Feeling Confused.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
I think that anything that helps you take your focus off of him is a wise move.
You can try to dissect him all you like, but isn't that energy better spent working on why you put up with disrespectful behavior for so long? Loving someone is not a reason to excuse bad treatment.
You can try to dissect him all you like, but isn't that energy better spent working on why you put up with disrespectful behavior for so long? Loving someone is not a reason to excuse bad treatment.
The fact that he eventually got my walls down and I entered a relationship assuming it was going too be long term, I really really hoped and wanted it too work.
I feel like such a fool and totally used. I really can't make sense of how someone that can tell you they love you that much can go 12 days without talking too you and treating you with such callous.
I really have to figure out why I've allowed this. Low self esteem, pretence of this amazing connection and the fact that he was the closest person too me for the last 6 months after reconnecting after 7 years. I suppose I didn't want to think any differently.
Today I feel destroyed as a person
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
But you are not destroyed. You're just a bit bruised. You will heal, and you will be stronger and more self-aware than before, as long as you keep asking yourself these questions about why you tolerated this behavior. The answers aren't in figuring out why he does what he does, but in why you do what you do. I have been down this road myself and it can be very uncomfortable, but the one thing I learned is that no one ever died from being uncomfortable. And I came out of that process stronger and healthier than I ever imagined possible.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
But you are not destroyed. You're just a bit bruised. You will heal, and you will be stronger and more self-aware than before, as long as you keep asking yourself these questions about why you tolerated this behavior. The answers aren't in figuring out why he does what he does, but in why you do what you do. I have been down this road myself and it can be very uncomfortable, but the one thing I learned is that no one ever died from being uncomfortable. And I came out of that process stronger and healthier than I ever imagined possible.
I'm not even sure what direction I should go with this. Have ordered 2 recomended books today online so hopefully that's a start and I know I have severe low self esteem and self worth issues that need too be tackled.
Honestly I sincerely appreciate your responses,they've helped greatly x
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I worked through my stuff with a therapist, meeting weekly for quite some time, and those sessions were life-saving.
In between I did other work. This included hanging around with people who reflected my favorite parts of me--people who appreciated my intelligence, my sense of humor, my curiosity; people who loved me as I was without qualifications. Also people who I thought were healthy. On the flip side, I limited time with people who I could recognize as toxic. I went no contact with the person who had triggered my recognition of my dysfunction. I learned about boundaries, and for awhile, I acted "as if" I believed I deserved love and respect, even when, for various reasons, I didn't really believe that. Recognizing that I lacked self-esteem, I took "esteemable actions", and actively tried not to do things that weren't good for me, even if they felt familiar. In my case, that meant not dating. Not even thinking about dating. Spending time with myself and learning what good company I could really be. All of these things were both explicitly and implicity guided by my therapist, but the real work came down to me being willing to do things differently, even when they didn't feel comfortable. Eventually, I was able to stop pretending I believed in myself, because I actually did. I believed I was worth more than I had previously settled for from my family and from my relationships.
All of that was many years ago -- that journey started almost two decades ago. And I'll tell you, that belief in myself has proven unshakeable. I know that I deserve love and respect, and if someone can't give that to me, then I am able to walk away understanding that it is more about them than it is about me.
In between I did other work. This included hanging around with people who reflected my favorite parts of me--people who appreciated my intelligence, my sense of humor, my curiosity; people who loved me as I was without qualifications. Also people who I thought were healthy. On the flip side, I limited time with people who I could recognize as toxic. I went no contact with the person who had triggered my recognition of my dysfunction. I learned about boundaries, and for awhile, I acted "as if" I believed I deserved love and respect, even when, for various reasons, I didn't really believe that. Recognizing that I lacked self-esteem, I took "esteemable actions", and actively tried not to do things that weren't good for me, even if they felt familiar. In my case, that meant not dating. Not even thinking about dating. Spending time with myself and learning what good company I could really be. All of these things were both explicitly and implicity guided by my therapist, but the real work came down to me being willing to do things differently, even when they didn't feel comfortable. Eventually, I was able to stop pretending I believed in myself, because I actually did. I believed I was worth more than I had previously settled for from my family and from my relationships.
All of that was many years ago -- that journey started almost two decades ago. And I'll tell you, that belief in myself has proven unshakeable. I know that I deserve love and respect, and if someone can't give that to me, then I am able to walk away understanding that it is more about them than it is about me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
Originally Posted by Karoc
Low self esteem, pretence of this amazing connection and the fact that he was the closest person too me for the last 6 months after reconnecting after 7 years.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by velma929
I wish I could say that I had only spent six months of my life in a bad relationship.
i can only imagine the horrific implications of a longer invested in bad relationship x
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by Karoc
Today I feel destroyed as a person
Posting that was a jab at you, to be ignored.
