Out Of The Blue
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 15
Out Of The Blue
I've Been With A Alcoholic In Denial partner For Around 7yrs...Seperated Not By Choice We Have Not Lived Together Since We Lost Our Home. I Had To Move Back To My Parents & He Back To His Mother. Financial Problems Destroyed Us. The Only Contact I Had Because Of His Work Shifts Was 1 Saturday A Week Where He Would Stay. The Only Other Contact We Had Was Through Our Game Consoles.Basically An Online Relationship Because We Had No Other Choice.
Then Yesterday Out Of The Blue After 3yrs Of Marriage.
Trying Hard Through Covid To Keep Us Going Strong.
He Sends Me A Voicemail Message On My Xbox1 That Just Turned My Life Upside Down.
"I'm Sorry Darling But I Think We Should Get A Divorce, You Deserve So Much Better Than Me"
Completely Deleted Me From His Friends List. Cut Contact Completely With Me.
I Feel That His Behaviour Didn't Even Deserve A Reply & So I've Given Him Nothing In Return Except My Silence... Cold Shoulder.
Deleted All Friends Who Can Lead Back To Him & Stopped Playing Games That We Used To Together.
I Am Making Out I'm So Strong But I'm Heartbroken.. Couldn't Even Move The Next Morning Because Of The After Shock.
This Guy I Have Invested & Truly Loved Has Treated Me Like Nothing But A Second Option To His Alcohol & Family & Friends For Ages.
But My Patience With Him & Unconditional Love & Support Has Been In Vain.
How Do I Stop Blaming Myself Thinking I Could Of Tried Harder?
In The End I Started Withdrawing Myself From Him.
He Had Started To Hide The Fact When At Mine For The Saturday Night.
He Would Drink Whiskey Through The Day Or Buy 6 Pack Of Cans While We Hung Out. But More Concerning To Myself A Whiskey At Night As A Night Cap To Sleep. & I Could Smell The Morning Shot On His Breath First Thing In The Morning.
I Just Didn't Know What To Say Or Do Anymore So I Did Nothing.
Hopeless & Given Up Hope I Just Left Him In A Denial Of The Alcoholism.. All The Rashes, Shakes, Manipulative Behaviour Towards Me, The Dying Sex Drive Because He Couldn't preform Properly. Hot & Coldness That I Just Ignored.
The Fact Of Knowing In My Heart The Man I Once Loved Was Gone.
But He Kept Me Feeling Loved, Desired,
Companionship.
My Man Is The Type Of Extrovert That Everyone Loves & Wants To Be Around Him.
Thats The Man I Find Hard To Let Go But I Have Done Because I Know I Don't Deserve To Feel Tortured With Being Double Minded.
I Just Feel So Raw, Broken, Betrayed.. 💔
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi HoneyRose,
Sorry for what brings you here. You have been betrayed by a partner who is addicted to alcohol. To him Alcohol will come first. Their is nothing you could of done to change him from drinking. That is something he has to do on his own. There are three C's that you need to know: I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, I can’t control it.
I guessing you have had many a conversation about his drinking and he has said he doesn't have a problem. I'm sure since you have not been living together the drinking has most likely increase. So he feels like if you continue to be together that the talking about getting help that he feels like he doesn't need will continue. He sounds like he is well liked from friends that probably also drink so he doesn't want to lose them. So it's easier to cut you out of his life cause you come between him and his drinks.
Right now you need to focus on you. I know your heart is broken from a man you loved, but he loves alcohol more. I know you were hoping for that happily ever after with him, but unless he gets help and cuts out drinking it's only going to get worse for him. You can get through this. It's may feel like an impossible task ahead of you, but you can do this. Be strong and keep posting question. There are not many people on the weekend here so that is the reason for not a lot of feed back. Trust me. Their are a lot of good and helpful people that want to see you have a happy life. I hope you have had a good day and good night.
Sorry for what brings you here. You have been betrayed by a partner who is addicted to alcohol. To him Alcohol will come first. Their is nothing you could of done to change him from drinking. That is something he has to do on his own. There are three C's that you need to know: I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, I can’t control it.
I guessing you have had many a conversation about his drinking and he has said he doesn't have a problem. I'm sure since you have not been living together the drinking has most likely increase. So he feels like if you continue to be together that the talking about getting help that he feels like he doesn't need will continue. He sounds like he is well liked from friends that probably also drink so he doesn't want to lose them. So it's easier to cut you out of his life cause you come between him and his drinks.
Right now you need to focus on you. I know your heart is broken from a man you loved, but he loves alcohol more. I know you were hoping for that happily ever after with him, but unless he gets help and cuts out drinking it's only going to get worse for him. You can get through this. It's may feel like an impossible task ahead of you, but you can do this. Be strong and keep posting question. There are not many people on the weekend here so that is the reason for not a lot of feed back. Trust me. Their are a lot of good and helpful people that want to see you have a happy life. I hope you have had a good day and good night.
