I can't stop blaming myself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 16
I can't stop blaming myself
Hey everyone,
I posted once before and I'm back. Thank you so much for everyone who had replied to my previous post in late August -- your words landed and I've been wrestling with them ever since. The long and short of it is that I've been married for 25 years and my husband has been steadily drinking for the past 5. Probably before that, but we have six children together and I've only drank with him in the past couple years because I've either been pregnant or nursing a baby before then. Anyway, he has at least one beer daily even if he gets home from work at 8:30 pm (he has a very demanding and stressful high-profile job). He has more on the weekends. The thing is that we both do on occasion, although I haven't drank with him in a little while because I just can't. He knows that I was using it to numb feelings of anxiety -- I was very up front about that when I decided that my drinking was a coping mechanism. My father was an alcoholic (is a drug addict in recovery now, too) and so I know the signs and don't want to go down the road of becoming addicted myself.
But the thing is that my husband blames me. I don't want to get into every small detail because it'd take forever, but my question is this: can someone be an alcoholic if they drink just one beer a day? Or maybe two a day? A little more on weekends? Like, is that enough? I've only seem him "happy drunk" (when he was to splurge and buy a ton of stuff online while we're hanging out around our fire pit and he's happy and laughing and talking a ton and telling stories) but other times he flies into these horrible rages and accuses me of all kinds of stuff and then doesn't remember the specific, cruel things that he says...he only remembers his "point" and his feelings. Like, he doesn't remember telling me "I left to teach you a lesson in respect" after he left the house after an argument and came back and went and sat in the bathtub and ate a dinner he brought home for himself and ignored me. Stuff like that.
He blames me for hurting him a couple years ago during a summer in which I was estranged from my father and dealing with finding out that he was using drugs again. It was so hard -- I felt like my identity had been wrapped up in being the child of a recovered addict and then it was ripped from under me and I started to question everything about myself. I have since done so much work on my codependency and a ton of other things (I am on Zoloft for anxiety and was seeing a therapist, I am spiritual and a Christian, meditation, journaling, Shadow workshops, etc) but I can't quit this codependency toward my husband. It's hard when I have no real income of my own and so many kids to provide for. I'm just scared. I'm scared of ruining our lives because I think he's an alcoholic and he really isn't...I'm scared that it's me.
He says that a couple years ago, during that summer in which I struggled with my father, he was so supportive but I treated him like crap. He said that I talked about affairs all the time (I wrote a book in which an affair appears as a VERY brief part...and he never read the book so he says it's not about the book but rather the way I talked to HIM about the book and that I talked to him in a way as if I wanted to "stick it to him" that he was working too much and I didn't like it...I would NEVER act like that!! I've always been supportive of his work and told him that I love him and support his career! Always!).
But he wants me to "own" that I hurt him. I have apologized until I'm blue in the face, crying as he tells me that I'm still wrong and not "doing it right". Shaking and panicking as he gets madder and madder, writes out on a whiteboard in his home office what he wants me to "say", is angry because I confronted him about maybe being an alcoholic and he said I did it out of spite to hurt him and I'm the alcoholic and I'm projecting onto him. He tells me I'm cold when I'm crying so hard that I can't respond and he tells me that I'm a narcissist. I'm wondering if I really am. He texted me a bunch of articles during a fight the other day in which I needed a break to get my wits about me - all articles about why people can't apologize to other people so that I learn now to apologize. He is obsessed with me "not letting him have feelings" and I finally broke down and just named a ton of stuff that have happened over the years (I'm sorry I was a clingy girlfriend 25 years ago, I'm sorry I don't let you have friends, I'm sorry I told a joke in poor taste, I'm sorry I take you for granted, I'm sorry I spend so much money, I'm sorry I shut down and don't let you get the closure you need, etc). I didn't mean it all but I didn't know what else to do to diffuse the situation. I've read about JADE and that makes everything SO BAD.
He went out immediately after that fight and came back with nice Thanksgiving things for the home and was like perfectly fine. But he's not sleeping and he blames the dogs making noises and him being hot at night and me looking at my phone and making the room too bright as I press play on a meditation podcast in the night (which takes a sec...so one second of brightness). He's barely speaking to me or coming near me. I hate living like this. I really feel like it's all me. I want so badly to know that he's an alcoholic but he doesn't say "I drink because of x y z..." Well, he did once: he said he drinks because he's bored and I've made it so that he doesn't have friends (not true: I encourage him to go out all the time and he's gone on solo overnight trips in the past year because I've encouraged him to take time for himself because he works so much).
