flower959

What is it about holiday weekends that make someone want to be so drunk the entire time, that they can't even function properly? That can't be fun. Why would anyone want that? What a sad way to live life. The holidays are always worse. I know, I know. I'll never be able to make any sense of it because I'm a normie. The power of the addiction is strong.

I was reading through some of the other threads and wanted to call out a few things that ring with me.

Alcoholics lose their short term memory. That's why they act like nothing happened the very next day. Yes! They truly "most likely" have no recollection of their atrocious behavior. If I got sucked into to a ridiculous fight, they won't remember those crappy and irrational comments. There's no point in having the fight then. So what goes through their minds the next day? Do they just not know what occurred the day before? It's just a blank? Or do they have delusional memories such as, We all had a wonderful time and they were the life of the party?

Alcoholics get progressively worse (without actively working a program). Yep. If I would go back & read my posts and my personal journals, I'd likely very clearly see the progression. What's amazing is, this is going to get worse. This was the 1st year that I put up our main Christmas tree by myself in all of the years that we've been together (dating & marriage). This is progression. It's just a little sort of thing, but it's definitely progression. He's now trying to validate by saying he's in menopause (for men). Quack. Quack.

The alcoholic loses cognitive function. Yes, Yes, Yes. Alcohol kills those brain cells. I had a bulb out on the Christmas tree, and I explained for 10 minutes what the problem was and was still met with a blank stare. When I realized that I wasn't going to get anywhere with him, I just stopped explaining (I still get sucked into madness sometimes). He struggles to do simple things anymore. He gets mad at Alexa because she can't understand his slurring. He gets very angry quickly. Kinda like a toddler. I've thought many times that I'm now living with a child that has regressed in age and maturity.

I spent most of the weekend really by myself. He was basically non-functional. I still put up the Christmas decorations, watched my movies/TV, cooked what I wanted to cook. I'm more at peace when he's non-functional and sleeping it off as opposed to subjecting me to his drunken behavior. I found myself getting annoyed when he woke up. Hmmmm. . . . .

Can anyone relate to this stuff? I'm gradually getting more numb by these shenanigans anymore. I don't respond to the little jabs that intend to bait me into arguments (you know, those snarky little comments). But, I still get amazed sometimes at the things that happen & things that are said (the quacking). It's sad but at the same time, sometimes I laugh silently at the mind blowing stupidity of some of this stuff.

woodlandlost

Hi Flower,

Sounds not very festive at all. Good on ya, for doing some of those things for yourself. I feel for you though. I recall those days of becoming de-sensitized to the crazyness. Problem was I let way too much go, I stood in there, accepting that behaviour in my life. The progression of the disease has a progressive effect on the partner too and once it get's to a certain threshold it becomes harder and harder to make changes. UGH!! Really appreciated your post and I hope you can find some peace somewhere out there.

velma929

What is it about holiday weekends that make someone want to be so drunk the entire time, that they can't even function properly?
I have no earthly idea. but my husband was one of those people. I can only guess that something (likely something that happened in Vietnam) was horrific, unforgettable, the the debriefing he got was insufficient to deal with it. Vietnam vets weren't treated that well on return, either.
That can't be fun. Why would anyone want that?
Like being poor, nobody wants it. Some lack the opportunity or perhaps the initiative to problem-solve or seek help. Maybe someone feels like only weak people ask for help. It's probably easier to drift along in the haze and just accept one's lot.

SmallButMighty

I wish I could say I did not relate to what you have said in your post Flower... but I very much remember dealing with what you are dealing with and feeling what you are feeling. You seem to be doing a decent job of detaching from the crazy and doing your own thing. For me that got so frustrating, and so damn lonely. The most alone I have ever felt was to be in a room with my ex husband when he was drunk.

Watching my relatively young, 40ish year old husband losing his cognitive abilities was terrifying. At one time he had been as smart as a whip but by 40ish, some times simple concepts eluded him. This one time, he could NOT understand that the two columns of numbers (debts vs. expenses) would be totaled and then added together for a final amount owing per month... he INSISTED I move one of the items to the other column. I explained half a dozen times that would not change the final total. He worked himself into a rage and DEMANDED I move the the one thing to the other column. I did, (mostly to prove I was right, not because I was in the habit of taking orders) and of course, it still added up the same. He paced around with his hands on his head trying to make sense of it. Now, this was a guy at got "A"s in high school algebra and trig.. the same guy who when we were about 20 took an advanced math class through the mail FOR FUN. So scary to watch that slip away.

