SparkleKitty

At some point, the question of "Why is he acting this way?" falls by the wayside. It doesn't really matter why he is acting inappropriately (anger, poor emotional regulation), it just matters that he does, and that you are being subjected to it.

Stany

Good point. I tend to focus a lot on “why” with pretty much everything. Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is it’s happening.

Hus anger. His blaming (more often aimed at others, not me). He’s never happy or satisfied.

This particularly comes into play with my family - a frequent source of arguments that are particularly painful for me, especially.

dandylion

Stany-----perhaps it would help if you constantly remind yourself of the fact that it is not your job, in life, to make him happy or satisfied. His life is his to manage. just as your own is yours to manage,
I imagine that he has a steep learning curve in this regard. It may be painful lesson for him to learn----the best that you can offer him is----"Yeah. babe, I hear your pain---how are You going to handle that?"

Stany

It isn’t, you’re right. I’m a helper by nature (very common for people who end up in my situation, I know). But I’ve been making a lot of progress. I used to panic and scramble to try to fix any problem for him (partly out of fear of his reactions). I’ve detached quite a bit and no longer “fix.”

You’re right about its being a steep curve. He definitely wants/expects people to fix things for him, to share his reactions and feelings, to act and believe as he does. When he’s calm and rational he knows that it right, but when emotionally triggered, the immature child inside takes over. My therapist thinks it has a lot to do with his attachment/abandonment issues.