I am so lost. Thanks for any direction you can give me. I hate feeling desperate. This whole thing makes me feel pathetic.
I posted once before and I'm back. Thank you so much for everyone who had replied to my previous post in late August -- your words landed and I've been wrestling with them ever since. The long and short of it is that I've been married for 25 years and my husband has been steadily drinking for the past 5. Probably before that, but we have six children together and I've only drank with him in the past couple years because I've either been pregnant or nursing a baby before then. Anyway, he has at least one beer daily even if he gets home from work at 8:30 pm (he has a very demanding and stressful high-profile job). He has more on the weekends. The thing is that we both do on occasion, although I haven't drank with him in a little while because I just can't. He knows that I was using it to numb feelings of anxiety -- I was very up front about that when I decided that my drinking was a coping mechanism. My father was an alcoholic (is a drug addict in recovery now, too) and so I know the signs and don't want to go down the road of becoming addicted myself.
But the thing is that my husband blames me. I don't want to get into every small detail because it'd take forever, but my question is this: can someone be an alcoholic if they drink just one beer a day? Or maybe two a day? A little more on weekends? Like, is that enough? I've only seem him "happy drunk" (when he was to splurge and buy a ton of stuff online while we're hanging out around our fire pit and he's happy and laughing and talking a ton and telling stories) but other times he flies into these horrible rages and accuses me of all kinds of stuff and then doesn't remember the specific, cruel things that he says...he only remembers his "point" and his feelings. Like, he doesn't remember telling me "I left to teach you a lesson in respect" after he left the house after an argument and came back and went and sat in the bathtub and ate a dinner he brought home for himself and ignored me. Stuff like that.
He blames me for hurting him a couple years ago during a summer in which I was estranged from my father and dealing with finding out that he was using drugs again. It was so hard -- I felt like my identity had been wrapped up in being the child of a recovered addict and then it was ripped from under me and I started to question everything about myself. I have since done so much work on my codependency and a ton of other things (I am on Zoloft for anxiety and was seeing a therapist, I am spiritual and a Christian, meditation, journaling, Shadow workshops, etc) but I can't quit this codependency toward my husband. It's hard when I have no real income of my own and so many kids to provide for. I'm just scared. I'm scared of ruining our lives because I think he's an alcoholic and he really isn't...I'm scared that it's me.
He says that a couple years ago, during that summer in which I struggled with my father, he was so supportive but I treated him like crap. He said that I talked about affairs all the time (I wrote a book in which an affair appears as a VERY brief part...and he never read the book so he says it's not about the book but rather the way I talked to HIM about the book and that I talked to him in a way as if I wanted to "stick it to him" that he was working too much and I didn't like it...I would NEVER act like that!! I've always been supportive of his work and told him that I love him and support his career! Always!).
But he wants me to "own" that I hurt him. I have apologized until I'm blue in the face, crying as he tells me that I'm still wrong and not "doing it right". Shaking and panicking as he gets madder and madder, writes out on a whiteboard in his home office what he wants me to "say", is angry because I confronted him about maybe being an alcoholic and he said I did it out of spite to hurt him and I'm the alcoholic and I'm projecting onto him. He tells me I'm cold when I'm crying so hard that I can't respond and he tells me that I'm a narcissist. I'm wondering if I really am. He texted me a bunch of articles during a fight the other day in which I needed a break to get my wits about me - all articles about why people can't apologize to other people so that I learn now to apologize. He is obsessed with me "not letting him have feelings" and I finally broke down and just named a ton of stuff that have happened over the years (I'm sorry I was a clingy girlfriend 25 years ago, I'm sorry I don't let you have friends, I'm sorry I told a joke in poor taste, I'm sorry I take you for granted, I'm sorry I spend so much money, I'm sorry I shut down and don't let you get the closure you need, etc). I didn't mean it all but I didn't know what else to do to diffuse the situation. I've read about JADE and that makes everything SO BAD.
He went out immediately after that fight and came back with nice Thanksgiving things for the home and was like perfectly fine. But he's not sleeping and he blames the dogs making noises and him being hot at night and me looking at my phone and making the room too bright as I press play on a meditation podcast in the night (which takes a sec...so one second of brightness). He's barely speaking to me or coming near me. I hate living like this. I really feel like it's all me. I want so badly to know that he's an alcoholic but he doesn't say "I drink because of x y z..." Well, he did once: he said he drinks because he's bored and I've made it so that he doesn't have friends (not true: I encourage him to go out all the time and he's gone on solo overnight trips in the past year because I've encouraged him to take time for himself because he works so much).
