Out Of The Blue
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Filling in the gaps 2
Originally Posted by ironwill 
HoneyRose,
Marriage can be hard, but it shouldn't be a constant struggle. If he has the strength to look after his mother, he should be able to look after his wife. After you reconciled was there ever talk of figuring out how to get back under one roof? Even if it was living at your parents house, why he supported his mother financially. I know you didn't bring up the issue of his drinking to him, but do you think he thinks he has a problem with it. Cause the longer he has been drinking the worse he is going to get. His mind will manipulate and lie to anybody that comes in it's way of that next drink.
Having a unknown illness that is similar to cystic fibrosis can be hard on a marriage. I know the pain that you go through. My wife has multiple Auto-immune disease one being cystic fibrosis. She was using Alcohol to deaden the pain. I vowed to love her in sickness and in health. So don't put yourself down just because you have an illness. You deserve the happiness from someone that wants to care for you no matter what.
Marriage can be hard, but it shouldn't be a constant struggle. If he has the strength to look after his mother, he should be able to look after his wife. After you reconciled was there ever talk of figuring out how to get back under one roof? Even if it was living at your parents house, why he supported his mother financially. I know you didn't bring up the issue of his drinking to him, but do you think he thinks he has a problem with it. Cause the longer he has been drinking the worse he is going to get. His mind will manipulate and lie to anybody that comes in it's way of that next drink.
Having a unknown illness that is similar to cystic fibrosis can be hard on a marriage. I know the pain that you go through. My wife has multiple Auto-immune disease one being cystic fibrosis. She was using Alcohol to deaden the pain. I vowed to love her in sickness and in health. So don't put yourself down just because you have an illness. You deserve the happiness from someone that wants to care for you no matter what.
Had an accident 3yrs ago cracked my spine and it caused me a brain injury.
So yes I've been in the wars but I'm not down on myself.
I'm incredibly strong and a warrior.
My family Love him to bits and don't understand why he's done what he has done.
We all know about his drinking & very aware how it's destroying him.
Many times my parents offered him to move in but his controlling mother put her foot down. That is his biggest problem hes a mother's boy and whatever the hold on him it's the whole family who are controlling what goes on in theirs who joins the family.
I didn't pass lol!
My husband's Alcoholism is in my eyes not good at all I can only go by what ive witnessed.
A drink first in the morning,and a night cap to actually help him sleep.
Red rashes appearing randomly on his hands,feet,lower back.
A constant shakes in his hands.
Erectyl dysfunction that made me doubt myself thinking I was no longer desirable to him.
Stomach issues, Trouble holding onto his bowels, Nausea,Swollen belly looks pregnant to be honest. No conversation.
Drinking like it's going out of fashion.
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Wow indeed
Originally Posted by dandylion
HoneyRose-----wow. It seems like you have made so much accommodation, on your part, to maintain the wanted companionship and intimate emotional affection in your life. I can understand how a person would do that, because, after all, the need for companionship and some form of intimate connection is a powerful human force. We all need it in some form---as we have evolved to be very social beings. It is hard wired into us.
It looks like you have grown, considerably, beyond your teen/early adult years---and, no doubt, you will continue to grow. I suspect that you have surpassed him in your growth--to the extent that you two are not really compatible. It happens....and it happens to a Lot of us---lol.
Just for the record---being dyslexic does not mean that a person cannot use a simple telephone. To use a phone---one just needs to learn to push the on and off buttons. Then, one uses their human voice and human ears to conduct a conversation. One does not have to Text to have a conversation. (personally, I detest texting. I am older than you two, no doubt---lol). If he is techno-savy enough to do gaming, he certainly can talk on a simple telephone.
I can see that the both of you have considerable obstacles, due to the state of the economy and this dastardly Covid pandemic----as well as less that optimal family dynamics and some real medical issues. No doubt about it.
Even with these obstacles and challenges----Worldwide and over time, some people have faced obstacles of almost unimaginable severity, and yet, have manages to retain their humanity toward each other. Have managed to still be sensitive and generous toward each other. Have been able to sacrifice, in some instances, and to compromise, in others.
