Alcoholic Girlfriend Left Me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 19
Alcoholic Girlfriend Left Me
Hello everyone, this is my first time posting here. I'm having a hard time right now. I reached out to people around me that I love, but I feel as though I'd benefit from the opinion of someone else who had to deal with alcoholism in one form or another.
I've been dating this wonderful girl for nearly 4 years. The love of my life. She had a traumatic childhood, and it echoed throughout her life. It did not take much time for me to notice how often and how much she drank. She was 19 when we started dating. She was never violent when drunk, but she'd spiral into a very dark place at the end of the night, often having panic attacks and saying things that had me scared for her life.
She knows I have an alcoholic mother, and how important it is for me not to have my (future) kids go through that kind of thing. She promised me that she'd change. She did not, at first. I stayed by her side, because I love her. At some point, I thought that being there but not consoling her or comforting her after a night of heavy drinking would help me to not enable her drinking. I did what I thought would work. God, I did everything I could... as clumsy as I was.
She had this pattern... when something really bad would happen (which did happen twice in our relationship, both times being very bad news concerning certain scumbags in her family) she'd start acting strange. She'd drink way more, act out of character, seem absent, fill her days with chores and projects to a point that was exhausting...
The first time she started one of these phases was about a year in the relationship. She came home from the bar one night and told me that she almost cheated on me with a much older guy (40 years old) that she befriended and who worked at the same place I work at. He had enough respect and restraint to tell her that it was a bad idea. She was very drunk when it happened. She told me that she realized what she almost lost, and that she knew how much she loves me and that she'd never do that again. I was shocked. But I was also in love. I thought about it for a few days, then forgave her. A month later, she told me that she would stop drinking. She kept in contact with the guy, said that he would always only be a friend. I believed her.
So we gave away every bottle of alcohol in the apartment. I completely stopped drinking (as little as I did) and always asked guests to leave with their unfinished bottles. The apartment was sanitized, if you will. She stopped drinking for over a year. It was wonderful. She gained a healthy amount of weight and looked radiant, stunning. She had so much more energy, and every day spent with her was paradise.
Then came the second bad news. The second downward spiral. She was devastated. She did not start drinking right away. In fact, a few months passed without her touching alcohol. But she was different. Distant and slightly irritable. She was hurting, but she always hard a hard time talking about her emotions. It was almost impossible for her to do so without being drunk. Which was one of her main reasons for drinking.
Something was off. She went on a one-week vacation at a friend's cottage (I couldn't go as I had to work). When she came back, she left me. It was a total shock. I knew that she was having a hard time, but I had no clue that this would happen. Heck, a week earlier she would still wake up with that same beautiful smile, telling me how much I'm beautiful and how much she loves me. It came out of nowhere.
I begged for her to stay, obviously. I also asked her to openly admit to not loving me anymore, because only that could give me true closure and allow me to live my grief. She did not. She told me that she still loves me, physically, sexually and mentally, as she did since the first day we met. That's the hardest part for me.
She said 'Me loving you doesn't mean that I have to stay.' I asked her if she was leaving me for the 40 years old guy. She said no. She did tell me that she was finally going to go see a therapist. A week later, when I asked her if that was still the case, she said no.
Two weeks later, we met at a cafe and she announced that she was officially in a relationship with the guy she almost cheated on me with and that she was going to move to his place. Then she told me that she couldn't keep being sober and that she started drinking again. She mentioned that he lets her drink as she sees fit. On that subject, she told me the most devastating thing, ''You love the woman that I could become. He loves the woman that I am.'' Which was as far as it gets from the truth. I love her with all my heart.
Another thing about all this: She wanted to have babies, but to an unhealthy level. We had only been together a few months and she already told me she was ready. It was quite clear that she saw being a mother as the cure-all solution for her problems. I wanted children for them, she wanted children for her. The guy she's now in a relationship with already has two kids, 11 and 13 years old. He wants more, and he wants them now. The only thing I did wrong was wanting to wait for a stable job and life to have my own. I was ready and had this plan to tell her at new year's eve. Another slap on my face.
It has been three months. I cut contact as much as possible, but she still has a lot of stuff at the apartment. She shows up a few times a week to make boxes. I'm out by the time she shows up, intentionally. She drunk called me at 9pm recently (I could hear that she had been crying) to ask me something she could very well have asked by texting. I figure that it is a loss on her part too, so even if she left me, she would still like to hear from me. But it's too painful.
I think about her all day. Every day. Even if I keep myself busy and am actively trying to get back up. Sometimes I wish she'd realize it was all a big mistake. Sometimes I wonder if it truly is a mistake, or if she just didn't love me anymore and couldn't say it. All I do know is that she left me while I was the happiest man on earth. And it hurts.
