Wants to end life

Old 08-28-2020, 08:33 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
Wants to end life

AS is in treatment for alcoholism since Monday.. Calls every night. Last night crying he wanted to die and that he hated life. We have told him take one day at a time and it won't get better in the blink of an eye but it will turn around. I couldn't take anymore so I left my husband talk to him the 2nd time he called last night. Tonight I went to Alanon and missed the 4 times he called. He also called his sister 2x's but she didn't answer because she didn't recognize the number.
He called a bit ago and was saying again how he wants to die and hates his life. Said "I am giving you fair warning that I am not good and my thoughts are not good." He is 1700 miles away in a treatment facility. We suggested he talk to one of the staff there and he said not he will not be put away.
He said he regrets not taking his life 2 years ago when he had the means to do it but never pulled the trigger.
I did send his counselor an email that he is not well but she never replies.
Is this normal? He has been without booze for almost 5 days.
He has always been a depressed person. He is diagnosed with personality borderline disorder, depression, anxiety, bipolar plus has alcoholism. Not yet been diagnosed with adhd.
hummingbird358 is offline  
Old 08-28-2020, 09:02 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,885
Man oh man Hummingbird. You and your family are hoeing quite the row.

I don't know what is normal for someone like your son but it sure seems within the bounds of what you could expect for someone suffering the litany of mental health problems he has along with alcohol withdrawal.

I'm thinking you must be doing the one day at a time yourself. Ugh.

Courage to you!
Bekindalways is offline  
Old 08-28-2020, 09:50 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,046
I'm sorry to read this hummingbird, but you sound clear on your boundaries and your advice to him about what to do - looking for help where he is - seems sound to me.

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 08-29-2020, 04:48 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi hummingbird, Have you contacted the staff counselors at his treatment center about these phone calls and what he is saying? If it were me, I would make sure that they absolutely knew about his suicidal ideation.

Edited to add that coming off of alcohol is probably the hardest detox. I would imagine he body chemistry is in a state of flux right now. It's one of the reasons why a medically supervised detox is always advised. My stepson has been detoxed in a hospital about 4 times. The first time he was very depressed, combative, even. He has been in full-flown DTs a couple of times --once while walking the streets of the city where he lived (luckily some friends found him and took him to the hospital).

I'm so sorry you are all going through this! You remain in my prayers.
Seren is offline  
Old 08-29-2020, 05:19 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
SparkleKitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,448
Sending strength, hummingbird. He is exactly where he should be, surrounded by the very people who are trained to help him.

Is his counselor part of the treatment center? If she isn't, I would take Seren's suggestion and let the staff at the treatment center know what he is telling you. The counselor may not be writing you back because her relationship is with your son and she may have boundaries around discussing her patients with anyone. I am so sorry both you and he are going through this.
SparkleKitty is offline  
Old 08-29-2020, 06:29 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
tomls's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Out in the Stix of Southern Indiana
Posts: 2,784
Posts like this remind me how dark addiction can be and is.I hope your son finds help.
tomls is offline  
Old 08-29-2020, 08:08 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
I did email his counselor last night and told her that he was in a very dark mental state and at the end of his rope. I stated that he is really struggling and that I fear what is going on inside his head.
She said that she was going to talk to him today. She is aware of his borderline personality disorder and that makes him even more difficult.
I am hoping that she understood what I meant by stating a very dark mental state without saying suicide.
With his disorder his emotions flip like a light switch.
hummingbird358 is offline  
Old 08-29-2020, 08:52 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Is there a reason you don't use the word suicidal? I think it's important for her to know that, but that is just my opinion.
Seren is offline  
Old 08-29-2020, 10:34 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
SparkleKitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,448
I am not sure now is the time to be vague. If he is threatening self-harm or suicide, his team needs to know that explicitly.
SparkleKitty is offline  
Old 08-29-2020, 11:12 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
Hello,

Your son's comments about death need to be acknowledged by his treatment center IMO. I find it very surprising that no one there is addressing his desire to die or communicating with you about how they're approaching it/him. Have you tried calling the facility?

