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Old 09-05-2020, 11:39 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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We went to a counselor and when he found out that my XAH was actively drinking he refused to see us any more. We divorced over a decade ago and he is still very actively drinking. I am thankful that I am not a part of it.

If he insists on a date to come home make it a year from today. That is not too much to ask if he truly wants to work on his sobriety. You also need time to process everything and decide what is best for you.
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Old 09-06-2020, 01:33 PM
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Ducky, the answer for him asking you to tell him exactly when he can come home is “when I’M ready”. There’s a saying around here that if you really want to see if the addict is in true recovery or not, just tell them “NO”.
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Old 09-08-2020, 05:04 PM
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Thank you all, this is very helpful. Does anyone have experience with a marriage counselor who understands addiction and what has been your experience?
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Old 09-08-2020, 05:48 PM
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The only advice I have is that unless the therapist/counselor is also a specialist in addiction, marriage counseling with the addict partner is pretty much useless.
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Old 09-08-2020, 07:19 PM
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Thank you, I really appreciate you always responding, it is nice to feel supported.
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Old 09-09-2020, 09:25 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ducky12 View Post
Thank you, I really appreciate you always responding, it is nice to feel supported.
ducky, were you able to have a look at the threads I posted on the first page of this thread? Those are some first hand experiences of counselling.

I kind of wonder if marriage counselling isn't kind of jumping ahead a little too far? Your Husband really needs this time to work on himself and that should be his focus for some time to come perhaps? Yours should, perhaps, be yourself and thinking about what you want and what makes you most happy and content?

Although you are a unit, his alcoholism (this is his fifth shot at recovery) should be paramount for him right now and perhaps anything else will just have to wait? How would you feel about that?

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Old 09-09-2020, 10:12 AM
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Jumping onto the pile of wise responders here.

Im not sure how long your husband has been sober, but they say in recovery to wait a year before making any big moves. That doesn’t necessarily refer to going back home, so much as starting new relationships or ending established ones.

His soul and brain need to heal, that takes time. The year thing is exactly what I experienced. At the year sober mark, I felt I could finally trust my brain. Like my thoughts were finally my own, not tainted by addictive thinking or the aftermath of booze in my brain.

Your soul and brain need to heal, too. And that also takes time.

Your husband might fear for your marriage, and need everything to go “back to normal.” Honestly, y’all really shouldn’t go “back to normal.” Ever. That “normal” was addiction, that path needs to be cut off. In order to develop a new “normal,” it takes a lot of work and patience on both parts.

You are half half of this relationship. Like everyone has said, your life has revolved around his addiction. Both of you are accustomed to that pattern. He might be freaking out that you aren’t instantly jumping to meet his needs. You’re breaking a pattern and that’s unsettling. Its a pattern that needs to change.

Its up to you whether to tell him yes after a specific date or set of circumstances when he can come home. But you are wiser than most to want to give hard thought to what that looks like before answering him.

Does your counselor understand addiction, and the extent of the problem?
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