I really don't think that his "reasons" can justify his callous attitude and treatment of you. I suspect that a healthy relationship with Anyone is beyond what he is capable of maintaining.
I know that you are hurting, because your dreams have been shattered and you are shocked----but, you do have the right, (and I say, need) to be justifiably angry, and sad, and to cry and ventilate and express your feelings. I have, sometimes, cried so much that I caused the local water table to drop.
It looks like you have grown, considerably, beyond your teen/early adult years---and, no doubt, you will continue to grow. I suspect that you have surpassed him in your growth--to the extent that you two are not really compatible. It happens....and it happens to a Lot of us---lol.
Just for the record---being dyslexic does not mean that a person cannot use a simple telephone. To use a phone---one just needs to learn to push the on and off buttons. Then, one uses their human voice and human ears to conduct a conversation. One does not have to Text to have a conversation. (personally, I detest texting. I am older than you two, no doubt---lol). If he is techno-savy enough to do gaming, he certainly can talk on a simple telephone.
I can see that the both of you have considerable obstacles, due to the state of the economy and this dastardly Covid pandemic----as well as less that optimal family dynamics and some real medical issues. No doubt about it.
Even with these obstacles and challenges----Worldwide and over time, some people have faced obstacles of almost unimaginable severity, and yet, have manages to retain their humanity toward each other. Have managed to still be sensitive and generous toward each other. Have been able to sacrifice, in some instances, and to compromise, in others.
I really don't think that his "reasons" can justify his callous attitude and treatment of you. I suspect that a healthy relationship with Anyone is beyond what he is capable of maintaining.
I know that you are hurting, because your dreams have been shattered and you are shocked----but, you do have the right, (and I say, need) to be justifiably angry, and sad, and to cry and ventilate and express your feelings. I have, sometimes, cried so much that I caused the local water table to drop.
Only plays his Xbox1 and has been like that ever since I've known him 7yrs.
Yes the more I've read what people are saying on this site the more I'm understanding and getting a deeper connection with myself and how much I have purposely dealt with. And I don't know if I'm right in saying this or not but I will not ever close my door to him even if I'm just an Ex.
But I will not be emotionally drained or manipulated by him.
I believe a leopard can change their spots if they really want to.
I did and I was so self destructive that my family saw my only future was a early grave.
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Hmm!
Originally Posted by FallenAngelina
HoneyRose, are you here for new ideas from this community or would you rather that we just listen to your sadness right now?
I've definitely been getting ideas thankyou 😊
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Location: Virginia
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Hi HomeyRose,
Don't feel sorry for venting. We are here to listen. If you don't get whats your thinking off your chest then we can't help. It good that you want to get new ideas on how to handle what you have been dealt. That is why you are here. You are confused and lost and have so many emotions running through you right now you don't know how to handle someone like that. They don't teach about alcohol in school like they should. The most I learned about it was you shouldn't drink and drive. I didn't learn what it could do to the mind and person. I learned what it does to a person from the knowledgeable people here. They have been here for me and for everyone else that comes here.
You say you wont close the door on him no matter what happens to your relationship. He will always have a spot in your heart, but you can't save him. He has to do this. It took a near death experience to change your spots. Lets hope it doesn't for him.
We are here for you as you go through this. I hope you are feeling a little better today. Keep posting and being strong.
Don't feel sorry for venting. We are here to listen. If you don't get whats your thinking off your chest then we can't help. It good that you want to get new ideas on how to handle what you have been dealt. That is why you are here. You are confused and lost and have so many emotions running through you right now you don't know how to handle someone like that. They don't teach about alcohol in school like they should. The most I learned about it was you shouldn't drink and drive. I didn't learn what it could do to the mind and person. I learned what it does to a person from the knowledgeable people here. They have been here for me and for everyone else that comes here.
You say you wont close the door on him no matter what happens to your relationship. He will always have a spot in your heart, but you can't save him. He has to do this. It took a near death experience to change your spots. Lets hope it doesn't for him.