I see in your post that he has little trust in the people he's with and that might explain why he continues to reach out to your family and relay the same message. His comments need to be addressed by a professional.
LumenandNyx is offline  
Old 08-29-2020, 11:51 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hawkeye13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,373
I would tell his counselor what you told us. Please take care of yourself.
Hawkeye13 is online now  
Old 08-30-2020, 12:35 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I’m so sorry for what you are going through, I know that it must be really hard. I’m actually really surprised that your son is able to call so frequently. When my ex went to rehab the first week there was zero contact (rehab rules) and he had no access to his cell phone. After the first week I think he had 5 or 10 minutes just once a day of (rehab) phone use and I think he got his cell phone back after two weeks. I’m sure they do this exactly to avoid what is happening to you. He needs to focus on himself and talk to the counselors. Calling his family all the time is not productive. I’m sure this is a really hard week as he is detoxing but that should also be closely monitored. These people should be used to dealing with people like your son. I’m sure most bad alcoholics are like this when they first sober up in a treatment center and that your son is not an exception as far as his behaviors currently. Will he get a psych evaluation soon? I’m sure they will want him off the alcohol for at least a wek before they will consider psych meds/treatment for his psych issues. Right now they probably cannot really get a clear picture as his brain is affected by the alchohol. And I would absolutely tell his counselor that he is suicidal. Why mince words? I’m also wondering if this is also still your son continuing to manipulate you and your husband and playing the victim card on purpose especially if he really doesn’t want to be there and actually get clean for himself. From what you have said previously he isn’t doing this because he had chosen the path of recovery himself but because others want him to. Which will make recovery even tougher and not likely to succeed long term. Hopefully I am wrong and he has really changed his mind on why he is doing recovery. Is the treatment facility offering a family week at all? If they do I would recommend going even though you are far away.
Sleepyhollo is offline  
Old 09-01-2020, 01:19 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
He was able to see the therapist today and she feels he has PTSD along with this borderline personality disorder and addiction. The other treatment center mentioned evaluating him for adult adhd but never did. This therapist is leaning more towards PTSD.
He called to tell us that today and said he needed to see his therapist again later today. He was very on edge.
I have no clue what could have happened to him. Just no clue. He was cutting when he started puberty which we only found out 4 years after.
So far I have had not much contact with the treatment center/therapist. Nothing was mentioned about family week.
hummingbird358 is offline  
Old 09-01-2020, 04:21 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
It sounds as though your son is in a place where they are keeping a close eye on him, and that's great news, hummingbird! I know that you are worried, and it sounds like he will need ongoing help. I hope and pray that this will be the beginning of a new direction for him!

Only time will tell what may have happened to your son and when. You may never know. It may be something he or his therapist will never be able to discuss with you. It does sound, though, that things are moving forward.

Time takes time, I'm afraid. Please try to get some rest!
Seren is offline  
Old 09-10-2020, 12:33 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think it's good that he is in an environment that they are there to help him.

Remind me, do you have your own therapist? That's alot to deal with, one may be very helpful if not.

