How do I have this conversation?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 2
How do I have this conversation?
Hey there,
This is my first post here. I’ve been dating a great guy for 9 months now. The only catch is that I think he has a drinking problem. He drinks a 1.5 liter bottle of wine every day. I’m an occasional drinker & can’t ever drink more than a glass & a half of wine in one sitting or I wake up the next day with a horrible headache, so his drinking strikes me as VERY dysfunctional. The thing that’s so weird about all this is that he’s a wonderful boyfriend. Attentive, affectionate, my friends & family love him, has a great job, never misses work, never abusive in any way, etc.
I’ve talked to him before about my concerns about his drinking...that it seems like he’s dependent because he does it every day & that I worry about the long term impact it will have on his health. He didn’t get upset at all & said that he’d quit if I wanted him to because he didn’t want it to affect our relationship. The funny thing is that at the time, I couldn’t really think of how his drinking really impacts our relationship, aside from me having to drive more that he does when we go places together. He talks different & walks different in a very slight way when he’s been drinking, but that’s really it. I told him that he couldn’t quit for me but that if he wanted to quit, he had to do it for himself. He didn’t and I’ve taken that to mean that he just doesn’t think he has a problem.
So fast forward to this past Saturday morning when we were leaving to go up north to see my 17 year old son (has lived with his Dad in another state since the beginning of the last school year). I was putting something in the car and for some reason I looked at the bottle of wine on the kitchen counter when I walked back in the house. It was moving & I heard him in the bathroom using mouthwash. I immediately felt super angry. I’ve always had zero tolerance for dishonesty & can’t abide any kind of sneaking around. Not wanting to mess up the weekend, I just told myself I’d address it when we got back. We got back last night and I’ve been thinking about how to talk to him about it when he gets home from work today. There have been more than a few times where a bottle of my wine (I drink red, he drinks white) emptied a lot faster than it would have if I’d been drinking it alone. And I’m hyper aware of how much wine is in the bottle that sits on the counter all the time. I feel like I’m in a policing situation all of a sudden and I don’t want that job.
I obviously want him to stop and I’m going to tell him that today. I honestly think he’s a functioning alcoholic. I’m wondering if anyone here can give me any guidance on the best way to handle this.
I really appreciate anyone taking the time to read this.
This is my first post here. I’ve been dating a great guy for 9 months now. The only catch is that I think he has a drinking problem. He drinks a 1.5 liter bottle of wine every day. I’m an occasional drinker & can’t ever drink more than a glass & a half of wine in one sitting or I wake up the next day with a horrible headache, so his drinking strikes me as VERY dysfunctional. The thing that’s so weird about all this is that he’s a wonderful boyfriend. Attentive, affectionate, my friends & family love him, has a great job, never misses work, never abusive in any way, etc.
I’ve talked to him before about my concerns about his drinking...that it seems like he’s dependent because he does it every day & that I worry about the long term impact it will have on his health. He didn’t get upset at all & said that he’d quit if I wanted him to because he didn’t want it to affect our relationship. The funny thing is that at the time, I couldn’t really think of how his drinking really impacts our relationship, aside from me having to drive more that he does when we go places together. He talks different & walks different in a very slight way when he’s been drinking, but that’s really it. I told him that he couldn’t quit for me but that if he wanted to quit, he had to do it for himself. He didn’t and I’ve taken that to mean that he just doesn’t think he has a problem.
So fast forward to this past Saturday morning when we were leaving to go up north to see my 17 year old son (has lived with his Dad in another state since the beginning of the last school year). I was putting something in the car and for some reason I looked at the bottle of wine on the kitchen counter when I walked back in the house. It was moving & I heard him in the bathroom using mouthwash. I immediately felt super angry. I’ve always had zero tolerance for dishonesty & can’t abide any kind of sneaking around. Not wanting to mess up the weekend, I just told myself I’d address it when we got back. We got back last night and I’ve been thinking about how to talk to him about it when he gets home from work today. There have been more than a few times where a bottle of my wine (I drink red, he drinks white) emptied a lot faster than it would have if I’d been drinking it alone. And I’m hyper aware of how much wine is in the bottle that sits on the counter all the time. I feel like I’m in a policing situation all of a sudden and I don’t want that job.
