In a dark place...seeking support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 4
In a dark place...seeking support
Hi All,
I am new to this forum. The reason why I came to this forum is to find support and possibly a useful information on how to deal with what I am going through right now. Sorry for the lengthy post below.
I am F(32) married to AH (39) for almost 8 years, no kids. We've been having a relatively good marriage with more ups than downs overall, although there was always an issue with him & an alcohol. Probably because of his previous job and our lifestyle (a lot of traveling and moving around) it was more subtle and tolerable.
Four years ago he got a job change and a permanent position in a city of M., hence we moved and settled down. That's when the things started to spiral out of control.. He quickly became unhappy with his job and with his new life. Having a routine and a groundhog day of work/home/work/home type of life didn't help and he started to medicate himself with an alcohol on a daily basis.
He also has a chalet in his hometown A. which is a 6 hour drive from the city of M. About the same time he started to have an obsessive idea that he wanted to move there to live. I didn't share his enthusiasm about his hometown for many reasons, which I told him about many times. So up until this spring these two things - drinking and the idea of moving to the town A - were the two main subjects of all our fights and arguments, which became very frequent.
Like for many of us, things went south this spring with the beginning of Covid pandemic. He lost his job. And with losing his job he decided that he didn't want to live in the city of M. anymore and hence he was moving to his hometown. His position was: he was moving with or without me, and I had to decide. I couldn't go with him because a) i was still working at the office, and couldn't just quit my job b) there was literally no internet at his chalet, so I couldn't work remotely c) I didn't want to go, especially in a form of an ultimatum. So he left without me.
He's been drinking very bad after moving to his hometown. But he managed to find a new job, he adopted a dog, then another dog and he was really settling down. I didn't know what to do. I had an emotional rollercoaster of emotions and hesitation on whether I should file for a divorce or try to go live there with him because I still had feelings for this man.
He had depression and anxiety because of all the changes in his life, and fueled by alcohol it became a nightmare. Although I was not living with him, I was still involved and could feel the magnitude of it even at the distance. Then at the end of summer an accident happened and one of his dogs got hit by a car. He had a major breakdown because of that. It was ugly and scary, but eventually with a help of his parents and family, he went to get help and was put on antidepressants. What's strange is that the family doctor didn't take any further actions of sending him to psychiatrist or getting some sort of a treatment plan for the alcohol addiction, despite the fact that he came completely wasted at his first appointment (as per his own and his brother's words).
Anyways, the fact that he was placed on the meds gave some sort of hope and relief. Things got quiet and he seemed to be back to his "normal" self. He told me he stopped drinking, but it was not true, which I found out only later. A month after his breakdown I made a decision which I deeply regret now - I agreed to try to reconcile and move to his hometown. We agreed that if that didn't work, we would sign divorce papers and move on with our lives. I also told him that his drinking was a major dealbreaker for me and if he'd abuse alcohol, I was out. He agreed.
The first week was OK, he was really trying to make me like the place and make me comfortable. He was drinking non-alcoholic beer. Then at the second week he relaxed and he drank over the weekend, not too bad at first, but enough to question my decision to come there. Once he sobered up we had a conversation, he apologized and promised he won't do this again. Then the cycle repeated itself the next week. So we had another conversation and again I cave in and gave him another chance. Then on the third weekend he got really drunk and that was at the same time he bought himself a motorcycle (a trail type one) and he was just gone somewhere on the trail, drunk, on his motorcycle. I had no idea where he was and what to do. That night when he came back I threatened to call the police on him for driving drunk. This sort of worked, because he came home and went to sleep.
Then again he sobered up and we had another conversation, and again he promised me things would change, asked me to stay and I stayed... (yes I know I am a doormat
).