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Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 11
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I recently received the same ‘ you deserve better’ break-up talk out of the blue less than 2 months ago. I am still so upset about it all but people on here have been great and advised me to read up on codependency. Maybe you will find that useful too? It seems no matter how much we love them
or do for them, the alcohol comes first. If you get in the way of that then you have to go. Someone told me on here that it’s not that he didn’t love me but that he loved drinking more. I guess this could apply to your situation too? It’s really **** and so sad and I wish it wasn’t so.
If you stick around I’m sure you will get some very good advice and support from the same people who have helped me in recent weeks. Look after yourself. X
or do for them, the alcohol comes first. If you get in the way of that then you have to go. Someone told me on here that it’s not that he didn’t love me but that he loved drinking more. I guess this could apply to your situation too? It’s really **** and so sad and I wish it wasn’t so.
If you stick around I’m sure you will get some very good advice and support from the same people who have helped me in recent weeks. Look after yourself. X
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,638
Hi HoneyRose, the most important thing to keep in mind, possibly, is that you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
It's indeed very hurtful and the only thing that will really heal that is time. The time though needs to be spent (ideally) focusing on yourself, what you need and what makes you happy. Spending time with people who love you and care about you is important, perhaps joining some Al Anon meetings seeing a therapist or counsellor, all those things will help you come to some peace with all this.
Yes, you do deserve better, no question about that.
It's indeed very hurtful and the only thing that will really heal that is time. The time though needs to be spent (ideally) focusing on yourself, what you need and what makes you happy. Spending time with people who love you and care about you is important, perhaps joining some Al Anon meetings seeing a therapist or counsellor, all those things will help you come to some peace with all this.
Yes, you do deserve better, no question about that.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Honey Rose, I think you might have some self-examination to do around your statement that he kept you "feeling loved, desired," because it really is at odds with all of his actions that you describe. One of the hallmarks of codependency is blinding ourselves to what is right in front of us so that we can maintain our illusion that someone else values us the way we want them to value us. Because if we really look at how they treat us, it isn't so--which is no reflection on our actual value, but a reflection on their inability to connect with others in a healthy way.
You can feel loved by someone who will never leave you, but that person is you. You can begin the journey there by accepting that he was not someone who could be a partner to you, and that you do indeed deserve someone who can be present for you physically and emotionally.
You can feel loved by someone who will never leave you, but that person is you. You can begin the journey there by accepting that he was not someone who could be a partner to you, and that you do indeed deserve someone who can be present for you physically and emotionally.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 15
I stand corrected
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Honey Rose, I think you might have some self-examination to do around your statement that he kept you "feeling loved, desired," because it really is at odds with all of his actions that you describe. One of the hallmarks of codependency is blinding ourselves to what is right in front of us so that we can maintain our illusion that someone else values us the way we want them to value us. Because if we really look at how they treat us, it isn't so--which is no reflection on our actual value, but a reflection on their inability to connect with others in a healthy way.
You can feel loved by someone who will never leave you, but that person is you. You can begin the journey there by accepting that he was not someone who could be a partner to you, and that you do indeed deserve someone who can be present for you physically and emotionally.
You can feel loved by someone who will never leave you, but that person is you. You can begin the journey there by accepting that he was not someone who could be a partner to you, and that you do indeed deserve someone who can be present for you physically and emotionally.
Now it feels nothing more than a kind of hatred for me.
To give you no say in the matter in cutting contact so ruthlessly after all those years it's cold & not Love.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 15
Urgh
Originally Posted by ironwill
Hi HoneyRose,
Just checking in to see how you are doing? Keep being strong and have a good week.
Just checking in to see how you are doing? Keep being strong and have a good week.
It's taken 4 days for it to finally start to sink in.
I'm not going to escape the withdrawal symptoms of breakup.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi HoneyRose,
When you have been with someone for 7 years you can't escape those feeling. Even though you were separated, I'm betting you still had dreams of getting back together and continuing your life together. Now your in shock from the things he says and your emotions are all over the place. Those feeling can't be just shut down. Part of you still loves him, but another part is like how could someone who supposedly love me treat me this way. Then to totally block and not even talk is cruel and causes you even more confusion. Alcoholics want us to be confused so we don't question their drinking. To them it's all about getting back to their true love Alcohol.
I'm sorry you are hurting. Just know that these feeling will get better. Just keep looking after yourself and being strong. You will get through this. We are here to help and answer any questions you might have.
When you have been with someone for 7 years you can't escape those feeling. Even though you were separated, I'm betting you still had dreams of getting back together and continuing your life together. Now your in shock from the things he says and your emotions are all over the place. Those feeling can't be just shut down. Part of you still loves him, but another part is like how could someone who supposedly love me treat me this way. Then to totally block and not even talk is cruel and causes you even more confusion. Alcoholics want us to be confused so we don't question their drinking. To them it's all about getting back to their true love Alcohol.
