MissT33

I have posted here before, I appreciate the input and support I’ve received here. I have a 4 month old son with my ex boyfriend who is an active alcoholic. When I got pregnant we were already broken up and when he learned of the pregnancy, he said he wanted nothing to do with it, said a lot of horrible things including offering to pay for an abortion. Needless to say, we stopped talking. A couple of months later he resurfaced apologizing. Begging for another chance. Making empty promises that he’d quit drinking and be a reliable boyfriend and father. Things didn’t work out once again , it was apparent that he had no plans of getting sober. So we cut contact in January. My son was born in April. My ex contacted me last month asking for a dna test. I took this to offense because I know for sure that my son belongs to him. I asked him why he wants the test and what would it change? Well he disappeared again. I’m trying to make sense of his actions but unfortunately I don’t think there’s anything logical about his decisions. Should I even attempt to get him involved because he’s my sons father or let sleeping dogs lie? I don’t really see a point in trying to involve him if he’s still drinking and has no intention of stopping. If you got this far thank you.

Bekindalways

Argh . . . . no probably no logic here other than maybe a way to pull you into his drama. The baby could be something to get you to JADE (justify argue defend and explain) with him and help him to avoid facing his real problem.

It sounds like you have been through it and then some. I never had kids with my qualifier so don't have experience there.

I'm thinking that you will probably hear from him on occasion so you might prepare yourself for that.

SparkleKitty

If it were me, I would let it lie, and try to accept that as long as he’s active in his addiction he’s going to pop up occasionally to stir up drama. You are not obligated to feed that drama.

I don’t personally believe that an addict father is better than no father at all.

Seren

Pretty much what they said ^^^^^^^^^^^^

Congratulations on your sweet baby boy! Take good care of that little one and of yourself

velma929

It's totally up to you. I think kids with two parents have an advantage, as one will typically kiss boo-boos, and one will say, "If you rub some dirt on that, it will stop bleeding," and both of those things are valid, at different point in one's life. That being said -

I know one woman who wanted the bio-dad out of the picture, because she thought the child would be better off without knowing him. She claims she told him "If you'll sign away your rights, I won't ask for child support" and he was cheap enough, and a big enough heel, that he agreed.

With an active alcoholic, one can't really depend on steady financial support. But there are deadbeat parents for all kinds of reasons, aren't there?

trailmix

I think the worse type of parent is perhaps one that doesn't care and he seems to suit that description.

His request for a DNA test could have come from some drunken conversation with someone. Better get a DNA test, how do you know it's even yours!! Comments like that are cheap and require no thought, but people do this.

Then he disappears again.

He may think about this situation once in a while, someone mentioned drama, well this is drama (for him).

One thing I would recommend, but hey this is just my opinion, is that you always speak to your child about him and explain why the father is not there (in age suitable terms of course). Not in negative terms per se, just in a matter of fact way, like - You can't have an irresponsible person in your child's life when your child is so precious! Just so there is no misunderstanding later on about why you helped keep him (your ex) out of the picture. Also discussions about him being an alcoholic and what alcoholism is (further down the road!).

Then it is no mystery, then "Dad" is not some mysterious shunned figure.

And congratulations on your new baby!

LumenandNyx

Hi,

Your ex sounds like a hot mess. I think that the last thing you and your baby need is the drama of an alcoholic in your lives. All you'll get out of it are feelings of distrust, disgust, and disappointment.. He's not worth it. No one is.

Sorry.