Fast forward, I am here for 6 weeks, and he was sober on the 2 weekends, plus the workdays out of those 6 weeks. Last weekend he tried to stop drinking completely, This is not his first attempt to stop cold-turkey in the past four year. He did last year and he wasn't drinking for almost a year. But this time it didn't work. On Tuesday, before his 2 days off (he works shifts) he asked me if he could buy some craft beer just for dinner. I disagreed, but he still went for it and apparently bought two big packs extra and hid them in the garage. Then he got drunk again on his 2 days off. I found him sleeping on the garage floor, and took all his keys (from the car, the moto and all other machinery). When he woke up, he got very angry about it, demanded his keys back, was shouting at me, saying that I stole them and to be honest I got scared for the first time in our entire relationship. I didn't know if I should give it back and risk him driving somewhere drunk, or keep resisting and jeopardize my own safety. He never raised his hand on me or did anything that would make me question my safety before. But this time I thought he might... He also told me a lot of mean things, like it's all my fault, and I am provoking him and triggering his drinking, and he's trying to make me happy and be patient and it doesn't work and it makes him wanting to drink. He said that the problem is in my head, and that he doesn't have a problem, and that he can drink as much as he wants, because he doesn't do anything bad. He also said, that even if he crashed himself into the tree on the motorcycle, it wouldn't matter because I wouldn't care anyways.
Since that episode he went into a sort of a binge, and he drank today in the morning before going on his night shift.
At this point I really just want to leave and never come back, but I am scared to leave.
Despite all the mean things he said and did to me, when he's sober - he's a good man and a person I still care a lot about, a person I still love... I feel guilty for leaving, because I feel like I am leaving him at his worst period in life. And I am also very scared that he might just go into a spiral because of me leaving and do something reckless (like driving drunk) and get hurt/killed.
I am emotionally and physically exhausted and burned out to the point, where I don't know how to get myself through the day - like there's no hope, and it will never get better and I will never get out of this nightmare.
I know that I can't live like this anymore, but at the same time I don't know how to overcome the guilt and fear of leaving.
Any advice truly appreciated and thank you for reading till the end.
I am new to this forum. The reason why I came to this forum is to find support and possibly a useful information on how to deal with what I am going through right now. Sorry for the lengthy post below.
I am F(32) married to AH (39) for almost 8 years, no kids. We've been having a relatively good marriage with more ups than downs overall, although there was always an issue with him & an alcohol. Probably because of his previous job and our lifestyle (a lot of traveling and moving around) it was more subtle and tolerable.
Four years ago he got a job change and a permanent position in a city of M., hence we moved and settled down. That's when the things started to spiral out of control.. He quickly became unhappy with his job and with his new life. Having a routine and a groundhog day of work/home/work/home type of life didn't help and he started to medicate himself with an alcohol on a daily basis.
He also has a chalet in his hometown A. which is a 6 hour drive from the city of M. About the same time he started to have an obsessive idea that he wanted to move there to live. I didn't share his enthusiasm about his hometown for many reasons, which I told him about many times. So up until this spring these two things - drinking and the idea of moving to the town A - were the two main subjects of all our fights and arguments, which became very frequent.
Like for many of us, things went south this spring with the beginning of Covid pandemic. He lost his job. And with losing his job he decided that he didn't want to live in the city of M. anymore and hence he was moving to his hometown. His position was: he was moving with or without me, and I had to decide. I couldn't go with him because a) i was still working at the office, and couldn't just quit my job b) there was literally no internet at his chalet, so I couldn't work remotely c) I didn't want to go, especially in a form of an ultimatum. So he left without me.
He's been drinking very bad after moving to his hometown. But he managed to find a new job, he adopted a dog, then another dog and he was really settling down. I didn't know what to do. I had an emotional rollercoaster of emotions and hesitation on whether I should file for a divorce or try to go live there with him because I still had feelings for this man.
He had depression and anxiety because of all the changes in his life, and fueled by alcohol it became a nightmare. Although I was not living with him, I was still involved and could feel the magnitude of it even at the distance. Then at the end of summer an accident happened and one of his dogs got hit by a car. He had a major breakdown because of that. It was ugly and scary, but eventually with a help of his parents and family, he went to get help and was put on antidepressants. What's strange is that the family doctor didn't take any further actions of sending him to psychiatrist or getting some sort of a treatment plan for the alcohol addiction, despite the fact that he came completely wasted at his first appointment (as per his own and his brother's words).
Anyways, the fact that he was placed on the meds gave some sort of hope and relief. Things got quiet and he seemed to be back to his "normal" self. He told me he stopped drinking, but it was not true, which I found out only later. A month after his breakdown I made a decision which I deeply regret now - I agreed to try to reconcile and move to his hometown. We agreed that if that didn't work, we would sign divorce papers and move on with our lives. I also told him that his drinking was a major dealbreaker for me and if he'd abuse alcohol, I was out. He agreed.
