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I think my wife is alcohol dependent, don't know what else to do.



I think my wife is alcohol dependent, don't know what else to do.

Old 08-15-2020, 12:18 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
Have you had a chance to read "Codependent No More" as I asked earlier Bid? That book will really offer you some insight into your own feelings and actions / reactions beyond the focus on her.

It sucks dealing with a sneaky drunk. I also sometimes hesitate to leave my home for even a few hours, and really stress about overnight, when I know the binge is going to start as soon as I am out of the driveway. Very upsetting.
yeah, bought the ebook this morning, reading it now, as she's already passed out. About 1/4 of the way through. Finding it more interesting than helpful so far but will persevere.
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Old 08-15-2020, 12:27 PM
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Honestly, I think I'd find that very hard. My diary has certainly evolved over the years
I wanted to start to write down as well how her drinking on any night made me feel, and that certainly made me feel better as it started to better record the effect it was having on me.
Yes it's hard, but as others have mentioned, it's in your best interests to stop doing it. Kind of like stopping drinking is in her best interests - but again, that's up to her (and also really hard!). Writing about your own feelings, well that's different and probably helpful to you.

My take on the alcohol tracker is that you can write it down and then it goes away, it's tucked away in your journal until the next entry. Kind of like when you have a list of important things to do and you write it down on your to-do list and then can come back to it later. It is a control mechanism as well, of course.

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

None of this is easy and I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Perhaps it's time to break free from it or at least loosen your grip on the rope. Your documenting, kind words, suggestions are doing nothing to solve this, for you or your children (or in fact your wife). She will quit drinking when she is ready and not a moment before. The only thing you can do for yourself is distance yourself, so you can save your sanity.

Right now alcohol is running your household and your life, I know you don't want it running your life so maybe time to hop off that crazy train?

It can be hard to detach, especially when you are thrown a few kind "normal" crumbs periodically. You might find this sticky thread (found at the top of this forum), helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (Letting go of those not in recovery)







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Old 08-15-2020, 01:05 PM
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I think for me I had to accept the level of enmeshment / enabling I was doing (and sometimes still do if I am honest) which allowed the dynamic to continue and get worse. That book helped me see how vested I was in not losing the "control" I thought I had in the family dynamic--that I was just doing my part of the dance, and not fixing anything except managing things so my spouse could keep drinking

I was also one of those damaged kids dandylion mentioned in earlier posts--I grew up with an alcoholic mother and it caused quite a bit of harm to me as child and even now as a 55 year old adult. I grew up thinking this kind of dysfunction was a "normal" behavior of adult couples and that it was my "job" to take care of my parent and later on my own alcoholic relationships. That's where I learned my own enabling behavior and why it is so potentially harmful for kids to grow up in. We (re)create what we learn / know. Sad but true in my case and many many others as well. Too often, children of alcoholics become alcoholics themselves (again, that was me) because that's what we learn adults do to manage pain / have fun / deal with uncomfortable feelings / etc.

Alcoholism is progressive. It just gets worse, not better. Your own records are no doubt showing you this. She will drink more, more often, hide it more, and her "functionality" will erode first at home (as is already happening but can be hidden with family support) but soon enough in the workplace. It's a rotten pattern, and everybody in the family loses, but she will do it as long as she can get by with you keeping status quo. How much do you do around the house now compared to her these days compared to a few years ago? You are the responsible parent, and that means the burden will keep falling heavier and heavier on you.

Not fair, not right, but how addiction works. She can choose to quit, but will she if you keep letting her drink without real consequences?
You cannot control her drinking, but you can control what you will live with, and what you will allow your kids to live with.

I know when I still drank, it took a real threat of losing my family to get me to straighten up and quit. Didn't work with my mother, however, who drank until she literally couldn't life a drink to her lips any longer.
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Old 08-15-2020, 01:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
I think for me I had to accept the level of enmeshment / enabling I was doing (and sometimes still do if I am honest) which allowed the dynamic to continue and get worse. That book helped me see how vested I was in not losing the "control" I thought I had in the family dynamic--that I was just doing my part of the dance, and not fixing anything except managing things so my spouse could keep drinking

I was also one of those damaged kids dandylion mentioned in earlier posts--I grew up with an alcoholic mother and it caused quite a bit of harm to me as child and even now as a 55 year old adult. I grew up thinking this kind of dysfunction was a "normal" behavior of adult couples and that it was my "job" to take care of my parent and later on my own alcoholic relationships. That's where I learned my own enabling behavior and why it is so potentially harmful for kids to grow up in. We (re)create what we learn / know. Sad but true in my case and many many others as well. Too often, children of alcoholics become alcoholics themselves (again, that was me) because that's what we learn adults do to manage pain / have fun / deal with uncomfortable feelings / etc.