I don't really know why I'm writing all this. I talked about it to so many friends and family members. But I'm devastated. I always get back up, but this time it's really a challenge. Please comment anything, from personal stories to advice on how to move on, or anything... I'd just like a bit of support, I suppose. Thank you in advance and sorry if it was such a long text.
I've been dating this wonderful girl for nearly 4 years. The love of my life. She had a traumatic childhood, and it echoed throughout her life. It did not take much time for me to notice how often and how much she drank. She was 19 when we started dating. She was never violent when drunk, but she'd spiral into a very dark place at the end of the night, often having panic attacks and saying things that had me scared for her life.
She knows I have an alcoholic mother, and how important it is for me not to have my (future) kids go through that kind of thing. She promised me that she'd change. She did not, at first. I stayed by her side, because I love her. At some point, I thought that being there but not consoling her or comforting her after a night of heavy drinking would help me to not enable her drinking. I did what I thought would work. God, I did everything I could... as clumsy as I was.
She had this pattern... when something really bad would happen (which did happen twice in our relationship, both times being very bad news concerning certain scumbags in her family) she'd start acting strange. She'd drink way more, act out of character, seem absent, fill her days with chores and projects to a point that was exhausting...
The first time she started one of these phases was about a year in the relationship. She came home from the bar one night and told me that she almost cheated on me with a much older guy (40 years old) that she befriended and who worked at the same place I work at. He had enough respect and restraint to tell her that it was a bad idea. She was very drunk when it happened. She told me that she realized what she almost lost, and that she knew how much she loves me and that she'd never do that again. I was shocked. But I was also in love. I thought about it for a few days, then forgave her. A month later, she told me that she would stop drinking. She kept in contact with the guy, said that he would always only be a friend. I believed her.
So we gave away every bottle of alcohol in the apartment. I completely stopped drinking (as little as I did) and always asked guests to leave with their unfinished bottles. The apartment was sanitized, if you will. She stopped drinking for over a year. It was wonderful. She gained a healthy amount of weight and looked radiant, stunning. She had so much more energy, and every day spent with her was paradise.
Then came the second bad news. The second downward spiral. She was devastated. She did not start drinking right away. In fact, a few months passed without her touching alcohol. But she was different. Distant and slightly irritable. She was hurting, but she always hard a hard time talking about her emotions. It was almost impossible for her to do so without being drunk. Which was one of her main reasons for drinking.
Something was off. She went on a one-week vacation at a friend's cottage (I couldn't go as I had to work). When she came back, she left me. It was a total shock. I knew that she was having a hard time, but I had no clue that this would happen. Heck, a week earlier she would still wake up with that same beautiful smile, telling me how much I'm beautiful and how much she loves me. It came out of nowhere.
I begged for her to stay, obviously. I also asked her to openly admit to not loving me anymore, because only that could give me true closure and allow me to live my grief. She did not. She told me that she still loves me, physically, sexually and mentally, as she did since the first day we met. That's the hardest part for me.
She said 'Me loving you doesn't mean that I have to stay.' I asked her if she was leaving me for the 40 years old guy. She said no. She did tell me that she was finally going to go see a therapist. A week later, when I asked her if that was still the case, she said no.
Two weeks later, we met at a cafe and she announced that she was officially in a relationship with the guy she almost cheated on me with and that she was going to move to his place. Then she told me that she couldn't keep being sober and that she started drinking again. She mentioned that he lets her drink as she sees fit. On that subject, she told me the most devastating thing, ''You love the woman that I could become. He loves the woman that I am.'' Which was as far as it gets from the truth. I love her with all my heart.
Another thing about all this: She wanted to have babies, but to an unhealthy level. We had only been together a few months and she already told me she was ready. It was quite clear that she saw being a mother as the cure-all solution for her problems. I wanted children for them, she wanted children for her. The guy she's now in a relationship with already has two kids, 11 and 13 years old. He wants more, and he wants them now. The only thing I did wrong was wanting to wait for a stable job and life to have my own. I was ready and had this plan to tell her at new year's eve. Another slap on my face.
It has been three months. I cut contact as much as possible, but she still has a lot of stuff at the apartment. She shows up a few times a week to make boxes. I'm out by the time she shows up, intentionally. She drunk called me at 9pm recently (I could hear that she had been crying) to ask me something she could very well have asked by texting. I figure that it is a loss on her part too, so even if she left me, she would still like to hear from me. But it's too painful.
I think about her all day. Every day. Even if I keep myself busy and am actively trying to get back up. Sometimes I wish she'd realize it was all a big mistake. Sometimes I wonder if it truly is a mistake, or if she just didn't love me anymore and couldn't say it. All I do know is that she left me while I was the happiest man on earth. And it hurts.
