SecondChance22

Hi I am new...kind of? Trying to keep this brief but its been years. I am so lost and heartbroken. My fiancé and father of my child has left me. Weve been together for nearly a decade. When we met it was ove at 1st sight, He was so cool and confident and in my eyes out of my league We were just friends with an undeniable chemistry at first but we both sated other people keeping eachother on the backburner. Finally on Halloween night almost 8 years ago he told me he always loved me and wanted to make it official. It was the best thing I'd ever heard, yet I should have seen the red flags because that was also the night he got a DWI. He was supposed to pick me up after running home to change after work so we could go out. He never made it and instead I got a text from a police officer telling me where I could come pick him up. We used to joke about that.

Fast forward 4 years. We had our own apartment, our first dog and were madly in love. He came from a good family (although his dad and maternal grandfather is/was functioning alcoholics) and has the same job today that he had 10 years ago as a machinist which he loves and is amazing at. I was always a social drinker a caring nurturing person and I always knew he drank heavily but didn’t know about the alcoholism until about 4 years into our relationship. He was high functioning and not abusive or angry he was just a sloppy drunk if it was out socially or he would do it in alone all the time, hiding how much it really was and hiding the empties. In 2017 I don't know what changed. We just bought our first house and I thought we were so happy. I think back now and I truly can't put my finger on what truly triggered the downfall. He was a wonderful boyfriend but he needed a lot of coaching. He had only ever lived at home except once with a buddy for a few months and only had one semi serious relationship before me whereas I was more experienced in these things so I thought he just needed some "grooming" on how to manage bills, clean up after himself, being forgetful (soooo forgetful) yadda yadda. And he got there slowly. We rarely argued and loved to do things together. He would surprise me with little things and write me notes. I was in heaven. But he still had the moments I look back now and cringe over. The passing out on the way home in the car to the point I would leave him overnight, throwing up in my bed once, hanging on me/embarrassing me at concerts cause he couldn’t stand up etc. These things I chalked up as nothing and I feel so stupid now for not realizing. Sure these things would **** me off but he excelled at work, took care of us financially, treated me with love and respect. So did the good outweight the bad? Slowly his appearance started to decline (Our friends and family noticed more than I did and never mentioned it) and he didnt go to work for nearly a week telling me he was sick which was so rare he NEVER misses work. When I finally asked him what was going on and suggested going to the dr he finally let it all out and told me he thought he had crossed a line he couldn’t get back months ago. He had been falling asleep on the couch and instead of coming up to bed at 3-4 am he would start drinking and now if he stopped he felt like he was going to die. Of course the type of person I am I had to get him help immediately so of course made all the arrangements to get into treatment.

He did well at rehab and when he came home it was the best time we had had in a while. He was so alert and happy But he didn’t keep up his recovery program. Didn’t go to meetings or counseling or sponsor. Just did it on his own cause it “wasn’t for him”. About 6 months after he came home I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life and was “sexting” a guy I worked with. I SWEAR ON MY BABYS LIFE I never touched him or even sent pictures or anything it was strictly though FB messenger and it was so stupid. To this day I don’t even remember why I did that because I am not that person. I begged for forgiveness, blocked the person and even left that job. He supposedly forgave me and we went on to buy a house have a baby and he proposed to me this time last year. I’d like to believe he’s been sober since 2018 when for the time (that I know of him relapsing) after our daughter was born and He claims he’s been sober since but relapsed twice since HE ended it so now I had to get a lawyer to have him prove his sobriety for 6 months before I allow overnights. He blames me for this saying I am keeping our daughter from him even though I was willing to agree to 50/50 pending he sustained his sobriety, until he went and blew it. Now I am piecing things together that maybe he hasn’t been sober the whole time but how could I not know after all we had been through I thought I had become an expert. He told me he doesn’t love me anymore/isn’t attracted to me and hasn’t trusted me since that incident and is throwing thatback in my face after 3 years. How could he do this to me? I picked out a dress, we had a date, built a whole life together and literally just got back from our annual family vacation the week before where everything was wonderful. How could we do all of these things and have a child if he hasn’t loved or trusted me? I am devastated. He makes me think everything that went wrong was because of me and **** I have to change. I told him I loved him with all of me and didn’t want this but would respect his decision and would back off but now I am second guessing myself thinking I shouldn’t give up and tell him I don’t believe him and that I am going to fight. Do you think I am just pathetic? I feel Like such a loser and so rejected. I have been so supportive of him I changed my whole life around to help him feel comfortable in his sobriety. Have stopped drinking myself, said no to social invites/left early with him if he felt uncomfortable and have done so much research and gone to meetings myself. Do you think I should be going to al-anon meetings again even though I’m not technically the partner anymore? (God I can’t get used to saying that) I am so lost. All our good times really do outweigh the bad for me and he is an incredible father but I am terrified he really does feel this way and I am just living in another world. I am seeing a therapist and am desperate for help and to understand what the hell just happened. Thanks for listening I feel so alone and I am devastated that I couldn’t give my daughter the intact family she deserves.