I'm sorry you are hurting. Just know that these feeling will get better. Just keep looking after yourself and being strong. You will get through this. We are here to help and answer any questions you might have.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by HoneyRose
To give you no say in the matter in cutting contact so ruthlessly after all those years it's cold & not Love.
The key at first is to be aware of the strong propensity to assign blame all on him or all on yourself. Blame isn't helpful unless your primary goal is simply to stay away from someone. If you really want to learn, grow and be happier in life, it's important to adopt an ongoing practice of improved emotional self sufficiency.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 15
Enabled him
Originally Posted by ironwill
Hi HoneyRose,
Sorry for what brings you here. You have been betrayed by a partner who is addicted to alcohol. To him Alcohol will come first. Their is nothing you could of done to change him from drinking. That is something he has to do on his own. There are three C's that you need to know: I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, I can’t control it.
I guessing you have had many a conversation about his drinking and he has said he doesn't have a problem. I'm sure since you have not been living together the drinking has most likely increase. So he feels like if you continue to be together that the talking about getting help that he feels like he doesn't need will continue. He sounds like he is well liked from friends that probably also drink so he doesn't want to lose them. So it's easier to cut you out of his life cause you come between him and his drinks.
Right now you need to focus on you. I know your heart is broken from a man you loved, but he loves alcohol more. I know you were hoping for that happily ever after with him, but unless he gets help and cuts out drinking it's only going to get worse for him. You can get through this. It's may feel like an impossible task ahead of you, but you can do this. Be strong and keep posting question. There are not many people on the weekend here so that is the reason for not a lot of feed back. Trust me. Their are a lot of good and helpful people that want to see you have a happy life. I hope you have had a good day and good night.
Sorry for what brings you here. You have been betrayed by a partner who is addicted to alcohol. To him Alcohol will come first. Their is nothing you could of done to change him from drinking. That is something he has to do on his own. There are three C's that you need to know: I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, I can’t control it.
I guessing you have had many a conversation about his drinking and he has said he doesn't have a problem. I'm sure since you have not been living together the drinking has most likely increase. So he feels like if you continue to be together that the talking about getting help that he feels like he doesn't need will continue. He sounds like he is well liked from friends that probably also drink so he doesn't want to lose them. So it's easier to cut you out of his life cause you come between him and his drinks.
Right now you need to focus on you. I know your heart is broken from a man you loved, but he loves alcohol more. I know you were hoping for that happily ever after with him, but unless he gets help and cuts out drinking it's only going to get worse for him. You can get through this. It's may feel like an impossible task ahead of you, but you can do this. Be strong and keep posting question. There are not many people on the weekend here so that is the reason for not a lot of feed back. Trust me. Their are a lot of good and helpful people that want to see you have a happy life. I hope you have had a good day and good night.
The advice I was given was to just leave him to it and don't hide alcohol in the house & don't make a big deal about it.
Honestly in my opinion what awful advice from a Alcoholic website to give me.
How's that ever going to show him he has my support.
I preferred my own advice just loving him & accepting him & not openly encouraging him to drink & not put up with his toxic behaviour or be in his toxic environment for my own sanity.
But I guess after that advice I felt that I was to just gave up on him completely & just leave him to it so I did.
So when he came to spend time with me he would drink.
I Saw him go through 6 cans of drink & half a bottle of whiskey in 12hrs.
Literally cringing in my skin as he sat there next to me content & happy drinking away while i said nothing & feeling I wanted to cry & struggling with the feeling of being pretty two faced about it.
I caught myself pondering it all last night that it might not be just the alcohol that has caused him to do this to me.
I thought because of the out of sight out of mind thing it was all about the Alcohol.
But hear me out, you see even though he has deleted me out of his life he is still sharing his games with me on the Xbox one.
It's called game sharing when one person can share there entire games library with another person. It's an Xbox1 option that saves a family who have two consoles having to buy a game twice.
incredibly helpful for saving money to.
I sent a message through a mutual friend to tell him I don't want to game share with him & cancel it.
But he hasn't at all in the last few days even attempted to do so 🙄
I know why ever he game shares with me he has access to my entire account, my characters, messages, etc.
He pretty much can if he wanted & can't be touched for it, could go play on one of my characters on a game & pretend to be me & do or say whatever he wants.
But it's that hold he still wants over me isn't it that is making me question if he at all meant he wanted a divorce & that he is just bluffing?
That it could be just low self esteem, worthlessness, depression mixed with self loathing & finally as stated wants to be free of feeling guilt over the Alcoholism.
I absolutely hate how the toxic spouse is able to make you feel hot & cold.
I'm at that stage atm of I want him back, I don't want him back.
His low self esteem has completely near enough destroyed him as well as myself.
Having to deal with a man baby who constantly says he can't do things or achieve things because he is thick.