Alcoholism is progressive. It just gets worse, not better. Your own records are no doubt showing you this. She will drink more, more often, hide it more, and her "functionality" will erode first at home (as is already happening but can be hidden with family support) but soon enough in the workplace. It's a rotten pattern, and everybody in the family loses, but she will do it as long as she can get by with you keeping status quo. How much do you do around the house now compared to her these days compared to a few years ago? You are the responsible parent, and that means the burden will keep falling heavier and heavier on you.

Not fair, not right, but how addiction works. She can choose to quit, but will she if you keep letting her drink without real consequences?
You cannot control her drinking, but you can control what you will live with, and what you will allow your kids to live with.

I know when I still drank, it took a real threat of losing my family to get me to straighten up and quit. Didn't work with my mother, however, who drank until she literally couldn't life a drink to her lips any longer.
funnily enough I spent two hours cleaning the house this afternoon while she watched TV, and an hour cooking tea for us all while she drank!

...and yes, my records very much do show it's getting worse.

when you drank like that (well done for beating it by the way) did you know how wrong it was and how badly it affected others, you just weren't able to do anything about it?
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Old 08-15-2020, 01:49 PM
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I drank with my husband in the early days together, and it was a way we bonded and had fun. But gradually, I became less fun and more angry. I was caregiving my alcoholic mother, and felt justified in my own drinking because of that--and other things like working all the time too, etc. so had a big martyr complex so I ignored at first the worsening behavior I had.

Gradually though, I came to acknowledge the harm I was doing because I had lived through it myself as a child, and I saw myself becoming like my angry drunk mother when I drank. So I felt terrible when I acted out or blacked out, but still wasn't ready to quit for years for good and by then my spouse had developed his own alcohol problem that was growing but less severe than mine.

My spouse said to me one morning he couldn't keep going like we were, and I was beginning to see some erosion in my work performance as well, and I knew the game was up and I had to quit alcohol or lose everything. I wanted my family and I loved being good at my job, so I quit cold turkey about 8 years ago.

I wish I could say it stuck for good, but I had some brief relapses a few times when I stupidly thought I had it licked and could moderate "just a few". Don't buy that line if she tries it. People who drink like we do don't sip, they drink to get loaded, and can never moderate again. I finally learned that lesson and my marriage in some ways is stronger than ever, but now I find myself very upset when my spouse drinks.
His drinking makes him depressed and dark, and I feel bad that his problem developed in part under my bad influence and the stress I put on both of us caring for my alcoholic mother and not dealing with my own alcohol abuse much sooner.

I believe we will work it through, but talk about Karma--I have been getting a big dose of my own medicine for a number of years now, so the final answer to your question is yes, now I have not only sympathy, but true empathy for how living with an alcoholic partner really feels.

I don't know if I would have quit, or quit in time, however, if he hadn't told me he was done and walking out if I didn't stop, and I knew he wasn't bluffing. That was the decider for me, though in my heart I knew I was destroying myself so I think it worked because I also wanted it for me.

In truth, it doesn't always work out unless the drinker wants to quit for themselves as well, and it will not be successful unless they truly do. Sometimes losing their family at least for a time brings that realization. Sometimes they just keep drinking anyway.

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Old 08-15-2020, 02:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
I drank with my husband in the early days together, and it was a way we bonded and had fun. But gradually, I became less fun and more angry. I was caregiving my alcoholic mother, and felt justified in my own drinking because of that--and other things like working all the time too, etc. so had a big martyr complex so I ignored at first the worsening behavior I had.

Gradually though, I came to acknowledge the harm I was doing because I had lived through it myself as a child, and I saw myself becoming like my angry drunk mother when I drank. So I felt terrible when I acted out or blacked out, but still wasn't ready to quit for years for good and by then my spouse had developed his own alcohol problem that was growing but less severe than mine.

My spouse said to me one morning he couldn't keep going like we were, and I was beginning to see some erosion in my work performance as well, and I knew the game was up and I had to quit alcohol or lose everything. I wanted my family and I loved being good at my job, so I quit cold turkey about 8 years ago.

