Mom of adult son in rehab
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Mom of adult son in rehab
I’m new here. My 24 year old son is in rehab for the first time for alcohol and depression. We haven’t had our first family counseling session and I have so many questions about comes next after rehab, what my role is and how to help without enabling. On the phone he sounds like he is really taking this seriously but he is a master of saying all the right things and I’m having trouble be optimistic or trusting.
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DMc----I have had some experience with this, so I am going to give you some advice that I learned the hard way.
He is still relatively young, so I think it is important to do the right things from the beginning---and those may be the hardest things---not, necessarily what he wants.
1. Get professional help for you and his father--if his father is in the picture. I suggest that you try to find a person who is also a long recovering alcoholic---like more than 5yrs. (at minimum). This could be a certified alcoholism counselor that is in long time recovery. And, there are psychologists and social workers who are long recovering alcoholics. You might call your local AA organization and ask whoever answers the phone if they can recommend some professionals that they may be familiar with. This is because long recovering alcoholics recognize all of the bs and the pitfalls.
Did you know that you can go as an observer to what are called "Open AA meetings" ? Those are the speaker meetings. I think you would learn a lot. (you can go without him).
2. Depression often goes along with alcoholism---and he will need to be followed by a psychiatrist and therapist in addition to a program of abstainence---like AA.
3. I highly suggest that you do not allow him to live in your home after rehab---under the idea of helping him to get on his feet. This is frequently tried and is almost guranteed to be a disaster---with you getting the short end of the stick, I learned this from a psychologist who was, himself, a long recovering alcoholic, He worked in the foster care system---and, he said that he had never, ever, seen a child get sober under the parent's roof. I have been observing since that time---and, I have found that to be true in every case that I have seen.
I suggest that you let his counselors at the rehab know that you don't plan for him to be released to your home---and, suggest that he go to some interim living situation---like a sober living house or some assisted living situation---like the Salvation Army (for example).
I am guessing that your insurance is probably paying for his rehab?
Young adults can be very manipulative and know how to push the parent's buttons---especially the guilt button---lol
This is why I think you are going to need as much professional help and advice from recovering alcoholics.
I cannot recommend this strongly enough. strong effort now can save you and your family tons of anguish later---due to well intentioned "mistakes".
I am going to give you the following link to an article that I think will be useful for you right now. I think it is a pretty good yardstick.
It is taken from our extensive library of articles---more than 100---that are contained in the "Classic Reading" section of the stickies (just above the regular threads).
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...full-crap.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap)
He is still relatively young, so I think it is important to do the right things from the beginning---and those may be the hardest things---not, necessarily what he wants.
1. Get professional help for you and his father--if his father is in the picture. I suggest that you try to find a person who is also a long recovering alcoholic---like more than 5yrs. (at minimum). This could be a certified alcoholism counselor that is in long time recovery. And, there are psychologists and social workers who are long recovering alcoholics. You might call your local AA organization and ask whoever answers the phone if they can recommend some professionals that they may be familiar with. This is because long recovering alcoholics recognize all of the bs and the pitfalls.
Did you know that you can go as an observer to what are called "Open AA meetings" ? Those are the speaker meetings. I think you would learn a lot. (you can go without him).
2. Depression often goes along with alcoholism---and he will need to be followed by a psychiatrist and therapist in addition to a program of abstainence---like AA.
3. I highly suggest that you do not allow him to live in your home after rehab---under the idea of helping him to get on his feet. This is frequently tried and is almost guranteed to be a disaster---with you getting the short end of the stick, I learned this from a psychologist who was, himself, a long recovering alcoholic, He worked in the foster care system---and, he said that he had never, ever, seen a child get sober under the parent's roof. I have been observing since that time---and, I have found that to be true in every case that I have seen.
I suggest that you let his counselors at the rehab know that you don't plan for him to be released to your home---and, suggest that he go to some interim living situation---like a sober living house or some assisted living situation---like the Salvation Army (for example).
I am guessing that your insurance is probably paying for his rehab?
Young adults can be very manipulative and know how to push the parent's buttons---especially the guilt button---lol
This is why I think you are going to need as much professional help and advice from recovering alcoholics.
I cannot recommend this strongly enough. strong effort now can save you and your family tons of anguish later---due to well intentioned "mistakes".
I am going to give you the following link to an article that I think will be useful for you right now. I think it is a pretty good yardstick.
It is taken from our extensive library of articles---more than 100---that are contained in the "Classic Reading" section of the stickies (just above the regular threads).
