Partner and addictions.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 1
Partner and addictions.
My partner has problems with alcohol and substance abuse. I am a complete newbie to this type of behavior and admittedly am naive about most of it.
We have been married three years. We have a young child together. I work full time and my partner works three days a week. My parents keep our child on the days my partner is working.
Currently my partner drinks on average 5 beers every evening. I would say they drink 360 days of the year. They vape nonstop in house, in car, child present, it does not matter.
Shortly after we were married, they confessed to me that they are on a Suboxone prescription due to an earlier Percocet addiction. I did not even know what Suboxone was. Lately they have been having blood pressure issues and have been prescribed blood pressure medication as well as beta blockers. However, in order to get instant relief from the anxiety that comes when their blood pressure spikes, they have been taking Klonopin, Xanax, or Ativan. They are getting these from a friend. They also get Gabapentin from a friend and take it as well. My partner also has a prescription for Prozac.
Their daily use looks something like this. Suboxone 8/2, one strip split up two or three times a day. Vape from morning until bedtime. On average 5 beers starting at 4 or 5 pm and leading until around 8 or 9pm. Blood pressure meds and beta blockers daily as prescribed. As far as I can tell they then take either 2 or 3 400mg Gabapentin or a benzo daily. .5mg to 1mg Klonopin, or 1mg Ativan, or half a Xanax pill if they go with the benzo over the Gaba. And they occasionally take their Prozac.
Their behavior is very routine. Mondays they are super active at home and get a lot of chores done. Tuesday thru Thursday they are tired from their work and some nights do not leave their recliner. Friday is another recovery day. Saturday and Sunday, they sleep until 9am or so. Then naps from 11 or 12 until 1 or 2pm. They might get motivation around 4 or 5pm.
They never get sloppy drunk, but you can see the buzz in their eyes. They get a bit clumsy and sometimes slurs words and forget conversations. Sometimes they pass out at 8pm in their recliner but get a second wind at 10 or so. I used to think it was a power nap but now I am thinking this could be “nodding”. I know combining suboxone with benzos and alcohol is a super no-no.
All of this leads me to my questions. I am not so naive to not realize this behavior is unhealthy and is not sustainable. But to anyone who is an expert or has experience with this, is this concerning, or very bad, or imminent destruction bad? What level of addiction is this? Is this a fix on your own level, seek counseling level, or go to rehab level?
I have voiced my concerns probably a dozen times and they acknowledge that they are a drug addict and alcoholic. They will not go to rehab due to the stigma they fear they will face. I am at the point where I may need to leave as every moment of my life is spent worrying about this. Financially we lose money each month and our (my) savings are dwindling. However, the safety and custody of my child is a sticking point. I know staying or going is my decision, but any advice or comments about their usage would be appreciated so I have an idea of how bad of an addict they are in the grand scheme of substance abuse.
We have been married three years. We have a young child together. I work full time and my partner works three days a week. My parents keep our child on the days my partner is working.
Currently my partner drinks on average 5 beers every evening. I would say they drink 360 days of the year. They vape nonstop in house, in car, child present, it does not matter.
Shortly after we were married, they confessed to me that they are on a Suboxone prescription due to an earlier Percocet addiction. I did not even know what Suboxone was. Lately they have been having blood pressure issues and have been prescribed blood pressure medication as well as beta blockers. However, in order to get instant relief from the anxiety that comes when their blood pressure spikes, they have been taking Klonopin, Xanax, or Ativan. They are getting these from a friend. They also get Gabapentin from a friend and take it as well. My partner also has a prescription for Prozac.
Their daily use looks something like this. Suboxone 8/2, one strip split up two or three times a day. Vape from morning until bedtime. On average 5 beers starting at 4 or 5 pm and leading until around 8 or 9pm. Blood pressure meds and beta blockers daily as prescribed. As far as I can tell they then take either 2 or 3 400mg Gabapentin or a benzo daily. .5mg to 1mg Klonopin, or 1mg Ativan, or half a Xanax pill if they go with the benzo over the Gaba. And they occasionally take their Prozac.