I wish I could say it stuck for good, but I had some brief relapses a few times when I stupidly thought I had it licked and could moderate "just a few". Don't buy that line if she tries it. People who drink like we do don't sip, they drink to get loaded, and can never moderate again. I finally learned that lesson and my marriage in some ways is stronger than ever, but now I find myself very upset when my spouse drinks.
His drinking makes him depressed and dark, and I feel bad that his problem developed in part under my bad influence and the stress I put on both of us caring for my alcoholic mother and not dealing with my own alcohol abuse much sooner.

I believe we will work it through, but talk about Karma--I have been getting a big dose of my own medicine for a number of years now, so the final answer to your question is yes, now I have not only sympathy, but true empathy for how living with an alcoholic partner really feels.

I don't know if I would have quit, or quit in time, however, if he hadn't told me he was done and walking out if I didn't stop, and I knew he wasn't bluffing. That was the decider for me, though in my heart I knew I was destroying myself so I think it worked because I also wanted it for me.

In truth, it doesn't always work out unless the drinker wants to quit for themselves as well, and it will not be successful unless they truly do. Sometimes losing their family at least for a time brings that realization. Sometimes they just keep drinking anyway.
yeah, that mirrors so much of us, in fact my mother in law was a raging alcoholic before she died at 62 from cancer in 2010. For years in our late 20's and early 30's we'd think nothing of smashing three bottles between us a few times a week. Mostly she was fun and we enjoyed it in a pretty carefree fashion. The time when that all changed is lost in the mists of time, probably because it was a gradual deterioration, but part of my reason for giving up entirely in Jan 2018 was a reaction to her. I'd open a beer to sip, or a half glass of wine to relax of an evening and she'd be at the bottom of the bottle and onto the next before I'd even blinked. It seemed like me still drinking was encouraging her more so I stopped. Best decision I ever made.

I'm pretty sure I'm now at the stage where I cant talk to her further. The more I plead and threaten, as I have, and the more she ignores those pleas and the more I do not follow through with my threats, the more emboldened she becomes. I just can't face the turmoil, however much I know the other side will be better but if she's likely to get worse, or she's likely to put the family at danger (driving while drunk, or risking losing her job, for example), then suspect my decision will be made easier.
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Old 08-15-2020, 04:50 PM
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Bidg-----regarding that short list of concrete suggestions that I gave you----even as you state that you can't face the "turmoil" that being on the "other side" might entail-----
Would it not be a good idea to start the classic baby step approach----that would prepare and bolster yourself. Notice that the first step is to get more help and support for yourself--especially, the face to face kind.
Getting your own team of people who understand and have your back is essential. Over the years, I have noticed that those who are willing to get real help and are willing/open to make changes--even the baby steps---are the ones who get where they want or need to go. This applies to alcoholics and co-dependent partners, alike.

Would you take off to climb Mount Everest or sail around the world without preparation? Wouldn't you do everything in your power to learn all you could and fortify yourself in every possible way?

The way it looks, now, is that you are handing over all power and responsibility for yourself and family over to the practicing alcoholic. Waiting for her to change for the better---or waiting for her to get worse. Either way, it is giving the decision making over to her. Given that alcohol controls her, at this point---Alcoholism reins King in your family. lol---the hierarchy of the power.

In regard to your question about if she knows she is an alcoholic and knows how much it is affecting the family---and, whether she knows and just can't help herself.
Here is my response to that question----
I think that she is aware of a powerful force within herself to compulsively reach for drink after drink. And, that compulsion is so strong that it dominates all else. A force that causes her to struggle each day---all day---to just get through to the next drink while keeping her nose just above water. I suspect that she doesn't stop to even label this force as "alcoholism". I suspect that she doesn't really stop to think much about how it is affecting her loved ones----it would be too painful---and it would interfere with her DENIAL----one of the main defenses that allows the alcoholic to keep drinking.
With how much she is drinking, daily---she is bound to be almost never really sober and clear minded. Even when the alcohol blood level is zero---or nearly so---the withdrawl symptoms are kicking in---begging for anther drink.
There is a real biologic basis for this---in additional to the psychological ones.
If you haven;t already studied the neuroreceptors in the brain---in particular, the ones operating in the amygdala---I suggest that you do so, You will learn about the chemical basis of our motivation, pleasure seeking, feelings of well being, etc. These are all very critical to how we feel and how we behave. I have a couple of books that have the latest scientific research. if you are interested.
It explains a lot.
Also, remember that much of the time----the logic that you crave for her is not possible. Because, to a great extent, her frontal lobe of the brain is chemically (neuroreceptors) excised. That is the area of the brain where logic, and judgement, planning, etc. is located. The executive functions of our brain. It is hard to be fully aware and thinking when a part of the brain is not even engaged.