The first week was OK, he was really trying to make me like the place and make me comfortable. He was drinking non-alcoholic beer. Then at the second week he relaxed and he drank over the weekend, not too bad at first, but enough to question my decision to come there. Once he sobered up we had a conversation, he apologized and promised he won't do this again. Then the cycle repeated itself the next week. So we had another conversation and again I cave in and gave him another chance. Then on the third weekend he got really drunk and that was at the same time he bought himself a motorcycle (a trail type one) and he was just gone somewhere on the trail, drunk, on his motorcycle. I had no idea where he was and what to do. That night when he came back I threatened to call the police on him for driving drunk. This sort of worked, because he came home and went to sleep.
Then again he sobered up and we had another conversation, and again he promised me things would change, asked me to stay and I stayed... (yes I know I am a doormat
).Fast forward, I am here for 6 weeks, and he was sober on the 2 weekends, plus the workdays out of those 6 weeks. Last weekend he tried to stop drinking completely, This is not his first attempt to stop cold-turkey in the past four year. He did last year and he wasn't drinking for almost a year. But this time it didn't work. On Tuesday, before his 2 days off (he works shifts) he asked me if he could buy some craft beer just for dinner. I disagreed, but he still went for it and apparently bought two big packs extra and hid them in the garage. Then he got drunk again on his 2 days off. I found him sleeping on the garage floor, and took all his keys (from the car, the moto and all other machinery). When he woke up, he got very angry about it, demanded his keys back, was shouting at me, saying that I stole them and to be honest I got scared for the first time in our entire relationship. I didn't know if I should give it back and risk him driving somewhere drunk, or keep resisting and jeopardize my own safety. He never raised his hand on me or did anything that would make me question my safety before. But this time I thought he might... He also told me a lot of mean things, like it's all my fault, and I am provoking him and triggering his drinking, and he's trying to make me happy and be patient and it doesn't work and it makes him wanting to drink. He said that the problem is in my head, and that he doesn't have a problem, and that he can drink as much as he wants, because he doesn't do anything bad. He also said, that even if he crashed himself into the tree on the motorcycle, it wouldn't matter because I wouldn't care anyways.
Since that episode he went into a sort of a binge, and he drank today in the morning before going on his night shift.
At this point I really just want to leave and never come back, but I am scared to leave.
Despite all the mean things he said and did to me, when he's sober - he's a good man and a person I still care a lot about, a person I still love... I feel guilty for leaving, because I feel like I am leaving him at his worst period in life. And I am also very scared that he might just go into a spiral because of me leaving and do something reckless (like driving drunk) and get hurt/killed.
I am emotionally and physically exhausted and burned out to the point, where I don't know how to get myself through the day - like there's no hope, and it will never get better and I will never get out of this nightmare.
I know that I can't live like this anymore, but at the same time I don't know how to overcome the guilt and fear of leaving.
Any advice truly appreciated and thank you for reading till the end.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi ch, glad you found SR and decided to post. I hope you will read some of the other threads here, I think a lot of them will resonate with you.
There is really a lot to address from your post, but I think the most important thing is, you are not a hostage, not to him and you shouldn't be to yourself. If you start a sentence with "I don't want to be here anymore" and then add "but", you can pretty much ignore everything after "anymore". I won't bother with the disclaimers since you know what I mean.
Your Husband is an alcoholic and he is addicted. He may or may not be drinking on the days he says he's not, but if he is hiding drinks, well, who's to say.
You may feel that you are abandoning him, but you truly need to have strong boundaries here. If you are unwilling to live with someone who drinks heavily, then you are, it really is that simple. Now, you can stay, but this isn't going to change anytime soon. Alcoholics can't have "a few drinks" or ever drink socially again, the addiction never goes away, it can just be put in remission by giving up alcohol completely - forever and getting in to a program for recovery. If they drink again, the addiction rears its head again.
This is a boundary you have made, he doesn't have to agree, it's not for him, it's for you. You were clear in your boundary. He broke it, the only question is, what will you do about it?
The fear and the guilt, of leaving him while he is down. Well you have been there 6 weeks, has anything improved? He isn't going to stop drinking until he decides to. No ultimatum, no harsh words, no amount of love or sympathy is going to change that. That's his side of the street.
Your side is looking after yourself. What can you do for yourself?