I obviously want him to stop and I’m going to tell him that today. I honestly think he’s a functioning alcoholic. I’m wondering if anyone here can give me any guidance on the best way to handle this.
I really appreciate anyone taking the time to read this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi JesusGirl,
If he is drinking that much wine by himself every-night he most likely has a drinking problem. Alcohol is a progressive disease. It gets worse with time. You are right that he has to want to quit for himself. There is nothing you can say to change him, he has to come to that conclusion. The only thing you can do is be honest with him and tell him how it makes you feel and set up your boundries. Don't get in an argument with him. Most of the times they will try and deny it or change it around to where you doubt yourself. Alcoholics are great at manipulating the conversation and turning it back on you. I know it's a hard conversation to have, but the longer you ignore it the worst he will get. I'm sure you will get lots of more good advice from people here. They are a great bunch to get knowledge from. Just keep posting and be strong.
If he is drinking that much wine by himself every-night he most likely has a drinking problem. Alcohol is a progressive disease. It gets worse with time. You are right that he has to want to quit for himself. There is nothing you can say to change him, he has to come to that conclusion. The only thing you can do is be honest with him and tell him how it makes you feel and set up your boundries. Don't get in an argument with him. Most of the times they will try and deny it or change it around to where you doubt yourself. Alcoholics are great at manipulating the conversation and turning it back on you. I know it's a hard conversation to have, but the longer you ignore it the worst he will get. I'm sure you will get lots of more good advice from people here. They are a great bunch to get knowledge from. Just keep posting and be strong.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
First of all, recognize and accept that you can talk until you're blue in the face, but if he doesn't think he has a problem, you are not going to convince him with your words. And if he quits for you, and not for himself, that doesn't bode well for long-term success at staying quit.
Mainly, you have to decide what kind of relationship you want to have, and whether this person can provide that for you at this time. I myself would not want to share my time with someone whom I felt I had to police, or who needed to be in an altered state in order to function. That is not the kind of partner one can depend on. By all means, say your peace about how his drinking makes you feel, but then be prepared to let go of the situation and watch his actions in response.
Mainly, you have to decide what kind of relationship you want to have, and whether this person can provide that for you at this time. I myself would not want to share my time with someone whom I felt I had to police, or who needed to be in an altered state in order to function. That is not the kind of partner one can depend on. By all means, say your peace about how his drinking makes you feel, but then be prepared to let go of the situation and watch his actions in response.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Certainly sounds like alcoholism. I'm a recovering alcoholic. There wasn't anything anyone could have said to make me quit drinking before I was ready. Sounds to me like he isn't ready. Hard advice: You only have 9 months invested in this relationship. Walk away. His alcoholism will get worse before it gets better. Talk is cheap. He can say he's going to quit or wants to quit, but unless he actually does something about it for himself nothing will change. Hugs to you. I know it stinks.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Heya Jesusgirl, welcome to sober recovery. I hope you find support here.
Conversations with addicts are pretty non-productive. However most of us have to figure out for ourselves how ineffective conversation with an addict is. I wrote and rewrote letters to my qualifier (qualifier is the addict with whom you have or had a relationship. They qualify you to be here). Those letters along with the fits I threw as well as reasonable conversations with him made not a whit of difference.
Do what you can to educate yourself about relationships with alcoholics. It is pretty non-intuitive for most of us.
The most important thing to do right now is to understand that you absolutely can not change this man. Knowing this, figure out what you want to do and how you want to live.
Please let us know how you get on!
Conversations with addicts are pretty non-productive. However most of us have to figure out for ourselves how ineffective conversation with an addict is. I wrote and rewrote letters to my qualifier (qualifier is the addict with whom you have or had a relationship. They qualify you to be here). Those letters along with the fits I threw as well as reasonable conversations with him made not a whit of difference.
Do what you can to educate yourself about relationships with alcoholics. It is pretty non-intuitive for most of us.
The most important thing to do right now is to understand that you absolutely can not change this man. Knowing this, figure out what you want to do and how you want to live.