Remember, also, that you are remembering everything she does (as well as recording it)----but, when she is drinking that much, she doesn't remember much of what happens. She is blackout drunk.
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Old 08-15-2020, 10:36 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Bidg-----regarding that short list of concrete suggestions that I gave you----even as you state that you can't face the "turmoil" that being on the "other side" might entail-----
Would it not be a good idea to start the classic baby step approach----that would prepare and bolster yourself. Notice that the first step is to get more help and support for yourself--especially, the face to face kind.
Getting your own team of people who understand and have your back is essential. Over the years, I have noticed that those who are willing to get real help and are willing/open to make changes--even the baby steps---are the ones who get where they want or need to go. This applies to alcoholics and co-dependent partners, alike.

Would you take off to climb Mount Everest or sail around the world without preparation? Wouldn't you do everything in your power to learn all you could and fortify yourself in every possible way?

The way it looks, now, is that you are handing over all power and responsibility for yourself and family over to the practicing alcoholic. Waiting for her to change for the better---or waiting for her to get worse. Either way, it is giving the decision making over to her. Given that alcohol controls her, at this point---Alcoholism reins King in your family. lol---the hierarchy of the power.

In regard to your question about if she knows she is an alcoholic and knows how much it is affecting the family---and, whether she knows and just can't help herself.
Here is my response to that question----
I think that she is aware of a powerful force within herself to compulsively reach for drink after drink. And, that compulsion is so strong that it dominates all else. A force that causes her to struggle each day---all day---to just get through to the next drink while keeping her nose just above water. I suspect that she doesn't stop to even label this force as "alcoholism". I suspect that she doesn't really stop to think much about how it is affecting her loved ones----it would be too painful---and it would interfere with her DENIAL----one of the main defenses that allows the alcoholic to keep drinking.
With how much she is drinking, daily---she is bound to be almost never really sober and clear minded. Even when the alcohol blood level is zero---or nearly so---the withdrawl symptoms are kicking in---begging for anther drink.
There is a real biologic basis for this---in additional to the psychological ones.
If you haven;t already studied the neuroreceptors in the brain---in particular, the ones operating in the amygdala---I suggest that you do so, You will learn about the chemical basis of our motivation, pleasure seeking, feelings of well being, etc. These are all very critical to how we feel and how we behave. I have a couple of books that have the latest scientific research. if you are interested.
It explains a lot.
Also, remember that much of the time----the logic that you crave for her is not possible. Because, to a great extent, her frontal lobe of the brain is chemically (neuroreceptors) excised. That is the area of the brain where logic, and judgement, planning, etc. is located. The executive functions of our brain. It is hard to be fully aware and thinking when a part of the brain is not even engaged.

Remember, also, that you are remembering everything she does (as well as recording it)----but, when she is drinking that much, she doesn't remember much of what happens. She is blackout drunk.
I'd love to be on the other side, the turmoil I fear is the journey not the destination.

I'm sure this sounds like a really naive question in light of not only my own judgement but also in the face of all the amazing advice on this thread, but I assume everyone's in agreement that she is alcohol dependent? Having comfort that, when assessed reasonably, fairly and objectively that she has a problem really is my first step. An acceptance that, despite my efforts, I can't influence or even control her behavior is probably the second, followed by an acceptance that she also is very unlikely just to realise and stop unilaterally. Accepting these as facts will give me a good foundation for what happens afterwards, whatever that might be.
​​​

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Old 08-15-2020, 11:49 PM
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Bidg-----well, it does seem that you have a problem with the drinking behaviors. You did say that you "would not want, in a million years, to live like this for the rest of your life".
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Old 08-16-2020, 05:25 AM
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I would venture that acceptance that you cannot influence or control her behaviors whether or not she is alcohol-dependent is actually your first step.
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Old 08-16-2020, 12:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Bidgdrunner View Post
control her behavior is probably the second​​​​​​
Yes, I would say this is the first and a pretty good view in life. Not just for your alcoholic wife, but for all people you know. You can control one person, yourself, that's it.