I am so lost. Thanks for any direction you can give me. I hate feeling desperate. This whole thing makes me feel pathetic.
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Join Date: Nov 2020
Location: Kinston, N.C.
Posts: 66
I do not have the experience or knowledge to answer any of your questions, or offer advice of any kind, but that is a heartbreaking situation you are in to say the least ellalock!
I pray you find peace!
I pray you find peace!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Ella, it sounds like your husband has set an impossible bar for you to live up to--and frankly that even if you did somehow miraculously find a way to reach it, he would just move it higher again.
You must forgive yourself for not being able to solve all of his problems. They are, simply, not your responsibility. They are his. Until he accepts this, he will continue to blame you, the dogs, the world, whatever. Please do not continue to take the bait (and the blame). His obsession with you being the worst person in the world is damaging you to the point that you almost seem to believe it. It's not right, it's not fair, and most importantly, you are NOT the worst person in the world. You are good, you are deserving of love and respect, and you have the right to feel whatever you are feeling.
As for whether he is in an alcoholic or not, I have a couple of thoughts. One is that it isn't so much about the amount one drinks but about the depth of negative consequences one experiences when drinking. For example, one of his negative consequences is treating you like garbage when he drinks. That deteriorates the primary relationship in his life. Another negative consequence is not having any friends.
My other thought about it is that it doesn't matter at all. He has severe dysfunction dealing with his emotions and he takes it out on you. I don't care whether or not he is technically an addict at that point. What I care about is that he is hurtful and shows no sign of taking responsibility for his own feelings. I am saying that even if you did things or said things to him in the past that were hurtful, his feelings of hurt are his to deal with. You cannot fix them for him. You cannot get in a time machine and make it so you never did or said those things. This does not make you the villain, ella -- it makes you a human being in a relationship with someone who is often hurtful to you. Like the rest of us imperfect beings, you have probably taken a misstep here and there. Just as it is your responsibility to deal with the feelings of hurt you experience because of things he does and says, it his responsibility for tending to his own wounds, real or perceived.
You have the right to get healthy. You have the right to your own peace of mind. You can find support for yourself. But you must stop looking to him to change before you can have the life you want. You must be willing to change instead.
You must forgive yourself for not being able to solve all of his problems. They are, simply, not your responsibility. They are his. Until he accepts this, he will continue to blame you, the dogs, the world, whatever. Please do not continue to take the bait (and the blame). His obsession with you being the worst person in the world is damaging you to the point that you almost seem to believe it. It's not right, it's not fair, and most importantly, you are NOT the worst person in the world. You are good, you are deserving of love and respect, and you have the right to feel whatever you are feeling.
As for whether he is in an alcoholic or not, I have a couple of thoughts. One is that it isn't so much about the amount one drinks but about the depth of negative consequences one experiences when drinking. For example, one of his negative consequences is treating you like garbage when he drinks. That deteriorates the primary relationship in his life. Another negative consequence is not having any friends.
My other thought about it is that it doesn't matter at all. He has severe dysfunction dealing with his emotions and he takes it out on you. I don't care whether or not he is technically an addict at that point. What I care about is that he is hurtful and shows no sign of taking responsibility for his own feelings. I am saying that even if you did things or said things to him in the past that were hurtful, his feelings of hurt are his to deal with. You cannot fix them for him. You cannot get in a time machine and make it so you never did or said those things. This does not make you the villain, ella -- it makes you a human being in a relationship with someone who is often hurtful to you. Like the rest of us imperfect beings, you have probably taken a misstep here and there. Just as it is your responsibility to deal with the feelings of hurt you experience because of things he does and says, it his responsibility for tending to his own wounds, real or perceived.
You have the right to get healthy. You have the right to your own peace of mind. You can find support for yourself. But you must stop looking to him to change before you can have the life you want. You must be willing to change instead.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
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Ella, I am sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed and distressed. I can see why! Six children, seven, if you count the man-baby who doesn't take responsibility for his own feelings and behaviors...that's a heavy load.
I had some ideas about what I wanted to say to you here, but before I did that I wanted to refresh my mind on your situation. I went and read your first post and the responses to it. I've already said the things there that I was going to say here so I will spare you the redundancy. You got some good advice on that thread, I hope you reread it often. I am also glad that you came back to chat with us some more.
