Things are moving to an End. (and a new beginning)
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Things are moving to an End. (and a new beginning)
Hi AlI,
The divorce is now nipping at my heels. Paperwork and lawyer stuff is front and centre in my life, among all the other parts of life that march on.
Seeing the finality is so sad. It sometimes feels like my whole chest wants to explode and that the insides of my midline are on fire. My head is heavy and full of wet cotton, my focus is limited. My emotions are on a knife-edge. I could cry at any moment, I am so angry, I am so frustrated and impatient. It is a daily struggle to PUSH it all down to be kind, gentle and supportive of my daughter, my staff and other people.
I am so scared of what will happen. I will have to pay spousal support, child support, when the time comes and we may have to sell the house. I am frightened by the looming changes. (Anyone out there who is in this boat or has been there, please, please, please message me.). I have a terrible anger around this. And to boot, my Ex told me that all this is my fault, because I filed the papers 2 years ago and never retracted them. I guess my attempts at reconcilliation were not evidence enough, and a final zinger was her comment that, "I likely never did love her". That one was a low blow. I know this is part of the ugly mudslinging that divorce brings out.
I look around my house and feel depressed. Kind of how I used to feel when I would sit in the living room and sometimes cry, when she was out, knowing she was out drinking and sleeping with her boyfriend. There is a lot of pain for me in that house, and at the same time it is the home my daughter has had for her whole 12 years. I built a post and beam verandah this summer and now I look at it and it feels like such a waste. I know I am having a pity party here, but I don't even care. These are real losses and losses hurt.
So much of our life was destroyed. This took so much. How a spouse comes out from under this is truly remarkable. Always looking for words of wisdom from those who have loved and lost to this disease. I meditated this morning, something my sponsor said I need to do in order to put even a thin buffer between me and this pain. I meditated on being kind (patient, calm), gentle (keeping the horrible future and past tripping out, the inner judge telling me I am a failure and will dies lonely) and supportive (go for a walk, attend a meeting, write here, imagine the people who care about me and the people who have been down this road, hugging me). This is the only thing keeping me going right now. I am not sure how I am going to get through this next minute without crying and pounding the walls wondering why this has all come to pass. I feel like I can't get a second of relief.
Please respond if you can.
The divorce is now nipping at my heels. Paperwork and lawyer stuff is front and centre in my life, among all the other parts of life that march on.
Seeing the finality is so sad. It sometimes feels like my whole chest wants to explode and that the insides of my midline are on fire. My head is heavy and full of wet cotton, my focus is limited. My emotions are on a knife-edge. I could cry at any moment, I am so angry, I am so frustrated and impatient. It is a daily struggle to PUSH it all down to be kind, gentle and supportive of my daughter, my staff and other people.
I am so scared of what will happen. I will have to pay spousal support, child support, when the time comes and we may have to sell the house. I am frightened by the looming changes. (Anyone out there who is in this boat or has been there, please, please, please message me.). I have a terrible anger around this. And to boot, my Ex told me that all this is my fault, because I filed the papers 2 years ago and never retracted them. I guess my attempts at reconcilliation were not evidence enough, and a final zinger was her comment that, "I likely never did love her". That one was a low blow. I know this is part of the ugly mudslinging that divorce brings out.
I look around my house and feel depressed. Kind of how I used to feel when I would sit in the living room and sometimes cry, when she was out, knowing she was out drinking and sleeping with her boyfriend. There is a lot of pain for me in that house, and at the same time it is the home my daughter has had for her whole 12 years. I built a post and beam verandah this summer and now I look at it and it feels like such a waste. I know I am having a pity party here, but I don't even care. These are real losses and losses hurt.
So much of our life was destroyed. This took so much. How a spouse comes out from under this is truly remarkable. Always looking for words of wisdom from those who have loved and lost to this disease. I meditated this morning, something my sponsor said I need to do in order to put even a thin buffer between me and this pain. I meditated on being kind (patient, calm), gentle (keeping the horrible future and past tripping out, the inner judge telling me I am a failure and will dies lonely) and supportive (go for a walk, attend a meeting, write here, imagine the people who care about me and the people who have been down this road, hugging me). This is the only thing keeping me going right now. I am not sure how I am going to get through this next minute without crying and pounding the walls wondering why this has all come to pass. I feel like I can't get a second of relief.