LumenandNyx

Hi,

You can't make someone want you - especially if they want their drug of choice more. It looks to me like you're going to have to find a way to move on. I'm sure that's not what you want to read, but - I think you should leave him alone. He knows where to find you.

You're hanging on every little detail of your past together and - in the meantime - you're missing out on today and on the focus your child deserves from you.

SecondChance22

No it’s exactly what I need to read. I just need to know I tried all i could and have it my all for when our daughter asks one day which I know she will. It’s heartbreaking but I have to let him go since he clearly has no problem letting me go. My whole adult life so far feels like it’s down the drain. Would going to Al-Anon meetings still be something I should look into as a co-parent?

trailmix

Hi secondchance, well, that is a lot you have been through and no, you don't sound pathetic at all.

First of all, should you continue Al Anon? Absolutely. If you found your group helpful and supportive why not. Al Anon is for anyone whose life has been affected by someone using alcohol and you absolutely fit that bill. You need support right now and you will find some there for sure.

So what changed? You two were fine, the excessive drinking wasn't a HUGE issue for you or him, then he knew he had crossed that line, that he was addicted. You immediately got him help and off he went to get that help. That's all good, although him seeking the help himself would have been nice, your helping him is not a negative, since he was in agreement.

Then he returns, sober and casts aside all help. Staying in recovery is hard work, especially at first. The help might have made the difference between drinking and sobriety. Him saying it “wasn’t for him” - I have seen here at sober recovery many times.

Then he relapses. After the baby was born - was that "too stressful" or "need to have a drink to celebrate the baby"? Regardless, he is back drinking and may just want to continue. BUT he knows you are not on board with that, never were, he went to rehab, there are expectations now. Him sober, nice domestic unit. Now YOU are the one standing in the way of him drinking, you are now the enemy.

In a normal world, this makes no sense, because you aren't. What you are doing is insisting he be sober. To an active alcoholic, requiring he be sober at any given time is the same as saying no to visitation (however you are absolutely right to request it).

All of the talk of not wanting to be there over the last couple of years, well this is all post-rehab all "dry" times, now that he is possibly choosing to drink, that doesn't look like a good time to him.

He has made a choice and that choice is alcohol. I'm really sorry you have been so hurt, but, unfortunately, alcoholics want to drink, they are compelled to do so. Please understand this is not personal, he isn't drinking at you, he is just drinking.

SecondChance22

Trailmix, you really hit the nail on the head with everything you are saying. This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. Our future we planned and all my dreams have died. I never imagined it would get to this point. He claims he is making all of these decisions sober so these are his true feelings which I don't know what is worse to hear. I have researched the "dry" aspect of this disease and he seems to fit that to a T. I feel like I keep embarrassing myself with him because I am trying so hard to hold on to something that isn't there but I would do anything for my family. I would like to know how someone can turn their feelings off or lead someone they "loved" on when they have been feeling different for quite sometime. Its truly amazing to me. Its so hard to let go when a third of your life has been spent with someone who is now a stranger. Whatever you believe in or pray to, please keep my soul in your thoughts tonight. Thanks so much for your response.

trailmix

I hope you will read other threads here as you will find a lot of similarities. This is not the man/woman they knew, the one they married or were in a relationship with. Alcohol changes people.

Putting down the drink is just the first step in recovery, an important one of course but the battle after that, to learn how to cope without alcohol, to learn how to live life on life's terms - is hard and without that recovery support you just have someone (usually very miserable) that isn't drinking right now.

In particular you might find Abandoned80's threads helpful. They can be found here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...archid=8940126

To view someone's past threads, just click on their username (above their picture) then click on View Profile. Once at the profile page click on the Statistics tab and then on view previous threads.

Or to just see someone's posts, that is in the drop down menu from their name under their picture.