At the same time I was seeing this decline in my AXH, my dad was finally losing his "functioning" status as an alcoholic. he was around 70 and the wet brain syndrome was setting in. Again, terrifying to watch happen to a man who was at one time so highly intelligent. I could see this was the road my AXH was on as well, but it was going to happen a lot sooner than 30years down the road. I tried talking to my AXH about it, he shrugged it off and said he didn't even expect to live to 60 so that wasn't going to be his problem. Well jeeze, thanks hun, way to set up your wife's golden years. I didn't like what I saw when I looked to our future together as husband and wife. I didn't want to follow in my parent's footsteps anymore.

I could go on and on and on for days with examples of weird, upsetting, baffling and dysfunctional behavior. Some of it my own. Like Woodlandlost said, the longer I put up with it, the worse my life spiraled out of control and the harder it was for me to make the healthy changes I needed to make.

So , again, yes, I very much can relate to what you are going through with your alcoholic husband... and I am so very sorry that you find yourself in that situation. I remember it all too well. I hope you manage to carve out time for the things that bring you joy this holiday season, regardless of whatever he decides to get up to. Keep talking it through with us, it's good to talk to people who understand just how bizarre living with an alcoholic can be.

trailmix

My experience in seeing this is - they have time to drink, plus it's a hugely grand excuse (and some alcoholics like to have a "reason" to get plastered).

It can be that they just forgot (I'm speaking from experience here, I have had too much to drink on more than one occasion). Thing is, i'm not an alcoholic so this wasn't a regular or ongoing occurrence, so as a group drinking, you just kind of overlook the ridiculous things - which is different than forgetting. However, lots of the memories are gone from the night or someone else would need to prod your memory. Now there is also blacking out, when those memories are never made. How it feels is you remember before you blacked out (mostly) and then you probably might remember a few moments afterward, or nothing at all. While to the outside world you look - drunk but normal, your mind is not recording those memories - they just aren't there. So you remember up until - say, you left the bar and nothing else for the rest of the night.

I remember this from my Father, you just breath a sigh of relief. Nothing to attend to, no barking, no fear/tension/exasperation/interrupting/demands. Who wouldn't prefer that?

I too hope you make some fun memories of your own, at least, this year.

dandylion

flower,,,,,,,,I just went back and read everything you have written in all of your past threads. One of the things that I am struck by, is the absolute dread and anxiety that accompanies all the Holidays...and, most of your usual weekends.
Same basic behaviors, over and over, again....for the both of you, basically. That is what it looks like to me.
flower----you are responsible for your own happiness---you can't look to him for it. You have so desperately---desperately---hoped for him to change. You have even said, that when you were giving up hope---that you were hoping to have the hope, itself,back, again. flower---"Man (or woman) does not live by hope alcone".

Flower-----you have to be willing to make the changes that will bring you happiness or contentment or security or peace of mind. Whatever change is required to do that---those are the changes that you have to make. Rationalizations or excuses, etc. won't do it.....As a popular Character says-----"It is either do or don't do".

flower---by past history, you already know what this coming Christmas holiday is going to bring. I suggest that, this year, this time, you take The Wheel, yourself and have control over YOUR Christmas and your enyoyment of the season.
There is so much going in, in the world this year, especially. Why not involve yourself in it in a meaningful way. I hear that you are good at crafts---why not make some gifts to be given to some lonely folks---like at nursing facilities, or for foster children, or, perhaps, volunteer for the Salvation Army? Maybe, donate some time at the local animal shelter....or, spend some time, outside feeding the birds--and , making some bird feeders, bird houses---as gifts---. You get the idea....
I hear that you have a mother and brother....how about spending some time with them on Christmas Day and New Years Day......and, making their holiday a bit merrier?
OR, you could go waaay out on a limb and just take a solo trip somewhere you have always wanted to visit---spend a night or two and eat some good food and find some entertainment that you enjoy.

You can leave your husband at home. He can drink all he wants...After all, whether you stay with him or go enjoy yourself, he won't remember it much anyway.