Please respond if you can.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Divorce is brutal. No two ways around it. It hurts, even when you know it's for the best. I didn't WANT to divorce my AXH but I knew that I would never have a decent quality of life if I stayed in that quagmire of dysfunction we called a marriage. Oh sure, our life looked perfect to those on the outside looking in... but looks can be deceiving.
Woodlandlost, you and I have talked extensively about all the issues that arise in relationships like we had with our exes. If I had words that would help you feel better, I promise, I would have given them to you by now. Those words don't exist.
I will tell you that it doesn't always feel this way. It will get better. It takes way too long, but you will heal.
When I left my ex, I left behind almost everything except my most personal of belongings. Less than a pickup load full of stuff. After 26 years spent with someone, in the home where we raised our children and several pets, a dozen boxes wasn't much. I have never been back to that house since the day I left. The house my kids still get to call home, where my AXH lives with his GF. The house I poured blood , sweat and tears into remodeling and improving, the acre of yard that I toiled in for 15 years.. The marks on the wall as the kids grew, the treasures we acquired, holidays I poured my heart and soul into so my kids would have precious memories... all gone to me now. All except for the memories. Bittersweet doesn't quite describe it in depth enough, but that's about as close as I can get.
One of the most awful feeling days of my life was the day I had to pick up my divorce certificate from the courthouse, and by that point we'd been apart two years and had other people in our lives. I could hardly contain myself before I got back to my car where things got very primal. The noise that came from deep within me was something I'd never heard from myself (or anyone) else before, like a howl. I was rocking and crying and banging my head on the steering wheel while hot tears burned my face. The horrendous feeling in my stomach and chest felt like it would suffocate me. It was the deepest of deep grief. But... it was for the best. That was the worst of it, after that, life was on a solidly upward trajectory.
I told you those two horribly painful things to point out that leaving the home and the stuff... as well as completing the break... were major parts of the healing process. When those kinds of things are still there to be dealt with, yet to be done, they keep you anchored to the pain. They loom over you in a way you don't even realize until they aren't there anymore. I understand the reluctance to let go of those things, it was the hardest and most painful thing I've ever had to do. If I can survive it, anyone can.. many of us here have.
I know none of my words help WWL, but I do want you to know I understand, and I empathize. It's going to hurt, it's going to hurt for a long time, but not forever. Had you stayed married that would have been a hurt that DID last forever because the damage done was insurmountable. People in my family have had marriages like that, broken beyond repair but still they stayed together until death did they part. What a miserable way to spend decades of this one and only precious gift of life. Please try to find some solace in the fact you won't have to live that way.
I am truly sorry you are feeling so broken. I'll never forget that feeling, but I do promise you, it won't always feel like this.
Deeep, deep breaths my friend.
Woodlandlost, you and I have talked extensively about all the issues that arise in relationships like we had with our exes. If I had words that would help you feel better, I promise, I would have given them to you by now. Those words don't exist.
I will tell you that it doesn't always feel this way. It will get better. It takes way too long, but you will heal.
When I left my ex, I left behind almost everything except my most personal of belongings. Less than a pickup load full of stuff. After 26 years spent with someone, in the home where we raised our children and several pets, a dozen boxes wasn't much. I have never been back to that house since the day I left. The house my kids still get to call home, where my AXH lives with his GF. The house I poured blood , sweat and tears into remodeling and improving, the acre of yard that I toiled in for 15 years.. The marks on the wall as the kids grew, the treasures we acquired, holidays I poured my heart and soul into so my kids would have precious memories... all gone to me now. All except for the memories. Bittersweet doesn't quite describe it in depth enough, but that's about as close as I can get.
One of the most awful feeling days of my life was the day I had to pick up my divorce certificate from the courthouse, and by that point we'd been apart two years and had other people in our lives. I could hardly contain myself before I got back to my car where things got very primal. The noise that came from deep within me was something I'd never heard from myself (or anyone) else before, like a howl. I was rocking and crying and banging my head on the steering wheel while hot tears burned my face. The horrendous feeling in my stomach and chest felt like it would suffocate me. It was the deepest of deep grief. But... it was for the best. That was the worst of it, after that, life was on a solidly upward trajectory.