I dated a guy once for a year and half, not an alcoholic but not ok all the same. Sure it started out pretty much all happy and wasn't I wonderful, but that changed at roughly 6 months. He wanted me to move in with him, I wouldn't do it. I had alarms going off in my head but I couldn't quite let go.
Well, that was the deal breaker for him and he decided to move back to his home city after a year. Just like that. We were literally still a couple as he pulled away with his U-haul trailer. Long story short, he came back for a few months, I realized this was a terrible idea and asked him to leave and he did.
We stayed in touch for a while, then I told him we shouldn't speak for a while. Miraculously after perhaps a day? he started posting on FB - hey I'm back!! - with a picture of him by the river in summer (that I took), all happiness and light. He became a born again-born again Christian - again, to cater to his former religious friends.
Now I tell you all this because social media is just a snap shot of what people want you to see, when they are not genuine people. His life was not down by the river lol - it was actually not wanting to work, living at home, sponging off his family and friends (and he had managed to alienate all of them) and being miserable.
I had the advantage of knowing all this, so I just looked in wonder at the narrative he was weaving, what an ass. Oh and he was also a non-FB person prior to this.
So, please don't feel destroyed, it's honestly nothing. It's such a good thing that you deleted him, I did the same with the ex.
Now taking that info, let that sink in, you KNOW he doesn't like to frolic in the wilds you KNOW he doesn't use social media, he is just being his awful self. Isn't that lovely? Keep being aware, it will seriously reduce the "heart break" in this situation.
Focus back on yourself, take care of yourself, make sure you get plenty of sleep and eat well, treat yourself. I'm glad you have ordered some books. You will come through this and in building a solid foundation of your self worth and self esteem you will be all the happier.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
I worked through my stuff with a therapist, meeting weekly for quite some time, and those sessions were life-saving.
In between I did other work. This included hanging around with people who reflected my favorite parts of me--people who appreciated my intelligence, my sense of humor, my curiosity; people who loved me as I was without qualifications. Also people who I thought were healthy. On the flip side, I limited time with people who I could recognize as toxic. I went no contact with the person who had triggered my recognition of my dysfunction. I learned about boundaries, and for awhile, I acted "as if" I believed I deserved love and respect, even when, for various reasons, I didn't really believe that. Recognizing that I lacked self-esteem, I took "esteemable actions", and actively tried not to do things that weren't good for me, even if they felt familiar. In my case, that meant not dating. Not even thinking about dating. Spending time with myself and learning what good company I could really be. All of these things were both explicitly and implicity guided by my therapist, but the real work came down to me being willing to do things differently, even when they didn't feel comfortable. Eventually, I was able to stop pretending I believed in myself, because I actually did. I believed I was worth more than I had previously settled for from my family and from my relationships.
All of that was many years ago -- that journey started almost two decades ago. And I'll tell you, that belief in myself has proven unshakeable. I know that I deserve love and respect, and if someone can't give that to me, then I am able to walk away understanding that it is more about them than it is about me.
In between I did other work. This included hanging around with people who reflected my favorite parts of me--people who appreciated my intelligence, my sense of humor, my curiosity; people who loved me as I was without qualifications. Also people who I thought were healthy. On the flip side, I limited time with people who I could recognize as toxic. I went no contact with the person who had triggered my recognition of my dysfunction. I learned about boundaries, and for awhile, I acted "as if" I believed I deserved love and respect, even when, for various reasons, I didn't really believe that. Recognizing that I lacked self-esteem, I took "esteemable actions", and actively tried not to do things that weren't good for me, even if they felt familiar. In my case, that meant not dating. Not even thinking about dating. Spending time with myself and learning what good company I could really be. All of these things were both explicitly and implicity guided by my therapist, but the real work came down to me being willing to do things differently, even when they didn't feel comfortable. Eventually, I was able to stop pretending I believed in myself, because I actually did. I believed I was worth more than I had previously settled for from my family and from my relationships.
All of that was many years ago -- that journey started almost two decades ago. And I'll tell you, that belief in myself has proven unshakeable. I know that I deserve love and respect, and if someone can't give that to me, then I am able to walk away understanding that it is more about them than it is about me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by trailmix
Karoc, I hope you are rethinking being destroyed. My suggestion is you stop thinking of him in this great light, he is not that guy. He may want to BE that guy, but overall, he's just not.