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Old 08-16-2020, 09:19 PM
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Bidg, I would say she certainly appears to be dependent on alcohol. I think it was Trailmix who pointed out the boiled frog analogy, things progress slowly over time and you lose perspective on what is normal.
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Old 08-17-2020, 12:37 AM
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I am in the uk and I have been through hell with mine.
the only way I have been able to get my life together is to get him out the house permanently...for my health, kids health and most importantly to appease social services who do not like drunks in houses with kids and understandably so. My boys are not his so that’s easier but it was still hard to lose what little help and company he was around the house when he was sober.

but he was never sober anyway.

you and your children need help and most importantly you need to protect them. My youngest, 13 suffered with terrible anxiety and has flourished since he’s gone.

You can’t stop her drinking. Trust me. If you try she will just lie and hide it. She might even admit she has a problem...but words are meaningless. Unless she takes serious action and sustained serious action then you really have to consider yours and your children’s lives and exposure to her addiction seriously.
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Old 08-31-2020, 12:26 AM
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I guess I'm naive for feeling optimistic that these words will finally work? Perhaps my optimism is because I know then that I'll have given everything, with absolutely nothing left.

I wrote this last night after one beer and two and a half bottles of wine. Stopped myself from sending it until I was happy with the words, which I've now finished. Shoud I bother? She'll pass out 3-4 times a week so I'll get a chance soon enough but at what point do I give up?
Please look at this, as many times as you can. This is you right now tonight, but could have been any one of many nights in the past five years. I haven't even been able to wake you so have come to bed alone having written this with you passed out next to me yet again.

This is the person I can't live with. This is the person I won't live with. I love the person I spend the day with and absolutely hate who comes out at night. You drink too often, and when you drink you drink too much. And when you are drunk you are argumentative and belligerent, you slur when you talk, and you stagger around asking me the same questions and shouting at the kids, and then more often than not you pass out on the sofa like you have again tonight.

Just so there is no misunderstanding I will not spend my life with this person. Someone who makes me so unhappy, night after night. Someone with whom I have begged, pleaded, and threatened again and again, over many years, but who hasn't controlled her drinking. Someone who has promised me more times than I can even remember that she'll control things, only to end up back where she was.

This is not an accusation, it is a statement of fact. You have a problem with alcohol. And of all the people in the world, I'm the one affected by it. It's not a little bit too much, every week or so, it's not a small glass to take the edge off a tough day. It's glass after glass, bottle after bottle, night after night. Empty bottles dumped on the fridge, thrown out the window, hidden on the windowsill. You're a staggering, slurring, argumentative wreck, a shell of a person, night after night, week after week, passing out leaving me alone, emotionally at least, often with me going to bed alone like tonight because if I try to wake you up you mumble something incoherent and pass out again. I hate to admit this, but sometimes I just can't be bothered so just leave you. How does it feel waking up on the sofa knowing you've passed out and I've gone to bed? Surely awful, but you keep doing it. Why are you doing this to me?

I know that you don't chose to drink so much, and am trying hard not to take it personally despite all the times I have pleaded, begging and even threatened you, desperately hoping you'll cut down, and despite the fact that I am the one most horribly affected by your behaviour. I know that because you are chemically dependent your body has a compulsion to drink, which I recognise must be immensely challenging for you. Having noticed you drink until you pass out, and then get up the next morning and tip wine away, only to go back out and buy and then drink more, means I know you must agree with this position, perhaps hating who you become, probably wanting to do something about it, but struggling to fight the urges.

I thought there had been a breakthrough in May when you finally accepted you had a problem and when you admitted you hated who you became and as you promised to do something about it. But it's now just as bad again, although in light of that recognition and in light of those promises, things for me now feel even worse as I also feel so let down and terrified by the prospect of having to continue to live with the person you become 3, 4, 5, 6, or sometimes even 7 times a week. Well actually, I'm not really terrified of that anymore because I know I can't put up with this. So, right now, I'm more terrified about the pain and anguish for all four of us if you don't beat this and I buy myself a house.

I really will do everything in my power to help you, but I can't stop you drinking too much, only you can control that. You have to accept the problem AND want to do something about AND actually do something about it. Unless you can do all three of these things, with my help, or with the help of friends, or with the help from a professional and / or from a support group then I will not tolerate this. It's a blunt as that. The love and compassion I feel for you during the day is simply not strong enough to enable me to deal with the stress, anger and frustration of living with who you become night after night.