Trapped in a box of working hard for low pay living in a small room at home with his controlling mother who hates all his past girlfriends & hates me.
No one is good enough for her son & she just wants him to provide for her needs & a very toxic family.
When we lost our home & he lost his good job he had to go back to his stern dominating mother who is the father figure she doesn't state her love or show any physical affection towards her kids.
She does however baby him, even gets him up for work because he can't function.
Things never have been the same as she has dominated over every relationship he ever has had..all ending in breakups.
His family wrecked & humiliated me on my actual wedding day so badly that my father told them to go if they didn't like the wedding.
They held that against me and my family & my poor husband was stuck in the middle every single time & still is pressured to let me go.
Being placid I never retaliated towards them & stated to my husband.
Your family are your family & they will never accept me so I accept that & will never get in the way of your relationship with them.
Nor hate or argue with them.
My family have showed him nothing but unconditional love, support & respect.
We also agreed as we are not a toxic family to just leave his family to get on with it.
Even if they gossiped about me in public etc.
Which got back to me many times & really hurt me.
Still I just kept my calm didn't retaliate & ignored the unnecessary hate towards me.
But I remember a time when he was healthy completely sober & enjoyed our beautiful life together for 3yrs before we got married.
But that's the past & it's gone, & so is the man I fell in love with.
The friends he has in his life online & offline do drink & drugs there pretty toxic people who encourage & feed of each other.
I stopped hanging out with all of them because I'm the total opposite of them all.
My goody two shoes personality I guess always made people feel uncomfortable. I was the light that exposed the darkness.
No one who is toxic wants to be around people who are not toxic for long periods of time.
So withdrawing from the circle was not hard for me.
I just played games alone, even leaving my husband to make his own choice of playing with me or playing with them.
Which felt like he reluctantly would play with me for a while on a game & then want to go back to the friends.
I knew then I was always going to be a second option.
His older brother who dragged him up with no father being around is an functioning Alcoholic who has been told to decrease to a drink a day or he's going to not be around long.
So my man has a history of drugs & alcohol.
Oh I nearly forgot from the age of 15yrs old he smoked weed & did other drugs.
When he met me later in his mid20s he gave his wild days up & settled down with me by choice of choosing me over the partying.
I'm allergic to weed & an ex teen alcoholic I learnt my lesson when my stomach was pumped twice from alcohol poisoning and nearly dying, leaving my family wrecked watching me destroy myself from age 15 to 21yrs.
My toxic lifestyle was started up from childhood/teen trauma from physical & mental abuse.
So with him wanting a relationship with me it was a make or break situation it was that life or me he knew this & chose me even though I told him are you sure.
So I know the alcohol replaced the drugs & he lives his every breath in a toxic environment & he gives the impression he loves it.
So I'm not after miracles I know that we're incompatible & there is no hope of saving us.
I can fool myself as much as I like but I know the heartbreaking cold truth.
He's gone...so I should just put in the divorce asap! & My silent treatment is not to punish him it's because I once was told.
"If you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all"
I don't trust myself & i know for a fact I would be extremely verbally abusive it's not worth it & I don't want to be that kind of person. 😔
Thank you for taking the time to read all of this post it's long and I hope makes sense.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
It sort of makes sense. The part that doesn't make sense to me: the two of you living apart, making zero plans or efforts to change that, and calling it a marriage. I can see HIM doing that, it gave him freedom and more time to drink. I'm puzzled as to why YOU would opt for such an arrangement. Playing video games from your parent's home doesn't sound like much of a life for an adult, certainly not a marriage. I know I'd want better than that for my relationships.
You've explained why his mother wouldn't have you in her home. It's telling that he wasn't welcome in your parents' home, either. I guess I'm reading between the lines, here, but it looks like your family didn't think well of him, either.
You've explained why his mother wouldn't have you in her home. It's telling that he wasn't welcome in your parents' home, either. I guess I'm reading between the lines, here, but it looks like your family didn't think well of him, either.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi HoneyRose,
A lot of spouse have though if I just love them enough that i can live with this or that they will change. Six beers and half a bottle of whiskey is a lot in 12 hours. Would make me cringe also. In a loving relationship you should not feel like your betraying them for something that makes your skin cringe. You should not feel like you can't say something. In a relationship communication is key. I know it's hard to do. I was that way. I didn't want to make conflict. Just took all the emotions and stuffed them deep inside me. This is not healthy both for yourself and for the relationship.
He has nothing to loose by keeping it live. He gets to keep playing games with toxic friends that he values more then you. Can you cancel it on your side or is it a two part thing. As for asking for a divorce over voicemail, That makes no sense. It's your choice if he is worth staying for. It's might be how he feels, but cutting you off all contact doesn't give you a chance to voice.
Sorry for what happened on your wedding day. Your husband should of stood up for you on this day.
