marches on----the drinking will become more and the "good" times will become less ad less.
Please learn all you can about alcoholism and the effects on the family and the loved ones.
One thing----one "trap" that many young women fall into is to believe that the man will quit drinking and become responsible because a baby is on the way----and the father often promises this in very convincing and fervent ways. In reality, the opposite happens----it actually beomes worse. I have witnessed this over and over....and, over.....
Alcoholics drink to handle emotions----the good and the bad emotions....they drink because of birthdays. anniverseries, and and new job. They drink to cope with a job loss, the death of anyone that they know, or because the cat vomited in their new sneakers. They drink because of the stress of a new baby.
I am sooo sorry to have to tell you all of this. But, as a woman I feel that it is my responsibility---my moral responsibility to do so. The subject is just too important to sweep under the rug. It can affect your whole future.
You asked for some "advice"....I am going to give you the strongest advice that I can think of to give a woman----Do not have children with this man. Whatever the issues are now----they will multiply a hundred times more, once a child enters the picture. I cannot emphasize this strongly enough. Once a child comes, you are tied into his alcoholism for the rest of time. Plus, practicing alcoholics are not good father material---no matter how much you love him. It is too much to shoulder the drinking and the proper responsibilities of fatherhood, also. You will find yourself alone as a single parent---even if he is still around---you will still be "alone" in the parenting role.
oliveoil----alcoholism is progressive, over time. Meaning that it will get worse as time marches on----the drinking will become more and the "good" times will become less ad less.
Please learn all you can about alcoholism and the effects on the family and the loved ones.
One thing----one "trap" that many young women fall into is to believe that the man will quit drinking and become responsible because a baby is on the way----and the father often promises this in very convincing and fervent ways. In reality, the opposite happens----it actually beomes worse. I have witnessed this over and over....and, over.....
Alcoholics drink to handle emotions----the good and the bad emotions....they drink because of birthdays. anniverseries, and and new job. They drink to cope with a job loss, the death of anyone that they know, or because the cat vomited in their new sneakers. They drink because of the stress of a new baby.
I am sooo sorry to have to tell you all of this. But, as a woman I feel that it is my responsibility---my moral responsibility to do so. The subject is just too important to sweep under the rug. It can affect your whole future.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 194
I feel I have to echo what Dandy said, please do not think that having children with this man will change him. Co-parenting with an alcoholic is so difficult, plus if he drinks to cope with stress I can't tell you how much stress a new baby brings to a home. Please read through these forums and learn what you can about alcoholism. Have you ever addressed his drinking with him before? Does he want to stop? I know this is probably not what you came here to hear but please think long and hard about a future with an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by oliveoil1979 
...he wants to get married and have kids - and we are about to start trying...
To be blunt, you will inflict a lifetime of pain and sorrow upon them - unless they, themselves, seek lifelong recovery from the abuse and psychological damage. It's certainly possible to recover from growing up with a parent who abuses alcohol and in turn, abuses loved ones, but it is a lifelong challenge. While you are learning more about alcoholism, PLEASE do not have children.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Run. Now. Don't look back. I can almost guarantee you you're going to be in for a long, miserable journey married and raising children with a man who drinks like that. Heed the advice you're going to get on these boards. I'm sorry to seem blunt or harsh, but get out now before you have too much invested in him. Mature healthy men don't act like that.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Virginia
Posts: 134
OliveO... I don't usually post much in response to requests for advice because I live with an active A and have for more than 17 years, but I can say a few words to you on this topic. First of all, let me tell you how sorry I am that you find yourself in this situation, but I am glad you are seeking guidance here on SR. Every single one of us understand where you are coming from.
As folks have already expressed to you, you cannot change another person's behaviour any more than you can change the weather. Oh how I wish this were possible, but what a terrible responsibility to possess as well! Your BF has already made it clear that he doesn't want to discuss his actions and behaviours around his drinking and, trust me, this will not change unless he wants it to change. And even then, it may not change.
In addition, I wish that I could tell you that your BF will quit drinking once you are married and have children, but I can't. My question is: even without children, do you want to spend the rest of your life the way it is right now? Is it OK for 3 days a week to be miserable for you, or even 1 day a week? My alcoholic has not progressed in the drinking category YET, but other things are worse... I never knew loneliness like this while in a relationship and in the same room with a significant other!
