salt740

I’m a little over two months out of a breakup with an alcoholic. So much in this forum resonates with my story. I’m 32 and he’s 41, if that matters. My ex was one of many addicts I’ve dated. I was going to al-anon during the first “magical” weeks we spent together, and I shared with him my struggles of dating addicts and how I was really trying to break the pattern. All of my immediate family members also struggle with addiction. During the first three months of our relationship I thought he was a social drinker, then the real truth came out. We moved into a 400 sq foot house in the middle of a downtrodden part of town. Like a true alcoholic, the craziness emerged in the form of illogical complaints and he would constantly yell and criticize me for things I never did or said. I really didn’t sign up to be with an alcoholic, but of course, I had subconsciously signed up to be a codependent. “Let’s try to keep it three drinks tonight,” I told him many evenings. In actuality, he probably drinks around 25 IPAs a week. Every day I helped him with his work, did all of the dishes and cleaning, and then somehow found time for my own work while he lay on the couch watching tv drunk. The only reason why we are not still together is because I had to travel across the country for a family issue a couple of months ago and a friend came to visit the house where I was staying. After we watched “The Devil’s Advocate” I just burst into tears, blubbering the longest monologue of my life about all of his shady, cruel, and upsetting behavior. She insisted that I break up with him and helped me craft an escape plan. I’m so grateful for her.

I’ll try to save you all of the predictable details, and just say that I told him we are breaking up or he has to go to trauma therapy, since trauma is the root of all addiction. I’m also certain he has some kind of gender dysmorphia and might be transgender or non-binary. I used to buy him makeup and he once told me he wish he had been born female. He said he would get psychiatric help but then changed his mind. The lying and the unpredictability are the only predictable things about him. Last week I realized that he had started seeing someone else. In regards to this new relationship, he told me, “soul mates don’t exist,” which is something I taught him. And yes, you rightfully assumed that he told me I was his soulmate and wanted us to get married. He also thinks that the only reason he treated me poorly was because "living with someone else was difficult for him" (we were living together due to the pandemic). All of this emotional vomiting brings me to my burning question: will I ever stop obsessing? I find that most of my daily thoughts are: when are they going to break up? Why is he so confusing? Will he ever get help? Why do I miss him so much? Did the fun outweigh the dark times? Will I ever find someone who I have so much in common with again (minus the alcoholism—I don't drink)? Will I repeat this pattern with someone else again? I cut off communication a week ago, but I still wonder what he’s doing — is he with her?

Does anyone else have experience with their head acting like a merry-go-round of the same pointless, depressing thoughts about their ex A? When will this stop? When we broke up, I fled to a remote beach town to embark upon a desperate self-help journey, and I’ve read the following books: Codependent No More, The Drama of the Gifted Child, The Body Keeps the Score, Attached, From Charm to Harm, and I’m currently in the middle of The Great Work of Your Life. I’m journaling, swimming, writing, and doing yoga. I’m sketching out goals for myself. I’m creating a healthier self-image. I’m in weekly therapy with a therapist who really knows her stuff. However, this continued obsession makes me think that all this gung-ho self-discovery stuff isn't working. He’s addicted to alcohol and I’m addicted to him. I’m trying to get on the wagon here so to speak, but I can’t seem to fully quit.

I would like to hear how anyone here effectively got over their ex A. I mean really got over them and broke the pattern of dating addicts for good.

NONIA

Well my x GF was a drug addict . She killed herself and I fell apart .
I tried to break up with her several times but she stayed after me .
I changed my phone number and she sent the police over my house to check on me !
Seems like I took care of everyone except myself .
It took years to get over her death , but time does heal .
Hang in there .
You will feel better .
Keep posting here there is a lot of support here .

SparkleKitty

I started by accepting my ex for exactly who he was, and letting go of the person I wished he was, or believed he could be.

Then I stopped giving my ex any more of my time or energy and started focusing on why I had put up with such disrespectful behavior, why I believed I deserved it, why I believed that it was somehow good and noble of me to set myself on fire to keep someone else warm. I failed at saving my ex, because no one can save someone else who does not wish to be saved. I *did* wish to be saved, so I got busy saving myself instead.