I also agree with this quote and that was what i was told growing up. You gain nothing by coming down to their level of thinking and talking. While i won't tell you you need to get a divorce. Only you know what will make you feel better. Living with someone who treats you the way he does or filing and moving on with your life. You have to determine what will make you feel happy. Cause that what life should be about.
You have been through a lot in your life and have learned from it. You deserve to be loved and happy and not take second seat. Please try and do something that brings you joy. The road you are on takes a while to get through. Be strong and have a beautiful day.
I preferred my own advice just loving him & accepting him & not openly encouraging him to drink & not put up with his toxic behaviour or be in his toxic environment for my own sanity.
But I guess after that advice I felt that I was to just gave up on him completely & just leave him to it so I did.
So when he came to spend time with me he would drink.
I Saw him go through 6 cans of drink & half a bottle of whiskey in 12hrs.
Literally cringing in my skin as he sat there next to me content & happy drinking away while i said nothing & feeling I wanted to cry & struggling with the feeling of being pretty two faced about it
But I guess after that advice I felt that I was to just gave up on him completely & just leave him to it so I did.
So when he came to spend time with me he would drink.
I Saw him go through 6 cans of drink & half a bottle of whiskey in 12hrs.
Literally cringing in my skin as he sat there next to me content & happy drinking away while i said nothing & feeling I wanted to cry & struggling with the feeling of being pretty two faced about it
I sent a message through a mutual friend to tell him I don't want to game share with him & cancel it.
But he hasn't at all in the last few days even attempted to do so 🙄
But he hasn't at all in the last few days even attempted to do so 🙄
His family wrecked & humiliated me on my actual wedding day so badly that my father told them to go if they didn't like the wedding.
My silent treatment is not to punish him it's because I once was told.
"If you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all"
"If you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all"
You have been through a lot in your life and have learned from it. You deserve to be loved and happy and not take second seat. Please try and do something that brings you joy. The road you are on takes a while to get through. Be strong and have a beautiful day.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,638
When I felt no where to turn to I seeked advice from an Alcohol helpline. The advice I was given was to just leave him to it and don't hide alcohol in the house & don't make a big deal about it.
Honestly in my opinion what awful advice from a Alcoholic website to give me.
How's that ever going to show him he has my support.
Honestly in my opinion what awful advice from a Alcoholic website to give me.
How's that ever going to show him he has my support.
But I guess after that advice I felt that I was to just gave up on him completely & just leave him to it so I did.
The friends he has in his life online & offline do drink & drugs there pretty toxic people who encourage & feed of each other.
Perhaps at some point you might want to ask why you put up with all of this. You each living separately with your parents, really only having contact with your Husband via gaming, his parents being abusive toward you and accepting that, basically accepting all of this bad treatment. You are a worthwhile person and probably very kind, do you not require better treatment from people than this?
Anyway, maybe something to look at.
Do you have any outside support, therapist, Al Anon?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 15
Filling in the gaps
Originally Posted by velma929
It sort of makes sense. The part that doesn't make sense to me: the two of you living apart, making zero plans or efforts to change that, and calling it a marriage. I can see HIM doing that, it gave him freedom and more time to drink. I'm puzzled as to why YOU would opt for such an arrangement. Playing video games from your parent's home doesn't sound like much of a life for an adult, certainly not a marriage. I know I'd want better than that for my relationships.
You've explained why his mother wouldn't have you in her home. It's telling that he wasn't welcome in your parents' home, either. I guess I'm reading between the lines, here, but it looks like your family didn't think well of him, either.
You've explained why his mother wouldn't have you in her home. It's telling that he wasn't welcome in your parents' home, either. I guess I'm reading between the lines, here, but it looks like your family didn't think well of him, either.
We was financially ruined.
He had a unexpected melt down after we lost our home & no longer could cope,
He was unstable and decided to live with his mother.
And so I gave him a separation not a divorce.
So that is why we lived seperately with our families.
Later on in life we reconciled our marriage and got back together.
I don't live with my husband because his priorities have been looking after his mother financially or she would lose her home apparently.
I'm not allowed to see him at his home I'm not welcome as I stated his mother hates me.
He would stay at my family home Saturday to Sunday afternoon because all the rest of the time he works any shift he can get as work in our little coal mining village is very hard.
Now Covid has deeply effected our little village for work even worse.
His mother has lung issues and so because of Covid no contact at all for months.
So we had no choice but to use our Xbox1 to keep our relationship going online playing games & chatting together.
I don't work I'm disabled with a mystery illness that is similar to cystic fibrosis.
So that is why I game to have a social life because I physically most of the times cannot go out at all and socialise & can't be around people long either.
My husband has always been a gamer and that is a life we have enjoyed together as a hobby.
My marriage has always been a struggle to keep going unfortunately.
So I don't blame him to a cert degree wanting to end it.