Their behavior is very routine. Mondays they are super active at home and get a lot of chores done. Tuesday thru Thursday they are tired from their work and some nights do not leave their recliner. Friday is another recovery day. Saturday and Sunday, they sleep until 9am or so. Then naps from 11 or 12 until 1 or 2pm. They might get motivation around 4 or 5pm.
They never get sloppy drunk, but you can see the buzz in their eyes. They get a bit clumsy and sometimes slurs words and forget conversations. Sometimes they pass out at 8pm in their recliner but get a second wind at 10 or so. I used to think it was a power nap but now I am thinking this could be “nodding”. I know combining suboxone with benzos and alcohol is a super no-no.
All of this leads me to my questions. I am not so naive to not realize this behavior is unhealthy and is not sustainable. But to anyone who is an expert or has experience with this, is this concerning, or very bad, or imminent destruction bad? What level of addiction is this? Is this a fix on your own level, seek counseling level, or go to rehab level?
I have voiced my concerns probably a dozen times and they acknowledge that they are a drug addict and alcoholic. They will not go to rehab due to the stigma they fear they will face. I am at the point where I may need to leave as every moment of my life is spent worrying about this. Financially we lose money each month and our (my) savings are dwindling. However, the safety and custody of my child is a sticking point. I know staying or going is my decision, but any advice or comments about their usage would be appreciated so I have an idea of how bad of an addict they are in the grand scheme of substance abuse.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Hello. Good ideadiscussing it somewhere.
Sloppy drunk isn't the only behavior for an alcoholic. Keep in mind alcoholics and addicts tend to go out of their way to put on an act everythings ok or they're normal. Drinking and other stuff seven days a week is not good. Vaping in the time of a major respiratory virus also not good.
Recently married and partner is putting a priority on substance use/abuse? You could try a casual talk but don't expect much. Until they want to change not much will happen.
Good luck, stay safe!
Sloppy drunk isn't the only behavior for an alcoholic. Keep in mind alcoholics and addicts tend to go out of their way to put on an act everythings ok or they're normal. Drinking and other stuff seven days a week is not good. Vaping in the time of a major respiratory virus also not good.
Recently married and partner is putting a priority on substance use/abuse? You could try a casual talk but don't expect much. Until they want to change not much will happen.
Good luck, stay safe!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
retailzombie, i don't know about the 'levels' you ask about, but i do know that wanting to "fix this" is the first requirement.
it does not sound like your partner is in a place where that is what they are interested in doing, and the difficulty of changing this kind of stuff has little to do with amounts of drugs and booze used, and is ultimately about the user being willing and then taking steps to implement actions.
i hope you will look for support for yourself and prioritize you and your baby's welfare above all else.
it does not sound like your partner is in a place where that is what they are interested in doing, and the difficulty of changing this kind of stuff has little to do with amounts of drugs and booze used, and is ultimately about the user being willing and then taking steps to implement actions.
i hope you will look for support for yourself and prioritize you and your baby's welfare above all else.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Virginia
Posts: 134
Dearest RetailZombie,
You have definitely come to the right place to find support and understanding for YOU! There is so much to learn about addiction and your response to it. For me, I am still learning years after my first post here. Please take some time to read and avail yourself of all of the information that SoberRecovery has to offer.
My partner is an alcoholic and I have family members who are substance abusers so, I can relate to your questions. Unfortunately, trying to figure out the severity of an addition is like trying to determine how pregnant you are by how often you experience morning sickness by how many crackers you eat... it isn't possible. You have already pointed out red flags in your partners' behavior such as: routine and habitual use of alcohol, taking prescription narcotics that are not prescribed to your partner and making excuses WHY those pills are needed. If one is prescribed blood pressure medications to control high blood pressure, there should not be any SPIKES that require Xanax... you see?