I don't really know why I'm writing all this. I talked about it to so many friends and family members. But I'm devastated. I always get back up, but this time it's really a challenge. Please comment anything, from personal stories to advice on how to move on, or anything... I'd just like a bit of support, I suppose. Thank you in advance and sorry if it was such a long text.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
Hi Tom
I'm really sorry for your pain, but I know you'll find support here.
I was the alcoholic rather than the loved one, but anyone here will tell you a relationship with an active alcoholic not only involves them - but their addiction as well.
I made choices for my addiction over those I love more than once, and I regret them - but I'm glad now that those I loved were able to move on.
I eventually got sober and moved on as well...
Break ups are hard - but it sounds like from this post you deserve better and I really hope you find it man.
D
I'm really sorry for your pain, but I know you'll find support here.
I was the alcoholic rather than the loved one, but anyone here will tell you a relationship with an active alcoholic not only involves them - but their addiction as well.
I made choices for my addiction over those I love more than once, and I regret them - but I'm glad now that those I loved were able to move on.
I eventually got sober and moved on as well...
Break ups are hard - but it sounds like from this post you deserve better and I really hope you find it man.
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,983
Hi Tom and welcome to Soberrecovery. Also so very sorry for the reasons that you are here. What you are going through hurts beyond anything.
Unfortunately healing and recovering from this takes time. More time than any of us want it to take.
You are doing the right thing to cut contact as much as possible. Usually any contact will start the hurt all over again.
Please do everything you can to take care of yourself: exercise, eat well, keep friendships up.
Let us know how you are doing and vent here all you want. It is what we are here for.
Unfortunately healing and recovering from this takes time. More time than any of us want it to take.
You are doing the right thing to cut contact as much as possible. Usually any contact will start the hurt all over again.
Please do everything you can to take care of yourself: exercise, eat well, keep friendships up.
Let us know how you are doing and vent here all you want. It is what we are here for.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: Great Lakes
Posts: 139
I have been there ,
My gf died from a drug overdose .
Her coffin was very heavy .
It took me years to feel a bit better .
I did not know she was a pill taker for years .
About a year or 2 after she died , I found a bottle of her pills under my mattress !
Hang in there .
My gf died from a drug overdose .
Her coffin was very heavy .
It took me years to feel a bit better .
I did not know she was a pill taker for years .
About a year or 2 after she died , I found a bottle of her pills under my mattress !
Hang in there .
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Hi Tom, sorry you got hurt in all this.
Perhaps you are having such a hard time moving on from it because A. She said she still loves you etc and B. It was totally out of the blue.
This isn't actually about you, or having children or the other guy or his children or any of that, it's about her and her addiction to alcohol. She told you this:
Even though you do love her, isn't this really the truth? Perhaps exchange the word "love" in the sentence above with "accept".
Why would she have to change if you love her just the way she is?
If you ever disagreed with her consumption, even in the NICEST way, you are seen as trying to come between her and what she holds most dear. Yes, most dear, above you, above the new guy and his children, probably above any children she may have, if she doesn't get in to recovery.
So she chose the alcohol, that's what alcoholics do. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you will keep posting and I hope you will read the other threads in the forum and the stickies at the top, in particular these:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I think you will find a lot there and in the forum threads that resonates with you. As for moving on, continuing no contact, learn about alcoholism, post whenever you feel like it, make a hard copy list of all the things that were wrong with the relationship.
Was the sober time actually paradise or was it just paradise in comparison?
Perhaps you are having such a hard time moving on from it because A. She said she still loves you etc and B. It was totally out of the blue.
This isn't actually about you, or having children or the other guy or his children or any of that, it's about her and her addiction to alcohol. She told you this:
She mentioned that he lets her drink as she sees fit. On that subject, she told me the most devastating thing, ''You love the woman that I could become. He loves the woman that I am.''
She promised me that she'd change.
If you ever disagreed with her consumption, even in the NICEST way, you are seen as trying to come between her and what she holds most dear. Yes, most dear, above you, above the new guy and his children, probably above any children she may have, if she doesn't get in to recovery.
So she chose the alcohol, that's what alcoholics do. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope you will keep posting and I hope you will read the other threads in the forum and the stickies at the top, in particular these:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I think you will find a lot there and in the forum threads that resonates with you. As for moving on, continuing no contact, learn about alcoholism, post whenever you feel like it, make a hard copy list of all the things that were wrong with the relationship.
Was the sober time actually paradise or was it just paradise in comparison?
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
Trailmix posted pretty much what I was going to.
As you are now three months down the road, I would pack up all the remaining stuff and leave it on a porch for her and tell her in a week it was going to Goodwill. If you ask me, she's hedging her bets with new guy, thinking if it all goes pear-shaped, her things are still with you. I don't write this to give you hope, but to point out possible motivation / manipulation for not going literally "all in" with him.