He can't even look after himself never mind an ill wife.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
HoneyRose----I can certainly relate to the kind of pain that you are experiencing. I think that most everyone on this forum can relate, also.
Ironically, the pain of breaking up a relationship that has been toxic to us or not---is the same kind of excruciating pain. In fact, I think that breaking up a toxic one can be even worse.
similar to a death---and, in some aspects, can be worse.
In olden days---this kind of pain was recognized and respected by everyone in the community. For example, the grieving one wore black for a full year, and all in the community came to the support and comfort for the grieving one. Their pain did not have to be kept hidden inside---it was out in the open and respected. In those days, there was a lot of loss from death---due to accidents and lack of modern medical care.
It was also recognized that grieving a loss as significant as this took it's own time. That the first year is the most acute and the worst part. This is why so much support was showered on the grieving one. No one was expected to have a rapid, overnight "cure".
HoneyRose, I think that having and/or reaching out for support from real life others is one of the most important things you can do for yourself, right now.
Even though you are in great emotional suffering, right now, this next period of time can be a time of great change, for you. In fact, some of the biggest strides that many of us made are made in times of personal crisis. The School of Experience. There is none like it----lol
After reading your detailed posts, it doesn't sound like he has what it takes to honor and attend to a mature and healthy relationship---the kind that YOU need to fit your very legitimate relationship needs. It is true that we can fall in love with someone who is not good for us, in the long run.
Have you ever read "Co-dependent No More". If not, I suggest that you read it---it is an easy read and I feel certain that a lot of it will resonate with you. .
Ironically, the pain of breaking up a relationship that has been toxic to us or not---is the same kind of excruciating pain. In fact, I think that breaking up a toxic one can be even worse.
similar to a death---and, in some aspects, can be worse.
In olden days---this kind of pain was recognized and respected by everyone in the community. For example, the grieving one wore black for a full year, and all in the community came to the support and comfort for the grieving one. Their pain did not have to be kept hidden inside---it was out in the open and respected. In those days, there was a lot of loss from death---due to accidents and lack of modern medical care.
It was also recognized that grieving a loss as significant as this took it's own time. That the first year is the most acute and the worst part. This is why so much support was showered on the grieving one. No one was expected to have a rapid, overnight "cure".
HoneyRose, I think that having and/or reaching out for support from real life others is one of the most important things you can do for yourself, right now.
Even though you are in great emotional suffering, right now, this next period of time can be a time of great change, for you. In fact, some of the biggest strides that many of us made are made in times of personal crisis. The School of Experience. There is none like it----lol
After reading your detailed posts, it doesn't sound like he has what it takes to honor and attend to a mature and healthy relationship---the kind that YOU need to fit your very legitimate relationship needs. It is true that we can fall in love with someone who is not good for us, in the long run.
Have you ever read "Co-dependent No More". If not, I suggest that you read it---it is an easy read and I feel certain that a lot of it will resonate with you. .
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by ironwill
Hi HoneyRose,
A lot of spouse have though if I just love them enough that i can live with this or that they will change. Six beers and half a bottle of whiskey is a lot in 12 hours. Would make me cringe also. In a loving relationship you should not feel like your betraying them for something that makes your skin cringe. You should not feel like you can't say something. In a relationship communication is key. I know it's hard to do. I was that way. I didn't want to make conflict. Just took all the emotions and stuffed them deep inside me. This is not healthy both for yourself and for the relationship.
He has nothing to loose by keeping it live. He gets to keep playing games with toxic friends that he values more then you. Can you cancel it on your side or is it a two part thing. As for asking for a divorce over voicemail, That makes no sense. It's your choice if he is worth staying for. It's might be how he feels, but cutting you off all contact doesn't give you a chance to voice.
Sorry for what happened on your wedding day. Your husband should of stood up for you on this day.
I also agree with this quote and that was what i was told growing up. You gain nothing by coming down to their level of thinking and talking. While i won't tell you you need to get a divorce. Only you know what will make you feel better. Living with someone who treats you the way he does or filing and moving on with your life. You have to determine what will make you feel happy. Cause that what life should be about.
You have been through a lot in your life and have learned from it. You deserve to be loved and happy and not take second seat. Please try and do something that brings you joy. The road you are on takes a while to get through. Be strong and have a beautiful day.
A lot of spouse have though if I just love them enough that i can live with this or that they will change. Six beers and half a bottle of whiskey is a lot in 12 hours. Would make me cringe also. In a loving relationship you should not feel like your betraying them for something that makes your skin cringe. You should not feel like you can't say something. In a relationship communication is key. I know it's hard to do. I was that way. I didn't want to make conflict. Just took all the emotions and stuffed them deep inside me. This is not healthy both for yourself and for the relationship.
He has nothing to loose by keeping it live. He gets to keep playing games with toxic friends that he values more then you. Can you cancel it on your side or is it a two part thing. As for asking for a divorce over voicemail, That makes no sense. It's your choice if he is worth staying for. It's might be how he feels, but cutting you off all contact doesn't give you a chance to voice.