Please let us know how you get on!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Sorry you had reason to find us JG. Many of us have been in your shoes. I sure was.
Being the sober police was not a fun job. Didn't pay well either. Being suspicious of body language and watching drink levels was just the start. Once they've been confronted they usually say they will cut down or stop, but what really happens is, they become better at "hiding" it (or so they think). We tend to increase our efforts, "for their own good" and begin snooping for their hiding spots, receipts and empties. They get annoyed with our efforts, fights ensue and resentments grow, for both parties. Nothing I ever tried, ever worked. Not being rational, not screeching, not crying, not raging, not pleading, not ultimatums nor manipulations. I tried it all in my desperation to "fix" the father of my children. I certainly didn't convince him to change his ways and in the process I lost my own way. My codependency got so severe I ended up with an anxiety disorder.
I was invested, we'd been together for more than two decades, I felt I had to try. I know now my efforts were futile, but back then I thought I owed him, our kids, "us" to try. You've been with your guy less than a year and the double red flags are already flying high. Your instincts are talking to you, please listen to them. My ex husband was not an evil person. He was not physically abusive and he was a good provider. He is also an alcoholic and all the problems that come with that. He was usually good TO me, but that didn't mean he was good FOR me. Alcoholics are dishonest. First and foremost they are dishonest with themselves, so you can never really trust someone that can't even trust themselves. It's a very sad state of affairs.
I hope you decide to stay and hang out with us. There is a really good book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie that many of us here have read. It's an easy read. It was a life changer for me and others. You don't have to identify as "codependent" to glean a lot of good info from that book.
I hope your boyfriend decides he wants to live a healthier, better quality of life.
Being the sober police was not a fun job. Didn't pay well either. Being suspicious of body language and watching drink levels was just the start. Once they've been confronted they usually say they will cut down or stop, but what really happens is, they become better at "hiding" it (or so they think). We tend to increase our efforts, "for their own good" and begin snooping for their hiding spots, receipts and empties. They get annoyed with our efforts, fights ensue and resentments grow, for both parties. Nothing I ever tried, ever worked. Not being rational, not screeching, not crying, not raging, not pleading, not ultimatums nor manipulations. I tried it all in my desperation to "fix" the father of my children. I certainly didn't convince him to change his ways and in the process I lost my own way. My codependency got so severe I ended up with an anxiety disorder.
I was invested, we'd been together for more than two decades, I felt I had to try. I know now my efforts were futile, but back then I thought I owed him, our kids, "us" to try. You've been with your guy less than a year and the double red flags are already flying high. Your instincts are talking to you, please listen to them. My ex husband was not an evil person. He was not physically abusive and he was a good provider. He is also an alcoholic and all the problems that come with that. He was usually good TO me, but that didn't mean he was good FOR me. Alcoholics are dishonest. First and foremost they are dishonest with themselves, so you can never really trust someone that can't even trust themselves. It's a very sad state of affairs.
I hope you decide to stay and hang out with us. There is a really good book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie that many of us here have read. It's an easy read. It was a life changer for me and others. You don't have to identify as "codependent" to glean a lot of good info from that book.
I hope your boyfriend decides he wants to live a healthier, better quality of life.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
The way I see it is that his drinking is causing a problem in your relationship. There would be no relationship if you weren't in it and you are - so there we have it. You have a problem with his drinking and that's all that matters - whether he agrees or not.
I, personally, am not a fan of ultimatums. I don't think they're very successful at anything other than conjuring anger.
That said - I think the most valuable option you have at this time is to remove yourself from the drama. That way, he can figure out how he wants to handle things on his own - as he should because he's an adult.
You can say "I'm no longer comfortable around you when you drink, which is every day. So - to take care of myself and my sanity, One of us has to go." Or something to that affect...not sure what your living arrangements are. Yes, that would be drastic, but drastic times call for drastic measures. And this is obviously something that bothers you on a regular basis. Whatever you do at this point - don't minimize the impact his drinking is having on your life. That isn't doing either of you any favors.
P.S. It's nearly impossible to have a conversation with a drinker. They are not sane. (sorry, but it's true)
Best.
I, personally, am not a fan of ultimatums. I don't think they're very successful at anything other than conjuring anger.
