InfraredRoses

I have this friend I really connected with over Facebook. We are apart of a group on FB, and I friended him because we shared so many similar qualities. We really connected and had a lot more in common than we thought. He really respected me and I respected him. I noticed he is very private though, and he would say things such as "You're an angel, and that's coming from a pessimistic alcoholic". So, I knew he was an alcoholic. He is always saying I am "too pure for the world", and always saying how kind, angelic, and pretty I am. He comments on almost all of my posts and says kind things or funny comments because he is a funny guy. He really holds me to a high regard, it seemed. Even my friends said he seems to put me on a "pedestal". I have been surrounded by addiction my whole life, without me being one. I briefly interned to be a drug and alcohol counselor. I have some knowledge on what to do, but not enough. We really bonded. He lives on the west coast and I live on the east coast. So, us meeting up isn't feasible, especially with the pandemic going on, but he said to me "If you ever come here, I would be stoked to meet you." I told him in time I would make my way to the west coast since I have some friends that moved there, and I was planning on traveling there until Covid happened.

I made it very clear to him that he can come to me about anything. He seems open to a certain point about his life. Well, I noticed he didn't post anything in a week and it ended up from what I gathered in his posts that he almost died. He said he had a seizure, and he is never drinking again. I messaged him a couple of days later to give him my blessings, that I am sorry for what happened to him, and to let him know I am here for him, and that I am a message away, etc. I also let him know I have some background in Drug and Alcohol counseling, and I know about it just growing up with it, and being surrounded by it. He gave me a quick but very kind reply back, and I replied back, then he just left me on "read".

He has been posting positive things about his recovery and saying stuff such as "Meeting number 2 down! Feeling good." I was happy for him, but when I commented he gave me a nice but quick reply back. I feel he doesn't like me anymore which is what I feared when he told me he was a "pessimistic alcoholic". I asked him why he thought that, and to elaborate, and he never did. I don't know if it's just part of the process and the trauma he is going through from almost dying why he isn't really engaging with me? I would gather my own reasonable knowledge if I wasn't so emotionally involved, I think. I want him to open up to me, so I can understand better, and also help him. But it seems I'm just bothering him, so I'm not even engaging with him anymore because I'm thinking he might need his space to process and concentrate on his sobriety. I really thought out of all the people, I'd be one he would be very detailed with since I am not a drug user, have knowledge of drug and alcohol from school, and I have personal experience with it from friends and family members. I thought by telling him that, it would make him feel more "comfortable" to be open to me about his addiction and recovery. However, since that didn't happen and he hasn't talked to me, I feel he just doesn't like me nor care for me. I may be wrong, but I am looking for advice on what to do. It's hurting me because I want to help so bad, but I'm not going to push it. I care for him and looked at him as a true friend and he was someone that treated me with respect. We had beautiful convos.

Because I'm emotionally involved I'm thinking it is me. It may be, it may not be. I don't know how to take his distance. He almost died and that is extremely heartbreaking and serious. I knew something was wrong when he stopped posting funny videos of himself for a week. So I was thinking about messaging him to see if he was ok. Then, that's when he put out a post about how he almost died and is getting sober. I just don't know what to do? I care about him and I am really drawn to him, I let him know I am a safe person to talk to without judgment, and our convos are always confidential, but I reassured him it will always be, and yet he is just non engaging and pushing me away. I feel so selfish to even be taking offense at this, but I think it's more of a sense of if he truly doesn't like me is the issue. Not the focusing on his recovery and being distant for that reason. He needs to, but if I am not cared for then I need to have no contact as in not even seeing his profile because I am so emotionally drawn to him. I am invested in our friendship, even though we never met. I really liked him. So, what would you do? What should I do? Because it truly hurts me, not only what he is going through, but also my position with him seems even more "stranger like", almost like I'm not important enough in his life to tell his issues to. Or I could be taking this all wrong. But it also hurts for the fact that he almost died and was in the hospital for 7 days because of it. I am heart sick over all of this. What should I do? I hope I don't sound selfish. Thank you and blessings to you all.

dandylion

InfraredRoses------to answer your question---I say to back way, way, way, off. Internet "relationships-" are not the same as real life relationships. I am going to remind you that, in reality, you don't even KNOW this guy. You have no proof that this person is even who he says that he is. He could be a Catfish for all you know----after all, this sort of thing happens all of the time. .
No, you don't sound "selfish" to me---but, you do sound like someone who is practically asking for a dysfunctional relationship.
Trying to be someone's armchair therapist---especially for an addiction---is dysfunctional in nature---He has AA and his other professional helpers. They aren't as emotionaly entangled as you already are. They can be objective, where you can't. Being generally supportive and putting the bird with a broken wing under your wing, by force, are two different things.

I think it would be better for you to invest less of yourself into internet relationships---and get your emotional needs met by real life friendships and connections.