It is going to take time to heal your hurt, but looking at him with a different perspective is probably a good idea. He is who he is now, that cold man you have tried to get through to. He is fighting proving his sobriety for custody? Yes, that's him. He says he's sober but is he actually drinking now at all, do you know?

FallenAngelina

AlAnon meetings are for you, not to attend as a parent or as a partner, but as yourself (although in AlAnon you will come to be a better parent, etc.) AlAnon is for anyone who has been adversely touched by alcohol and the people who seem to get the most out of the program come to see that the benefits far surpass learning how to better deal with the alcoholic who brought them there. In my experience, AlAnon meetings are a great way to fill ourselves while going through breakups and struggles - a much healthier alternative than feeling alone and worrying in isolation or solely relying on well meaning friends. Much like alcoholics, our best healing comes in community with others who share our particular challenges in life. In AlAnon, we do listen and make room for newcomers who need to vent, but we don't focus on our misery, we focus on working the program. It can be a life saver to have a healthy wellness community that keep us oriented in a productive direction instead of trying to go it alone, easily slipping into worry and sadness.

Most AlAnon meetings are on Zoom right now. The good news about that is that there are far more to choose from than just the ones in your immediate vicinity. You can Google for meetings in your area or look beyond. You can attend with full video or you can opt to just listen with your video off. You can speak or you can just listen. There are very few rules in AlAnon other than the encouragement to "keep coming back." When you find the right meeting(s) you'll know because you'll look forward to coming back. Feel free to message me if you'd like some help finding Zoom meetings that would be a good fit for you.

dandylion

SecondChance----when you say that this is the most pain that you have ever been in, I believe you. You, surely, are grieving--and, your stages of grieving will continue through all of the (neceessary) stages of grieving for the next several months.
From what you have shared, in your post---you have never known him as a sober person. Unless a person is actually into Recovery--which is a process--and, not just having an alcohol blood level of zero, you will never have known him as a genuinely recovering person. It sounds like he is just "white knuckling" it, right now. White knuckling can last for a while, but, it is based only on will power and, almost always gives out, after a period of time. The alcoholic needs to become open to making major shifts in life style and internal changes---changes that include changing their previous thinking patterns and attitudes---which. eventually leads to actual changes in behaviors. This does not come about easily---it requires time and hard work, as well as a strong desire to live an alcohol-free life. They must be willing to tenaciously work a program of principles and live by those principles for life, if changes are to be maintained. This is because there is no actual cure for alcoholism.
An alcoholic who is newly "sober" (maintaining a blood alcohol level of zero") and is just white knuckling doesn't know themselves, either. They are still pushing down all of the stuff---all of the feelings--- which led them to using alcohol to cope with daily life, in the first place.

You said that you always knew that he drank heavily---and, you self identified as the kind of person who comes in and takes care of things---and, that is a combination that drags both parties down---eventually.

I am going to give you the following link to an article that is taken from our extensive library of articles. I think it is a pretty good yardstick---and, I think you may find it helpful in a practical way.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...full-crap.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap)

I am going to give you a second link to our library of Classical Readings (contained in the sticky section above the threads). There are more than a hundred that have been written by those who have walked in your shoes.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

about alanon-----by all means! You need all of the support that you can get. It makes a huge difference.

SecondChance22

Trailmix I have no idea. I had to move out of our home because he didn't want to live with his parents because he father is active and drinks every night at home. He is there alone with our dogs and I am at my parents with our daughter. He relapsed twice in one weekend when we first separated but claims he's been sober since but I had also found a bunch of different beer brand empties in the crawl space when I was packing my stuff that had different dates on them so I honestly don't know. Part of me wants to believe him but he's lied and hid it so many times how can I trust him when I am not there anymore? He claims our daughter is enough motivation and he doesn't want to sit around talking about it at counseling because that makes him want to do it more. But what gets me is that I warned him his sobriety would effect our custody arrangement when we originally were going to go through a mediator. I was fully willing to give him 50/50 and not go to court and he KNEW what he had to do and basically spat in my face not once but twice the second my daughter and I were out of the house. So now that I am following through with a lawyer "EVERYTHING is my fault and I am doing this because its the one thing I have on him". It's insane I never in a million years thought I would be where I am. I feel like I was running full speed and slammed face first into a wall

SecondChance22

Fallen, thank you. I need people who understand and though everyone around me had good intentions they don't get it. This is not a typical break up for me I was manipulated to the fullest extent and was so emotionally invested in this man from a very young age. I don't know adult life without him.