Posting that was a jab at you, to be ignored.
I dated a guy once for a year and half, not an alcoholic but not ok all the same. Sure it started out pretty much all happy and wasn't I wonderful, but that changed at roughly 6 months. He wanted me to move in with him, I wouldn't do it. I had alarms going off in my head but I couldn't quite let go.
Well, that was the deal breaker for him and he decided to move back to his home city. Just like that. We were literally still a couple as he pulled away with his U-haul trailer. Long story short, he came back for a few months, I realized this was a terrible idea and asked him to leave and he did.
We stayed in touch for a while, then I told him we shouldn't speak for a while. Miraculously after perhaps a day? he started posting on FB - hey I'm back!! - with a picture of him by the river in summer (that I took), all happiness and light. He became a born again-born again Christian - again, to cater to his former religious friends.
Now I tell you all this because social media is just a snap shot of what people want you to see, when they are not genuine people. His life was not down by the river lol - it was actually not wanting to work, living at home, sponging off his family and friends (and he had managed to alienate all of them) and being miserable.
I had the advantage of knowing all this, so I just looked in wonder at the narrative he was weaving, what an ass. Oh and he was also a non-FB person prior to this.
So, please don't feel destroyed, it's honestly nothing. It's such a good thing that you deleted him, I did the same with the ex.
Now taking that info, let that sink in, you KNOW he doesn't like to frolic in the wilds you KNOW he doesn't use social media, he is just being his awful self. Isn't that lovely? Keep being aware, it will seriously reduce the "heart break" in this situation.
Focus back on yourself, take care of yourself, make sure you get plenty of sleep and eat well, treat yourself. I'm glad you have ordered some books. You will come through this and in building a solid foundation of your self worth and self esteem you will be all the happier.
Posting that was a jab at you, to be ignored.
I dated a guy once for a year and half, not an alcoholic but not ok all the same. Sure it started out pretty much all happy and wasn't I wonderful, but that changed at roughly 6 months. He wanted me to move in with him, I wouldn't do it. I had alarms going off in my head but I couldn't quite let go.
Well, that was the deal breaker for him and he decided to move back to his home city. Just like that. We were literally still a couple as he pulled away with his U-haul trailer. Long story short, he came back for a few months, I realized this was a terrible idea and asked him to leave and he did.
We stayed in touch for a while, then I told him we shouldn't speak for a while. Miraculously after perhaps a day? he started posting on FB - hey I'm back!! - with a picture of him by the river in summer (that I took), all happiness and light. He became a born again-born again Christian - again, to cater to his former religious friends.
Now I tell you all this because social media is just a snap shot of what people want you to see, when they are not genuine people. His life was not down by the river lol - it was actually not wanting to work, living at home, sponging off his family and friends (and he had managed to alienate all of them) and being miserable.
I had the advantage of knowing all this, so I just looked in wonder at the narrative he was weaving, what an ass. Oh and he was also a non-FB person prior to this.
So, please don't feel destroyed, it's honestly nothing. It's such a good thing that you deleted him, I did the same with the ex.
Now taking that info, let that sink in, you KNOW he doesn't like to frolic in the wilds you KNOW he doesn't use social media, he is just being his awful self. Isn't that lovely? Keep being aware, it will seriously reduce the "heart break" in this situation.
Focus back on yourself, take care of yourself, make sure you get plenty of sleep and eat well, treat yourself. I'm glad you have ordered some books. You will come through this and in building a solid foundation of your self worth and self esteem you will be all the happier.
I am just so much further than that type of person, I refused to even participate in any social media interactions for fear of trying to hurt him or be petty or bitter.
It amazes me though as too why he would go too them lengths for a reaction when it was him that walked away and cut all contact.
Pathetic really.
i giggled a little at your story, purely because you knew exactly when and where you'd taken that picture, and how ridiculous it is for them to get any sort of attention whatsoever.
thank you for reinforcing my decision too delete. I don't feel half as bad now.
I don't play mind games or whatever it is these guys like too do so when someone does it too me I just can never see the need for it and then start doubting myself. In fact I constantly doubt myself but that's something that will change too.
I'm sure I will sleep better tonight without the anxiety of checking his social media because sub consciously I had a feeling he would do something as petty as today x
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by Karoc
I just can never see the need for it and then start doubting myself. In fact I constantly doubt myself but that's something that will change too.