That said - I think the most valuable option you have at this time is to remove yourself from the drama. That way, he can figure out how he wants to handle things on his own - as he should because he's an adult.
You can say "I'm no longer comfortable around you when you drink, which is every day. So - to take care of myself and my sanity, One of us has to go." Or something to that affect...not sure what your living arrangements are. Yes, that would be drastic, but drastic times call for drastic measures. And this is obviously something that bothers you on a regular basis. Whatever you do at this point - don't minimize the impact his drinking is having on your life. That isn't doing either of you any favors.
P.S. It's nearly impossible to have a conversation with a drinker. They are not sane. (sorry, but it's true)
Best.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Honestly? Cut your losses and run for the hills. When I met my ex he was so charming and kind and listened and spoiled me. It was such a nice change from my first ex. He liked to drink a fair amount but hey, he was going through a divorce, stressed at work and it made sense right? Wrong..... he is also a medical provider to they should know better right? Certainly he knew what he was doing? Things would get better once the divorce was final....
we had some good years ot I would not have married him but I just didn’t know enough about alcoholism to realize how much of a problem it really was (because divorce remember...)L I ended up drinking a lot with him for a while, mostly in the hope to curb his drinking (I know now that was so dumb), if I helped him drink a bottle of wine then he would stop....wrong again. He would just open up another one (So I quit trying to keep up with him and just had a glass) . And at night he got up a lot because he was a terrible insomniac (remember the stress for his divorce and call etc). And he would get up and drink the hard liquor at that time. So many red flags, so many that I ignored where I think now WTH was I thinking. But he treated me do’s nicely, we could talk. I brought it up one time that he seemed to drink a lot and he minimized it of course (remember all that stress from the divorce and work). He stopped several times but it never lasted. It got worse over time. What I learned later on that functional really means that he is functional for the outside world (work friends family) but that at home he is non functional because he starts drinking. We had everyone fooled, he hid it well and I covered for him. Even his adult child and his late teens niece who lived with us before he finally got clean had no clue.
i don’t think I could ever say I regret marrying him because that would mean I would not have had my awesome kid. But really I missed so many red flags. But I wanted to help him, take care of him, support him through his divorce etc. over time however things got worse. He would go to work and come home and start drinking, go to bed early, then wake up when I went to bed and get up and drink just long enough to where he would be sober in time for work. All very calculated when you look back on it. They are actually very smart and manipulative people.
As time went on things got worse (because that’s how alcoholism works). For some reason, me who likes to research everything never really researched alcoholism. Maybe because I was afraid of what I would learn, I honestly don’t know but I regret it now,
He doesn’t think he has a problem, but you do. He says he will quit for you if you like and he probably will if you as him. But it won’t last. Not until he decides he has a problem and wants to quit and get help to do so (counseling, rehab, AA). He knows what you want to hear. So he will play nice for a while until he starts drinking in moderation for a while after his “break” . And before you know it he will be back to drinking a lot. Chances are he drinks even more than you think.
he will get worse. My ex would get pissy and tired very easily, he hated his job, was depressed because of that. But in retrospect most f that was because of alcoholism. He was a crappy sleeper because alcohol will make you fall asleep but won’t keep you asleep. He hated his job because he did not have the coping skills to deal with the stress from his job and also the divorce and it wouldn’t take much to be pisssy about something at work. His job hasn’t changed but now that he is sober he handles it much better.
soiling the bed is also a fun side effect of drinking too munch (both kinds).
Talking to him won’t do any good more than likely. He will somehow minimize and make you believe that you are the crazy one for thinking he has a problem. He will get worse, it’s only a matter of time. You have very little invested in this and no kids together. They all can play nice and be charming for a while but once they start getting really comfortable their true alcoholic colors will come out.