She mentioned that he lets her drink as she sees fit. On that subject, she told me the most devastating thing, ''You love the woman that I could become. He loves the woman that I am.''
One day, my late husband said to me, "Don't ask me to choose between you and beer. You won't like the answer." Even then, I didn't leave. I didn't know how I'd survive financially without him - it looked pretty bleak. A few years later, he was out of work, and secretly withdrawing money from his 401K and retirement accounts, which increased our taxes, since he wasn't using it for medical expenses or paying a mortgage. He just didn't have enough money for beer and cigarettes, or more precisely, for the amount of beer and cigarettes he preferred.
He's also the man who cried while digging a grave for my first cat, just to give a fuller picture of the person he was.
I'm much older than you are. I can tell you I love a lot of people I would never marry, or even live with. Loving someone doesn't make him or her a good partner.
As you are now three months down the road, I would pack up all the remaining stuff and leave it on a porch for her and tell her in a week it was going to Goodwill. If you ask me, she's hedging her bets with new guy, thinking if it all goes pear-shaped, her things are still with you. I don't write this to give you hope, but to point out possible motivation / manipulation for not going literally "all in" with him.
She mentioned that he lets her drink as she sees fit. On that subject, she told me the most devastating thing, ''You love the woman that I could become. He loves the woman that I am.''
One day, my late husband said to me, "Don't ask me to choose between you and beer. You won't like the answer." Even then, I didn't leave. I didn't know how I'd survive financially without him - it looked pretty bleak. A few years later, he was out of work, and secretly withdrawing money from his 401K and retirement accounts, which increased our taxes, since he wasn't using it for medical expenses or paying a mortgage. He just didn't have enough money for beer and cigarettes, or more precisely, for the amount of beer and cigarettes he preferred.
He's also the man who cried while digging a grave for my first cat, just to give a fuller picture of the person he was.
I'm much older than you are. I can tell you I love a lot of people I would never marry, or even live with. Loving someone doesn't make him or her a good partner.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by TomRuss 
.... she always hard a hard time talking about her emotions. It was almost impossible for her to do so without being drunk. Which was one of her main reasons for drinking.
Every one of us is here because we love or have loved an alcoholic. You're in the right place.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 19
Thank you very much for this and congratulations on your sobriety. I now understand how strong of a grip addiction has on people. It takes a strong person to change. I do hope that, one day, my ex finds the same strength you have. Considering everything that happened, she still deserves a bright future.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 19
Oops, I'm new to this and was trying to individually respond to your comments like on Facebook.
This was for Nonia
This was for Bekindalways
This one was for Dee74
I tried deleting the other messages but I can’t find how. I'm being such a newbie right now :P
Originally Posted by TomRuss
Thank you for sharing this and I'm sorry for what happened. I'm glad that you started feeling better. I don't know where you're at in life now, but you deserve to be happy and I wish you the best.
Originally Posted by TomRuss
Thank you very much 
Originally Posted by TomRuss
Thank you very much for this and congratulations on your sobriety. I now understand how strong of a grip addiction has on people. It takes a strong person to change. I do hope that, one day, my ex finds the same strength you have. Considering everything that happened, she still deserves a bright future.
I tried deleting the other messages but I can’t find how. I'm being such a newbie right now :P
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by trailmix
Was the sober time actually paradise or was it just paradise in comparison?
Thank you for the links and you really helped me understand the situation better. It helped a lot
Originally Posted by velma929
Trailmix posted pretty much what I was going to.
As you are now three months down the road, I would pack up all the remaining stuff and leave it on a porch for her and tell her in a week it was going to Goodwill. If you ask me, she's hedging her bets with new guy, thinking if it all goes pear-shaped, her things are still with you. I don't write this to give you hope, but to point out possible motivation / manipulation for not going literally "all in" with him.
As you are now three months down the road, I would pack up all the remaining stuff and leave it on a porch for her and tell her in a week it was going to Goodwill. If you ask me, she's hedging her bets with new guy, thinking if it all goes pear-shaped, her things are still with you. I don't write this to give you hope, but to point out possible motivation / manipulation for not going literally "all in" with him.
It is pretty hard though. I haven't seen her in weeks, as I always leave during a certain time of day because I know she might show up. But it's still stressful. Thanks for commenting, it's really appreciated
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
It's an extraordinarily rare active alcoholic who can tell you the full truth of why they drink.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Tom------grieving a romantic heartbreak is one of the most painful of human experiences. I think that keeping the no contact is the best thing that you an do. The healing will come faster because of that, I believe. lol--you probably don't think that healing will ever come, right now--but, I am here to tell you that it will eventually come.