LumenandNyx

Everything you listed that you do - writing, therapy, books, yoga ... are things that offer you ample time to devote your thinking to either him or yourself in relation to him.

What do you do and what time do you spend on anything that causes you to focus on IT (instead of him or you two together)?

That's what I did. I changed my focus. Once I did that - I started feeling better.

trailmix

Well I have no experience of getting over an ex addict, really, however, I think focusing back on yourself is key here. You can read every book and listen to your wise therapist, but if you aren't actually buying the ideas and suggestions, it won't work (as you are experiencing). Unfortunately there is no magic pill, just have to do that work.

That said, the work can be enjoyable! Finding out what you want, what you like, what you want in and for your life can be a great discovery.

To one of your questions, if you read around this forum you will find many, many stories of people who felt stuck like you did and many who overcame that merry-go-round of emotions. When you are fed little crumbs of kindness periodically, that can in itself be addicting.

Also dropping your dreams of what could have been or how he COULD be if he wasn't drinking or only had "three drinks tonight”. That's not who he is and never was who he is, while he has been with you. I think it's important to see people as they are. He is not a recovering alcoholic, he is not a really good guy with a problem, he is an alcoholic with a BIG problem.

No, the fun didn't outweigh the dark times, but it can be how we think when we have left a less than stellar relationship. Have you taken time to write a list of all the horrible things about this relationship. You might find when you are ruminating about this that you tend to gloss over some of the uglier parts. It's important to keep them uppermost in your mind. When we think back on relationships we tend to remember the "good times", because hey that's how our minds tend to work, but you know there is a lot more there.

Why would you ever want to be around someone, anyone that would yell and criticize you? Even for 5 minutes?

FallenAngelina

A recovery program from codependence is the same as a recovery program from alcohol - it works if you work it. You're describing what is akin to being a dry drunk. Sure, you're not in contact with him anymore and you're doing all of the "sober" actions that you have heard are good for you, but you're not actually recovering from codependence. What happened to your AlAnon program? Being in a community of recovery is, in my experience, essential for real recovery. Like alcoholism, you can white knuckle through abstinence, but nobody recovers on their own. What program are you working?

salt740

Thank you everyone for your feedback so far! I really needed to hear that I'm "white-knuckling" it. I stopped al-non when the pandemic began since I find it hard to connect through Zoom. I found a good CoDA program where I usually live in California, and when I return in a couple of weeks I will go.
In terms of doing the work, the question "Finding out what you want, what you like, what you want in and for your life can be a great discovery" that Trailmix posed is a good one. I feel like my whole life I've had a very clear vision of my goals but procrastination and low-self worth have always gotten in the way. I suppose procrastination and low self-worth are one in the same. My happiest, strongest moments are when I'm in the middle of a creative project, but my regular paid work and of course procrastination often get in the way of progressing in those projects.

trailmix

I certainly think procrastination and low self esteem/ self worth can compliment each other! I used to procrastinate, putting things off until they absolutely had to be done BUT in the interim I was really hard on myself. These "things" were hanging over my head and why couldn't I get them done and what an idiot I was for not doing them and why am I letting this bother me anyway but it is. Procrastination can come with a lot of negative self talk, which when you are in to it (the negative) can seem wholly justified because don't you deserve this telling off from yourself! Well no you don't and it serves absolutely zero purpose.

Terrible circle and a heavy weight and is self defeating in many ways.

So I stopped procrastinating. Yes, it actually was that easy, I just didn't do it anymore, for me, I didn't want things hanging over my head, I didn't want to feel bad about not doing things or feel bad about myself for not doing them! Yes, it really does feel good not to have those things hanging over your head.

I still slip up from time to time, but the negative self talk is mostly gone and when I catch myself doing it, I stop. It makes a difference.

