MysticCat

Ok, I am going out on a limb here, but I need unbiased opinions. I have been married for five years to an A. He doesnt admit he has a problem. When he has been drinking (which is every night) he gets beligerent, and somewhat verbally abusive, especially to my teenage daughter who is not his. We have two young children together. So, this is my dilemma. By no fault of my own, I have met someone who I seem to have a deep connection with. This man found me and is pursuing me. I find myself falling for him, and feeling like he was brought into my life for a reason. Although I have done nothing wrong, not acted on these feelings, I cannot get him out of my head and I am feeling really guilty for this. (he doesnt drink at all) He wants to be with me. He has made it clear that when the time is right, we will be together. He has respected all my wishes of giving me space and not pressuring me. I wont lie, thoughts of leaving my husband has crossed my mind in the past, but I am feeling a bit blindsided by this whole new situation. I am not a newcomer, I have been dealing with the 12 steps my whole life. I work my program, and I have been detached for a while now, just living the motions of being married, but very lonely. So I pose this question, what would you all do if this were you? I am really having trouble deciding between my heart and my head. And ironically enough, I dont want to hurt my A! Any thoughts would be appreciated!

Thanks

MysticCat

best

That one statement... could it be a form of Denial? Justification?

Looking over your post and having been there, done that to a degree.
I would say good back over your steps. Think things through.
Jumping from one relationship right into another is never a good idea.
Grass is always greener... well the grass still needs to be mowed in any case.
Get yourself doing what is best for you and the children. Get to meetings. Go through the 12 steps.

You are looking at major changes. Such things should be thought out deeply.
Should put some time between things as well. If you are going to end one relationship, you should take time to heal before even thinking of starting a new one. What may look like better... is it what you want for a future or just giving you a feeling at the moment that has you think it is better? Do you want just better or would you want Wonderfully better?
Truly must think this through 100% or you could end up being in a place you won't like a few years down the road.

Magichappens

MysticCat,
There is a right way to do things.If you are ready to leave your husband to seek a new life, that is probably your first priority. Running from a situation that is bad, to one that seems to fix you may not be a wise decision. Where ever you go, there you are.

I don't know how much recovery you have, but seeking something outside myself to fix something inside myself is usually only a temporary fix. Like a drink to an alcoholic. The problems are still inside, waiting to ruin another relationship.

I am not one to judge anyone. Looking back, I have done some crazy things because I let my feelings drive me. I have hurt others and hurt myself. Taking a look at myself and learning to love myself has helped me to make saner and wiser choices for myself.

The decision is up to you. But it might be a good idea to take a look at why you are trying to find happiness in someone else. Hugs, Magic

bjmt

Mystic Cat,my thoughts are with you.

MysticCat

Ok, I guess this will teach me to post when I am tired! I am no where near ready to jump into the waters of a new relationship. And the line of "no fault of my own" was intended to get the point of the fact that I wasn't looking, like I said, he found me. He is a friend and one day blurted out how much he is in love with me. I guess I was looking for more along the lines of spiritual thoughts, as in who believes in fate, or should I be looking at the fact that this is a sign telling me that I am projecting that I am worth something. I think my intent of this thread got lost somewhere. I guess I am just trying to portray that in effect if we project ourselves in a healthy manor, is it possible we attract healthy people?If and when I decide to leave my A, it will be for a healthier me and my kids, not for another man.

Blessed Be
MysticCat

Dee at Mt Bully

I think all of us who are here and working this program hope to find a healthier us in
the rubble and certainly when we get ourselves dusted off and picked up again I think
we will attract and be attracted to a healthy person. So this may very well be a sign
that all your hard work is paying off. Of course you will want to look long and hard at
the AH and decide if that is truly over for you. I know for me I am only going through the motions with my AH-no physical just mutual business dealings. This is pretty much
his decission because he does not want to work on himself so he avoids me. I'm sure
I'm close to that big decission just not quite strong enough yet. I hope my babbaling
helps. Somehow I believe you will give this lots of thought. I also think the sun will
shine for you soon. Smiles Dee

Cando

What came to my mind here, was that this man serves as a diversion. He diverts you from giving yourself what you need. Right now you don't need another needy person. He also diverts your attention from your H.

Cap3

Hi,if the grass "looks" greener on the other side.you can bet that their water bill is higher..In any relationship there will be issues.Did i attract healthy folks as im becoming healthier myself?Am i attracting healthy folks?Im not sure,really.Some folks i thought as having it together,didnt.And the ones i thought,were in no way healthy,actually were,or became healthy...My judgements are mine.I own them.Comming from inside of me.Has nothing to do with another.Folks change all the time.Like myself..What i consider as a healthy person,may look to you as not,healthy.Ive heard water seeks its own level..If that helps?Question if i may.Is a friend,who knows that your married,confesses his love for you,how healthy is that?Is this being respectful to your marriage,even if its not going well,and while your still married?He says he is not going to piut pressure on you.Yet he claims his love for you,why?For myself,i would run for da hills,on this one.However its up to you,to decide who is healthy in your life.Take time,...Different strokes,for the many different folks..
Thanks for letting me share,,
God Bless take care!!!

MysticCat

Thank you so much for all of your replies. I wasnt looking for any sugar coating, so thanks for being honest. And I love the statement about the grass being greener! Never really looked at it that way. I am doing what I need to in order to be confident that any decision I make will be based on what I feel is best for ME and my kids. Yes, it is a nice perk to feel desired and told I am special, since the one who promised me the world has done nothing but make it crumble. However, I am not running into his open arms just because they are open. Thank you all for your opinions!

Blessings,
MysticCat

dax

You have a hard decision to make. My husband has cheated on me after he got sober. I have never thought bout cheatinng on him EXCEPT I used to dream about someomne coming to rescue me when my husband was drinking and so hard to live with. I would certainly not cross over any lines with this other man until you decide if you want to divorce your husband. You could really get in a big mess having an affair. I gather this man is single- otherwise RUN!! Have you considerd seperating fron your AH and see how it is to live alone? To tell you the truth, continued talking to your man friend is not wise but I couldn't blame you one bit if youi did. Liv ing with a drunk is hell. Hugs dax

Cadence57

MysticCat,
You said your marriage is basically over and you're simply going through the motions... if that is true and you're ready to call it quits, do so. But don't do it because you think there might be something better waiting in the wings. Been there, done that and 12 years later I'm still alone... at least I'm alone now by choice

fancy

If you want to leave leave....take care of the daughter who is at the end of his abuse and your other two children. I certainly don't blame you for wanting or needing attention from a healthier person. We all thrive when we recieve attention. I speak as a daughter of an alcoholic, my mom never felt attractive or special, until my dad died and she met up with her high school love, they only had two years together, before she was struck down with cancer.....life is so short, most things we can't control, you are in control of your happiness. Take time to be by yourself if this other guy is for real he will wait until you are ready.......