I told you those two horribly painful things to point out that leaving the home and the stuff... as well as completing the break... were major parts of the healing process. When those kinds of things are still there to be dealt with, yet to be done, they keep you anchored to the pain. They loom over you in a way you don't even realize until they aren't there anymore. I understand the reluctance to let go of those things, it was the hardest and most painful thing I've ever had to do. If I can survive it, anyone can.. many of us here have.
I know none of my words help WWL, but I do want you to know I understand, and I empathize. It's going to hurt, it's going to hurt for a long time, but not forever. Had you stayed married that would have been a hurt that DID last forever because the damage done was insurmountable. People in my family have had marriages like that, broken beyond repair but still they stayed together until death did they part. What a miserable way to spend decades of this one and only precious gift of life. Please try to find some solace in the fact you won't have to live that way.
I am truly sorry you are feeling so broken. I'll never forget that feeling, but I do promise you, it won't always feel like this.
Deeep, deep breaths my friend.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Small but mighty gave some pretty sage advice, IMHO, and I found her words to pretty much be my case going thru my own divorce. Aside from the death of a child or spouse, I think it's probably the hardest thing any human being has to endure. And in some ways it's worse. It's a long road, but you will get to a place where you feel human and sane again. Time will do what it does and take you there, if you let it. I've been there and I know what you're going thru. You will make it. There are days that you will doubt, but it will happen. In the meantime, be good to yourself and reach out when you need help. No one had to go thru things like this alone. Peace to you. It will get better.
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qoodlandlost------I really admire that you are using all the self help techniques that you are doing. It really does help to get a person from minute to minute---day to day------while the Grief does it's work.
I have been there, also. I recognize and remember the feelings that you are talking about. Man, did I cry! I cried a lot. The tears really helped me, when nothing else seemed to.
I know that men are often taught not to dry---and I think that is so wrong. Most of us women are "allowed" to do what Nature intended. Why would Mother Nature give us the equipment if we were not supposed to use it---if it did not help us survive? I support you pounding the walls---and scrieaming out to the Universe. That is very close to an actual exercise that I used during my hours of worst despair. I would let everything i n my heart come pouring out---without editing any of it. Raw and Real. Actually, this is a ritual of grieving that is a part of some religions---it is called the "Wailing Wall".
lol---just try to do it when there is no audience watching. It did give me relief.
That which you call your "inner judge"----I have called "self talk". It is a really big---big---thing. Especially the negative self talk. Mush of what we tell ourselves are just great big lies. Lies that we may have been told--messages that we recieved when we were growing up---that we believed and internalized. In fact we internalize them so much that we are hardly aware of that voice talking to us---kind of like white noise---always in the background.
The thing is that these false and negative ideas can hobble us and torture us needlessly.
Just so that you know---there are a lot of books on amazon.com about "Self Talk"....and there are negative self talk workbooks, also.
You might find them very useful to you, about now.
I really liked "smallbutmighty's" reply to you. Everything that she says is so true.
I have been there, also. I recognize and remember the feelings that you are talking about. Man, did I cry! I cried a lot. The tears really helped me, when nothing else seemed to.
I know that men are often taught not to dry---and I think that is so wrong. Most of us women are "allowed" to do what Nature intended. Why would Mother Nature give us the equipment if we were not supposed to use it---if it did not help us survive? I support you pounding the walls---and scrieaming out to the Universe. That is very close to an actual exercise that I used during my hours of worst despair. I would let everything i n my heart come pouring out---without editing any of it. Raw and Real. Actually, this is a ritual of grieving that is a part of some religions---it is called the "Wailing Wall".
lol---just try to do it when there is no audience watching. It did give me relief.
That which you call your "inner judge"----I have called "self talk". It is a really big---big---thing. Especially the negative self talk. Mush of what we tell ourselves are just great big lies. Lies that we may have been told--messages that we recieved when we were growing up---that we believed and internalized. In fact we internalize them so much that we are hardly aware of that voice talking to us---kind of like white noise---always in the background.
The thing is that these false and negative ideas can hobble us and torture us needlessly.
Just so that you know---there are a lot of books on amazon.com about "Self Talk"....and there are negative self talk workbooks, also.
You might find them very useful to you, about now.