Big huge hugs!
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 09-19-2020, 12:13 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
My son will be discharged on Tuesday. Refused to stay longer than 30 days, refused sober living, refused to do IOP. Says he just needed to go to get his head on straight and he will be good.... So he is going back to living alone in his apartment which he is scared to death to go back to... Makes sense right? Refuses to do sober living because the last one he was at over 19 months ago didn't work out so well. Plus, he wants to get into a relationship right away because he NEEDS to have a girlfriend. No matter how many times he was told to work on himself before he will be able to have a rewarding relationship he won't listen.
I am told to be positive... I did speak to his counselor. She told me he is extremely depressed... I know once he is alone with no one around that will even escalate. Nothing I can do being over 1500 miles away. He is in God's hands. We have done all we can to offer help. We even offered a great incentive to do just 2 months of sober living and he could save money but nope. (He is moving to a new apartment at the end of Nov.. He found a roommate who is moving to the area and they seem to have some things in common. He is drug free so that is a plus.) Just for 2 months he wouldn't do sober living...
We told him yesterday that we were done helping now. This was the last time. He is hell bent on getting a car and was looking for us to help with a down payment. We told him no- he would need to have a much longer sober time under his belt and prove he was on the right path before we even consider such a thing. If he wants a car, that is on him. Oh my, do I fear him behind the wheel.
He did show interest in getting some help for his borderline personality disorder which is a good thing but I am not sure he will follow through.
I am reading a lot on that and trying to gain an understanding. That combined with addiction is double the manipulation and angry outbursts, etc.
I do have a therapist but I just don't feel it is helping. I went to Alanon and with the pandemic there was only me and 1 other person there the last time. I do need to find a new meeting place or look online for one.
My son will be going back to his working from home immediately but the isolation living alone gets to him. His choice though we offered sober living.
hummingbird358 is offline  
Old 09-19-2020, 03:42 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,885
Originally Posted by hummingbird358 View Post
My son will be discharged on Tuesday. Refused to stay longer than 30 days, refused sober living, refused to do IOP. Says he just needed to go to get his head on straight and he will be good.... So he is going back to living alone in his apartment which he is scared to death to go back to... Makes sense right? Refuses to do sober living because the last one he was at over 19 months ago didn't work out so well. Plus, he wants to get into a relationship right away because he NEEDS to have a girlfriend. No matter how many times he was told to work on himself before he will be able to have a rewarding relationship he won't listen.
I am told to be positive... I did speak to his counselor. She told me he is extremely depressed... I know once he is alone with no one around that will even escalate. Nothing I can do being over 1500 miles away. He is in God's hands. We have done all we can to offer help. We even offered a great incentive to do just 2 months of sober living and he could save money but nope. (He is moving to a new apartment at the end of Nov.. He found a roommate who is moving to the area and they seem to have some things in common. He is drug free so that is a plus.) Just for 2 months he wouldn't do sober living...
We told him yesterday that we were done helping now. This was the last time. He is hell bent on getting a car and was looking for us to help with a down payment. We told him no- he would need to have a much longer sober time under his belt and prove he was on the right path before we even consider such a thing. If he wants a car, that is on him. Oh my, do I fear him behind the wheel.
He did show interest in getting some help for his borderline personality disorder which is a good thing but I am not sure he will follow through.
I am reading a lot on that and trying to gain an understanding. That combined with addiction is double the manipulation and angry outbursts, etc.
I do have a therapist but I just don't feel it is helping. I went to Alanon and with the pandemic there was only me and 1 other person there the last time. I do need to find a new meeting place or look online for one.
My son will be going back to his working from home immediately but the isolation living alone gets to him. His choice though we offered sober living.
Hey Hummingbird,

Thanks for the update. I think of you and your family a lot. This seems like such a hardship to bear when it is your own child.

Sounds like things are preceding about the way you all probably expected but not as you hoped.

I'm giving you a sitting ovation for saying "no" to more help for him specially where it would give him access to a car.

Please, keep seeking ways to take care of yourself in whatever way you can and let us know how it goes.

Bekindalways is offline  
Old 09-19-2020, 08:41 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Zevin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
Hi Hummingbird! I too think of you and your family often. It’s a heartbreaking situation you are in. I absolutely think you are doing the right thing by sticking to your boundaries.
It’s up to him now—sink or swim time. You’ve given him so much support. He’s got the tools to help himself and if he uses them he can pull his life together.
Just wanted to send you support and prayers. Take care of yourself and keep us updated.
Zevin is offline  
Old 09-20-2020, 05:59 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
Seren's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hummingbird, you, your son, and your husband have been in my prayers, and that will continue. I'm so sorry to hear that he has refused sober living. I can only pray that he makes the next right choice!
Seren is offline  
Old 09-20-2020, 01:31 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
He seriously wants to make me jump off of a bridge. He called today and now is thinking about moving to a new state and getting a job there... He said his emotional mind and his rational mind are at war. He just found a roommate to live with at the end of November and was so excited for that last week... now 5 days later... we are applying for jobs in a state where we know no one, will have to search for a new apartment, etc. He even admitted there are more opportunities where he is living now than if he moved!
He is worried about going back to his apartment alone.... His sponsor was supposed to come and have coffee with him the night he gets discharged but that fell through so he will be alone. With the covid, the meeting for his chip he will miss...
I so wanted to SCREAM if you would do sober living you would NOT be alone! BUT I bit my tongue because it makes things even worse.. Husband said to stop trying to control him...
We told him he is not even 30 days sober so his mind will be all over the place... why not wait for a few months and see if things become more clear.
hummingbird358 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:31 PM.