Sorry for what happened on your wedding day. Your husband should of stood up for you on this day.
I also agree with this quote and that was what i was told growing up. You gain nothing by coming down to their level of thinking and talking. While i won't tell you you need to get a divorce. Only you know what will make you feel better. Living with someone who treats you the way he does or filing and moving on with your life. You have to determine what will make you feel happy. Cause that what life should be about.
You have been through a lot in your life and have learned from it. You deserve to be loved and happy and not take second seat. Please try and do something that brings you joy. The road you are on takes a while to get through. Be strong and have a beautiful day.
He has nothing to loose by keeping it live. He gets to keep playing games with toxic friends that he values more then you. Can you cancel it on your side or is it a two part thing. As for asking for a divorce over voicemail, That makes no sense. It's your choice if he is worth staying for. It's might be how he feels, but cutting you off all contact doesn't give you a chance to voice.
Yes I agree asking for a divorce on voicemail message and not even giving me the decency to reply because of him already deleted blocked me is absolutely irrational behaviour.
I mean what was I suppose to do personally go to his actual house and reply.
Yes you can have your divorce.. lol!
It's a joke.
Or maybe even go through a friend to pass the message on.
I don't get it and that confusing behaviour is why I can't even take it seriously.
And I want to put the divorce in just because I can't deal with this pathetic behaviour.
His silent treatment doesn't even bother me because I'm used to being shutdown and neglected by him.
Unfortunately I've done all I can to cancel the game share on my side.
It's a two part thing.
Also just to add he game shared with me so I get to borrow his games not the other way round.
So I've tried to cut of my side to stop sharing HIS games and I then can buy my own.
But if he doesn't cancel on his side it stops me buying my games.
And he can access my account anytime he wants.
No privacy is the sacrifice you make when game sharing because you share each others accounts to.
But that's how trustworthy we both were.
Nothing to hide.
And that was something I was content with.
Proud even.. & my husband didn't have a phone ever because he's severe dyslexia and technophobia.
He hates them made it hard to stay in contact out side Xbox1.
my husband has never cheated on me so I'm grateful for that & probably why I stayed so long with him.
All my past relationships I've been cheated on every single time.
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
HoneyRose,
Marriage can be hard, but it shouldn't be a constant struggle. If he has the strength to look after his mother, he should be able to look after his wife. After you reconciled was there ever talk of figuring out how to get back under one roof? Even if it was living at your parents house, why he supported his mother financially. I know you didn't bring up the issue of his drinking to him, but do you think he thinks he has a problem with it. Cause the longer he has been drinking the worse he is going to get. His mind will manipulate and lie to anybody that comes in it's way of that next drink.
Having a unknown illness that is similar to cystic fibrosis can be hard on a marriage. I know the pain that you go through. My wife has multiple Auto-immune disease one being cystic fibrosis. She was using Alcohol to deaden the pain. I vowed to love her in sickness and in health. So don't put yourself down just because you have an illness. You deserve the happiness from someone that wants to care for you no matter what.
Marriage can be hard, but it shouldn't be a constant struggle. If he has the strength to look after his mother, he should be able to look after his wife. After you reconciled was there ever talk of figuring out how to get back under one roof? Even if it was living at your parents house, why he supported his mother financially. I know you didn't bring up the issue of his drinking to him, but do you think he thinks he has a problem with it. Cause the longer he has been drinking the worse he is going to get. His mind will manipulate and lie to anybody that comes in it's way of that next drink.
Having a unknown illness that is similar to cystic fibrosis can be hard on a marriage. I know the pain that you go through. My wife has multiple Auto-immune disease one being cystic fibrosis. She was using Alcohol to deaden the pain. I vowed to love her in sickness and in health. So don't put yourself down just because you have an illness. You deserve the happiness from someone that wants to care for you no matter what.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
HoneyRose-----wow. It seems like you have made so much accommodation, on your part, to maintain the wanted companionship and intimate emotional affection in your life. I can understand how a person would do that, because, after all, the need for companionship and some form of intimate connection is a powerful human force. We all need it in some form---as we have evolved to be very social beings. It is hard wired into us.
It looks like you have grown, considerably, beyond your teen/early adult years---and, no doubt, you will continue to grow. I suspect that you have surpassed him in your growth--to the extent that you two are not really compatible. It happens....and it happens to a Lot of us---lol.
Just for the record---being dyslexic does not mean that a person cannot use a simple telephone. To use a phone---one just needs to learn to push the on and off buttons. Then, one uses their human voice and human ears to conduct a conversation. One does not have to Text to have a conversation. (personally, I detest texting. I am older than you two, no doubt---lol). If he is techno-savy enough to do gaming, he certainly can talk on a simple telephone.