Whether your husband is an alcoholic or not is not the real problem. His behavior is. It's really unacceptable that he deflects his own feelings of failure on to you. My AXH used to do that to me to when he was feeling inadequate or guilty for whatever dumb thing he had said or done. Just because your husband lays blame for his bad behavior at your feet does not mean you have to pick it up. I suggest you leave that crap laying right there in the pile it is. You've said you feel "lost", "desperate" and "pathetic".... that's a terrible way to feel, I know I've been there. I'd wager my last dollar, that's just exactly how your husband wants you to feel, that keeps him in control. He manipulates you into feeling that way by the things he says to you. I know it is much easier said than done, especially at first, but what if you just stopped reacting to your husband when he says things that you KNOW aren't your fault? You don't have to answer this out loud, but, what would be the worst thing that could happen? He can SAY whatever he wants, you do NOT have to believe it or "own" it if it isn't yours to own.
No one should apologize for something they didn't do. No one should have to apologize over and over for something they did do but already apologized for. What would be the purpose of that?.... I'll tell you... to cast shame and keep someone feeling low... and that's despicable. That is not a loving act.
I hope you continue to hang out here with us. This is a safe place to unburden yourself with people who truly understand what you are going through. *hugs*
I had some ideas about what I wanted to say to you here, but before I did that I wanted to refresh my mind on your situation. I went and read your first post and the responses to it. I've already said the things there that I was going to say here so I will spare you the redundancy. You got some good advice on that thread, I hope you reread it often. I am also glad that you came back to chat with us some more.
Whether your husband is an alcoholic or not is not the real problem. His behavior is. It's really unacceptable that he deflects his own feelings of failure on to you. My AXH used to do that to me to when he was feeling inadequate or guilty for whatever dumb thing he had said or done. Just because your husband lays blame for his bad behavior at your feet does not mean you have to pick it up. I suggest you leave that crap laying right there in the pile it is. You've said you feel "lost", "desperate" and "pathetic".... that's a terrible way to feel, I know I've been there. I'd wager my last dollar, that's just exactly how your husband wants you to feel, that keeps him in control. He manipulates you into feeling that way by the things he says to you. I know it is much easier said than done, especially at first, but what if you just stopped reacting to your husband when he says things that you KNOW aren't your fault? You don't have to answer this out loud, but, what would be the worst thing that could happen? He can SAY whatever he wants, you do NOT have to believe it or "own" it if it isn't yours to own.
No one should apologize for something they didn't do. No one should have to apologize over and over for something they did do but already apologized for. What would be the purpose of that?.... I'll tell you... to cast shame and keep someone feeling low... and that's despicable. That is not a loving act.
I hope you continue to hang out here with us. This is a safe place to unburden yourself with people who truly understand what you are going through. *hugs*
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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ella,,,,,,I, also, went back and read your previous thread....and, like smallbutmighty said, I would repeat the same things that I said to you. before. I hope you will go back and read those words and take them into serious consideration.
Based on what you have shared----you are being verbally and emotionally abused---no matter what label you do or don't apply to him. The fact that you are being abused and living in fear is the important thing. What he is doing is cruel and wrong---he has no right to do the things that he is doing to you.
This is not your fault----you are not to blame for him abusing you.
You are not crazy---or bad---so stop believing him when he says otherwise. What he is doing is wearing down your self esteem and your self confidence. This is one method that the abuser uses to keep control over the victim. Smallbutmighty is right----it does him good to see you afraid and cowering to appease him.
ella---I believe that you are at the place that you must seek the help of others who can and will help you. You cannot "solve" this on your own---and, you cannot change enough to ever please him. This boat has drifted too far from the dock.
Yes, to me it sounds like he has a problem with alcohol----call it whatever name you want---you can call it "alcohol use disorder".....or, "a drinking problem".....or "alcoholic"....or "a drunk"....or "a self-medicator'........It still doesn't change the reality of what you are living under.
By the way---the "hotness" at night and sleeping problems point to alcohol...as these are very common phsical symptoms. As is his lack of memory for the things he has said and done. I will, also, bet the childrens' milk money that what you see him drinking is not all that he is drinking. You would be surprised at how clever they can be at hiding it.
Based on what you have shared----you are being verbally and emotionally abused---no matter what label you do or don't apply to him. The fact that you are being abused and living in fear is the important thing. What he is doing is cruel and wrong---he has no right to do the things that he is doing to you.