Someone, on this forum, ;the other day---"Just because you love someone doesn't mean that they will be a good partner for you. I sooo agree with that. I, also, believe that if a person doesn't want to be with you (for Any reason)…...that is not, by definition, your "person".
You are still young---so I am going t o give you some mother-hen advice-----you are concerned about your future children, as you should be. You would do well to not date any women who have addiction problems, in the future. I would advise that you stick to teetotalers---or, very nearly so. Alcoholism is never cured---it is life long. It can be put into recovery, but, even then, there are no guarantees. And---don't be that guy that goes looking for the bird with the broken wing---or, try to be the Knight on a White Horse. who comes in to save the damsel in distress. Those kind of situations are usually an emotional ambush.
When a rescuer tries to rescue a victim with lots of unresolved personal baggage----the rescuer can usually wind up as the victim, before it is al over.
Another thought-----you mention that your mother is an alcoholic. All kids love their parent---or want to, anyway, in even the worst of situations. Having an alcoholic parent can leave a person hobbled with issues that they (unwittingly) carry into their adulthood and into their own intimate relationships.
There is a group called "Adult Children of Alcoholics". That is a group that I think could be of benefit to you in your own self exploration. I suggest that you, at least read their literature. I'll bet that you will be surprised at how much it resonates with you. You can find their "big book" and other literature on amazon.com, in the book section. Just type in---"Adult Children of Alcoholics" in the book section.
I am not trying to minimize your hurt---as I have been in your same shoes, at one time, and I know how deeply it cuts. But, I have made some suggestions that might make one feel defensive or criticized. If so, that is not my intention.
The thing is----we humans tend to operate in patterns---the same patterns---UNLESS we learn something different, in the meantime. Now would be a good time to do a lot of self examination and self assessment. Often, the greatest strides are made at a time of crisis. lol---Yes, that is a painful way to learn----but, it appears that is how we humans roll.
Someone, on this forum, ;the other day---"Just because you love someone doesn't mean that they will be a good partner for you. I sooo agree with that. I, also, believe that if a person doesn't want to be with you (for Any reason)…...that is not, by definition, your "person".
You are still young---so I am going t o give you some mother-hen advice-----you are concerned about your future children, as you should be. You would do well to not date any women who have addiction problems, in the future. I would advise that you stick to teetotalers---or, very nearly so. Alcoholism is never cured---it is life long. It can be put into recovery, but, even then, there are no guarantees. And---don't be that guy that goes looking for the bird with the broken wing---or, try to be the Knight on a White Horse. who comes in to save the damsel in distress. Those kind of situations are usually an emotional ambush.
When a rescuer tries to rescue a victim with lots of unresolved personal baggage----the rescuer can usually wind up as the victim, before it is al over.
Another thought-----you mention that your mother is an alcoholic. All kids love their parent---or want to, anyway, in even the worst of situations. Having an alcoholic parent can leave a person hobbled with issues that they (unwittingly) carry into their adulthood and into their own intimate relationships.
There is a group called "Adult Children of Alcoholics". That is a group that I think could be of benefit to you in your own self exploration. I suggest that you, at least read their literature. I'll bet that you will be surprised at how much it resonates with you. You can find their "big book" and other literature on amazon.com, in the book section. Just type in---"Adult Children of Alcoholics" in the book section.
I am not trying to minimize your hurt---as I have been in your same shoes, at one time, and I know how deeply it cuts. But, I have made some suggestions that might make one feel defensive or criticized. If so, that is not my intention.
The thing is----we humans tend to operate in patterns---the same patterns---UNLESS we learn something different, in the meantime. Now would be a good time to do a lot of self examination and self assessment. Often, the greatest strides are made at a time of crisis. lol---Yes, that is a painful way to learn----but, it appears that is how we humans roll.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,983
Originally Posted by TomRuss
I'm being such a newbie right now :P
I'd like to emphasize what Dandy said about doing some self exploration about why you were so drawn to such a damaged person. Many of us wind up going from one alcoholic to another if we don't figure out our own issues.
Keep getting through the days the best you can. They will eventually add up to healing even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by dandylion
Tom------grieving a romantic heartbreak is one of the most painful of human experiences. I think that keeping the no contact is the best thing that you an do. The healing will come faster because of that, I believe. lol--you probably don't think that healing will ever come, right now--but, I am here to tell you that it will eventually come.
Someone, on this forum, ;the other day---"Just because you love someone doesn't mean that they will be a good partner for you. I sooo agree with that. I, also, believe that if a person doesn't want to be with you (for Any reason)…...that is not, by definition, your "person".