I really liked "smallbutmighty's" reply to you. Everything that she says is so true.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi woodandlost. Well I haven't been through what you are going through (and hopefully never will) but it sounds horribly painful and I'm so sorry you are going through that.
I have been divorced twice. Both were amicable enough I suppose (in some ways not). I was scared and sad but I think perhaps I'm not as sentimental as some people. While, especially in my first divorce, things changed and fast - he moved out after 2 weeks, the house was sold, we have a child so there was that too, sold the house, I moved to an apartment before buying a new house and on and on. It was a big shift in my life, we had been married a long time.
I never really pondered being alone, I mean I either am or I'm not, either way I'm ok with myself, generally : ).
Anyway, that's me and my kind-of-outlook and I bring it up because I hope you know this can be different. You're still fighting this I think and I also think that is where a lot of the pain comes from. I heard Oprah say one time (and I'm not an oprah groupie btw) - "Make the decision and the rest will follow". It might be helpful for you to stop fighting and just make the decision? This is what has happened, now what do I need to do. Do what you have to do. The rest will inevitably follow and I suspect it's going to be much happier and much more worthwhile than your self talk is telling you right now.
You have suffered enough don't you think? This marriage in recent times has brought you nothing but frustration and unhappiness, let it go (and for the record I'm not saying don't feel your feelings, just hope a different perspective might be helpful), there are better things waiting for you.
Nothing and I mean absolutely nothing can take your happy memories away from you.
I have been divorced twice. Both were amicable enough I suppose (in some ways not). I was scared and sad but I think perhaps I'm not as sentimental as some people. While, especially in my first divorce, things changed and fast - he moved out after 2 weeks, the house was sold, we have a child so there was that too, sold the house, I moved to an apartment before buying a new house and on and on. It was a big shift in my life, we had been married a long time.
I never really pondered being alone, I mean I either am or I'm not, either way I'm ok with myself, generally : ).
Anyway, that's me and my kind-of-outlook and I bring it up because I hope you know this can be different. You're still fighting this I think and I also think that is where a lot of the pain comes from. I heard Oprah say one time (and I'm not an oprah groupie btw) - "Make the decision and the rest will follow". It might be helpful for you to stop fighting and just make the decision? This is what has happened, now what do I need to do. Do what you have to do. The rest will inevitably follow and I suspect it's going to be much happier and much more worthwhile than your self talk is telling you right now.
You have suffered enough don't you think? This marriage in recent times has brought you nothing but frustration and unhappiness, let it go (and for the record I'm not saying don't feel your feelings, just hope a different perspective might be helpful), there are better things waiting for you.
Nothing and I mean absolutely nothing can take your happy memories away from you.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Thank you,
I truly respect what you all have said and I know it comes from real experience, so it is even more valuable, meaningful and believable, Right now, I don't believe I can make it thru. I am exhausted and want to lay down for a while. I know I can take a lot before I go down for the count. I have remained standing after everything I have been thru...why can't I just keep standing? Call it fear I guess. The fear of what lurks around the corner, the next email attachment from my lawyer, the days' I don't get to see my daughter, the loss of my home. I feel like a bunch of bowling pins, having watched the ball roll at me in slow motion. I don't know if I can survive the impact. I guess knowing you good people made it, is evidence I can do it. I am still scared as heck.
I truly respect what you all have said and I know it comes from real experience, so it is even more valuable, meaningful and believable, Right now, I don't believe I can make it thru. I am exhausted and want to lay down for a while. I know I can take a lot before I go down for the count. I have remained standing after everything I have been thru...why can't I just keep standing? Call it fear I guess. The fear of what lurks around the corner, the next email attachment from my lawyer, the days' I don't get to see my daughter, the loss of my home. I feel like a bunch of bowling pins, having watched the ball roll at me in slow motion. I don't know if I can survive the impact. I guess knowing you good people made it, is evidence I can do it. I am still scared as heck.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by woodlandlost 
Thank you,
I truly respect what you all have said and I know it comes from real experience, so it is even more valuable, meaningful and believable, Right now, I don't believe I can make it thru. I am exhausted and want to lay down for a while. I know I can take a lot before I go down for the count. I have remained standing after everything I have been thru...why can't I just keep standing? Call it fear I guess. The fear of what lurks around the corner, the next email attachment from my lawyer, the days' I don't get to see my daughter, the loss of my home. I feel like a bunch of bowling pins, having watched the ball roll at me in slow motion. I don't know if I can survive the impact. I guess knowing you good people made it, is evidence I can do it. I am still scared as heck.