InfraredRoses

Hello! Nice to meet you! I agree with you. I feel the word "relationship" is so strong to describe a friendship. I'm very odd, I look at the word "relationship" as something romantic, and physical. I felt we had a very good virtual friendship. He definitely is not a catfish because he posts live vids of himself. Like I said in my post, he is a funny guy, and works from home because of the pandemic, so he is always posting funny entertaining vids of himself that are quite comical. That's why I was worried when he didn't post in a week. I was thinking about messaging him to see if he was ok. Then, he made a post the next day explaining vaguely his situation. I think I was drawn to his innocent and funny personality he projected. He checks out as a real person, and has tagged photos of him and friends.

However, I understand what you mean, anybody can definitely be anything behind a screen, but he I felt he was truly authentic. He never was extremely over the top with me, or phony, or flirty in such a way it was unrealistic. He was always pretty straight forward, respectful, and kind. But it's hard for me to just forget about this person I formed a very good friendship with. He was very kind and respectful towards me, and that's something I barely get from guys. They always turn the convo to a sexual one and I liked how he never did that and was just always kind. I know what you mean about me being an arm chair therapist and too emotionally involved. But I was trained to shut off my emotions in my training. I'm just more upset because I don't know if it's a situation where he is now sober, and thinking how much he regrets talking to me, so he wants me to fade away? Because I shadowed for a counselor that counseled addicts, and mostly all had different feelings towards the people in their life regardless of their title, if they were their mother, father, girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, kid (s), friends, uncles, grandparent (s), random people, etc. I would say about 95% had a change of heart once they became sober. So, I fear I am falling prey to that. I am hurt if that's the case, if he is regretting even forming a virtual friendship with me, and saying all of those kind things to me. Even though it wasn't disrespectful or weird, but maybe in his eyes it was "too kind", and he is thinking "Why did I do that?" That's what I more fear of since that is very common with recovering addicts. However, I'm not offended if it's a situation where it has nothing to do with me, and he is just solely focusing on being alive, healthy, and well.

Thank you for your insight, but I just wanted to make things more clear. I appreciate it. Blessings.

dandylion

InfraredRoses-----I am hearing what you say. I think that, in any kind of relationship---whether it be interned or real life face to face---we have to manage our emotional boundaries.
I am wondering if, as you say----that you have been surrounded by addicts all of your life----if, it h as not messed with your own emotional boundaries in a negative way. This is very, very common with children who have grown up in an atmosphere of alcoholism.
I suggest that you might appreciate the literature of the group "Adult Children of Alcoholics" You can get their Big Book and their literature in the book section of amazon.com.
Just google "Adult Children of Alcoholics" in the book section. I think that a lot of it might resonate with you.

trailmix

Hi InfraredRoses, glad you found SR.

I see a few things in your post. You may well be right that he is backing away from you, but perhaps not for the reason you mentioned of being sorry he told you anything. It could be that he is trying for a fresh start and perhaps a lot of your relationship was him telling you his innermost thoughts and he just wants to leave that now - I'm just guessing.

Also, if he really is seeking recovery, it's very early days and the struggle to get in to recovery is real. His focus is now him and his group of supporters, whereas before I imagine many evenings were spent drinking and chatting?

I'm sure it's not because he doesn't like you personally, his feelings wouldn't have changed in a week.

One other thing I'm wondering about, he disappeared for an entire week and you didn't even message him or call him? How often did you chat? I'm just surmising if your contact was frequent and he disappeared for a week and you didn't contact him, he might be offended at that (wouldn't you be?) Again, just another guess.

Also, unless he specifically asked for your help, offering addiction counselling may not be what he wants at all, as dandylion mentioned, he has professionals for that.

FallenAngelina

Just gently pointing out that for the overwhelming majority of younger people who have only ever lived in an internet world, internet friendships and relationships are very real indeed. And valid. And people are who they portray themselves to be. Internet friendships are a way of life for many, many, many younger people and those friendships are just as fulfilling and real as any others. I'm not saying that there are no issues, but the world has changed tremendously in how people make friends. You'd be hard pressed to find anyone under 40 who has not made a really close friend with someone online.

dandylion

FallenAngel----I do appreciate your point---and, I do see that there is a role for friendly internet friendships. I just think that there can be certain dimensions of life---especially in the more intimate needs, area that an internet acquaintence cannot fulfill.
In my particular response to the OP----I suspect that she was expecting too much.

Hopeworks

Is funny and outgoing under the influence often feels terrible and uncomfortable in the sober skin they are not used to.

tongue tied, socially awkward and mia is the glib, funny, spontaneous stand up comedian.

he is probably feeling out of balance.... but this may be his authentic self....And he is probably afraid you would reject him if you came to know who he really was… They are often ego maniacs with inferiority complex’s.

just a guess...