FallenAngelina

You can wait a couple of weeks and you can wait until external conditions align OR you can begin to feel better and begin to choose new way to do life. You have many choices and one choice that you always have is to choose something that feels better. You always have that choice today. Just as we can expect an alcoholic to choose sobriety today, so we can choose emotional sobriety today. Just like our beloved alcoholics, we never, ever, ever have to wait until everything is "just right" in order to choose recovery. Every single one of us has that choice - today.

salt740

Thanks, FallenAngelina for your help here. Yes, I really want to choose emotional sobriety today. I have learned a lot about myself in al-anon and received a lot of support in those meetings. However, I guess to get to the root of my reluctance about participating in zoom meetings is that it's very troubling for me to hear from members about their desperate struggles to stay in relationships with addicts. I remember at one meeting a woman who had been in the program for 20+ years told us, "it's really worth hanging in there until they need a liver transplant, like my husband did," and then listening to other members married to alcoholics tell her they felt validated by her story. I think it's really rare to find a meeting where you don't hear extremely disturbing stories like that or where there's at least one person who takes up the majority of the meeting with their share. My question is, is it possible to recover from codependence through other methods aside from 12-step programs? Also, most al-anon meetings in my area in California have been canceled due to covid. I will go to the in-person CoDA meetings when I'm back in California, which fortunately haven't been canceled or moved online, but do you think that's the only route to recovery?

I just want to add that yours and others' responses to my question have really helped me see that I have a long way to go in terms of self-acceptance and loving myself. Negative self-talk has pretty much been on autopilot since I was 12, and that's now a real, major thing I'm working on changing. Thanks for helping me see the light!

SparkleKitty

salt740, I found (and continue to find) recovery from codependence through one-on-one therapy. I saw my therapist for 5 years after my divorce, took a break, and went back in 2014 to finally address disordered eating. I haven't seen her much since the pandemic started, but I do check in from time to time for a top off.

FallenAngelina

These are really badly run meetings and this is not the AlAnon program in action. I am very involved in AlAnon service, I attend meetings all over the country now via Zoom and can tell you that I have never been in a meeting in which one person dominated with a share. Each meeting will have one lead-off speaker and new members sometimes feel the need to vent, but shares are timed and limited. We mention at the beginning of every meeting and we follow the guidance that the focus of our shares in on ourselves, not on the alcoholics. Certainly, nobody who is modeling good program will encourage anyone else to stay or to leave their relationship. The meetings that you're describing are not following the guidelines of the AlAnon program.

salt740

hi FallenAngelina. Would you mind sharing with me here or via private message the links to your al-anon zoom groups? It would be good to see a productive meeting. Thank you

FallenAngelina

Absolutely. I co-host a large and long standing (47 year) AlAnon meeting here in suburban NYC. I'm happy to invite anyone who qualifies for AlAnon membership (either active our prospective member.) Anyone for whom someone else's drinking (past or present) is a problem is welcome to join in. Feel free to message me here.

Missyfromkc

For me personally, I wasn’t able to kick my co-dependant addictions without a 12 step program. My group is also online and it is not the same! I miss having someone to hug. But I’ve found the God of my understanding has been able to move and do a work in me just because I was ready (despite the challenges). But maybe you need a different meeting?!?! No one should be telling you to stay or go in a relationship. That’s entirely up to you!

LifeRecovery

Salt740

I just wanted to say that the discomfort you describe was a part of my recovery.

I had to see just how co-dependent I was behaving, and how miserable it was making me before I could do something about it.

I just want to normalize that the beginning of my recovery was really, really hard, but that the hard stuff was what got me in and working on what needed to be worked on.

I did Al-anon, individual therapy, body work, a ton of reading on addiction etc in my recovery journey. For a long time they all felt like individual puzzle pieces but as I healed I realized they were all helping to create the picture that was me.

OKRunner

Trailmix,

"When you are fed little crumbs of kindness periodically, that can in itself be addicting." Exactly. And, when you put it like that, we all deserve so much more than just little crumbs. Thank you for reminding me. Also, after I read your post I made my list -- 16 bads and 1 good. Why am I remembering it so differently? Very helpful.

salt740

Thanks, LifeRecovery and Missyfromkc. It's really helpful to know that others have gone through this process of recovering from codependency and know how hard it is. I'm looking forward to CoDA in-person meetings in the very near future, and my therapist is helping me identify my negative thinking, which is also a long process in eliminating that detrimental thought behavior. Even since I wrote this initial post, I think I've discovered some deeply-buried self-worth.