You are still young---so I am going t o give you some mother-hen advice-----you are concerned about your future children, as you should be. You would do well to not date any women who have addiction problems, in the future. I would advise that you stick to teetotalers---or, very nearly so. Alcoholism is never cured---it is life long. It can be put into recovery, but, even then, there are no guarantees. And---don't be that guy that goes looking for the bird with the broken wing---or, try to be the Knight on a White Horse. who comes in to save the damsel in distress. Those kind of situations are usually an emotional ambush.
When a rescuer tries to rescue a victim with lots of unresolved personal baggage----the rescuer can usually wind up as the victim, before it is al over.
Another thought-----you mention that your mother is an alcoholic. All kids love their parent---or want to, anyway, in even the worst of situations. Having an alcoholic parent can leave a person hobbled with issues that they (unwittingly) carry into their adulthood and into their own intimate relationships.
There is a group called "Adult Children of Alcoholics". That is a group that I think could be of benefit to you in your own self exploration. I suggest that you, at least read their literature. I'll bet that you will be surprised at how much it resonates with you. You can find their "big book" and other literature on amazon.com, in the book section. Just type in---"Adult Children of Alcoholics" in the book section.
I am not trying to minimize your hurt---as I have been in your same shoes, at one time, and I know how deeply it cuts. But, I have made some suggestions that might make one feel defensive or criticized. If so, that is not my intention.
The thing is----we humans tend to operate in patterns---the same patterns---UNLESS we learn something different, in the meantime. Now would be a good time to do a lot of self examination and self assessment. Often, the greatest strides are made at a time of crisis. lol---Yes, that is a painful way to learn----but, it appears that is how we humans roll.
Someone, on this forum, ;the other day---"Just because you love someone doesn't mean that they will be a good partner for you. I sooo agree with that. I, also, believe that if a person doesn't want to be with you (for Any reason)…...that is not, by definition, your "person".
You are still young---so I am going t o give you some mother-hen advice-----you are concerned about your future children, as you should be. You would do well to not date any women who have addiction problems, in the future. I would advise that you stick to teetotalers---or, very nearly so. Alcoholism is never cured---it is life long. It can be put into recovery, but, even then, there are no guarantees. And---don't be that guy that goes looking for the bird with the broken wing---or, try to be the Knight on a White Horse. who comes in to save the damsel in distress. Those kind of situations are usually an emotional ambush.
When a rescuer tries to rescue a victim with lots of unresolved personal baggage----the rescuer can usually wind up as the victim, before it is al over.
Another thought-----you mention that your mother is an alcoholic. All kids love their parent---or want to, anyway, in even the worst of situations. Having an alcoholic parent can leave a person hobbled with issues that they (unwittingly) carry into their adulthood and into their own intimate relationships.
There is a group called "Adult Children of Alcoholics". That is a group that I think could be of benefit to you in your own self exploration. I suggest that you, at least read their literature. I'll bet that you will be surprised at how much it resonates with you. You can find their "big book" and other literature on amazon.com, in the book section. Just type in---"Adult Children of Alcoholics" in the book section.
I am not trying to minimize your hurt---as I have been in your same shoes, at one time, and I know how deeply it cuts. But, I have made some suggestions that might make one feel defensive or criticized. If so, that is not my intention.
The thing is----we humans tend to operate in patterns---the same patterns---UNLESS we learn something different, in the meantime. Now would be a good time to do a lot of self examination and self assessment. Often, the greatest strides are made at a time of crisis. lol---Yes, that is a painful way to learn----but, it appears that is how we humans roll.
I never dated an alcoholic before. In fact, I stood as far away as possible from people with addictions. I fell in love with her without feeling a need to save her. I know it's a common pattern, but to me, it was more of a gamble. I knew there were risks, but I decided to give in to my love for her. I don't believe I could ever take that chance again, though. Being 32 years old, I feel as though it's time to use a combination of my brain and heart, the latter being all too present in my last relationship.
I do not feel criticized by your comments. In fact, I really appreciate the advice. I'm going to do a search on the Adult Children of Alcoholics. It sparked my curiosity and I bet it could really help me. Thanks again, this is so appreciated.
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
No worries Tom. You can respond to us all en-masse if you want.
I'd like to emphasize what Dandy said about doing some self exploration about why you were so drawn to such a damaged person. Many of us wind up going from one alcoholic to another if we don't figure out our own issues.
Keep getting through the days the best you can. They will eventually add up to healing even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
I'd like to emphasize what Dandy said about doing some self exploration about why you were so drawn to such a damaged person. Many of us wind up going from one alcoholic to another if we don't figure out our own issues.
Keep getting through the days the best you can. They will eventually add up to healing even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
I'm glad that helped. I'm also glad that the non-drinking time was great, it's something you can look back on with fondness.
