He still is renting space in my head
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
He still is renting space in my head
I have been making progress with my co-dependency but I still struggle some days. I no longer initiate contact. I have been going to see ABF once a week for the last month or so. Maybe this will be the week I don't go at all. He lives with his aging father and I normally go to the store for him and tidy up the house when I am there but I realize this is not my responsibility. I have been spending more time with friends and family and staying on my side of the street. I am preparing to take state boards for my RN in September. Still there are times when I miss his companionship, only because it is what I have been used to for so long. 10 plus years. I know it is time to begin a new chapter. I just wish he would stop crossing my mind. Progress not perfection. 🤷♀️
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi suncather, It's good to 'see' you! Congratulations on the RN! That's great news.
You do sound as though you have a realistic understanding of your own actions, and that's great! Hopefully this will be the week you don't visit, or at least--don't clean up for him.
The truth is that you are still leasing space to him rather than him renting space. But I know you know that and will change it when you are strong enough to do so.
I hope you treat yourself to a special celebration (socially distanced and masked, of course) once you finish your degree!
You do sound as though you have a realistic understanding of your own actions, and that's great! Hopefully this will be the week you don't visit, or at least--don't clean up for him.
The truth is that you are still leasing space to him rather than him renting space. But I know you know that and will change it when you are strong enough to do so.
I hope you treat yourself to a special celebration (socially distanced and masked, of course) once you finish your degree!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
It is hard. And it looks like you're on the right track. I agree with what you wrote here: " I normally go to the store for him and tidy up the house when I am there but I realize this is not my responsibility." It's not your responsibility and maybe your next big step toward turning that care onto your SELF will be to stop going over there ...
Best.
Best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Thank you Seren! Good to 'see you' too! Yes you are right about the leasing rather than him renting space in my head 🙃 I am getting there but have my moments of struggling lately. I feel like I take 3 steps forward then 2 steps back. I will definately be ready to celebrate after that NCLEX. Plan to take a trip with my mom in October! Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. It is a balancing act when you care deeply for someone with an addiction but have to detach and self care to keep your sanity. But I have to admit self care and detaching with love are pretty awesome once you get the hang of it, that is! Learning I don't have to rescue people to feel better about myself, finally!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Originally Posted by LumenandNyx 
It is hard. And it looks like you're on the right track. I agree with what you wrote here: " I normally go to the store for him and tidy up the house when I am there but I realize this is not my responsibility." It's not your responsibility and maybe your next big step toward turning that care onto your SELF will be to stop going over there ...
Best.
Best.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
suncatcher-----Congrats on your great accomplishment!
I think that your life is about to take a new adventure and a new path forward. New dynamics will, automatically, enter your life. Think more of the positive and the negative will begin to fade, more and more. You won't completely forget (unless you have dementia---lol)....but, you won't feel controlled by it.
I once heard a gardening expert say'------"When you have weeds---don't worry about the weeds----just plant more grass!" I thought that would be a good metaphor for life.
I think that your life is about to take a new adventure and a new path forward. New dynamics will, automatically, enter your life. Think more of the positive and the negative will begin to fade, more and more. You won't completely forget (unless you have dementia---lol)....but, you won't feel controlled by it.
I once heard a gardening expert say'------"When you have weeds---don't worry about the weeds----just plant more grass!" I thought that would be a good metaphor for life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Dandy I love that metaphor! Thank you! I have noticed the negative thoughts are being replaced with more positive thoughts and I am less controlled by the negative thoughts. The book Let Go Now by Karen Casey was very helpful! I wonder if it could be added to the reading list?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by dandylion
"When you have weeds---don't worry about the weeds----just plant more grass!" I thought that would be a good metaphor for life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Originally Posted by LumenandNyx
"He still is renting space in my head"
EVICT him!!
EVICT him!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Originally Posted by Seren
How is your studying for the exam, suncatcher?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
You've got this! But I understand the nerves. I remember studying for and taking the GRE before graduate school.
Getting ready to allow my two budgies a bit of free flying in my kitchen for the first time
Should be quite the weekend!
Getting ready to allow my two budgies a bit of free flying in my kitchen for the first time
Should be quite the weekend!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Originally Posted by Seren
You've got this! But I understand the nerves. I remember studying for and taking the GRE before graduate school.
Getting ready to allow my two budgies a bit of free flying in my kitchen for the first time
Should be quite the weekend!
Getting ready to allow my two budgies a bit of free flying in my kitchen for the first time
Should be quite the weekend!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It sounds like you're on the road to creating a fulfilling life for yourself and I applaud your efforts. We're powerless over alcoholics and must face the fact that unless they personally want sobriety it won't happen. And no, you're not responsible for food and housekeeping either. Continue on the positive course you're taking....it will lead you to a happy life.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello! congratulations on your RN, that is awesome! You are definitely not responsible for any of those things you mentioned. Put an eviction notice on that space he is taking up girl! It's hard I know, we do what we have known, and 10 years makes someone a hard habit to break. I completely get it, I was with my XAH for 20 years. Said from someone who has experienced it, YOU CAN DO IT! Keep the focus on you and your wellbeing!
Big hugs!
Big hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Hello! congratulations on your RN, that is awesome! You are definitely not responsible for any of those things you mentioned. Put an eviction notice on that space he is taking up girl! It's hard I know, we do what we have known, and 10 years makes someone a hard habit to break. I completely get it, I was with my XAH for 20 years. Said from someone who has experienced it, YOU CAN DO IT! Keep the focus on you and your wellbeing!
Big hugs!
Big hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
It sounds like you're on the road to creating a fulfilling life for yourself and I applaud your efforts. We're powerless over alcoholics and must face the fact that unless they personally want sobriety it won't happen. And no, you're not responsible for food and housekeeping either. Continue on the positive course you're taking....it will lead you to a happy life.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