The fact that I still hate the effect your drinking has on me is why I can't come back onto the mortgage, and won't until I know you've beaten this for good. I need that money, bluntly, in case you don't beat this and I need to buy my own house.

Please let me know what I can do to help you, please talk to me, and please seek help if you don't feel able to tackle this on your own, but if you don't beat it, with or without my help, and without or without any other help, there won't be any more messages like this. Love you x
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Old 08-31-2020, 04:26 AM
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Well...you have sent some version of this message before, haven’t you?

We often advise the loved ones of addicts to pay attention to their actions, not their words. Actions tell the truth. Words lie, deflect, stall, and obfuscate.

The same is true for loved ones. Your wife has no reason to believe your words if they have never been backed up by action. You are trying to show her things about herself that she already knows are true but have not been enough to make her take responsibility for herself.

There comes a time when we have to stop asking others to change to make our lives better and make the changes ourselves to have the lives we want, as well as the lives our children deserve.
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Old 08-31-2020, 04:48 AM
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You are speaking to her like a normal rational person and expecting a normal rational reaction.
She will do one of 2 things:

flip out and accuse you of controlling her

or

throw you some crumbs of hope that she’ll get help, try, she’ll definitely phone them tomorrow, see the Dr once this Covid is over, she can do it anyway alone it’s just you keep putting her under pressure that’s causing all the drink

until she picks up the phone, makes an appointment, attends and get a detox programme, then goes actively to rehab then her words are nothing.

sad but true. I’m sorry.
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Old 08-31-2020, 04:50 AM
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Hi bidgdrunner,

It's an honest and heartbreaking letter. Like so, so many that I have seen written and shared here by people who are married to alcoholics. I think if it will make you feel as though you have done everything you could to help your wife and get her to understand how her actions are affecting you and the children, then go ahead and give it to her.

I have to be honest with you. I've never known a single one of those letters to have an affect on the alcoholic partner in the entire time I've been here. Although I hope, in this case, your wife is the exception. I also hope you will do what you can to protect your children and give them peaceful lives free from the drama and chaos of active alcoholism. It's a life that you deserve as well. But if and when that happens is in your control.
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Old 08-31-2020, 06:09 AM
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Bidg-----I recognize the pain that is in that letter, as well as the herculean effort to appeal to her logic and caring.

I am wondering if you might be moving a bit closer to taking overt action.
I would like to make a practical suggestion. I do recognize that the systems in your country are different than they are, here. (I am in the States). Different in both the kinds of support to the alcoholic and the loved one, as well.
I have worked at detoxing many, many alcoholics, in a job that I had in a medical facility. From what you have shared, I cannot see your wife putting down the bottle, at this point, without the onset of extremely uncomfortable withdrawal symptoms. Symptoms that are both uncomfortable and dangerous, if not treated. The object of supervised detoxification is safety and comfort. So many times, a person who has gotten to the point of the physical dependency that your wife has, may try to get sober---only to cave due to the extreme mental and physical discomfort of going "cold turkey".

Personally, after what I know after working with alcoholics, for several years-----I would never ask a person to quit drinking by going cold turkey. I, also, think that letting a person know that detoxification can be done comfortably, and, with compassion. This can, at least, remove the great dread and fear of the discomfort of withdrawl symptoms.

In addition, I think that it is imperative to have some supportive treatment available for the detoxified person----Immediately. At least giving them information that it is available to them.

I am pretty sure that you know this----that detox and rehab and ongoing programs of sobriety are different things. I am saying it for the benefit of many people who read these forums,
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Old 08-31-2020, 10:55 AM
  # 59 (permalink)  
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As I was reading your letter what I was actually thinking is this is a letter for him to keep for himself when he leaves.

I don't know your wife but I am familiar with alcoholism and what that does to a family. Your wife (I assume) is not blind nor stupid. Everything you have said she has probably already thought, in fact:

Her drinking slowly increased, until a point in May this year when we had another serious chat. For the first time ever she admitted she had a problem and that she hated who she became when she drinks. She promised never to drink again. That lasted seven days.
So yes, she does know, she does think about it and she is not willing, at this time, to do anything about it. This is out of your control. The only person you can control is yourself. If you do not like her drinking and you do not want to live with an alcoholic, you will have to leave, that is really the bottom line.

I truly don't say any of this to be harsh but there is a reality here that you might be overlooking?




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Old 08-31-2020, 11:58 AM
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LOL------Bidg can always keep an extra copy for himself..........
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