My Father was an alcoholic, I don't know how much you know about addiction/alcoholism but, even growing up with an alcoholic parent, I didn't know much. He drank, he drank a lot, he went to work he came home. I never really questioned why he drank so much, although I did know he was an alcoholic, I just didn't know then what I know now.
My Father was married and had 3 children, he came home from work one day and they were all gone. He married my Mother and I have 2 siblings. He drank his way through that marriage and eventually she left him after almost 20 years. Now was he a horrible person? No, not really, he could actually be quite generous and kind and he was very smart, but you can't be an alcoholic and a good parent.
Alcoholism is, generally, progressive, her amount of consumption, left unchecked, will probably increase. I tell you this just so you know that the person you know today is not the person she might be 5-10 years from now.
Just a couple of other things. She isn't "two" people, she is a pretty nice person who is also an alcoholic. When we separate the good and the bad, it's easier to justify to ourselves and others, but she is just one person, good and not so good.
The second thing is about children of alcoholics. I'm sure you will find out a lot in reading about it, but one thing I have noticed is that they tend to put up with much more than other people would. Why? Well I'm no psychiatrist but I think it is because, seeing that in the parental relationship and also, ourselves, having to walk on eggshells and smooth things over and etc etc, tends to give us a great capacity for it. Also, being treated poorly isn't as shocking as it might be to someone that came from a non-dysfunctional home. They also tend to have defensive barriers at the ready, which helps to deal with other dysfunctional relationships.
Anyway, just some thoughts.
My Father was an alcoholic, I don't know how much you know about addiction/alcoholism but, even growing up with an alcoholic parent, I didn't know much. He drank, he drank a lot, he went to work he came home. I never really questioned why he drank so much, although I did know he was an alcoholic, I just didn't know then what I know now.
My Father was married and had 3 children, he came home from work one day and they were all gone. He married my Mother and I have 2 siblings. He drank his way through that marriage and eventually she left him after almost 20 years. Now was he a horrible person? No, not really, he could actually be quite generous and kind and he was very smart, but you can't be an alcoholic and a good parent.
Alcoholism is, generally, progressive, her amount of consumption, left unchecked, will probably increase. I tell you this just so you know that the person you know today is not the person she might be 5-10 years from now.
Just a couple of other things. She isn't "two" people, she is a pretty nice person who is also an alcoholic. When we separate the good and the bad, it's easier to justify to ourselves and others, but she is just one person, good and not so good.
The second thing is about children of alcoholics. I'm sure you will find out a lot in reading about it, but one thing I have noticed is that they tend to put up with much more than other people would. Why? Well I'm no psychiatrist but I think it is because, seeing that in the parental relationship and also, ourselves, having to walk on eggshells and smooth things over and etc etc, tends to give us a great capacity for it. Also, being treated poorly isn't as shocking as it might be to someone that came from a non-dysfunctional home. They also tend to have defensive barriers at the ready, which helps to deal with other dysfunctional relationships.
Anyway, just some thoughts.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by TomRuss
She'd really have to prove to me that she changed
Originally Posted by TomRuss
I fell in love with her without feeling a need to save her. I know it's a common pattern, but to me, it was more of a gamble. I knew there were risks, but I decided to give in to my love for her.
One of the markers of addict/co-addict relationships is isolation. We either physically isolate or we emotionally wall off with our thinking. We are masters of coming up with reasons that our situation is different, why we are different, why our alcoholic is different, why we are alone in what we are going through. Things need not be dramatic and crazy in order to feel the isolation, pain and anxiety of codependent thinking.
I'm really happy to hear that you're looking into Adult Children of Alcoholics.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 19
Originally Posted by trailmix
I'm glad that helped. I'm also glad that the non-drinking time was great, it's something you can look back on with fondness.
My Father was an alcoholic, I don't know how much you know about addiction/alcoholism but, even growing up with an alcoholic parent, I didn't know much. He drank, he drank a lot, he went to work he came home. I never really questioned why he drank so much, although I did know he was an alcoholic, I just didn't know then what I know now.
My Father was married and had 3 children, he came home from work one day and they were all gone. He married my Mother and I have 2 siblings. He drank his way through that marriage and eventually she left him after almost 20 years. Now was he a horrible person? No, not really, he could actually be quite generous and kind and he was very smart, but you can't be an alcoholic and a good parent.
Alcoholism is, generally, progressive, her amount of consumption, left unchecked, will probably increase. I tell you this just so you know that the person you know today is not the person she might be 5-10 years from now.
Just a couple of other things. She isn't "two" people, she is a pretty nice person who is also an alcoholic. When we separate the good and the bad, it's easier to justify to ourselves and others, but she is just one person, good and not so good.