I truly respect what you all have said and I know it comes from real experience, so it is even more valuable, meaningful and believable, Right now, I don't believe I can make it thru. I am exhausted and want to lay down for a while. I know I can take a lot before I go down for the count. I have remained standing after everything I have been thru...why can't I just keep standing? Call it fear I guess. The fear of what lurks around the corner, the next email attachment from my lawyer, the days' I don't get to see my daughter, the loss of my home. I feel like a bunch of bowling pins, having watched the ball roll at me in slow motion. I don't know if I can survive the impact. I guess knowing you good people made it, is evidence I can do it. I am still scared as heck.
Things that helped, talking it out with family, they have your back. Being "normal", going to get groceries, cooking dinner. I played music loudly in my living room and danced (sorry neighbours) and sang. I cleaned. I kept myself busy, not even necessarily on purpose but I think I had a lot of nervous energy. I reconnected with a single (female) friend and we went out dancing a few times. I cleaned some more.
What I didn't do was focus on the negatives. If I had, I would have never left. Those negatives become kind of irrelevant. I had to leave my house and move to an apartment. That's not fun! But, I chose a nice apartment and I got organized. You know, it helps to focus on good things. You aren't losing your child, you will now get to spend good quality time with her without all the negative noise in the background. You won't be living in that house but you might be quite content where you end up. I chose an apartment with a beautiful view over the city, surrounded by trees and with a walking path along the ridge right in front of me. What do you need in your next place?
You don't have to argue anymore. No one will be yelling at you and questioning your worth. You will start to feel better about yourself. It will surprise you how much better you feel.
If you are hungry, eat right away, if you are tired, rest. Listen to yourself, that will help.
If you feel un-grounded, go outside, look at the sky and trees and walk around a bit. The sky will still be there tomorrow. so will the trees, it helps to remember that.
You also absolutely will not always feel like this. How long can you hold it together, as long as you can. If you get to the edge, call for help, yes, even an ambulance if needed, don't hesitate, there is no shame in asking for help, there are people to help.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Woodlandlost, I would like to add, please stop putting so much weight on the words your AXW says to you. I realize she may be(?) sober but she is not in recovery if she continues to blame you for everything that went wrong in your marriage. The fact she shoulders no blame for her addictions, drunk behaviour and affairs is beyond the pale. It really speaks volumes about her "recovery" (or lack there of). Her words still rip you apart , and I understand why, but they shouldn't. Those are false statements spoken by a an unhealthy woman who is trying to hurt you. (I dealt with a lot of this from my AXH as well during our breaking up phase and separation. It really sucks to hear that kind of vitriol come from the person who used to proclaim their love for you, the other parent to your child(ren)...it's absolutely gutting) Take back your power and please stop listening to her when she speaks to you like that. You don't have to deflect it right back at her, you can simply step aside, let those words sail past and not pummel your already beaten down soul. You know the truth and she is not speaking it. Don't pay any mind to words you know are false. Just like Dandy said, you DO need to be careful how you talk to yourself, but you also get to decide what you listen to from other people, especially unrecovered addicts.
I know you are exhausted, that's another reason not to give any of your precious energy to anything that does not serve you. ( Like a vindictive ex who is trying to blame you and cause you even more pain... she's done enough of that already)
Hang in there my friend, keep talking to us as much as you need to. *hugs*
I know you are exhausted, that's another reason not to give any of your precious energy to anything that does not serve you. ( Like a vindictive ex who is trying to blame you and cause you even more pain... she's done enough of that already)
Hang in there my friend, keep talking to us as much as you need to. *hugs*
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
I understand and feel your pain, Woodlandlost. You are a couple of steps in front of me, but I’m almost certain divorce is in my future. OMG, it’s so SCARY and HEARTBREAKING.
I’ve walked on eggshells too long, ignored his addictions, temper tantrums but it was easier than doing the divorce thing.