I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation and I can hear your pain and panic through your words. Many people on these forums have sound advice to offer and they will come along soon enough. Take it from someone who has been in a relationship with an alcoholic for 17 years, only you can decide how much you are willing to deal with and for how long.
Best to you and only the best for your young one!
You have definitely come to the right place to find support and understanding for YOU! There is so much to learn about addiction and your response to it. For me, I am still learning years after my first post here. Please take some time to read and avail yourself of all of the information that SoberRecovery has to offer.
My partner is an alcoholic and I have family members who are substance abusers so, I can relate to your questions. Unfortunately, trying to figure out the severity of an addition is like trying to determine how pregnant you are by how often you experience morning sickness by how many crackers you eat... it isn't possible. You have already pointed out red flags in your partners' behavior such as: routine and habitual use of alcohol, taking prescription narcotics that are not prescribed to your partner and making excuses WHY those pills are needed. If one is prescribed blood pressure medications to control high blood pressure, there should not be any SPIKES that require Xanax... you see?
I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation and I can hear your pain and panic through your words. Many people on these forums have sound advice to offer and they will come along soon enough. Take it from someone who has been in a relationship with an alcoholic for 17 years, only you can decide how much you are willing to deal with and for how long.
Best to you and only the best for your young one!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I’m surprised that with the suboxone they aren’t doing tox screens on a regular basis. You typically have to be clean in order to get that. They also typically need to do regular counseling provided by the suboxone clinic.
benzos, suboxone, alcohol and gabapentin....bad combo. Gabapentin can be used for alcohol abuse but it also causes a high when taken with suboxone and it can cause withdrawals symptoms when you don’t take it. All those no matter the combo are bad together. And it is also not unlikely that they are drinking more than what you actually see.
They have a problem. They are an addict as they had an opioid addiction already for which they are being treated. Once an addict always an addict as there is always a chance for relapse no matter how long they have been clean. They clearly lied to you from the get go by withholding the fact they are on suboxone for opioid addiction. That in itself is bad enough, they didn’t tell you until AFTER you were married. Good way to start of a marriage as far as trust is concerned. Even if they were clean other than suboxone. They are maybe not completely wasted but they don’t have to be. And I would not let them be in charge of a small child. Not without other adult supervision. It is one of the reasons I stayed longer with my ex than I should’ve. I didn’t trust him with our child alone so I figured it would be safer for her if we stayed as I did all the child care.
they have a problem and it doesn’t sound like they are willing to admit or accept that truly. You have no control over what they do anyway. They also don’t sound functional even if they aren’t wasted. They are sleeping a lot and not motivated to do much. What are you getting out of the relationship? What about your child? Having a parent who is always under the influence is not healthy, even if they are still somewhat “functional” (as in not wasted).
all you have control over is you. It sound s like you have a good job and that financially you are better off without them anyway since your savings are dwindling at this time. It won’t get better, it will only get worse unless they seek help and even then there are no guarantees.
I would look and see what is in your best interest before things get worse and before emotionally and financially you really take a hit that will be hard to recover from.
my ex never wanted to seek help because of the stigma and the fact he couldn’t go to local AA meetings because he knows too many people in town and it would look bad because of his profession. Now I know that what that really meant was that he just wasn’t ready to truly get clean and just had excuses why he couldn’t get clean. If they really are ready to get clean they will do whatever it takes and not wait another minute to get help.
once my ex went to rehab and the world knew about his dirty little secret and he was actually ready to get and stay clean he no longer had any problem going to many different local AA meetings. After all, people that go there don’t disclose who they see and from what I have heard won’t even acknowledge one another if they run into each other outside of AA meetings (unless of course they have become actual friends). Before when he quit he would always say that he was trying to lose weight or he did it because of his high blood pressure (which miraculously resolved once he quit drinking) .
if you haven’t already done so, educate yourself about addiction and alcoholism and I would also recommend getting counseling for yourself and think about alanon. People really cannot understand what you are going through unless they have been through it themselves either as an addict or a loved one of an addict. I also would not hesitate to talk to a few people you can trust about this. I never discussed it with anyone and helped cover the fact he was an alcoholic. It is very lonely and not mentally healthy. I protected him but I hurt myself in the process. Once people knew a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and people also understood some of my and his behaviors finally.
