Cadence57

On one hand I agree - An alcoholic's denial and a mentally ill person's lack of awareness regarding their respective conditions are very similar. However, the alcoholic is the only person who can do anything about his/her problem - no medicines can cure the alcoholic. The mentally ill person could probably attend every step meeting in the world and still not get better without meds that alter his/her brain chemistry. Many alcoholics are probably clinically depressed (without the booze depressing them further) in which case, yes, mental illness comes into play in that case. And like the sober alcoholic who thinks he can control his drinking, the mentally ill person, once on meds, thinks they can be OK without the meds... The two conditions DO have a lot of parallels but they are diametrically opposed.

I'm not discounting mental illness as being part of the problem with some alcoholics but I think that chalking the disease, in general, up to mental illness takes too much responsibility away from the alcoholic - making them powerless over their actions and thoughts when, in reality, they are not.

frankly

I think the line is determined by the consequence. A serial killer has a consequence to be institutionalized and so does the mental patient. And even the adic if their actions put some one in danger or they hurt someone. The consequences of emotional abuse and irresponsibility each and every one has a consequence that in essense estabishes the "line". There is no right answer. Each and every situation has a different line and ultimately a differt consequence. Just as each and every one of us has to look to ourselves to determine what lines (bounderies we establish) and what the consequences are for crossing those lines. Each story will be different and the lines we set be it adultry, or addiction is set by our own tollerance and ability to either live with it or move on.

wraybear

WOW! Thanks for all the insight into this. I struggle with this one a lot. And, I am glad a couple of you added some humor to this thread. I am going to place these on my refrigerator for a while...

Said Gelfling...
"A marriage is like a cruise liner. Full of entertainment, rough weather occasionally, but the sun comes out and all is well again. A marriage with an alcoholic/addict is like being in a dingy that's leaking and you're bailing your guts out trying to save you and the AH/AD while he sits there blaming you for the hole in the boat."

And Dee..."personally I don't think adultry could add much emotional pain at this point. I just hope she wants him and has enough money to support him--LOL"

Thanks everyone for all your honest posts and the laughter too! I LOVE this place!!!

AngelEyes82

Wow. It's funny that someone brought this up....I've always felt this way. I've always said that my AB cheats on me with the bottle. He loves it more than me, makes up lies, spends all his money on it....and back when I used to give him ultimatums (I don't do this anymore, since I've learned from Al-Anon that it's unfair to the A) he used to choose the bottle over me and I would leave until he sweet-talked me back home then went back to sneaking around. I see the parallels between alcoholism and adultery, however I think that they are two totally different things but the affects of the two can be similar. I would leave my AB if he cheated on me, but I know he can't help his sickness with drinking so I stay and try to be supportive.

prodigal

From a strictly legal perspective, alcoholism is not considered adultery. In fact, very few states (however there ARE a few) that recognize alcoholism as grounds for divorce. Mind you, this is merely the law and not necessarily my personal opinion. Most states grant no-fault divorces nowadays because tying up the overburdened system with divorce trials is a waste of time and money for all concerned. Even ugly child custody situations are generally settled by all parties concerned out-of-court.

I'm sure there are people here who have listened to Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Some people hate her, others love her. Frankly, I agree with some of her ideas and disagree with others. Anyway, her spin on it is divorce is acceptable if any of the "three A's" are present: addiction, abuse, or adultery. The only one I know of recognized by the courts is adultery. (Believe me, even mental cruelty or physical abuse are very difficult to use in order to obtain a divorce.)

As far as your Higher Power giving you a sign or direct answer as to whether or not you should divorce an alcoholic, I knew a woman who was a devout Christian who divorced her husband of 20 years because of his alcoholism. Of course, he was also a rotten husband and father and an adulterer as well!

Sometimes God doesn't give us answers to our prayers. Why I don't know. We just have to go on gut instinct. We certainly weren't created to live a miserable, lonely life with a disrespectful, abusive creep for a spouse who is basically conducting a "love affair" with a bottle of booze!