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...full-crap.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap)
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Hello DMcD, and Welcome to SR:
Addiction runs in my family, although I have managed to escape that fate. My stepson is who drove me to search for answers online one night and find SR. I can't really add anything to what dandylion said above, but wanted you to know that you've found a great place for support, information, and understanding.
Please don't hesitate to ask questions or just vent away anytime. We get it...really.
Addiction runs in my family, although I have managed to escape that fate. My stepson is who drove me to search for answers online one night and find SR. I can't really add anything to what dandylion said above, but wanted you to know that you've found a great place for support, information, and understanding.
Please don't hesitate to ask questions or just vent away anytime. We get it...really.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Please read dandylion's post a hundred times! It is full of wisdom.
Now is the time for you to focus on your boundaries and allow your son to focus on his recovery. Having strong boundaries for yourself is the thing that will help both you and your son the most.
Now is the time for you to focus on your boundaries and allow your son to focus on his recovery. Having strong boundaries for yourself is the thing that will help both you and your son the most.
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Join Date: Nov 2020
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Thank you Dandylion for sharing your advice and the helpful link! I have been trying to get my own therapist and with COVID it’s been frustrating. They are either not accepting new clients or only doing virtual sessions which I don’t think I’d be comfortable doing. I may need to give in and do virtual because it’s been 2 weeks and over a dozen therapists called with no luck. I have also found virtual Al-anon meeting which I will try today since there aren’t doing in person either.
My son’s depression and anxiety started when he was 17 and his Dad, my husband, died. It is only in the last year or so that it has progressed to alcohol abuse, although he was smoking pot for several years more than just recreationally. The depression and complete lack of confidence and drive/goals has been the major issue with alcohol being his misguided self medication of choice. I did the tough love thing when he was 19 and kicked him out making him go work for his Dads cousin doing hard manual labor and living on his own in a crappy rental. That lasted a few years with various issues and not the desired effect I had hoped. Last fall he stopped showing up at work and started drinking and isolating himself from everyone. That’s when I let him come home with the condition he go to therapy, get a job and start trade school. He did the first 2 and was able to BS the therapist enough that the therapist didn’t think he had clinical depression or the need for meds. COVID put off trade school and by the time it reopened he back in deep depression and lying about why he wasn’t starting school and the isolation and drinking ramped up getting up only late afternoon when I was at work for his restaurant job and coming home from work after we were all sleeping.
They immediately started him on antidepressants and nighttime meds for anxiety so he can sleep when he got to rehab. I am hoping that the meds will help him to finally participate in therapy in a more productive and honest way and help him with the pattern of isolating himself from everyone who cares about him. The embarrassment of not being able to get his life together (his words) has been paralyzing.
I know he is being taught to take things one day at a time and this is something I am struggling with as a mom. I want a plan. I want him to want more for his life and to plan for a job or career path that will allow him to be independent and feel a sense of accomplishment and pride in himself. I worry that if he comes home I will go crazy focusing on the “ Do something with your life!” and not the one day at time method he’s being taught. I want to support him but don’t want to make life too easy for him either. He has a 16 year old brother still at home so there are concerns about the example he has set and what his lack of forward motion in life looks like to a 16 year old trying to figure out what he wants to do after high school.
I’m grateful for finding this forum and I hope to continue to learn from those of you with more experience.
My son’s depression and anxiety started when he was 17 and his Dad, my husband, died. It is only in the last year or so that it has progressed to alcohol abuse, although he was smoking pot for several years more than just recreationally. The depression and complete lack of confidence and drive/goals has been the major issue with alcohol being his misguided self medication of choice. I did the tough love thing when he was 19 and kicked him out making him go work for his Dads cousin doing hard manual labor and living on his own in a crappy rental. That lasted a few years with various issues and not the desired effect I had hoped. Last fall he stopped showing up at work and started drinking and isolating himself from everyone. That’s when I let him come home with the condition he go to therapy, get a job and start trade school. He did the first 2 and was able to BS the therapist enough that the therapist didn’t think he had clinical depression or the need for meds. COVID put off trade school and by the time it reopened he back in deep depression and lying about why he wasn’t starting school and the isolation and drinking ramped up getting up only late afternoon when I was at work for his restaurant job and coming home from work after we were all sleeping.
They immediately started him on antidepressants and nighttime meds for anxiety so he can sleep when he got to rehab. I am hoping that the meds will help him to finally participate in therapy in a more productive and honest way and help him with the pattern of isolating himself from everyone who cares about him. The embarrassment of not being able to get his life together (his words) has been paralyzing.