This is not your fault----you are not to blame for him abusing you.
You are not crazy---or bad---so stop believing him when he says otherwise. What he is doing is wearing down your self esteem and your self confidence. This is one method that the abuser uses to keep control over the victim. Smallbutmighty is right----it does him good to see you afraid and cowering to appease him.
ella---I believe that you are at the place that you must seek the help of others who can and will help you. You cannot "solve" this on your own---and, you cannot change enough to ever please him. This boat has drifted too far from the dock.
Yes, to me it sounds like he has a problem with alcohol----call it whatever name you want---you can call it "alcohol use disorder".....or, "a drinking problem".....or "alcoholic"....or "a drunk"....or "a self-medicator'........It still doesn't change the reality of what you are living under.
By the way---the "hotness" at night and sleeping problems point to alcohol...as these are very common phsical symptoms. As is his lack of memory for the things he has said and done. I will, also, bet the childrens' milk money that what you see him drinking is not all that he is drinking. You would be surprised at how clever they can be at hiding it.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 194
Ella, you have received great feedback, and I can't really add anything other than that as I read your post it screamed abuse to me, scary abuse. Sometimes when we are so close to a situation it is difficult to objectively see how dysfunctional it is. I also would agree that his behavior does not sound like it's coming from 1 beer a night, my guess is he is hiding, doing something else, or has serious mental illness. Please take care of yourself, is there a counselor you can see? I feel like a counselor could help you take your power back and built up some of that self-esteem that has been lost. Hugs to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 16
Oh my word, thank you SO MUCH. These words hit so hard. I feel horrible all the time because of the past. I cannot just let the past go, and I've never done anything others would even consider "bad"! I just consider it bad, because I'm unable to do things as simple as drive my car with my husband as a passenger without him commenting negatively on my driving (always a joke, of course). Our whole relationship has been him making either sarcastic comments or him informing me on the right ways to do things. I don't even know why I didn't see it for so long...because up until a few years ago, I just thought that it was everyone else. He was sarcastic; he wasn't abusive. But now I am the target: I am the problem. He was SO angry when I told him that I thought he was an alcoholic during one of our fights. And when I say fights, I mean that I'm crying and shaking (I wish more than anything that I could control that response) and he's harshly talking to me like a dad or something.
You're right, it's not my responsibility to control or ease or remediate his feelings. It makes me feel sick to think that he may always see me as a horrible person who caused him pain. But I'd rather him leave me then...let me go. I'm terrified of losing my home and my life. But I'm even more terrified of the icy cold feeling in my gut every time he's about to start in on me. More than anything it's that feeling that haunts me. More than his words or his looks or his tone of voice, more than the fear of him doing it again and the things that he'll say. It's that feeling in my gut of ice-water just freezing me up and humiliating me and paralyzing me all at once.
You're right, it's not my responsibility to control or ease or remediate his feelings. It makes me feel sick to think that he may always see me as a horrible person who caused him pain. But I'd rather him leave me then...let me go. I'm terrified of losing my home and my life. But I'm even more terrified of the icy cold feeling in my gut every time he's about to start in on me. More than anything it's that feeling that haunts me. More than his words or his looks or his tone of voice, more than the fear of him doing it again and the things that he'll say. It's that feeling in my gut of ice-water just freezing me up and humiliating me and paralyzing me all at once.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 16
You're absolutely right. I just worry so much because I've tried to get him to go before and he will not, and I cannot imagine saying that I'll take the kids and go live in my parents' little house right before the holidays. It feels like a no-win...but I do know that the win is not living in this hell anymore. He's told me before that I can go but the kids stay. This is such a mess. I know it's not my fault. It just is so insane!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
ella......I second the idea of speaking to a lawyer as a part of the information gathering, for yourself. The more you know your rights, the more secure you will feel.
This is why I suggested that you speak, confidentially, to the dv center workers......Because they have resources that you might not know of----they can refer you to legal services and lawyers who are familiar with situation such as yours. They can also recommend the right kind of counselor/therapist for you...someone who is experienced in helping those in your situation. They also have many other kinds of help and services, also.....including housing, if it should be necessary.
Do you know how to go back to read your previous threads.
There is help for you...you just need to be willing to reach out for it......
Your husband doesn't need to know about any of this.