I'm sure I will sleep better tonight without the anxiety of checking his social media because sub consciously I had a feeling he would do something as petty as today x
I'm sure I will sleep better tonight without the anxiety of checking his social media because sub consciously I had a feeling he would do something as petty as today x
Oh and he's bitter, remember, he may have walked out in a huff and hasn't contacted you, but he might have anticipated a big apology from you.
Where you are doubting yourself, that is a key. That's a really negative self thought. You didn't know what you didn't know. If someone lies to you or puts on a pretence or tries to be someone they can't maintain, what does that have to do with you? You did have a feeling he would do something like that, perhaps you just haven't been listening to yourself?
Going forward I suspect you will be much more cautious. You will ask yourself, is this good for me?
Yes, the quiet of no texts, no phone calls, no posts can be - overwhelmingly quiet, for a bit, but honestly, it was a relief. If you find things trigger you, like the sound of a text coming in, change the sound or turn it off for a while (you can always look to see periodically if someone has texted). You might want to consider blocking him on your phone eventually, so there is no anticipation, but of course, that's up to you. I never had to, never heard from him again! Yay!
I know at this point that joy of the silence from them doesn't seem possible, but the more you focus on what was oh so wrong here, the more you will welcome it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Good Morning Karoc,
Stop feeling like you are destroyed. He has not destroyed you. Your eyes have opened up to the true person that he is.
It is his lost that he doesn't realize how much joy can come from a simple walk with that special person. I value those walks. Social media is great in some degree's, but it does not give you the whole picture of the person you are seeing in the picture. I know you feel hurt, but you know he is doing it all just for show.
Alcoholics are great manipulators. They seem to know what to say and how to say it to keep you in their life. You are not a fool for believing his love for you. We all want to be loved by someone. You knew your feeling for him at the time and though what he was saying was just as genuine. His actions now show you the true man he is. Not one that will stand by you.
I hope you are doing better and are continuing to educate yourself on how alcoholics act. There is so much knowledge here. Keep looking after yourself. Doing something that brings you joy. Keep being strong.
Stop feeling like you are destroyed. He has not destroyed you. Your eyes have opened up to the true person that he is.
An outdoor picture of him walking in scenery, something that A. I had too practically beg him too do every weekend, with his remarks of why would anyone want too go walking, where's the fun in that and B. The fact that he never posts on social media.
I feel like such a fool and totally used. I really can't make sense of how someone that can tell you they love you that much can go 12 days without talking too you and treating you with such callous.
I hope you are doing better and are continuing to educate yourself on how alcoholics act. There is so much knowledge here. Keep looking after yourself. Doing something that brings you joy. Keep being strong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 24
I hope you are doing better and are continuing to educate yourself on how alcoholics act. There is so much knowledge here. Keep looking after yourself. Doing something that brings you joy. Keep being strong.[/QUOTE]
Thank you all again for your wonderful messages of support.
I've been having good and bad days, suppose that's too be expected..
Working all week has been a distraction, but the evenings are when it hits me hard.
I just find it exceptionally hard too accept that it was all manipulation and lies.
It really didn't feel like that and I'm finding it so difficult too understand, where the initial outburst came from, the reasoning behind him leaving so horribly and then the fact that he hasn't once even attempted too contact me since.
It just bewilders me how anyone could treat someone that they "love" like that. It's something I'm really really struggling with at the minute. How you can pretend someone doesn't exist or that they committed the most hainous crime against you. So surreal.
I am being as strong as possible because as much as I am tormented with the unknown and lack of answers I haven't contacted him either, regardless of how difficult it's been and how heart broken, confused and upset I actually am
Thank you all again for your wonderful messages of support.
I've been having good and bad days, suppose that's too be expected..
Working all week has been a distraction, but the evenings are when it hits me hard.
I just find it exceptionally hard too accept that it was all manipulation and lies.
It really didn't feel like that and I'm finding it so difficult too understand, where the initial outburst came from, the reasoning behind him leaving so horribly and then the fact that he hasn't once even attempted too contact me since.
It just bewilders me how anyone could treat someone that they "love" like that. It's something I'm really really struggling with at the minute. How you can pretend someone doesn't exist or that they committed the most hainous crime against you. So surreal.
I am being as strong as possible because as much as I am tormented with the unknown and lack of answers I haven't contacted him either, regardless of how difficult it's been and how heart broken, confused and upset I actually am
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Karoc......I understand how much this hearts. Of course it does! I think that everyone else, here, understands, also----because most everyone of us has been hurt, deep down, like that.
