No contact with my mother

Old 11-12-2020, 05:48 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 19
No contact with my mother

I have just said to my mother that I will go no contact with her. She is an alcoholic and also I am trying to be in recovery from addictions. I'm in my 50's so there has been codependency between us for a long time. I feel remorse about how angry I have been with my mother but I guess that has been part of an addiction / codependency relationship.

Also I sort of wondered if anybody would mind if I talked about codependency here? I'm thinking of going to meetings of al anon and coda but I can find meetings too intense emotionally.
Heather400 is offline  
Old 11-12-2020, 07:00 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
SparkleKitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,448
Please do. I am recovering from codependency as well, and was No Contact with my alcoholic mother for long stretches during the years before she passed.
SparkleKitty is offline  
Old 11-12-2020, 08:10 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
SmallButMighty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Yes, please do speak about codependency here. So many of us have or are struggling with it, it's something we need to talk about.

I also struggle with my mother. While neither of us are substance abusers, we both suffer from codependency. I've worked hard to change that aspect of myself, unlike my mother who is so deeply entrenched in her addiction of codependency that I don't think she will ever climb out of that pit. It makes things very difficult between us. Just last night we had a "thing" over text/email..at least I didn't have to see or hear the dramatics since it was all typed. *sigh*

A while back many of us here had a lengthy discussion about codependency, if you are interested: Struggling with My Codependent Mother

I'm glad you are here Heather, I know how hard the mother daughter relationship can be. ( Not only do I have a mum, I also have a 26yr old daughter...)
SmallButMighty is offline  
Old 11-13-2020, 09:33 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 19
I've just had a phone call from my mother. I have felt very angry, very heartbroken and a bit anxious today. In the phone call my mother said she was ringing me as she was a caring person ( I guess to say that I wasn't ) and wanted to check I'm alright .she sounded angry and she was sarcastic about something I said ( that I had spoken to someone to pray with). Now i feel upset, angry ( how dare she say I'm not caring) and some shock.

I'm not in a good place but thank you Sparklekitty and Smallbutmighty. I cried when I looked at your posts. I did have a look at the thread and I could see both myself and my mother in the thread. I can see myself as the codependent in other relationships i have had as well ( a best friend who drank more than i did) and an ex boyfriend who was struggling to give up. I'm so sorry now for how I have been - I don't know if I have been self-righteous but i am and have been very controlling - don't want to be but that is how I am now.
I feel shaken and scared of what is to come.


Heather400 is offline  
Old 11-13-2020, 09:44 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 19
I'm guessing now I shouldn't have said to my mother I would go no contact with her. It seemed to come out of the conversation we had. There is more I want to apologise to my mother for but our relationship has seemed to be more difficult over the last three years as I think she needs support for living and was pulling me in to help with her housing. But then I was pulling her in to help with my anxiety and stress I have tried to help her with her housing but felt exhausted last year and felt I couldn't give anymore.

Sorry if this is ranting. I feel upset now so think I needed to write this. Life seems so hard but I'm trying to do right things.
Heather400 is offline  
Old 11-13-2020, 11:28 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Heather----I am sure that you love your mother, but I can imagine that she can be very difficult to deal with , as you say that she is an alcoholic---and, alcoholics are usually not easy to deal with---and, being the daughter makes it even more complicated.
I will point out that we only need to apologize for things that we feel that we did in the wrong. If we truly feel that we were wrong and if we are truly sorry.

I have a couple of suggestions for you---I suggest two things for you to read, as I think they will resonate with you, a lot.
I din't know if you can order books from amazon.com, in your country---but, you can look them up on amazon.com, in the book section--and, read the reviews---and then get them through the local library in your country.
1. "Co-dependent No More"----it is easy to read, and it is the most recommended book on this forum.
2. There is an organizaton called "Adult Children of Alcoholics" (ACOA). You certainly qualify---as your mother is an alcoholic. I suggest that you get their literature---look it up on amazon. You can also get their "Big Book". At least, read all of their literature. I believe that this will really open your eyes as to the dynamics of many of the things that are going on between you and your mother.

Children of alcoholic parents very frequently have trouble with boundaries----because the alcoholism really messes with boundaries. The books that I recommended will help with this alxo.

don't beat up on yourself too much. You won't be the first daughter who has h ad a quarrel with their mother/ It happens even to the best of us---;lol. It won't be the end of the world.......I promise.
dandylion is offline  
Old 11-14-2020, 04:02 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
SmallButMighty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Heather, I hope you are still here. I am sorry I didn't respond again sooner. I am travelling and not able to log in here as much as I would normally.

I know how exhausted you are feeling. I also know how hard it is to have to confront a parent about their behavior, while at the same time examining your own behavior and not loving what you see. Sister, I have been there. It is about as uncomfortable as a person can get.

If you need a place to "rant" this is the place to do it. Nobody here minds when people need to get their "stuff" off their chest. That's a big part of what we are here for. We get it.

Be gentle with yourself. Many, if not most of us here, grew up in dynamics that set us up to be a bit flawed in our thinking. The important thing is that we are here striving to learn and make different choices. I do hope you will continue to hang out here with us. *hugs*
SmallButMighty is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:30 AM.