This is why I suggested that you speak, confidentially, to the dv center workers......Because they have resources that you might not know of----they can refer you to legal services and lawyers who are familiar with situation such as yours. They can also recommend the right kind of counselor/therapist for you...someone who is experienced in helping those in your situation. They also have many other kinds of help and services, also.....including housing, if it should be necessary.
Do you know how to go back to read your previous threads.
There is help for you...you just need to be willing to reach out for it......
Your husband doesn't need to know about any of this.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
ella-----I am giving you the following link to a website that might be helpful for you, right now. It is educational, in nature---and,is not intended to replace your own lawyer. It is listed by State.
It can help you to organize your thoughts and questions for when you do speak to a lawyer.
www.womansdivorce.com
I do suggest that when you speak to a lawyer, make sure that it is one who is familiar and experienced with dealing with clients who are in abusive situations. That helps a lot!
It can help you to organize your thoughts and questions for when you do speak to a lawyer.
www.womansdivorce.com
I do suggest that when you speak to a lawyer, make sure that it is one who is familiar and experienced with dealing with clients who are in abusive situations. That helps a lot!
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by ellalock 
I'm even more terrified of the icy cold feeling in my gut every time he's about to start in on me. More than anything it's that feeling that haunts me. More than his words or his looks or his tone of voice, more than the fear of him doing it again and the things that he'll say. It's that feeling in my gut of ice-water just freezing me up and humiliating me and paralyzing me all at once.
You can read the book review comments to get a feel for how this book helps. What you're describing is what this book is all about.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by ellalock
And when I say fights, I mean that I'm crying and shaking (I wish more than anything that I could control that response) and he's harshly talking to me like a dad or something.
Coming from him, it is no different you know. You're not crazy or a horrible person or mean or a narcissist, you are someone who is being abused.
You know I was married for quite some time to my first Husband. Initially he yelled at me and would hit me. To be honest I didn't think too much of it. Eventually as I got older I told him to stop hitting me and he did. We argued and yelled and argued some more every few days for years, about not much of anything. He would get enraged. The argument usually ended when I stopped because honestly I got scared.
Well you know, once I divorced him, I found I wasn't really all that argumentative and I actually don't yell! I was young when I married him.
My point is, I hope you can stop, or at least try to stop thinking of yourself in a negative way, blaming yourself. Whatever happened, happened, it's done. You don't need to defend your actions, he can't take you to task for anything, you are not a child.
You are crying and shaking as that is a natural reaction to being yelled at in an abusive manner. Distancing yourself can help, it isn't you specifically anyone close to him could be the target but you are right there. Nothing you can say or do will help him (or you). You can't fix him.
So yes, small steps forward, like speaking to a lawyer will go a long, long way in making you feel like you are on firmer ground. There are people who care about you (us!) there are people out there who will understand and help you, like DV for instance. You're not alone.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
I highly recommend the book "Why Does He Do That?"
You can read the book review comments to get a feel for how this book helps. What you're describing is what this book is all about.
You can read the book review comments to get a feel for how this book helps. What you're describing is what this book is all about.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 223
And I just want to point out you called this thread that you can’t stop blaming yourself,but what it sounds like is happening is that HE can’t stop blaming YOU for absolutely everything, including some really old and fabricated-sounding slights. If you can’t stop from blaming yourself it’s because he is actively and intentionally making you feel that way, just based on what you have shared.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 16
He is totally placing the blame on me. Ugh, you guys. Thank you, thank you. I want to reply individually but the kids have me so super busy that I keep trying to pop on. Just know that I read and re-read all of your responses. And then re-read and re-read them again, haha. You're giving me like a glimmer of "myself" if that makes sense...totally the words that I would say to my friends or my daughters or my sister (which I have said to my sister because she is married to an addict in recovery and is one herself).
It just feels like we're in this cycle: it's fine for awhile, he blows up, he finally calms down when I do something to "diffuse" it (which can be as simple as me being a verbal punching bag for him for a couple evenings' worth of his episodes) and then he's hesitant/quiet/cold/ignoring around me, and then it'll just stop and he'll act fine. And then it'll start all over again in a couple weeks.
It just feels like we're in this cycle: it's fine for awhile, he blows up, he finally calms down when I do something to "diffuse" it (which can be as simple as me being a verbal punching bag for him for a couple evenings' worth of his episodes) and then he's hesitant/quiet/cold/ignoring around me, and then it'll just stop and he'll act fine. And then it'll start all over again in a couple weeks.
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