healthyagain

It was August when I filed for divorce, 5 years ago. In April, when I called the DV line, I was whispering to the lady on the other side, almost paralyzed with fear after experiencing my ex's blackout for the first time and a night of ranting from hell. Following that weekend (hell always broke loose on weekends), I found some courage to go straight to the apartment complex office and ask if they had any studios available. The same afternoon, I went to have an interview at a local DV organization. You see, my ex was not physically abusive, so it was extremely hard to convince people what was happening behind the closed doors. Was I supposed to wait to get hit? He was "highly functional" and dear to them. They all "knew" him, but they did not know me. And I am always a bit stunned by the vividness of my memories. When I get really into it, it is really like playing a video. I can see colors, clear images, remember the pain in the small of my back. I remember exact dates and time. I remember the exact clothes I was wearing, and shoes. And how cloudy it was and how sunny it was. And when I finally moved out that May, with stuff that could fill up a sedan, I had no even the slightest idea how right that decision was. At that time, I still had hope for us. However, I also had a plan in place. Setting the exact date when I would do something, or giving a deadline to myself, was the only way to make myself act. And he was spiraling out of control.

Then, a year or two after are rather blurry. Because a fast divorce was a must, I took over our car loan and did not want any alimony. I just wanted to get out fearing for my life. It was a no contest divorce. He thought it was a "friendly" divorce because we were "friends." My brain knew I had to do it. But my heart was still not ready to let go. This is when a true autopilot period started. I was just working, paying off debts, and dodging my ex. Now the true turning point happened in March 2017, after carrying a car battery from a local Walmart, when I felt a strange sensation on my back. It was like when a t-shirt tag itches you, but much lower. I remember wondering how come a mosquito got me that early, and upon checking in the mirror, I found a strange rashy line. Herpes zoster was confirmed, and I was lucky I got antivirals within 48 hours, because after itching, the pinched nerve pain started, extremely uncomfortable. Luckily, the thing did not spread. This is also the first time when I made myself seek medical care. How codependent of me indeed.

Fast forward to 2019. This is when I felt a true change coming. Something was in the air. I had to think where to go next. That little town became too tight and suffocating for me. And there was a city, some 80 miles away, I've been eyeing and dreaming of for years. The old town was getting so bad economically that they even removed the Greyhound bus stop. So, I sheepishly started exploring moving companies. I was beyond happy when I discovered that they would actually get me out of there. However, the first company quoted well over $1000, and I was gutted. Then soon after, I saw a moving truck, moving someone in, the building next to mine. I memorized the name, did some research, contacted them, and they gave me a quote a bit over $400 with two men and two hours already included. Within 2 weeks, I found a perfect apartment and finally moved in August. And it was such an amazing smooth move and one of the most empowering experiences in my life.

Then COVID-19 happened, but compared to my ex and all that hell, it was not such a big obstacle, and I was again very lucky already working from home, although I feel like the virus stole a whole year from me.

I just wanted to share this experience with you because this is where I started my journey. And it is August, a special month for me. So, there is life after alcoholism. There is hope, and you are more powerful than you think. But before you do act, you must find out who you are and how you want to live your life. Once these become clear, everything will point to your next step, and one thing will lead to another. It really is a promise.

Bekindalways

Healthyagain, that is quite the story.

Congrats for reaching the milestone of this month. May you rise to the challenge of whatever this year brings and grow even more in joy and peace.

Wombaticus

So good to hear. I've been gone for 2 months and already feel better. I've got a complex time ahead with divorce, custody and financial settlement, but I know the present and the future will be better without him.
thank you for sharing your story. X