Educate yourself on alcoholism and keep reading here, you will start to see a pattern, similarities etc. He won’t change for you, once you start interfering with his happy little drinking life he will get cranky and likely start to pick fights and make it your fault somehow. And he will likely move on to someone who will tolerate his drinking. His drinking has nothing to do with you or anyone else. It is his choice to drink, he also has a choice to stop ans eek help but until he wants to quit for himself he will not be successful long term. He also will not be successful long terms just quitting drinking without getting counseling/AA etc.That is just called a dry drunk and I don’t recommend that either.
you can try talking to him, I did that many times, just be prepared that It will be futile and disappointing. He might stop drinking long enough to lull you into a false sense of security but it won’t last. And you will just get in deeper as times goes on and these cycles repeat themselves,
you will notice here how so many people will say that they have a great guy, kind charming etc but he just have this one little problem with alcohol. Most of them are so kind etc early on. They know how to work it and hook someone. He may be “functional” right now but I think if you really look hard at your relationship you will realize he may not be as functional as à non alcoholic would be. Don’t ignore the red flags. Because it will only get worse unfortunately. They might be “functional” until they are not...
this post may come off as cruel and hard but it is the unfortunate truth for the vast majorly of people that are here. A few people, come here thinking that my guy isn’t like all these guy people talk about here. He is different. Until you realize that hey, yes he is just like the guys people talk on here (or girls really).
I ignored so many red flags and didn’t research alcoholism. I really wish I had. Not sure how it would’ve changed my life but it would’ve been so much easier to cope and I might have had the guts to leave sooner or make different decision. Who knows. But mentally it would’ve been different for sure. And don’t feel bad about talking about It with close friends. No need to protect him or his feeling regarding drinking. I wish I would’ve talked about it with close friends. It probably would’ve made it all more tolerable for me and less lonely,
Think long and hard if you wan to stay. But I would not recommend staying in a relationship with someone that drink 1.5 bottles of wine every night. Been there done that. And the policing is absolutely awe full yet we have all done it.
I wish you all the best but take care of you and think about your needs and wants and start taking care of those Republicans use you deserve it
we had some good years ot I would not have married him but I just didn’t know enough about alcoholism to realize how much of a problem it really was (because divorce remember...)L I ended up drinking a lot with him for a while, mostly in the hope to curb his drinking (I know now that was so dumb), if I helped him drink a bottle of wine then he would stop....wrong again. He would just open up another one (So I quit trying to keep up with him and just had a glass) . And at night he got up a lot because he was a terrible insomniac (remember the stress for his divorce and call etc). And he would get up and drink the hard liquor at that time. So many red flags, so many that I ignored where I think now WTH was I thinking. But he treated me do’s nicely, we could talk. I brought it up one time that he seemed to drink a lot and he minimized it of course (remember all that stress from the divorce and work). He stopped several times but it never lasted. It got worse over time. What I learned later on that functional really means that he is functional for the outside world (work friends family) but that at home he is non functional because he starts drinking. We had everyone fooled, he hid it well and I covered for him. Even his adult child and his late teens niece who lived with us before he finally got clean had no clue.
i don’t think I could ever say I regret marrying him because that would mean I would not have had my awesome kid. But really I missed so many red flags. But I wanted to help him, take care of him, support him through his divorce etc. over time however things got worse. He would go to work and come home and start drinking, go to bed early, then wake up when I went to bed and get up and drink just long enough to where he would be sober in time for work. All very calculated when you look back on it. They are actually very smart and manipulative people.
As time went on things got worse (because that’s how alcoholism works). For some reason, me who likes to research everything never really researched alcoholism. Maybe because I was afraid of what I would learn, I honestly don’t know but I regret it now,
He doesn’t think he has a problem, but you do. He says he will quit for you if you like and he probably will if you as him. But it won’t last. Not until he decides he has a problem and wants to quit and get help to do so (counseling, rehab, AA). He knows what you want to hear. So he will play nice for a while until he starts drinking in moderation for a while after his “break” . And before you know it he will be back to drinking a lot. Chances are he drinks even more than you think.
he will get worse. My ex would get pissy and tired very easily, he hated his job, was depressed because of that. But in retrospect most f that was because of alcoholism. He was a crappy sleeper because alcohol will make you fall asleep but won’t keep you asleep. He hated his job because he did not have the coping skills to deal with the stress from his job and also the divorce and it wouldn’t take much to be pisssy about something at work. His job hasn’t changed but now that he is sober he handles it much better.
soiling the bed is also a fun side effect of drinking too munch (both kinds).