I'll bet (I know) that you wil have a much better holiday than you have had in years---if you will put your effort into it......
What do you have to lose, anyway?

mylifeismine

It is a mental illness and a person cannot live with a mentally ill person and
not be deeply if not permanently affected by it.

Are you thinking you can live like this the rest of your life and not go a little or
a lot crazy yourself? Thing is, after so much drinking, even if they sober up and
work on a program, there is no guarantee you will have the same man back or
someone who closely resembles him. Too much damage has been done.

I spent years just existing, not living at all, in a marriage, but not having a partner.
It was the cruelest thing I've ever done to myself and I will never do it again
and I cringe when I see others spending years of their precious lives that way.

flower959

SmallButMighty-I think that I've gotten better at detaching. I'm not always good with it but it feels like it's getting easier. I've learned a bit over the past few years about manipulating behaviors (also gaslighting) and get better at identifying it as it's happening as opposed to maybe after it's happened. There have been those "Ah Ha!" moments when I realized after the fact that I was just manipulated. You know-when you think back on something that's happened and do a palm to forehead smack. LOL. My emotional intelligence has gotten stronger, IMO. I still get sucked into the irrational arguments once in a while. Sometimes, I'm angry or in a bad mood and that's when I tend to get sucked in. Otherwise, I grey rock quite a bit anymore.

He loses his phone often or his water cup, or his. . . . whatever it may be. I don't engage in the search. I don't know where it is. I don't care; it's not my responsibility. Sometimes I may even know because I can see it plain as day sitting on the counter. But if I can see it plain as day, then he can too.

As for this cognitive function-yes, there are so many times that I wonder about dementia or alzheimers simply because there's no short term memory anymore. I remember him telling me that he wanted me to talk to him more, which he's done a handful of times. He's bothered by the fact that I don't really talk to him about anything. I don't tell him about things. And it's because, well, what's the point? He doesn't remember it anyways.

He'll say quite often, especially if there's tension present, that he would do anything for me. He would stand in front of the bus that's going to hit me. But what good is that if he won't be able to figure out which bus it is? And he won't be able to walk/run in a straight line to it?

I wonder about mental illnesses, such as some sort of bipolar. My therapist wondered if AH had borderline personality disorder (she only met with him once). I just hate this whole trying to diagnose him bs and I try not to. There are physical issues going on, some he's had for quite some time, some that are new, & some that pop up & pop down. I'm not any sort of doctor but even though I wonder about this and that, it all comes down to the alcoholism. I believe that's core of everything.

These are all things that run through my mind; things that I'm coming to terms with in my own time.

Hawkeye13

The mistake I made was enabling my alcoholic mother to drink herself into such cognitive and physical decline that I felt I could no longer leave the situation in good conscience.

In hindsight, I wish I had stepped out of the situation far earlier—while she still had the capacity to choose recovery on her own. She most likely would not have, but she would at least have had a better chance than she did with my making things easy for her drinking by managing household, hospitalizations (which increase exponentially for most alcoholics as disease progresses), and most of all giving her the false facade of normalcy.

In the the end I and my spouse also became alcohol abusers—in no small part we drank for relief from her constant demands on our time and life energy though the choice to drink or not was always ours.

You can’t deflect forever. It drains your tank and then you turn around and you are getting old as an unappreciated peripheral crisis manager. It is all about the drinker, and your needs, hopes, and dreams are never the focus in the family.

I have seen dozens of versions of the above on this list since I joined SR. Some worse, some milder, but it is a pattern that exempts almost none of us. Our love can’t save them, but we can save ourselves.

HopeUnending

I can relate to nearly all of this. Thanksgiving went great at our house. AH said he was tired of being drunk or detoxing every holiday. This year he planned to "not miss anything" through the holiday season. So we made lots of activity plans to make great memories and redeem lost time-not that I was convinced but one can hope. Just 2 days into December the bottle won. He's currently been passed out all day so far, detoxing possibly, maybe he'll not pick up the bottle whenever he wakes up. Either way weekend 1 will be a no go.

velma929

Decades ago, National Geographic did a piece on fetal alcohol syndrome. People were interviewed about attitudes toward drinking and getting drunk, and it was mentioned that in Europe, children were sometimes given watered-down wine at celebrations, but the rate of alcoholism in some European countries was lower than in the US. (We can all acknowledge that divining that percentage is going to be problematic) One Italian man offered this: Italians drink to celebrate. Americans celebrate as an excuse to drink.