SecondChance22

DandyLion, thank you so much for the links! Yes I had no idea what dry drunk or white knuckling was until after he left and I was trying to find any information that described him he is all of that and more. He truly doesn't see what everyone else sees. There is something deep down inside there that needs to be dealt with. From being with him so long I've almost gotten there but he just pushed me farther and farther away. But I am gone now and that's it. I've truly tried everything to no avail. Now the court is most likely going to honor my petition that he completes a program in order to have his half of custody. But like the "10 Ways" article you shared says its not good to force them they have to do it on there own so now how does that work? He thinks that because he's gone so long without it (as far as I know) that he's good. But then how did you slip up the second I am gone when your daughter and your "motivation" was basically on the line. He makes me feel like I am crazy and imagining all of this and that it's really not as bad as I make it out to be!

SparkleKitty

SC, it's important right now to focus on doing what is best for your daughter, who has no say in this matter, than to worry about whether or not forcing your husband to complete a program will "work". Your husband's recovery (or lack thereof) is entirely his concern now. You can't save him now any more thanyou could when you were together. You can, however, keep your daughter as safe as possible and fight for what is in her best interest. As the daughter of an alcoholic mother and a codependent father, I can tell you that everyone focusing on the alcoholic left no one to focus on the best interests of their kids, and it let to many, many problems for me and my siblings later in life.

SecondChance22

Sparkle, thank you for your wise words and you are right. She means the absolute world to me and I am going to make sure I am the best damn mother I can be. I let him make me feel like I was doing something wrong but I know I am doing the right thing to protect her. I hope she sees one day I did absolutely everything I could to give her a good life.

dandylion

SecondChance-----of course, he doesn't "see" what everybody else sees. This is part of alcoholic denial. Alcoholics need their denial---this enables them to keep drinking. Because, without their denial they would have to recognize their own behavior and take responsibility. In fact, alcoholism is often called "The Disease of Denial".
Your relationship has always centered around him as the central focus of your daily life---and you have lost much sight of your self in making these accommodations.
t

SecondChance22

Its true and why I feel such despair now. His love was always conditional and mine was unconditional and I never saw it until now.

OKRunner

Dandylion, thank you so much for recommending the "how to tell when addict or alcoholic is full of crap" piece. It was so on point to what I needed to read today.

FallenAngelina

This is one of the BS statements covered in the article that dandylion just posted.

Seren

Hello SecondChance22, and Welcome! I'm sorry you are in so much pain. You are among people who truly understand!

You've gotten some really great advice, and I there isn't much more I can add. Keep close to SR and post all you need. You'll find tons of support and wisdom here

Mizz

I am so sorry for what has happened. This process is not easy and it may get more intense as the months move on. You are grieving. Devastated. Its a perfectly normal reaction in this scenario. I mean, your whole life, home, relationship just took a turn.

I see that you have set boundaries and conditions in order for your daughter to be with her father. Good on you! Keep those boundaries. Keep those conditions. Bring in the lawyers if that is what is needed. Keeping your daughter safe is the #1 priority.
As for continuing Al- Anon? I think its a great idea. Its to learn those boundaries and to learn how to care for oneself....as far as I l know? Read up on the forum. Stick around. Support is needed and that is what this forum is here for.

These words that he doesn't love you etc. Well, I think in anger people can say a lot of things that may or may not be truthful. He is hurt and so he hurts in return. Hurt people hurt people. Doesnt make it any easier but it sounds like you are dealing with an individual who is not exactly "adulting" right now.

seekingcalm

Hello SecondChance22, I am glad you have found this wonderful site, and of course am sorry for what brings you. What you wrote about feeling like you are losing your mind when what he does and what he says are not at all the same is so very familiar to me and to everyone here. You know what you know...Actions are everything, words not anything. Take care of you and your beautiful baby, and keep posting and reading. There is so much wisdom and support here, so many stories the same. Alcoholism is such a terrible disease, but stay strong. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you are fortunate to no longer be living with an alcoholic.
My partner has 10 years of recovery now, but I left him long ago when he was active, and I stayed away and didn't live with him for years. In the beginning, I felt sick to my stomach all the time, my dreams shattered. But I found this site, and al-anon, and I took care of myself, and realized that I wasn't crazy, or unreasonable. You never know how things will turn out...I wish you the best.