There is really a lot to address from your post, but I think the most important thing is, you are not a hostage, not to him and you shouldn't be to yourself. If you start a sentence with "I don't want to be here anymore" and then add "but", you can pretty much ignore everything after "anymore". I won't bother with the disclaimers since you know what I mean.
Your Husband is an alcoholic and he is addicted. He may or may not be drinking on the days he says he's not, but if he is hiding drinks, well, who's to say.
You may feel that you are abandoning him, but you truly need to have strong boundaries here. If you are unwilling to live with someone who drinks heavily, then you are, it really is that simple. Now, you can stay, but this isn't going to change anytime soon. Alcoholics can't have "a few drinks" or ever drink socially again, the addiction never goes away, it can just be put in remission by giving up alcohol completely - forever and getting in to a program for recovery. If they drink again, the addiction rears its head again.
I also told him that his drinking was a major dealbreaker for me and if he'd abuse alcohol, I was out. He agreed.
The fear and the guilt, of leaving him while he is down. Well you have been there 6 weeks, has anything improved? He isn't going to stop drinking until he decides to. No ultimatum, no harsh words, no amount of love or sympathy is going to change that. That's his side of the street.
Your side is looking after yourself. What can you do for yourself?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
The thing is, it doesn't sound like your being there is making any difference in his drinking or seeing to his mental health.
I know you care for him, but you can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. If he is ever to beat this thing (and there is no guarantee he ever will), he needs to take that responsibility on for himself. You can't save him, or fix him, or manage him. In the meantime, you are living somewhere you don't want to live, with someone who treats you terribly.
We don't always get to live with the people we love. This isn't your fault, it's the nature of addiction, and addiction is bigger than any person or relationship. Just as he needs to takes responsibility for his life, you need to take responsibility for yours.
I know you care for him, but you can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. If he is ever to beat this thing (and there is no guarantee he ever will), he needs to take that responsibility on for himself. You can't save him, or fix him, or manage him. In the meantime, you are living somewhere you don't want to live, with someone who treats you terribly.
We don't always get to live with the people we love. This isn't your fault, it's the nature of addiction, and addiction is bigger than any person or relationship. Just as he needs to takes responsibility for his life, you need to take responsibility for yours.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 10
I don’t really have anything to add because I am new here too. I just wanted you to know I read your post and I can feel your love, concern, frustration and fear for your husband. Get the support you need so you can set your boundaries and realize that you can control his drinking nor are you the cause of his drinking.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
ch123------there is guilt---when you have knowingly done something wrong......and, there is "false guilt"----feeling guilty when you have done nothing wrong or feel overly responsible for situations and people that you really have no control over.
The following link is to an article about this----and, you can find many discussions about false guilt, if you google it, on the internet.....
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...sist-or-addict
The following link is to an article about this----and, you can find many discussions about false guilt, if you google it, on the internet.....
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...sist-or-addict
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
He also said, that even if he crashed himself into the tree on the motorcycle, it wouldn't matter because I wouldn't care anyways...he's a good man and a person I still care a lot about, a person I still love... I feel guilty for leaving, because I feel like I am leaving him at his worst period in life
Is love a good enough reason to go along on that dangerous ride? From the passenger seat you can only await the time that the ride ends. You have no input nor control on how or when it will end. Not joining him on that ride doesn't mean that love him any less, it just means you love yourself. Hopefully he will park the metaphorical motorcycle and walk away from it forever to walk back to you; but only he can do that!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 4
Thank you so much everyone for your kind words and support. I was re-reading your messages multiple times throughout the day.
I am also reading other threads on this forum and indeed so many of them resonate with me. I am so glad I found this forum.
Everything each of you said is true, and rational part of myself understands every of that. It's the emotional part that struggles to accept the reality.
Today he sobered up, and he's back to be the "good husband" again and it's so damn hard to stick with my decision again. It's insane. Deep down I know I am making the right choice, yet struggling to somehow accept it. All the good memories are going through my head and torture me with grief, sorrow, guilt, regret and all other sorts of emotions I am not quite sure I can define and understand.
I keep asking myself, why it has to be this way? Why can't he just make an effort and seek help and making both of us go through this? Why am I not enough for him to stop, despite all his words that he wants me here and doesn't want me to leave.