But to an alcoholic stress and unhappiness are valid excuses, too

flower959

Do any of you have any resources you can share that would help me in planning/preparing to walk away from this? Anything, especially, from real life experience?

I have an attorney lined up, and plan on working on the retainer paperwork to get the process started. I need to get some docs out of house and/or make copies and have a family member keep them for me. I need to get an overnight bag ready for a rush exit if needed. I will look for an apartment when time gets closer and will set up a separate bank account.

I'm just heartbroken and feeling overwhelmed in where to start. Whatever I do from this point, it needs to be behind his back unfortunately.

SmallButMighty

I'm sorry Flower, I remember when I got to the point of thinking, " OMG.. I am actually thinking I might actually leave... WTAF!?"... it was devastating to me.

I wasn't in a good place, I wasn't "organized". I was suffering with anxiety and spinning pretty badly. I wish I'd made some lists and checked them twice so to speak. Having a plan is important, for some people in precarious or dangerous situations having a plan B,C & D can be life saving.

One thing I did was to get my own bank account set up. You likely already have that...but I'll explain my story for anyone else who needs to read it. We had had a 100% combined finances and shared accounts since we were teenagers. I'd never had my own account, it was weird, and felt like a betrayal when I went into the bank and started my own account. I was working again after many years of being a SAHM and had a couple other very small income streams coming in, I had those direct deposits changed to my account. Without my asking for it, the lady at the bank that day offered me a $15K unsecured line of credit, which I was leery to accept, but she told me if I didn't use it it wouldn't cost me a dime, so I agreed to take that as an emergency back up plan... I still have that LOC and have never touched it, but I'll never again be "stuck" with out a means to get out of any situation because I have the security of knowing that's there available to me.

Having all important documents, somewhere else is important ... Passport, birth certificate, marriage certificate, copies of wills, copies of deeds to properties, I have important documents regarding some other family members, medical power of attorney etc. it's important to have all that kind of stuff. I know most people keep phone numbers and addresses in their phones these days, but I wish I had, had the forethought to grab my address book, or a copy of it before I left.

Having a to go bag, or a bag of important things hidden in your vehicle ready to go, with toiletries, medications, key to safety deposit box, small bills/change for tolls and any other essentials can give a person peace of mind.

When I did leave, I accidently left a lot of things that were important to me. Many things were overlooked even though I'd looked around. Many things were packed away. Precious things. Things that belonged to my grandmothers, special things from my mum, special things my kids had made or given me etc. Special Christmas decorations is one of the most painful things I "lost".. some were my Grandma's , some were one's from my parents first Xmas together, my kids first decorations.... Books, I had some that were extremely important to me. I always thought my ex would give me back anything that was important to me like that... I was wrong. He basically just ignored me when I asked for them. So I suggest, if you are going to be the one to leave the shared property, that you start making a list of anything you are going to want to keep. Think about things stored away in the attic or basement or storage unit. Think about family heirlooms. Think about the things you may have that you've forgotten how precious they are because you see them everyday, like the clock that belonged to your grandpa or the candy dish that was a gift from your favorite crazy aunt. At the time I had decided to leave the stuff didn't matter, I had to go and I was getting out...but when the dust settled, I'd left behind some things I wish I still had. I have a small amount of hope that one day I may see some of those things again, maybe through my daughter, but I don't hold my breath.

I definitely suggest making lists. If hand written lists are too "dangerous" to have, then on a computer or other device that is password protected.

Even if you chose not to go, having a thorough plan can alleviate a lot of stress and anxiety.

flower959

Thank you. This is the exact sort of thing I need to hear. I can google lists all day long, but the actual experiences from people that have been or are in the same situation is more helpful.

I don't think that I handled this weekend well and he did some disturbing things that I can't, just can't, overlook. I need to set my heart aside and think with my brain. I need strength and continued strength.

trailmix

Hi flower, yes it is stressful and having that to-do list somewhere will give you a lot of peace of mind. You will have a plan.

One other thing I would mention, when you get your bank account, is applying for your own credit card as well if you don't have one that is in your name only. Just be sure to have the bank account and credit card listed to a different address, family, friend? Because they will surely send you mail for the new accounts. Also when you speak to the lawyer etc, when leaving an address.

Maybe even consider a P.O. box temporarily?