Take care of you can your kid. They are an adult and will do what they will do. You can beg and plead until you are blue in the face but if love could cure addiction none of us would be here. Until they are ready to quit for themselves nothing anyone can say or do will change anything. They have to quit for themselves or it won’t stick. It is hard enough to stay clean when they quit for themselves but if they do it to appease loved ones for a while they will not be successful.
benzos, suboxone, alcohol and gabapentin....bad combo. Gabapentin can be used for alcohol abuse but it also causes a high when taken with suboxone and it can cause withdrawals symptoms when you don’t take it. All those no matter the combo are bad together. And it is also not unlikely that they are drinking more than what you actually see.
They have a problem. They are an addict as they had an opioid addiction already for which they are being treated. Once an addict always an addict as there is always a chance for relapse no matter how long they have been clean. They clearly lied to you from the get go by withholding the fact they are on suboxone for opioid addiction. That in itself is bad enough, they didn’t tell you until AFTER you were married. Good way to start of a marriage as far as trust is concerned. Even if they were clean other than suboxone. They are maybe not completely wasted but they don’t have to be. And I would not let them be in charge of a small child. Not without other adult supervision. It is one of the reasons I stayed longer with my ex than I should’ve. I didn’t trust him with our child alone so I figured it would be safer for her if we stayed as I did all the child care.
they have a problem and it doesn’t sound like they are willing to admit or accept that truly. You have no control over what they do anyway. They also don’t sound functional even if they aren’t wasted. They are sleeping a lot and not motivated to do much. What are you getting out of the relationship? What about your child? Having a parent who is always under the influence is not healthy, even if they are still somewhat “functional” (as in not wasted).
all you have control over is you. It sound s like you have a good job and that financially you are better off without them anyway since your savings are dwindling at this time. It won’t get better, it will only get worse unless they seek help and even then there are no guarantees.
I would look and see what is in your best interest before things get worse and before emotionally and financially you really take a hit that will be hard to recover from.
my ex never wanted to seek help because of the stigma and the fact he couldn’t go to local AA meetings because he knows too many people in town and it would look bad because of his profession. Now I know that what that really meant was that he just wasn’t ready to truly get clean and just had excuses why he couldn’t get clean. If they really are ready to get clean they will do whatever it takes and not wait another minute to get help.
once my ex went to rehab and the world knew about his dirty little secret and he was actually ready to get and stay clean he no longer had any problem going to many different local AA meetings. After all, people that go there don’t disclose who they see and from what I have heard won’t even acknowledge one another if they run into each other outside of AA meetings (unless of course they have become actual friends). Before when he quit he would always say that he was trying to lose weight or he did it because of his high blood pressure (which miraculously resolved once he quit drinking) .
if you haven’t already done so, educate yourself about addiction and alcoholism and I would also recommend getting counseling for yourself and think about alanon. People really cannot understand what you are going through unless they have been through it themselves either as an addict or a loved one of an addict. I also would not hesitate to talk to a few people you can trust about this. I never discussed it with anyone and helped cover the fact he was an alcoholic. It is very lonely and not mentally healthy. I protected him but I hurt myself in the process. Once people knew a huge weight lifted off my shoulders and people also understood some of my and his behaviors finally.
Take care of you can your kid. They are an adult and will do what they will do. You can beg and plead until you are blue in the face but if love could cure addiction none of us would be here. Until they are ready to quit for themselves nothing anyone can say or do will change anything. They have to quit for themselves or it won’t stick. It is hard enough to stay clean when they quit for themselves but if they do it to appease loved ones for a while they will not be successful.
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