The second thing is about children of alcoholics. I'm sure you will find out a lot in reading about it, but one thing I have noticed is that they tend to put up with much more than other people would. Why? Well I'm no psychiatrist but I think it is because, seeing that in the parental relationship and also, ourselves, having to walk on eggshells and smooth things over and etc etc, tends to give us a great capacity for it. Also, being treated poorly isn't as shocking as it might be to someone that came from a non-dysfunctional home. They also tend to have defensive barriers at the ready, which helps to deal with other dysfunctional relationships.
Anyway, just some thoughts.
My Father was an alcoholic, I don't know how much you know about addiction/alcoholism but, even growing up with an alcoholic parent, I didn't know much. He drank, he drank a lot, he went to work he came home. I never really questioned why he drank so much, although I did know he was an alcoholic, I just didn't know then what I know now.
My Father was married and had 3 children, he came home from work one day and they were all gone. He married my Mother and I have 2 siblings. He drank his way through that marriage and eventually she left him after almost 20 years. Now was he a horrible person? No, not really, he could actually be quite generous and kind and he was very smart, but you can't be an alcoholic and a good parent.
Alcoholism is, generally, progressive, her amount of consumption, left unchecked, will probably increase. I tell you this just so you know that the person you know today is not the person she might be 5-10 years from now.
Just a couple of other things. She isn't "two" people, she is a pretty nice person who is also an alcoholic. When we separate the good and the bad, it's easier to justify to ourselves and others, but she is just one person, good and not so good.
The second thing is about children of alcoholics. I'm sure you will find out a lot in reading about it, but one thing I have noticed is that they tend to put up with much more than other people would. Why? Well I'm no psychiatrist but I think it is because, seeing that in the parental relationship and also, ourselves, having to walk on eggshells and smooth things over and etc etc, tends to give us a great capacity for it. Also, being treated poorly isn't as shocking as it might be to someone that came from a non-dysfunctional home. They also tend to have defensive barriers at the ready, which helps to deal with other dysfunctional relationships.
Anyway, just some thoughts.
But the part about how my ex might not be the person I know now in 5-10 years, it scares the life out of me. I understand that she's in a downward spiral, but to imagine the woman I love being consumed by her disease... is nothing short of heartbreaking. It's so hard, having loved someone, witnessing that person flourish and then seeing her slip away in a very dark place. And being unable to do anything about it. It's so damn hard.
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
You will know that she is truly in recovery when she is not trying to prove anything to you. You will know that you are truly in recovery when you are no longer asking her to prove anything to you.
Not all of us have the drive to save our beloved alcoholics, but I'd be willing to bet that all of us had an overwhelming need to help and just be there with our massive amount of love - driven by the thought that we were one of, if not the only person who really understood our alcoholic. We were the one, if not the only person who got to see the real person inside. We were special. We were in a unique position to understand and to help, if with nothing more than our tremendous well of love.
One of the markers of addict/co-addict relationships is isolation. We either physically isolate or we emotionally wall off with our thinking. We are masters of coming up with reasons that our situation is different, why we are different, why our alcoholic is different, why we are alone in what we are going through. Things need not be dramatic and crazy in order to feel the isolation, pain and anxiety of codependent thinking.
I'm really happy to hear that you're looking into Adult Children of Alcoholics.
Not all of us have the drive to save our beloved alcoholics, but I'd be willing to bet that all of us had an overwhelming need to help and just be there with our massive amount of love - driven by the thought that we were one of, if not the only person who really understood our alcoholic. We were the one, if not the only person who got to see the real person inside. We were special. We were in a unique position to understand and to help, if with nothing more than our tremendous well of love.
One of the markers of addict/co-addict relationships is isolation. We either physically isolate or we emotionally wall off with our thinking. We are masters of coming up with reasons that our situation is different, why we are different, why our alcoholic is different, why we are alone in what we are going through. Things need not be dramatic and crazy in order to feel the isolation, pain and anxiety of codependent thinking.
I'm really happy to hear that you're looking into Adult Children of Alcoholics.
I just would have loved it if everyone rallied around her and tried, together, to help her. I mean, she gives so much love to the people around her, she's an incredible friend and she just brings so much joy in people's lives. I know it's dumb, but I keep thinking, why the hell is no one taking this seriously?
What I have a hard time grasping is the fact that it's not my concern anymore. I started no contact (she only texts me to tell me when she'll show up at the apartment, so I know not to stay there). She tries to find reasons to talk to me. She wanted for us to stay friends after all this. She cares about me a lot. And it hurts me. It really hurts because I know she'd like to just at least see me, see that I still appreciate her. But I can't talk to her. I can't see her. It hurts so much to have loved and cherished a woman more than anything, then going to great lengths to not see nor hear about that person. Obviously, I'd love nothing more than to see her and hug her very tight and tell her that everything's ok. But I can't. I have to take care of myself. She made her decision, and I'm reacting accordingly.
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