Talking to him won’t do any good more than likely. He will somehow minimize and make you believe that you are the crazy one for thinking he has a problem. He will get worse, it’s only a matter of time. You have very little invested in this and no kids together. They all can play nice and be charming for a while but once they start getting really comfortable their true alcoholic colors will come out.
Educate yourself on alcoholism and keep reading here, you will start to see a pattern, similarities etc. He won’t change for you, once you start interfering with his happy little drinking life he will get cranky and likely start to pick fights and make it your fault somehow. And he will likely move on to someone who will tolerate his drinking. His drinking has nothing to do with you or anyone else. It is his choice to drink, he also has a choice to stop ans eek help but until he wants to quit for himself he will not be successful long term. He also will not be successful long terms just quitting drinking without getting counseling/AA etc.That is just called a dry drunk and I don’t recommend that either.
you can try talking to him, I did that many times, just be prepared that It will be futile and disappointing. He might stop drinking long enough to lull you into a false sense of security but it won’t last. And you will just get in deeper as times goes on and these cycles repeat themselves,
you will notice here how so many people will say that they have a great guy, kind charming etc but he just have this one little problem with alcohol. Most of them are so kind etc early on. They know how to work it and hook someone. He may be “functional” right now but I think if you really look hard at your relationship you will realize he may not be as functional as à non alcoholic would be. Don’t ignore the red flags. Because it will only get worse unfortunately. They might be “functional” until they are not...
this post may come off as cruel and hard but it is the unfortunate truth for the vast majorly of people that are here. A few people, come here thinking that my guy isn’t like all these guy people talk about here. He is different. Until you realize that hey, yes he is just like the guys people talk on here (or girls really).
I ignored so many red flags and didn’t research alcoholism. I really wish I had. Not sure how it would’ve changed my life but it would’ve been so much easier to cope and I might have had the guts to leave sooner or make different decision. Who knows. But mentally it would’ve been different for sure. And don’t feel bad about talking about It with close friends. No need to protect him or his feeling regarding drinking. I wish I would’ve talked about it with close friends. It probably would’ve made it all more tolerable for me and less lonely,
Think long and hard if you wan to stay. But I would not recommend staying in a relationship with someone that drink 1.5 bottles of wine every night. Been there done that. And the policing is absolutely awe full yet we have all done it.
I wish you all the best but take care of you and think about your needs and wants and start taking care of those Republicans use you deserve it
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 51
Hi sorry that your situation has bought you here but like us all we have found a lot of answers and comfort from this site I know I have.
my ex was like yours and we had many conversations and many times I thought he was listening he loved me right of course he would want to stop drinking.
How wrong I was because even though he would sit there and say I’m sorry I know I have a drink problem 2/3 days later drink again with the you make me think I have a problem with drink I don’t !! It’s you ! The blame game !
so what all the others are saying is 100% true you can speak to him, but unless he wants to give up he won’t change and it’s a hard pill to swallow when you move them.
i stayed about hoping he would I put up with the drunken rages the embarrassing nights out the abuse the anger. It’s such an emotional rollercoaster and something I wish I’d never gone through I wish I’d never met him in fact.
because when I finally walked away his life didn’t change at all he was still drinking I was heartbroken how could my love not be enough for him to want to change.
they don’t change unless they want to stop please think about yourself it’s so painful do what’s right for you but it’s a horrible disease testing a lot of stories on here will help you
good luck
my ex was like yours and we had many conversations and many times I thought he was listening he loved me right of course he would want to stop drinking.
How wrong I was because even though he would sit there and say I’m sorry I know I have a drink problem 2/3 days later drink again with the you make me think I have a problem with drink I don’t !! It’s you ! The blame game !
so what all the others are saying is 100% true you can speak to him, but unless he wants to give up he won’t change and it’s a hard pill to swallow when you move them.
i stayed about hoping he would I put up with the drunken rages the embarrassing nights out the abuse the anger. It’s such an emotional rollercoaster and something I wish I’d never gone through I wish I’d never met him in fact.
because when I finally walked away his life didn’t change at all he was still drinking I was heartbroken how could my love not be enough for him to want to change.
they don’t change unless they want to stop please think about yourself it’s so painful do what’s right for you but it’s a horrible disease testing a lot of stories on here will help you
good luck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 2
I just want to say thank you SO much to all of you who took the time to respond to my first post here yesterday. There is so much experience and wisdom here...it blows me away. I see pieces of me & our relationship in every single reply. Thank you for being so honest & supportive.