You will never really understand it---I think it comes down to finally accepting that he is messed up in the head, and, thus will never be capable of giving you what you deserve and need.
You will never really understand it---I think it comes down to finally accepting that he is messed up in the head, and, thus will never be capable of giving you what you deserve and need.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Absolutely, it's trying to make sense of that which is pretty non-sensical.
He doesn't think like you do. It's really tough when you are trying to apply "normal" reactions and feelings to a person who is an alcoholic or any kind of drug addict.
A good example of that is the point list I posted for you in this thread. If you look at those things, are those ways you would react? If you got a DUI or were charged with some offense, would you do it again. Would you speed on the way to your court date for excessive speed? Would you drink so excessively that you couldn't start your new job?
These are decisions he made, that's how he thinks, it might make zero sense to the rest of us, but that's irrelevant, that's him.
You might want to review the threads of Abandoned80, I think you will identify with her story and might find the replies really helpful too. You can view all her threads here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...archid=8958663
He doesn't think like you do. It's really tough when you are trying to apply "normal" reactions and feelings to a person who is an alcoholic or any kind of drug addict.
A good example of that is the point list I posted for you in this thread. If you look at those things, are those ways you would react? If you got a DUI or were charged with some offense, would you do it again. Would you speed on the way to your court date for excessive speed? Would you drink so excessively that you couldn't start your new job?
These are decisions he made, that's how he thinks, it might make zero sense to the rest of us, but that's irrelevant, that's him.
You might want to review the threads of Abandoned80, I think you will identify with her story and might find the replies really helpful too. You can view all her threads here:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...archid=8958663
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by dandylion
Karoc......I understand how much this hearts. Of course it does! I think that everyone else, here, understands, also----because most everyone of us has been hurt, deep down, like that.
You will never really understand it---I think it comes down to finally accepting that he is messed up in the head, and, thus will never be capable of giving you what you deserve and need.
You will never really understand it---I think it comes down to finally accepting that he is messed up in the head, and, thus will never be capable of giving you what you deserve and need.
For today I'm sad and very much missing him. Tempted too reach out but thankfully my ego and fear of a response won't allow it.
Crazy how things can just change in the blink of an eye!
And huge gratitude for the knowledge and wisdom from this forum also x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2020
Posts: 24
Originally Posted by trailmix
One other thing:
You don't really know that it was? He may have loved you to the absolute best of his ability.
You don't really know that it was? He may have loved you to the absolute best of his ability.
And even though today I am sad and so desperately miss him, i am trying not too romanticise all the good and try too remember that I am in this position for a reason and that no good will come from reaching out too him.
I have used the morning too read through all abandoned80s posts and it's unbelievable how many people have found themselves in the same situation.
You tend too think, when you are going through this that you are totally alone.
It has given me a bit more reassurance knowing that I am not the only person in the world that feels the way I am feeling right now and that it's also ok too feel that way.
Prior too this I wondered what was so desperately wrong with me that he never even made an attempt too reconcile or even leave things in a civil manner but now I see that maybe it's easier for him to class me as the bad person, not deal with the negativity of the row and last 3 weeks, or accept any wrong doings on his own behalf so it was simpler too just cut me out for good. As cruel as that it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
I think the bottom line here for you is to fist determine if this guy is an addict / alcoholic. If in your heart the answer to that question is Yes (and based on what I read concerning your story I would agree the answer is yes) then it becomes a matter of accepting that fact & all that goes with it.
Going back to like 2016 & before I was even a member on SR, I spent a huge amount of time reading back stories on F&F Substance Abuse forum. There are thousands of stories. My story is posted there. My point is you are far from being alone. I know it gave me some (just some) comfort knowing I was not alone. You are not the only person is this world to feel the way you are feeling now. Also its very ok for you to feel the way you do.
Whatever you spend your time thinking about, if your answer to the above question is "yes" then please always keep in mind that he's an addict / alcoholic & all that goes with it. Its not a pretty picture.
Going back to like 2016 & before I was even a member on SR, I spent a huge amount of time reading back stories on F&F Substance Abuse forum. There are thousands of stories. My story is posted there. My point is you are far from being alone. I know it gave me some (just some) comfort knowing I was not alone. You are not the only person is this world to feel the way you are feeling now. Also its very ok for you to feel the way you do.
Whatever you spend your time thinking about, if your answer to the above question is "yes" then please always keep in mind that he's an addict / alcoholic & all that goes with it. Its not a pretty picture.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
