Worried5

My husband (I’ve been with almost 19 years) got blackout drunk a couple months ago. Some
girl flirted with him and they kissed. He only remembers bits and pieces. He also contacted her a week later and asked her to come see him, he said he just wanted somebody to drink with. He has stopped his antidepressant that he had been on for 3 years during this time as well. He was out of town for work when this happened. He was home on weekends. Both events were Thursday nights. The Friday after the second meeting I found texts from her saying “I want you so bad why can’t I have you” and he hadn’t replied. And she had sent a nude prior to that text as well that he did not reply to. He is back on meds and has stopped drinking but won’t go to counseling. He started drinking right before the antidepressants he had never really drank before that. He started drinking because a coworker and I were flirty and I got too close to said coworker. That happened in 2007 but he found out in 2017. I had quit that job several years ago. So I feel responsible for all of this but also lost on what to do or how to move past it all.

SparkleKitty

You are not responsible for how someone else deals with difficult or uncomfortable feelings. Ever. Under any circumstances. He had many choices for how to deal with it. He chose drinking.

You obviously have some things to work on in your marriage--moving past resentments and boundaries around other people, etc. He also seems to have things to work on regarding his depression and drinking. Those are two separate efforts. It's a good first step that he has stopped drinking and restarted his medication, but refusing to go to counseling or do anything else to address the root issues behind the drinking isn't great. However, there is nothing for you to "do" about that. His recovery, or lack thereof, is up to him.

You need to decide what you want in a partner and whether or not your husband fits the bill--just as he is, here and now. But the responsibility you feel for how he reacted to what you did in 2007 is misplaced and doesn't need to be a factor in determining your boundaries and what you can live with.

Worried5

Thank you. Aside from recent events he’s a good man and great father. I think he’s scared of counseling in a way. His childhood was a mess. Abusive alcoholic father and such. And he’s not much of a talker. I will bring up other therapy options and pray I mean as much to him as he does to me. I think I do. Thank you for your perspective. It really was helpful.

SparkleKitty

Just be careful with this line of thinking. It's not you vs. him, it's him vs. the drinking (and all that goes with it, including his miserable childhood and fear of talking about it). Recovery isn't really an option until he can find the courage to face what got him there in the first place.

FallenAngelina

Your husband started drinking because he chose (or felt compelled) to drink. Nothing you or anyone does can make someone drink. If that were true, then we could also make them not drink and of course, nobody can make another stop drinking. You did not cause his drinking problem, no matter what you did. It's impossible to cause a drinking problem for another person.

Sleepyhollo

He’s afraid of counseling because it will make him face his issues and that is tough. And also excuse he isn’t ready to actually quit drinking for real. The stopping drinking with pout professional help is almost never successful. My now ex tried several times. The last time it lasted 13 months but our life wasn’t any better because he was still depressed and grumpy and tired because he no longer had his one coping skill. Ha also had all sort of excuses to why he couldn’t do AA (his profession and knowing a lot of people in town, not being able to go out of town because of work etc). Once he actually went to rehab and was really ready to quit for himself he no longer had any hesitation going to local AA meetings and he went to a lot of them. Excuses will go away once they are ready to quit for themselves, until then it is just trying to humor friends and family for a while until he relapses again more than likely.
marriage counseling won’t be helpful until he is actually sober for a while. And once you do go to counseling chances are they will recommend individual counseling for both of you anyway.

if you aren’t already doing counseling yourself I would recommend it. I wish I would’ve started long before I hit rock bottom and my now ex went to rehab. It probably wouldn’t have changed the outcome but I probably would’ve been less stressed while he was busy drinking