I know he is being taught to take things one day at a time and this is something I am struggling with as a mom. I want a plan. I want him to want more for his life and to plan for a job or career path that will allow him to be independent and feel a sense of accomplishment and pride in himself. I worry that if he comes home I will go crazy focusing on the “ Do something with your life!” and not the one day at time method he’s being taught. I want to support him but don’t want to make life too easy for him either. He has a 16 year old brother still at home so there are concerns about the example he has set and what his lack of forward motion in life looks like to a 16 year old trying to figure out what he wants to do after high school.
I’m grateful for finding this forum and I hope to continue to learn from those of you with more experience.
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You might want to take some time to look at the Newcomers to Recovery or Alcoholism forums to get a better understanding of the "one day at a time" philosophy. It may be contradictory to what you want for him, but it has been tried and true for recovering alcoholics for a long time.
I can't imagine what it's like to have a child struggling with these challenges, but I do know that if you focus on what you want for him you could drive yourself mad and breed resentments based on your expectations. He is only 19, and having a "lack of forward motion" at that age, especially after dealing with the loss of a parent, seems pretty normal to me. For many alcoholics in recovery, and for people struggling with depression, one day at a time is all they can manage. It doesn't mean it will always be that way, but what he needs right now is to know that you love him, not that you need him to be better faster than he is ready.
I can't imagine what it's like to have a child struggling with these challenges, but I do know that if you focus on what you want for him you could drive yourself mad and breed resentments based on your expectations. He is only 19, and having a "lack of forward motion" at that age, especially after dealing with the loss of a parent, seems pretty normal to me. For many alcoholics in recovery, and for people struggling with depression, one day at a time is all they can manage. It doesn't mean it will always be that way, but what he needs right now is to know that you love him, not that you need him to be better faster than he is ready.
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Thanks SparkleKitty, this is exactly what I need to hear. He is 24 now, 19 when he failed out of college and I kicked him out. I definitely don’t want to cause resentment between us by pushing him to look too far ahead so I need to work on my need to see all of my chicks happy and productive with their futures all layed out. My middle son is 22 and has had his own struggles since his dad died but is on a really good path right now and he also pushes his older brother to “get his act together” which has not been helpful. I will read more and try to embrace “one day at a time” and deal with my own anxieties about an unknown future for him. Learning I have no control over his life plan is a real struggle!
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DMcD.....I am going to send you a PM (private; message). Keep your eye on the box in the far upper right hand corner of the page. You will find indication, there, when the message arrives. give me a little time--lol.....
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Ah, yes, sorry for the rushed response. I stand by it though, considering what he's been through it may take him longer to find his way. I bet, though, that when he does, it will be with more confidence and peace than if he had merely rushed forward trying to fit his life into some image he thinks it should be.
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I can not stress enough that BEFORE HE LEAVES recovery that you, his counselor and he write up a detailed itemized contract that will be signed in front of the counselor. Think of every scenario, write it down and what the repercussions will be if he relapses. And I mean Exactly- if this happens, this will happen. We verbalized it during our family meeting but did not feel the need to write and sign. What a mistake. Once home....surprise, surprise- she didn't remember any of what was said. We started right back and within just a few months we were in worse shape than before.
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DMcD------I concur with what Leana just said....I agree that it is absolutely necessary to get expectations clear. Along this point---about whether or not he returns to your home after rehab---I think you will have to make your position clear to the person who is doing his discharge planning. Of course, you already know my position on adult children living in their parent's home---as we have already discussed this as per an above post. You might have to be assertive on this point, if you do not choose for him to live under the same roof with you.
Remember that the discharge planner is interested in him---not you! HE is their client and they just want to make some discharge plan. They will be inclined to go with what HE wants and go with that---unless you have something else to say.
The potential for conflict between parent and adult child who has issues---is enormous. I have been there, myself and it was like a walk through the isles of *ell, for me. I sooo wish that I had had someone to say all of this to me, at the time it was going on in my home. I, like typical parents, thought that not freely offering living space in the home was the same as "rejecting" the child. I thought that a good parent always said "the door is always open--you always have a home with us". While I still believe strongly---very strongly---in family connections and family support in times of trouble or need-------this can spell disaster when the main issue is addiction/alcoholism--or, any situation where Adulting is an issue. It can become a way that the parent inadvertantly enables the child. Who knew?
Remember that the discharge planner is interested in him---not you! HE is their client and they just want to make some discharge plan. They will be inclined to go with what HE wants and go with that---unless you have something else to say.
The potential for conflict between parent and adult child who has issues---is enormous. I have been there, myself and it was like a walk through the isles of *ell, for me. I sooo wish that I had had someone to say all of this to me, at the time it was going on in my home. I, like typical parents, thought that not freely offering living space in the home was the same as "rejecting" the child. I thought that a good parent always said "the door is always open--you always have a home with us". While I still believe strongly---very strongly---in family connections and family support in times of trouble or need-------this can spell disaster when the main issue is addiction/alcoholism--or, any situation where Adulting is an issue. It can become a way that the parent inadvertantly enables the child. Who knew?
