when should I tell him?
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: somewhere north
Posts: 3
when should I tell him?
again, I'm going to try my best to write something clear, but writing in a second language is an other level versus reading it like i have been doing on this forum for a few years.
i want to make sure that my boyfriend (23 years together) understands that we won't be together after his 45 day-therapy even if he changes. He left abruptly with the police on wednesday night, was charged under voies de faits? and menace? (I don,t know the words in english , it's matters of spousal violence) and wasn't allowed to communicate with me directly or indirectly since then.
Should I write a letter now (can I?) since he is in therapy, he could get used to the idea and i think it would be safer for me when he comes out. Or should I not interfere with his therapy since he has to focus on his alcoholism?
I feel guilty about this, because it's like not giving him a last chance to see if he can change but really, I have no hope. And the most important thing, I don't love him. plain and simple truth. I hope he will change because he is the father of our children but no, never again, it's enough for me. I'm afraid that if I wait when he comes out , I will fall under his influence (intimidation? manipulation?) again. I feel coward, like I don't want to face him and tell him looking in his eyes.
The worst thing is also that I feel cheap because a friend who tried to help us throught the years told me that he's been in love with me for 20 years. I knew but always believed that he would keep it inside .(It would have been the best thing). I'm in love with this kind person too but was committed to my family. (it's my values, i am not catholic and don't believe in god) I'm so vulnerable and stressed , I'm so affection-starved that I'm going to put myself in more trouble soon ,believe me it has begun. It's like throwing a match in a barn.
I feel bad about myself but want to say it's over now even if bf already has a lot to deal in therapy now.
please help me by sharing your thoughts. I'm respectful of all opinions.
i want to make sure that my boyfriend (23 years together) understands that we won't be together after his 45 day-therapy even if he changes. He left abruptly with the police on wednesday night, was charged under voies de faits? and menace? (I don,t know the words in english , it's matters of spousal violence) and wasn't allowed to communicate with me directly or indirectly since then.
Should I write a letter now (can I?) since he is in therapy, he could get used to the idea and i think it would be safer for me when he comes out. Or should I not interfere with his therapy since he has to focus on his alcoholism?
I feel guilty about this, because it's like not giving him a last chance to see if he can change but really, I have no hope. And the most important thing, I don't love him. plain and simple truth. I hope he will change because he is the father of our children but no, never again, it's enough for me. I'm afraid that if I wait when he comes out , I will fall under his influence (intimidation? manipulation?) again. I feel coward, like I don't want to face him and tell him looking in his eyes.
The worst thing is also that I feel cheap because a friend who tried to help us throught the years told me that he's been in love with me for 20 years. I knew but always believed that he would keep it inside .(It would have been the best thing). I'm in love with this kind person too but was committed to my family. (it's my values, i am not catholic and don't believe in god) I'm so vulnerable and stressed , I'm so affection-starved that I'm going to put myself in more trouble soon ,believe me it has begun. It's like throwing a match in a barn.
I feel bad about myself but want to say it's over now even if bf already has a lot to deal in therapy now.
please help me by sharing your thoughts. I'm respectful of all opinions.
Last edited by ancolie; 12-05-2004 at 04:14 PM. Reason: error
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Ancolie,
If you are determined to leave and it sounds as tho you are, I personally think a letter is a bad idea. However you do it, whether in person or by letter, I would tell the therapist ahead of time so your BF can receive the proper support.
Hugs and luck,
JT
If you are determined to leave and it sounds as tho you are, I personally think a letter is a bad idea. However you do it, whether in person or by letter, I would tell the therapist ahead of time so your BF can receive the proper support.
Hugs and luck,
JT
Member
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
I agree with JT. Talk to his therapist and see how they suggest that you tell him. In person would probably be best but if you are afraid of him you might have to do it by mail or by phone. The therapist would be your best resource. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this but at least right now you are safe.
Take care,
Jo
Take care,
Jo
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: a state of insanity
Posts: 37
even if he changes will you still be in love with this other fellow? That isn't fair to any of you. If you are sure you want it over make sure you protect yourself if telling him in person....good luck to you
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