Sober 3 weeks and adamant on divorce
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 4
Sober 3 weeks and adamant on divorce
Hi,
I’ve read through many posts on this thread and have found them helpful, I am in need of my own help and advice which is how I found this site.
my husband is a great man hard work generous and loving. However he has multiple mental health issues many of which he kept hidden from me until I finally spoke to his therapist. His diagnosis includes Bipolar disorder, Major depression, ADHD, and PTSD. He has struggled with addiction for years starting with pills prior to our relationship. Once clean from pills he started a business a very successful business that I am extremely proud of him for but of course very stressful and not a good decision for a barely sober drug addict. He very quickly began drinking to handle this stress which escalated to full fledged alcoholism.
He had one incident of infidelity and was extremely disappointed in himself and ended up attempting to take his own life, which landed him in an inpatient facility. After a year and a half of really high highs and really low lows he FINALLY agreed to go to AA under the advisement of not only me but his therapist. He’s been going for three and a half weeks and has decided that we need to divorce. He says he loves and cares about me but isn’t happy and needs to figure out how to be happy and love himself before he can love someone else. We have a son together who will be 2 in December and a house and an overall amazing life minus the addiction. I’ve offered to do a separation, we’ve already done marriage counseling and he refuses to do it again because it causes him to feel targeted, and for the time being I have been sleeping in the guest bedroom. But he will not budge on his decision even though I feel it is a rash and not well thought out.... I know I need to give him his space to let him figure everything out but he’s doing whatever he can to fast track this process. Do I accept my marriage is over or hold out hope he’ll come to his senses? I love him and know with drinking being out of the equation our relationship has the potential to be amazing....
I’ve read through many posts on this thread and have found them helpful, I am in need of my own help and advice which is how I found this site.
my husband is a great man hard work generous and loving. However he has multiple mental health issues many of which he kept hidden from me until I finally spoke to his therapist. His diagnosis includes Bipolar disorder, Major depression, ADHD, and PTSD. He has struggled with addiction for years starting with pills prior to our relationship. Once clean from pills he started a business a very successful business that I am extremely proud of him for but of course very stressful and not a good decision for a barely sober drug addict. He very quickly began drinking to handle this stress which escalated to full fledged alcoholism.
He had one incident of infidelity and was extremely disappointed in himself and ended up attempting to take his own life, which landed him in an inpatient facility. After a year and a half of really high highs and really low lows he FINALLY agreed to go to AA under the advisement of not only me but his therapist. He’s been going for three and a half weeks and has decided that we need to divorce. He says he loves and cares about me but isn’t happy and needs to figure out how to be happy and love himself before he can love someone else. We have a son together who will be 2 in December and a house and an overall amazing life minus the addiction. I’ve offered to do a separation, we’ve already done marriage counseling and he refuses to do it again because it causes him to feel targeted, and for the time being I have been sleeping in the guest bedroom. But he will not budge on his decision even though I feel it is a rash and not well thought out.... I know I need to give him his space to let him figure everything out but he’s doing whatever he can to fast track this process. Do I accept my marriage is over or hold out hope he’ll come to his senses? I love him and know with drinking being out of the equation our relationship has the potential to be amazing....
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Hi Slauz and welcome.
Does it sound rash? Absolutely. He could have been thinking about it for years. Not in terms of you or your relationship necessarily but he has had a lot of really big problems and challenges. He can't have been very happy overall with his life?
There is sobriety and there is recovery, two completely different things and it sounds like he is only just now embarking on the recovery part, which can take a very long time, years in fact. Also, keep in mind that he has been living a lot of his life drunk and even when not drunk, impaired, so his experiences of life have been quite different to yours. While he may appear to be functioning quite well, that's not necessarily the case, there are probably many demons to be conquered.
I would recommend finding out all you can about recovery from alcoholism, for you, not for him. Reading around here and in the stickies section at the top of this forum are good places to start. You will probably find the classic reading threads helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I can see his reasoning in some ways. Remove everything, the lifestyle, the relationships, hone everything down because he's not able to deal with any of it right now. Relationships can be a big deal when you have many stressors, as you know, it's hard to keep everything in balance.
He is probably also unclear exactly why he is unhappy.
As for whether to let him go or not, what choice do you really have?
Does it sound rash? Absolutely. He could have been thinking about it for years. Not in terms of you or your relationship necessarily but he has had a lot of really big problems and challenges. He can't have been very happy overall with his life?
There is sobriety and there is recovery, two completely different things and it sounds like he is only just now embarking on the recovery part, which can take a very long time, years in fact. Also, keep in mind that he has been living a lot of his life drunk and even when not drunk, impaired, so his experiences of life have been quite different to yours. While he may appear to be functioning quite well, that's not necessarily the case, there are probably many demons to be conquered.
I would recommend finding out all you can about recovery from alcoholism, for you, not for him. Reading around here and in the stickies section at the top of this forum are good places to start. You will probably find the classic reading threads helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
I can see his reasoning in some ways. Remove everything, the lifestyle, the relationships, hone everything down because he's not able to deal with any of it right now. Relationships can be a big deal when you have many stressors, as you know, it's hard to keep everything in balance.
He is probably also unclear exactly why he is unhappy.
As for whether to let him go or not, what choice do you really have?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Slauz------impulsivity is often seen feature in the disorders of bipolar and ADHD. In addition, it is generally advised that those in early recovery---that they not engage in life altering decisions for the first year---allowing time for some stabilization. Having said that----I know that you don't have control over him, either. Actually, I thought your idea of a legal separation would be a good idea (possibly). I know of some people who got and stayed separated without ever getting a divorce. Of course, for those people, there were no underaged children in the mix. Every situation is different.
Since you can't control him and if he is hell-bound to do what he wants to do----the important thing is that you need to look out for the welfare of your self and your son. He seems in no condition to look out for you.
For one thing---you need to see your own lawyer asap. It is going to be very important to know your rights and liabilities. Consider it as "information gathering". You need all the support that you can get---your own therapist---alanon----lawyer.....etc.
I am giving you the following link to a website that I think may be helpful for you. It is educational in nature, and is listed by State.
It can helop you to organize your thoughts and help you to know what important questions to ask a lawyer..
Since you can't control him and if he is hell-bound to do what he wants to do----the important thing is that you need to look out for the welfare of your self and your son. He seems in no condition to look out for you.
For one thing---you need to see your own lawyer asap. It is going to be very important to know your rights and liabilities. Consider it as "information gathering". You need all the support that you can get---your own therapist---alanon----lawyer.....etc.
I am giving you the following link to a website that I think may be helpful for you. It is educational in nature, and is listed by State.
It can helop you to organize your thoughts and help you to know what important questions to ask a lawyer..
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Slauz, you are correct. His decision is rash and is not well thought out. Early recovery is no time for someone to be making decisions of that magnitude because he's not yet emotionally sober and his brain hasn't been able to heal properly yet. Any quality sponsor in AA would more than likely tell him to just step back a bit and let time to its work (providing he stays in active recovery). But, as another poster has mentioned, if he has his mind made up, there may not be much you can do. And if he's unwilling or unable to fight for your marriage, perhaps you would be better off without him. There are no easy answers, but I feel for you. Things like this are always painful. Peace to you.
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