I grew up with an alcoholic father, who never stopped drinking, so I do realize I most likely have co-dependence patterns. I am thinking of signing up for CoDa support groups once I am back to the city of M. and meanwhile starting to read some books on the subjects, recommendations to which I found on this forum..
I am also reading other threads on this forum and indeed so many of them resonate with me. I am so glad I found this forum.
Everything each of you said is true, and rational part of myself understands every of that. It's the emotional part that struggles to accept the reality.
Today he sobered up, and he's back to be the "good husband" again and it's so damn hard to stick with my decision again. It's insane. Deep down I know I am making the right choice, yet struggling to somehow accept it. All the good memories are going through my head and torture me with grief, sorrow, guilt, regret and all other sorts of emotions I am not quite sure I can define and understand.
I keep asking myself, why it has to be this way? Why can't he just make an effort and seek help and making both of us go through this? Why am I not enough for him to stop, despite all his words that he wants me here and doesn't want me to leave.
I grew up with an alcoholic father, who never stopped drinking, so I do realize I most likely have co-dependence patterns. I am thinking of signing up for CoDa support groups once I am back to the city of M. and meanwhile starting to read some books on the subjects, recommendations to which I found on this forum..
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Chi123----did you happen to read the article on false guilt, that I gave you the link to?
I do think the Coda group is an excellent one. also, the literature of "Adult Children of Alcoholics" ACOA...if you have not already done so. You can get that literature from your local library, if you cannot get amazon.com in your country.
I do think the Coda group is an excellent one. also, the literature of "Adult Children of Alcoholics" ACOA...if you have not already done so. You can get that literature from your local library, if you cannot get amazon.com in your country.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Chi123----did you happen to read the article on false guilt, that I gave you the link to?
I do think the Coda group is an excellent one. also, the literature of "Adult Children of Alcoholics" ACOA...if you have not already done so. You can get that literature from your local library, if you cannot get amazon.com in your country.
I do think the Coda group is an excellent one. also, the literature of "Adult Children of Alcoholics" ACOA...if you have not already done so. You can get that literature from your local library, if you cannot get amazon.com in your country.
Thank you for the book recommendation, adding it to my reading list...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
CH1-----I think it would help you to think of the actual moving in baby steps----one step after another. Try not to think of the whole thing as one time--that makes it seem overwhelming. The actual moving will help a great deal to detaching emotionally. It will be a process....... It can be done. You can do it.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Hi CH123 and welcome to Soberrecovery. Also I am so very sorry for what brings you here. An 8 year marriage is not an easy thing to walk away from even if it is the right thing to do.
We say here about alcoholism that: you didn't cause it: you can't control it and you can't cure it. I'm pretty sure most of us here tried to control/cure/fix our alcoholic (we call the alcoholic you are in a relationship with your qualifier). It is a super tough situation to love an addict.
I want to double down on what Dandy said about baby steps. I kind of live my life by the idea of "taking that next right step". Through this method, I don't move fast nor far but I keep moving . . . . so . . . . just try to think of what the next right step for you might be.
Big hug to you and let us know how you get on.
We say here about alcoholism that: you didn't cause it: you can't control it and you can't cure it. I'm pretty sure most of us here tried to control/cure/fix our alcoholic (we call the alcoholic you are in a relationship with your qualifier). It is a super tough situation to love an addict.
I want to double down on what Dandy said about baby steps. I kind of live my life by the idea of "taking that next right step". Through this method, I don't move fast nor far but I keep moving . . . . so . . . . just try to think of what the next right step for you might be.
Big hug to you and let us know how you get on.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 4
After the latest drinking event that I described in my initial post I asked him to bring me back to the city of M. this upcoming Friday (i.e. tomorrow). He initially agreed to that without saying anything or asking me to stay.
The whole week I kept telling myself that it’s the right thing to do and trying to block my fears about his well-being after my leave..
Yesterday I was packing my stuff and found a Christmas chocolate calendar hidden in the closet. I love those things very much which he knows about, and I guess he bought it for me to open on Dec 1st...A small silly thing, and it threw me out of tracks, the wave of pain and loss when I found it was almost unbearable.
Later that evening I tried to talk to him, I told him how I feel, what I think and why I want to leave, just expressed myself without blaming it accusing him. He didn’t want to talk or share his view on this situation. However this morning he said he doesn’t want me to leave but he can’t promise that he won’t drink again (at least his honest this time). He said he promised that many times before in the past 6 weeks and even before that and eventually he ended up breaking all of those promises and being a liar. He said that perhaps if we could spend more time together, maybe it would help him to change or improve his behaviour - explaining this that he drinks because he feels alone and being a failure in his life.