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I really appreciate all of the advice, this is exactly what I need to hear! He has applied for extended stay which will give him some extra responsibilities at the facility and allow him to continue with therapy and meetings. If he is not accepted he will look into sober living but he has some legitimate concerns about where and which ones he would be agreeable to. This is a young man who has never done hard drugs or had any legal problems and grew up in a more rural suburb so he is concerned about stories he has heard about some of the more Urban sober living homes in our state. We have our first Zoom family therapy tomorrow and I am anxious to discuss my boundaries about what comes next. Not having a written contract is one of the problems we had this year when he moved back home so if that ends up being a temporary option I will follow your advice and have it all spelled out in writing before he comes home. Sober living would give him a chance to find a job so he could live on his own again but if he doesn’t do that I am worried about him not having a job when he gets discharged. My head is spinning and I am trying hard to embrace “One day at a time” but my practical side is fighting not planning long term.
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DMcD-----to give you an idea of what a sober living house can be like----I suggest that you google "Oxford House". My husband and I owned an Oxford House, at one point. (we owned the house, but did not run the house--we just rented the property to the organization). However, we had lots of contact with the residents and the regional administrators. It was quite impressive, overall. The average stay was between 6 a nd 18months, at our house--although residents could stay al long as they wanted to.
***when writing a contract for at home living----in case a job is hard to find due to the Covid situation----there is pleanty of volunteer opportunities in most communities. This prevents the boredom and tendency to lie around the house, in bed, all day. He could even "invent" his own gig--using his own imagination. Lack of structure or some kind of meaningful activity can be a problem.
***when writing a contract for at home living----in case a job is hard to find due to the Covid situation----there is pleanty of volunteer opportunities in most communities. This prevents the boredom and tendency to lie around the house, in bed, all day. He could even "invent" his own gig--using his own imagination. Lack of structure or some kind of meaningful activity can be a problem.
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I love the volunteer idea if no job is available! He was a competitive swimmer and loved being a life guard/swim coach he also did two mission trips with our church at 15 and 16 years old that he still talks about it. I think that volunteer work could be a real self esteem boost in addition to being structured time for his days. I will look into Sober Living more and be open to it if the options for extended stay don’t work out.
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Thanks so much for your post DMcD...and thank you Dandylion for that great link and the wisdom and experience you so freely share.
My 29 year old son is an active alcoholic who has a great job, makes a good living, and has his own apartment. He has no friends, no significant other, no real relationship with any family members, and he and I have not seen one another for over 2 years...have not been in touch in 1 1/2 years. It is heartbreaking, but I know that there is nothing I can do. I donate money anonymously in his name on his birthday and at Christmas, I have sent cards occasionally as well to let him know that I am here for him should he ever want help. My current partner has 10 years in recovery, and his experience has helped me to understand addiction.
I am glad you have found this site.I come here to be reminded that his recovery or lack thereof is completely up to my son. There is absolutely nothing I can do but hope. And while I do, I take good care of myself, and I enjoy everyday that I have. I know that things will certainly get worse for my son if he doesn't change his path, and I would love for him to seek help, but regardless of the circumstances, addicts will use unless they get help. My son's career success allows him to fool himself that his drinking and drugging are not a problem. His only problem from his perspective are the people who think he has one. I hope and pray this will change someday. I wish you well, and I am glad you are here.
My 29 year old son is an active alcoholic who has a great job, makes a good living, and has his own apartment. He has no friends, no significant other, no real relationship with any family members, and he and I have not seen one another for over 2 years...have not been in touch in 1 1/2 years. It is heartbreaking, but I know that there is nothing I can do. I donate money anonymously in his name on his birthday and at Christmas, I have sent cards occasionally as well to let him know that I am here for him should he ever want help. My current partner has 10 years in recovery, and his experience has helped me to understand addiction.
I am glad you have found this site.I come here to be reminded that his recovery or lack thereof is completely up to my son. There is absolutely nothing I can do but hope. And while I do, I take good care of myself, and I enjoy everyday that I have. I know that things will certainly get worse for my son if he doesn't change his path, and I would love for him to seek help, but regardless of the circumstances, addicts will use unless they get help. My son's career success allows him to fool himself that his drinking and drugging are not a problem. His only problem from his perspective are the people who think he has one. I hope and pray this will change someday. I wish you well, and I am glad you are here.
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