Please listen to those alarm bells that are going off inside your head about your BF... they are not lying to you.
MyGirlGracie
As folks have already expressed to you, you cannot change another person's behaviour any more than you can change the weather. Oh how I wish this were possible, but what a terrible responsibility to possess as well! Your BF has already made it clear that he doesn't want to discuss his actions and behaviours around his drinking and, trust me, this will not change unless he wants it to change. And even then, it may not change.
In addition, I wish that I could tell you that your BF will quit drinking once you are married and have children, but I can't. My question is: even without children, do you want to spend the rest of your life the way it is right now? Is it OK for 3 days a week to be miserable for you, or even 1 day a week? My alcoholic has not progressed in the drinking category YET, but other things are worse... I never knew loneliness like this while in a relationship and in the same room with a significant other!
Please listen to those alarm bells that are going off inside your head about your BF... they are not lying to you.
MyGirlGracie
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
OliveOil...
We all love our alcoholics....but another person's love cannot cure the addict...read around here and let go of the knee-jerk reaction that your situation is special or your A is different....the details may be unique but the story is the same: alcoholism is progressive, a healthy happy relationship with an alcoholic is simply NOT possible, growing up in an alcoholic home is damaging to children, you cannot cure it or say or do anything to make them stop, and codependency is an equally destructive illness that can affect the children, friends, and family of alcoholics.
Sorry you are having to deal with this painful discovery, but keep your eyes wide open and stay in reality. My A brothers dated some wonderful women over the years...I watched many of them struggle to try and change my brothers, struggle to "get them to see" etc. My oldest A bro's marriage ended in divorce, produced one A son and one normie, my other A bros never married....they would be very difficult now to live with for any woman....
Do you have access to any counseling? A great thing to do when trying to figure out a tough choice, esp when dealing with an alcoholic, is to speak to a counselor who has some experience with codependent thinking and addiction. Examining the self, asking, How did I get here? and What do I want for MY life? are great starting points for therapy!
Peace,
B.
We all love our alcoholics....but another person's love cannot cure the addict...read around here and let go of the knee-jerk reaction that your situation is special or your A is different....the details may be unique but the story is the same: alcoholism is progressive, a healthy happy relationship with an alcoholic is simply NOT possible, growing up in an alcoholic home is damaging to children, you cannot cure it or say or do anything to make them stop, and codependency is an equally destructive illness that can affect the children, friends, and family of alcoholics.
Sorry you are having to deal with this painful discovery, but keep your eyes wide open and stay in reality. My A brothers dated some wonderful women over the years...I watched many of them struggle to try and change my brothers, struggle to "get them to see" etc. My oldest A bro's marriage ended in divorce, produced one A son and one normie, my other A bros never married....they would be very difficult now to live with for any woman....
Do you have access to any counseling? A great thing to do when trying to figure out a tough choice, esp when dealing with an alcoholic, is to speak to a counselor who has some experience with codependent thinking and addiction. Examining the self, asking, How did I get here? and What do I want for MY life? are great starting points for therapy!
Peace,
B.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Yes, I hope you will read around the forums here and get a really good idea of what alcoholism is and how that affects both you and the alcoholic.
Alcoholism does not just affect the addict, it affects everyone in the family, including any children.
That "someone" else that he becomes three nights a week is him. He is not the "good guy" and the "other guy" he is all those things, "one guy". It can be really detrimental to you if you don't really embrace that.
If you do decide to go ahead, you will need to accept him just the way he is, not how you hope he will be - also know that alcoholism is progressive.
This is you telling you what you already know. I hope you listen to yourself.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's)
Alcoholism does not just affect the addict, it affects everyone in the family, including any children.
That "someone" else that he becomes three nights a week is him. He is not the "good guy" and the "other guy" he is all those things, "one guy". It can be really detrimental to you if you don't really embrace that.
If you do decide to go ahead, you will need to accept him just the way he is, not how you hope he will be - also know that alcoholism is progressive.
we are about to start trying - but this is of course very worrying for me
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's)
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