Feeling Like A Bad Person
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Join Date: Oct 2020
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Feeling Like A Bad Person
Today is my husband's birthday. With everything that is going on, I feel like I should be spending time with him. However, there seems to be this wall between us. We are barely speaking and, when we are around each other, we are snippy and impatient. I think my emotions about our situation is getting to me and it's causing this thing between us. I won't go into detail about it. I did in my first post and in my first blog post. But, basically, drinking caused him to lose his job which caused us to lose our home and now we are forced to move in with my parents until we can get back on our feet. Today is day 14 of him being sober so far.
Am I a bad wife for not wanting to be around him right now even though it's his birthday? I didn't get him a present because of everything that happened. Not even a card, and I feel like a horrible person. I always go out of my way to make his birthday special and, because of our current situation, I haven't done anything or gotten him anything. I haven't even spent any alone time with him. Am I being selfish? Am I being horrible? All I am doing is laying in bed, watching a movie, while I listen to what he is doing. I am anxiously waiting to see if he will grab a drink. I am constantly checking to make sure he isn't drinking. Ugh, I feel like a horrible person.
Am I a bad wife for not wanting to be around him right now even though it's his birthday? I didn't get him a present because of everything that happened. Not even a card, and I feel like a horrible person. I always go out of my way to make his birthday special and, because of our current situation, I haven't done anything or gotten him anything. I haven't even spent any alone time with him. Am I being selfish? Am I being horrible? All I am doing is laying in bed, watching a movie, while I listen to what he is doing. I am anxiously waiting to see if he will grab a drink. I am constantly checking to make sure he isn't drinking. Ugh, I feel like a horrible person.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 298
Originally Posted by TiredKitty 
Today is my husband's birthday. With everything that is going on, I feel like I should be spending time with him. However, there seems to be this wall between us. We are barely speaking and, when we are around each other, we are snippy and impatient. I think my emotions about our situation is getting to me and it's causing this thing between us. I won't go into detail about it. I did in my first post and in my first blog post. But, basically, drinking caused him to lose his job which caused us to lose our home and now we are forced to move in with my parents until we can get back on our feet. Today is day 14 of him being sober so far.
Am I a bad wife for not wanting to be around him right now even though it's his birthday? I didn't get him a present because of everything that happened. Not even a card, and I feel like a horrible person. I always go out of my way to make his birthday special and, because of our current situation, I haven't done anything or gotten him anything. I haven't even spent any alone time with him. Am I being selfish? Am I being horrible? All I am doing is laying in bed, watching a movie, while I listen to what he is doing. I am anxiously waiting to see if he will grab a drink. I am constantly checking to make sure he isn't drinking. Ugh, I feel like a horrible person.
Am I a bad wife for not wanting to be around him right now even though it's his birthday? I didn't get him a present because of everything that happened. Not even a card, and I feel like a horrible person. I always go out of my way to make his birthday special and, because of our current situation, I haven't done anything or gotten him anything. I haven't even spent any alone time with him. Am I being selfish? Am I being horrible? All I am doing is laying in bed, watching a movie, while I listen to what he is doing. I am anxiously waiting to see if he will grab a drink. I am constantly checking to make sure he isn't drinking. Ugh, I feel like a horrible person.
NO you are not a bad wife. He messed up your whole lives!!! He lost his job and your house!!! You shouldn’t have to take this! Also stop checking. Focus on your recovery.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
The question is, how do YOU feel about all this? Mostly you speak about how "horrible" you are for hurting him. Well in fact, you don't know what he's feeling do you? Also and this is perhaps the most important thing, you are not responsible for his feelings.
Are you behaving as you are (distant) because that is how you are functioning right now? Have you lost feeling for him? If you are punishing him only, well yeah, you would feel bad, but if this just the way you are right now, then those are your feelings and you are entitled to them.
The bigger question is, what is your plan, what do you plan to do about it. Do you know what you want to do? Can you two communicate at all? Perhaps the absolute best thing right now would be some time apart so you can both clear your heads? Is it possible he can go stay with a friend or family for a while?
How much do you know about alcoholism? You might want to check out the stickies at the top of the forum, this is a good place to start if you would like to:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Are you behaving as you are (distant) because that is how you are functioning right now? Have you lost feeling for him? If you are punishing him only, well yeah, you would feel bad, but if this just the way you are right now, then those are your feelings and you are entitled to them.
The bigger question is, what is your plan, what do you plan to do about it. Do you know what you want to do? Can you two communicate at all? Perhaps the absolute best thing right now would be some time apart so you can both clear your heads? Is it possible he can go stay with a friend or family for a while?
How much do you know about alcoholism? You might want to check out the stickies at the top of the forum, this is a good place to start if you would like to:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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Join Date: Jul 2020
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That doesn't look like very much fun.
It seems to me that you're honoring your own feelings and creating some space and healthy boundaries around yourself. I don't see a problem with that.
It seems to me that you're honoring your own feelings and creating some space and healthy boundaries around yourself. I don't see a problem with that.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi TK
No you are not a bad, horrible wife. You are a good wife that has tried her best to love an alcoholic, but an alcoholics first love is that next drink. Listen to what trailmix has to say, she was correct with that you are not responsible for his feelings You are entitled to feel the way you do.
The best thing you can do for yourself right now is look after yourself. Learn about the effects of alcohol. He knows that drinking has caused this to become his life. You have had enough arguments about it, but still he drinks. You could have a ton more discussions about it. Nothing will change until he wants to truly go and gets help.
Keep being strong and caring for yourself. Have a good evening keep coming back. We are here to help.
No you are not a bad, horrible wife. You are a good wife that has tried her best to love an alcoholic, but an alcoholics first love is that next drink. Listen to what trailmix has to say, she was correct with that you are not responsible for his feelings You are entitled to feel the way you do.
The best thing you can do for yourself right now is look after yourself. Learn about the effects of alcohol. He knows that drinking has caused this to become his life. You have had enough arguments about it, but still he drinks. You could have a ton more discussions about it. Nothing will change until he wants to truly go and gets help.
Keep being strong and caring for yourself. Have a good evening keep coming back. We are here to help.
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