We are here for you as you go through this. I hope you are feeling a little better today. Keep posting and being strong.
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Originally Posted by HoneyRose
I'm sorry I'm venting & trying to reply to everyone who has replied back to me.
I've definitely been getting ideas thankyou 😊
I've definitely been getting ideas thankyou 😊
You know what you said, as ironwill mentioned, about always being there for your ex, well some day you may not feel like it! Also, if you start making these firm decisions now, it can sometimes have you holding on in ways you think are good, but may not be good for you.
He will do what he will do. Worrying about him will tend to hold you where you are. Again, it will take time to separate from all this, so no rush. Right now just doing the next best thing for yourself will help you get through this.
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Positive Step 😊
So I got in contact with Alanon after everyone saying it's for the best.
Ive been given a contact number with my local Anon Rep to start attending meetings/sessions on Zoom.
Here's to basically starting to repair the damage that has been left behind by my husband's Alcoholism.
So tomorrow I will be officially getting that ball rolling.
By the way the last two days have been like I'm bipolar.
Incredible highs that I've been laughing and content to Grieve and feeling uneasy and tired.
I don't get it but I'm sure it's all normal to be like this.
Ive been given a contact number with my local Anon Rep to start attending meetings/sessions on Zoom.
Here's to basically starting to repair the damage that has been left behind by my husband's Alcoholism.
So tomorrow I will be officially getting that ball rolling.
By the way the last two days have been like I'm bipolar.
Incredible highs that I've been laughing and content to Grieve and feeling uneasy and tired.
I don't get it but I'm sure it's all normal to be like this.
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Location: Virginia
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Hi HoneyRose,
It's great that you are getting to your first meeting. While I had no idea what to expect i was determined to make the most of it. I am usually the quiet one who doesn't talk, hiding in the back of the room. To talk in front of strangers about how i felt if i wanted to. I'm surprised I didn't faint. But everybody there made me feel very welcomed. I did overcome my shyness and shared that first meeting. I came out of the meeting feeling really good. That i wasn't alone in this. I hope you come away with that came feeling. Keep being strong and let us know how it went.
It's great that you are getting to your first meeting. While I had no idea what to expect i was determined to make the most of it. I am usually the quiet one who doesn't talk, hiding in the back of the room. To talk in front of strangers about how i felt if i wanted to. I'm surprised I didn't faint. But everybody there made me feel very welcomed. I did overcome my shyness and shared that first meeting. I came out of the meeting feeling really good. That i wasn't alone in this. I hope you come away with that came feeling. Keep being strong and let us know how it went.
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🙂
Originally Posted by ironwill
Hi HoneyRose,
It's great that you are getting to your first meeting. While I had no idea what to expect i was determined to make the most of it. I am usually the quiet one who doesn't talk, hiding in the back of the room. To talk in front of strangers about how i felt if i wanted to. I'm surprised I didn't faint. But everybody there made me feel very welcomed. I did overcome my shyness and shared that first meeting. I came out of the meeting feeling really good. That i wasn't alone in this. I hope you come away with that came feeling. Keep being strong and let us know how it went.
It's great that you are getting to your first meeting. While I had no idea what to expect i was determined to make the most of it. I am usually the quiet one who doesn't talk, hiding in the back of the room. To talk in front of strangers about how i felt if i wanted to. I'm surprised I didn't faint. But everybody there made me feel very welcomed. I did overcome my shyness and shared that first meeting. I came out of the meeting feeling really good. That i wasn't alone in this. I hope you come away with that came feeling. Keep being strong and let us know how it went.
But I already told the woman who put me in direct contact that I will be quiet observing.
Because that's what I do.. I watch like a fly on the wall. 🤭
I think it will give me answers not directly of course to what I should do.
Divorce proceedings or keep it on hold it's very difficult choice. No one can make the decision for you.
But a big part of me wants to run as far away from him as possible.
The other wants to hold him tight and never let him go.