I told him it’s unfair that he’s putting it on me by saying he drinks because he feels alone (saying that I work too much and after I am tired and don’t want to do things - which is true and I don’t disagree). To me it sounds like if I won’t pay enough attention to him - he will end up drinking. I also told him it’s unfair to ask me to make a decision for both of us, without real commitment from his end.
Yet everything screams inside as I’m torn between two sides and have limited time to make a decision.. I am literally switching back and forth in my head between staying and leaving. I know I am enabling him by staying, I know I am codependent, I know that most likely nothing will change and I will be hurt again, I am re-reading the articles and stickies over and over again, and with all that I desperately want to believe I am not even sure what, given he said he cant promise anything.. I want to believe that this time it will be different because of that stupid Christmas calendar...
The whole week I kept telling myself that it’s the right thing to do and trying to block my fears about his well-being after my leave..
Yesterday I was packing my stuff and found a Christmas chocolate calendar hidden in the closet. I love those things very much which he knows about, and I guess he bought it for me to open on Dec 1st...A small silly thing, and it threw me out of tracks, the wave of pain and loss when I found it was almost unbearable.
Later that evening I tried to talk to him, I told him how I feel, what I think and why I want to leave, just expressed myself without blaming it accusing him. He didn’t want to talk or share his view on this situation. However this morning he said he doesn’t want me to leave but he can’t promise that he won’t drink again (at least his honest this time). He said he promised that many times before in the past 6 weeks and even before that and eventually he ended up breaking all of those promises and being a liar. He said that perhaps if we could spend more time together, maybe it would help him to change or improve his behaviour - explaining this that he drinks because he feels alone and being a failure in his life.
I told him it’s unfair that he’s putting it on me by saying he drinks because he feels alone (saying that I work too much and after I am tired and don’t want to do things - which is true and I don’t disagree). To me it sounds like if I won’t pay enough attention to him - he will end up drinking. I also told him it’s unfair to ask me to make a decision for both of us, without real commitment from his end.
Yet everything screams inside as I’m torn between two sides and have limited time to make a decision.. I am literally switching back and forth in my head between staying and leaving. I know I am enabling him by staying, I know I am codependent, I know that most likely nothing will change and I will be hurt again, I am re-reading the articles and stickies over and over again, and with all that I desperately want to believe I am not even sure what, given he said he cant promise anything.. I want to believe that this time it will be different because of that stupid Christmas calendar...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I'm sorry, I know this hurts.
It will not be different because of a chocolate calendar.
He is telling you straight up that it will not be different. You're struggling between reality and a fantasy. I hope you choose you.
It will not be different because of a chocolate calendar.
He is telling you straight up that it will not be different. You're struggling between reality and a fantasy. I hope you choose you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
CH.....I second....and third....and fourth what Sparklekitty just said. Your staying won't keep him from drinking. It's what is already inside of himself that causes him to drink. He is just blaming it on you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Yes, I agree as well.
I actually said "OH" out loud when I read this:
You have been together several years, has there been any improvement? You upped-sticks and moved to the town you didn't even want to move to, has that changed anything?
Now this:
I guess it was him trying to make a nice gesture but that wasn't the problem anyway? The problem is his alcoholism (mostly) and you don't want to live with an alcoholic? So nothing has changed? He will continue to drink, as he said.
I actually said "OH" out loud when I read this:
He said that perhaps if we could spend more time together, maybe it would help him to change or improve his behaviour - explaining this that he drinks because he feels alone and being a failure in his life.
Now this:
I want to believe that this time it will be different because of that stupid Christmas calendar
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I understand the pain you feel very well. My ex-husband was not an alcoholic, but he did cheat on me. Walking away was still so very painful. In my head, I knew that I could not trust him again--my heart felt differently. I later married a wonderful, loving, mature, adult man who did not expect me to fix him. You see, you can't fix your husband. You can only accept him as he is right now (because there is no guarantee that he will change or embrace real sobriety), or you can change. It is just that easy--and just that hard.
Post all you need as you work through this! Sending hugs and prayers!
Post all you need as you work through this! Sending hugs and prayers!
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