I told him yesterday when he got home with his 1.5 liter bottle of wine that I couldn’t continue in a relationship with him unless he stopped drinking & he got help in some form. I got a little angry actually. He was ashamed & embarrassed, knows he has a problem and he said he’d start tapering down. Of course the bottle of wine on the counter is empty this morning. I regret not giving him a deadline yesterday and am going to give him one today. I’ve done some research and it looks like by decreasing his consumption 2 drinks a day...IF he’s only drinking the 10 drinks in the 1.5 liter bottle a day...he can be down to zero by Sunday. So that’s the date. He’s either not drinking and pursuing active sobriety by then, or he can leave. He lives with me in a house I own and I am too grown & set in my ways to be in a relationship with someone I have to accommodate in this way. This is a big enough negative to cancel all the positives completely. I’m someone who is very comfortable living alone, I have a full life and lots of support. I was happily single for almost four years before I met him and being single again doesn’t scare me at all. So there it is. A follow up conversation we’ll have today.
I’m praying about it and understand fully that I’m not in control. He has to want to be 100% sober for himself and his future and has do the work to get himself there. I’m so incredibly blessed to be in a position where I’m not obligated to accommodate his addiction to have the life I have. It feels a little bit callous to write that but it’s the truth. I know a lot of people in my situation aren’t as fortunate. I’ll keep you posted as the story unfolds. Thank you again for the amazing support!!
I told him yesterday when he got home with his 1.5 liter bottle of wine that I couldn’t continue in a relationship with him unless he stopped drinking & he got help in some form. I got a little angry actually. He was ashamed & embarrassed, knows he has a problem and he said he’d start tapering down. Of course the bottle of wine on the counter is empty this morning. I regret not giving him a deadline yesterday and am going to give him one today. I’ve done some research and it looks like by decreasing his consumption 2 drinks a day...IF he’s only drinking the 10 drinks in the 1.5 liter bottle a day...he can be down to zero by Sunday. So that’s the date. He’s either not drinking and pursuing active sobriety by then, or he can leave. He lives with me in a house I own and I am too grown & set in my ways to be in a relationship with someone I have to accommodate in this way. This is a big enough negative to cancel all the positives completely. I’m someone who is very comfortable living alone, I have a full life and lots of support. I was happily single for almost four years before I met him and being single again doesn’t scare me at all. So there it is. A follow up conversation we’ll have today.
I’m praying about it and understand fully that I’m not in control. He has to want to be 100% sober for himself and his future and has do the work to get himself there. I’m so incredibly blessed to be in a position where I’m not obligated to accommodate his addiction to have the life I have. It feels a little bit callous to write that but it’s the truth. I know a lot of people in my situation aren’t as fortunate. I’ll keep you posted as the story unfolds. Thank you again for the amazing support!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi JesusGirl,
I'm glad you were strong and were able to speak to him on how you feel about his drinking. Just a for warning, he is going to probably fight you on the deadline. Just tell him that and don't engage. It is up to him to decide. You sound like you have this under control and have a plan. Just keep being strong and coming back.
I'm glad you were strong and were able to speak to him on how you feel about his drinking. Just a for warning, he is going to probably fight you on the deadline. Just tell him that and don't engage. It is up to him to decide. You sound like you have this under control and have a plan. Just keep being strong and coming back.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Stay strong on this boundary. If you waver even a little, he will learn that you do not mean what you say. We are here to support you!
Very proud of you for being so strong in your conviction to live your life the way YOU want to live it!
Very proud of you for being so strong in your conviction to live your life the way YOU want to live it!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
I hope he does leave if he doesn't quit drinking. However this can be tricky. There is a difference between making a rule for someone and a boundary. A boundary is something you will do yourself. Asking him to quit drinking and/or leave is something he will need to do so this really isn't a boundary.