But still I hold onto no contact and stuck to my guns even though I've already had some flying monkeys come to disturb my peace 🙄
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Flying monkeys 🙄
Originally Posted by ironwill
HI HR.
I loved the Flying Monkeys line. I actually used that once a while back in one of my post. I hope you doing ok. Keep being strong.
I loved the Flying Monkeys line. I actually used that once a while back in one of my post. I hope you doing ok. Keep being strong.
trying to figure out for the other person how your holding up ect.
I just say in a polite way I don't want to talk about my feelings about the situation or him.
Before I came here and I wanted some insight into why he has treated me this way.Google brought up searches about Narcissism... 😐
I started to think if I was indeed a great pleasure of supply for him, and when he had drained me like a psychic vampire he's done with you.
I learned recently there are a lot of unstable mental behaviours out there that are similar to how alcoholics act.
Shocking really and food for thought in some ways.
Also It had to happen sooner or later but I broke down finally releasing my emotional turmoil and cried myself heavily to sleep.
woke up this morning just feeling empty and in disbelief.
That this is my reality now .. what makes it worse is when the men friends in your life start acting creepy instead of supportive.
So glad I'm going to start Anon soon it can't come any quicker.
By the way I'm in England just in case anyone wondered. 😉
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
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Hi HoneyRose,
I must say you are good with your verbal pictures (psychic vampire). There are a lot mental behaviors that mimic what an alcoholic does when they drink. I have seen it first hand in one of my kids. I know he is not drinking, but the way he behaves has some of the same characteristics.
I hope you are feeling better, sounds like you had a rough night with all the emotions coming through. Just know with each day it will get better. Sorry about the guys that are being creepy and not supportive. They should realize that you are going through a lot right now. Just be strong and try to ignore them. Good luck with your Al-Anon meeting. Like i said it really help me see that i was not alone in this. Have a great day .
I must say you are good with your verbal pictures (psychic vampire). There are a lot mental behaviors that mimic what an alcoholic does when they drink. I have seen it first hand in one of my kids. I know he is not drinking, but the way he behaves has some of the same characteristics.
I hope you are feeling better, sounds like you had a rough night with all the emotions coming through. Just know with each day it will get better. Sorry about the guys that are being creepy and not supportive. They should realize that you are going through a lot right now. Just be strong and try to ignore them. Good luck with your Al-Anon meeting. Like i said it really help me see that i was not alone in this. Have a great day .
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It's been a productive day so far 🙂
Originally Posted by ironwill
Hi HoneyRose,
I must say you are good with your verbal pictures (psychic vampire). There are a lot mental behaviors that mimic what an alcoholic does when they drink. I have seen it first hand in one of my kids. I know he is not drinking, but the way he behaves has some of the same characteristics.
I hope you are feeling better, sounds like you had a rough night with all the emotions coming through. Just know with each day it will get better. Sorry about the guys that are being creepy and not supportive. They should realize that you are going through a lot right now. Just be strong and try to ignore them. Good luck with your Al-Anon meeting. Like i said it really help me see that i was not alone in this. Have a great day .
I must say you are good with your verbal pictures (psychic vampire). There are a lot mental behaviors that mimic what an alcoholic does when they drink. I have seen it first hand in one of my kids. I know he is not drinking, but the way he behaves has some of the same characteristics.
I hope you are feeling better, sounds like you had a rough night with all the emotions coming through. Just know with each day it will get better. Sorry about the guys that are being creepy and not supportive. They should realize that you are going through a lot right now. Just be strong and try to ignore them. Good luck with your Al-Anon meeting. Like i said it really help me see that i was not alone in this. Have a great day .
Not interested in anything with anyone I'm working on recovering myself.
Cant make it any clearer than that can you.
I've just come of the phone from my Anon rep and she seems really nice.
Listened to everything I said and I even cried with her.
This has been the best conversation I've had in ages.
So yeah I have a spring in my step today already.
It's at night time that makes everything feel worse and I start to overthink things etc.
Definitely got to work on that. 🤔
Last edited by HoneyRose; 10-09-2020 at 06:05 AM. Reason: Spelling correction
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