I can see that the both of you have considerable obstacles, due to the state of the economy and this dastardly Covid pandemic----as well as less that optimal family dynamics and some real medical issues. No doubt about it.
Even with these obstacles and challenges----Worldwide and over time, some people have faced obstacles of almost unimaginable severity, and yet, have manages to retain their humanity toward each other. Have managed to still be sensitive and generous toward each other. Have been able to sacrifice, in some instances, and to compromise, in others.
I really don't think that his "reasons" can justify his callous attitude and treatment of you. I suspect that a healthy relationship with Anyone is beyond what he is capable of maintaining.
I know that you are hurting, because your dreams have been shattered and you are shocked----but, you do have the right, (and I say, need) to be justifiably angry, and sad, and to cry and ventilate and express your feelings. I have, sometimes, cried so much that I caused the local water table to drop.
It looks like you have grown, considerably, beyond your teen/early adult years---and, no doubt, you will continue to grow. I suspect that you have surpassed him in your growth--to the extent that you two are not really compatible. It happens....and it happens to a Lot of us---lol.
Just for the record---being dyslexic does not mean that a person cannot use a simple telephone. To use a phone---one just needs to learn to push the on and off buttons. Then, one uses their human voice and human ears to conduct a conversation. One does not have to Text to have a conversation. (personally, I detest texting. I am older than you two, no doubt---lol). If he is techno-savy enough to do gaming, he certainly can talk on a simple telephone.
I can see that the both of you have considerable obstacles, due to the state of the economy and this dastardly Covid pandemic----as well as less that optimal family dynamics and some real medical issues. No doubt about it.
Even with these obstacles and challenges----Worldwide and over time, some people have faced obstacles of almost unimaginable severity, and yet, have manages to retain their humanity toward each other. Have managed to still be sensitive and generous toward each other. Have been able to sacrifice, in some instances, and to compromise, in others.
I really don't think that his "reasons" can justify his callous attitude and treatment of you. I suspect that a healthy relationship with Anyone is beyond what he is capable of maintaining.
I know that you are hurting, because your dreams have been shattered and you are shocked----but, you do have the right, (and I say, need) to be justifiably angry, and sad, and to cry and ventilate and express your feelings. I have, sometimes, cried so much that I caused the local water table to drop.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 15
Filling in the gaps 2
Originally Posted by ironwill
HoneyRose,
Marriage can be hard, but it shouldn't be a constant struggle. If he has the strength to look after his mother, he should be able to look after his wife. After you reconciled was there ever talk of figuring out how to get back under one roof? Even if it was living at your parents house, why he supported his mother financially. I know you didn't bring up the issue of his drinking to him, but do you think he thinks he has a problem with it. Cause the longer he has been drinking the worse he is going to get. His mind will manipulate and lie to anybody that comes in it's way of that next drink.
Having a unknown illness that is similar to cystic fibrosis can be hard on a marriage. I know the pain that you go through. My wife has multiple Auto-immune disease one being cystic fibrosis. She was using Alcohol to deaden the pain. I vowed to love her in sickness and in health. So don't put yourself down just because you have an illness. You deserve the happiness from someone that wants to care for you no matter what.
Marriage can be hard, but it shouldn't be a constant struggle. If he has the strength to look after his mother, he should be able to look after his wife. After you reconciled was there ever talk of figuring out how to get back under one roof? Even if it was living at your parents house, why he supported his mother financially. I know you didn't bring up the issue of his drinking to him, but do you think he thinks he has a problem with it. Cause the longer he has been drinking the worse he is going to get. His mind will manipulate and lie to anybody that comes in it's way of that next drink.
Having a unknown illness that is similar to cystic fibrosis can be hard on a marriage. I know the pain that you go through. My wife has multiple Auto-immune disease one being cystic fibrosis. She was using Alcohol to deaden the pain. I vowed to love her in sickness and in health. So don't put yourself down just because you have an illness. You deserve the happiness from someone that wants to care for you no matter what.
Had an accident 3yrs ago cracked my spine and it caused me a brain injury.
So yes I've been in the wars but I'm not down on myself.
I'm incredibly strong and a warrior.
My family Love him to bits and don't understand why he's done what he has done.
We all know about his drinking & very aware how it's destroying him.
Many times my parents offered him to move in but his controlling mother put her foot down. That is his biggest problem hes a mother's boy and whatever the hold on him it's the whole family who are controlling what goes on in theirs who joins the family.
I didn't pass lol!
My husband's Alcoholism is in my eyes not good at all I can only go by what ive witnessed.
A drink first in the morning,and a night cap to actually help him sleep.
Red rashes appearing randomly on his hands,feet,lower back.
A constant shakes in his hands.
Erectyl dysfunction that made me doubt myself thinking I was no longer desirable to him.
Stomach issues, Trouble holding onto his bowels, Nausea,Swollen belly looks pregnant to be honest. No conversation.
Drinking like it's going out of fashion.
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