When he lives with you, it is difficult to get him to leave if this is what you want. I don't know where you are but in the United States in some states, there are laws about kicking someone out even when you own the house.
Unfortunately he probably won't be able to quit by Sunday and even if he does, he may well start up again and hide it. This is what alcoholics do. Our wishes, words and hopes are as nothing before the hurricane force of an alcohol addiction.
Let us know how it goes for you Jesusgirl.
When he lives with you, it is difficult to get him to leave if this is what you want. I don't know where you are but in the United States in some states, there are laws about kicking someone out even when you own the house.
Unfortunately he probably won't be able to quit by Sunday and even if he does, he may well start up again and hide it. This is what alcoholics do. Our wishes, words and hopes are as nothing before the hurricane force of an alcohol addiction.
Let us know how it goes for you Jesusgirl.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
As an alcoholic in recovery myself - I wouldn't give him a whole week.
He only needs one day to get himself to the doctor for some inexpensive detox meds. If he's not passed out most of the day he's capable.
A week will just be an unbearable week for you and he won't taper, I can almost guarantee he won't. First off, it's nearly impossible for some (most) alcoholics to taper. Second, he'll drink all week and on Saturday claim he can't quit, he'll try to bargain with you for "moderation" or he'll just hide it better. It will be a week of anger and arguments. You may not SEE him drinking, but he'll be drinking. How do you plan to Monitor this taper? The honor system?
Even IF the Miracle happens and he quits - you've now got a dry alcoholic on your hands who needs all kinds of psychological and medical help for about a year, minimum. He will have so much resentment toward you. Are you prepared for that roller coaster (that he likely won't get on, anyway?)
He only needs one day to get himself to the doctor for some inexpensive detox meds. If he's not passed out most of the day he's capable.
A week will just be an unbearable week for you and he won't taper, I can almost guarantee he won't. First off, it's nearly impossible for some (most) alcoholics to taper. Second, he'll drink all week and on Saturday claim he can't quit, he'll try to bargain with you for "moderation" or he'll just hide it better. It will be a week of anger and arguments. You may not SEE him drinking, but he'll be drinking. How do you plan to Monitor this taper? The honor system?
Even IF the Miracle happens and he quits - you've now got a dry alcoholic on your hands who needs all kinds of psychological and medical help for about a year, minimum. He will have so much resentment toward you. Are you prepared for that roller coaster (that he likely won't get on, anyway?)
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by JesusGirl 
I am too grown & set in my ways to be in a relationship with someone I have to accommodate in this way. ....I’m not obligated to accommodate his addiction to have the life I have.
Today is the day, not Sunday. If he wants to stop drinking, he will seek help today.
Today is the day, not Sunday. If you are committed to your values, you will stand by them today.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
"I’m praying about it and understand fully that I’m not in control."
You are in control of your own life.
I'll drop this here since it feels appropriate: He may leave and choose alcohol over you. And what I hope you'll try to understand is that - if he does leave - it's due to the fact that he has become physically, emotionally, and psychologically dependent on alcohol. Tapering off for some of us just isn't what it takes. It took me 15 years to nip it in the bud and I only have 5 months of sobriety this time. The last time I managed 20 months of sobriety and still relapsed. It happens. Until something even BIGGER than drinking and alcohol happens. For me it was my 50th birthday and the realization that I'd had enough wine in my lifetime to fill about five lifetimes.
Be prepared for it to swing either way. That's all I'm suggesting.
Best.
You are in control of your own life.
I'll drop this here since it feels appropriate: He may leave and choose alcohol over you. And what I hope you'll try to understand is that - if he does leave - it's due to the fact that he has become physically, emotionally, and psychologically dependent on alcohol. Tapering off for some of us just isn't what it takes. It took me 15 years to nip it in the bud and I only have 5 months of sobriety this time. The last time I managed 20 months of sobriety and still relapsed. It happens. Until something even BIGGER than drinking and alcohol happens. For me it was my 50th birthday and the realization that I'd had enough wine in my lifetime to fill about five lifetimes.
Be prepared for it to swing either way. That's all I'm suggesting.
Best.
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