Despite having a couple of severe panic attacks, I’m holding on—waiting for the next bomb he’s going to drop on me.
But today, I got MAD, got out of bed, went to exercise and am seeing a counselor tomorrow. Must start thinking about a lawyer ASAP.
Anyway, reading your posts have been helpful to me. THANK YOU.
I’ve walked on eggshells too long, ignored his addictions, temper tantrums but it was easier than doing the divorce thing.
Despite having a couple of severe panic attacks, I’m holding on—waiting for the next bomb he’s going to drop on me.
But today, I got MAD, got out of bed, went to exercise and am seeing a counselor tomorrow. Must start thinking about a lawyer ASAP.
Anyway, reading your posts have been helpful to me. THANK YOU.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Hi All,
It is sooooooo nice to have a sounding board. SmallBMighty, thank you again, you know all to well how embroiled I am with her and ya, I was really feeling the impact of her words on me. And Trail, I want to stop dwelling on the negative. I know I am wired to see the worst case scenario....I have been doing that for years. It has not done me any good, I know that. Sometimes I did it, thinking it could keep me safe, or at least prepare me for the next zinger. But that isn't something I should be taking with me into the next half of life. I can at best say that I will still be highly cautious...but strangely enuf, I was pretty reckless, staying in such a situation was reckless. Geeze that just opened up a can of worms. But reality check, had I not lived in the crazy world of alcoholism, I wonder if I would have acted reckless to begin with? Who knows?!
Zevin. I am so sorry to hear you are where you are at too. I am going to read some of your threads and see what I can learn from you. All I can say is that until I saw the paperwork and the implications of payments, house sale, bla, bla it was a tsunami. Divorce is a progressive disease (ha ha). It starts with your relationship blowing up, that hurts, the limbo of not knowing what to do (that hurts), seeing a lawyer (that is scary), making the decision (hard!!) and the follow thru (the scary unknown). But like smallbutmighty said, all are phases and they act as stepping stones...I have to believe that. I hope for you that this is the correct decision for you and that you have awesome support. I have to say that I am amazed by even some of my own family, who just say to suck it up and that it will get better. I know they want me to be ok, but there is nothing quite like being in the company of someone who has been here, in this muck. It is validating, real and comforting. Pretty sure I will be posting again tonight. Feels better than stewing over what might happen.
It is sooooooo nice to have a sounding board. SmallBMighty, thank you again, you know all to well how embroiled I am with her and ya, I was really feeling the impact of her words on me. And Trail, I want to stop dwelling on the negative. I know I am wired to see the worst case scenario....I have been doing that for years. It has not done me any good, I know that. Sometimes I did it, thinking it could keep me safe, or at least prepare me for the next zinger. But that isn't something I should be taking with me into the next half of life. I can at best say that I will still be highly cautious...but strangely enuf, I was pretty reckless, staying in such a situation was reckless. Geeze that just opened up a can of worms. But reality check, had I not lived in the crazy world of alcoholism, I wonder if I would have acted reckless to begin with? Who knows?!
Zevin. I am so sorry to hear you are where you are at too. I am going to read some of your threads and see what I can learn from you. All I can say is that until I saw the paperwork and the implications of payments, house sale, bla, bla it was a tsunami. Divorce is a progressive disease (ha ha). It starts with your relationship blowing up, that hurts, the limbo of not knowing what to do (that hurts), seeing a lawyer (that is scary), making the decision (hard!!) and the follow thru (the scary unknown). But like smallbutmighty said, all are phases and they act as stepping stones...I have to believe that. I hope for you that this is the correct decision for you and that you have awesome support. I have to say that I am amazed by even some of my own family, who just say to suck it up and that it will get better. I know they want me to be ok, but there is nothing quite like being in the company of someone who has been here, in this muck. It is validating, real and comforting. Pretty sure I will be posting again tonight. Feels better than stewing over what might happen.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by woodlandlost
And Trail, I want to stop dwelling on the negative. I know I am wired to see the worst case scenario....I have been doing that for years. It has not done me any good, I know that. Sometimes I did it, thinking it could keep me safe, or at least prepare me for the next zinger. But that isn't something I should be taking with me into the next half of life. I can at best say that I will still be highly cautious
Sometimes I did it, thinking it could keep me safe, or at least prepare me for the next zinger.
Fear, compulsion, lots of things can play in to this, OCD even. You know, maybe you should talk to someone about it, you might find the solution is much easier than you think?
Just rambling here lol
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Hi Trail,
I do believe what you are saying. I used to do that, "STOP" thing. I think it actually helped and then I stopped doing it and made excuses like, if you do that, all I am doing is ignoring stuff, and that can't be good either. I tell you, this re-starting your life thing is really difficult!
I do believe what you are saying. I used to do that, "STOP" thing. I think it actually helped and then I stopped doing it and made excuses like, if you do that, all I am doing is ignoring stuff, and that can't be good either. I tell you, this re-starting your life thing is really difficult!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by woodlandlost
Hi Trail,
I do believe what you are saying. I used to do that, "STOP" thing. I think it actually helped and then I stopped doing it and made excuses like, if you do that, all I am doing is ignoring stuff, and that can't be good either. I tell you, this re-starting your life thing is really difficult!
I do believe what you are saying. I used to do that, "STOP" thing. I think it actually helped and then I stopped doing it and made excuses like, if you do that, all I am doing is ignoring stuff, and that can't be good either. I tell you, this re-starting your life thing is really difficult!
So instead of saying omg that was stupid of me, you think, well that was a mistake! Won't be doing that again. So instead of labelling yourself as "stupid" you are just admitting you made a mistake and you will do better next time - which is actually the truth! You aren't stupid but you made a mistake - onward!
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Please do not take what your ex says to heart! I am divorced from my 1st husband and now a widow. Neither situation is easy or fun or life-affirming. But one thing I learned is that my ex husband would say anything to make the divorce all my fault--even though he is the one who had an affair and he is the one who filed for a divorce.
Assuming that your wife is still drinking, she will never accept her role in all this--unless and until she does. And that may be never. That doesn't mean that any accusation she hurls at you is true. It's just her alcoholic brain looking for excuses to be a victim and keep drinking.
Please take good care of your sweet daughter and yourself. You both deserve a peaceful and drama-free life
Assuming that your wife is still drinking, she will never accept her role in all this--unless and until she does. And that may be never. That doesn't mean that any accusation she hurls at you is true. It's just her alcoholic brain looking for excuses to be a victim and keep drinking.
Please take good care of your sweet daughter and yourself. You both deserve a peaceful and drama-free life
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Good morning you lovely people, thanks for the encouragement thru last night. I will try, try to keep letting the negative tapes run. As I sat in my car this am, I look at what I have allowed myself to do for the last 22 months. I have allowed myself to suffer and agonize and worry and fret (this was all just post the heart-wrenching breakup) and the years prior of the alcohol drama. How much much more do I want to let this noise in!!!! It is going to be hard to drop it, but I realize if I don't, this could literally kill me with all the stress it causes me. Today I will try to consider the slogan, first things first which for me is to be patient and gentle with my daughter, kind and gentle with myself.
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 143
Woodlandlost, I want to recognize your pain, fear, and sadness -- but also your tremendous determination to get through this. You are going to succeed -- and there is so much good out there just patiently waiting for you to turn the corner and see it. I can see it for you already.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
That's great to hear. Yes, kind to yourself is so important. You'll get there and it won't be as hard as you think it will. This is going to be a teeny bit of a roller coaster, feelings change from hour to hour or day to day, that's why it's so important to have that self care and kindness, so you can always be on the best possible footing. If you allow yourself to get over stressed, over tired, hungry, well you know the result, which brings to mind!
H.A.L.T.
When things start to roller coaster and are getting on top of you, it can help to stop for a minute and ask, am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? These things can be addressed as soon as possible and will help you stay on a more even keel.
You are sounding strong. You are you know, what you have just written, all you have been through and managed to keep on keeping on. As dandylion often says (paraphrasing), if you have the strength to live with an alcoholic you can absolutely do this.
H.A.L.T.
When things start to roller coaster and are getting on top of you, it can help to stop for a minute and ask, am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? These things can be addressed as soon as possible and will help you stay on a more even keel.
You are sounding strong. You are you know, what you have just written, all you have been through and managed to keep on keeping on. As dandylion often says (paraphrasing), if you have the strength to live with an alcoholic you can absolutely do this.
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