This is my First post, and I'm sure it's a tale as old as time....
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 9
This is my First post, and I'm sure it's a tale as old as time....
Firstly, Hello. Thanks for having me. I've never posted before so I hope this is the right place... and I hope that anyone going through anything like I'm going through right now is doing the best they can, and I wish you all the best of luck in the World to fix any pain you're going through.
This is probably going to be pretty boring coz I've already seen the threads, and I'm sure I'll be repeating a lot of things already been answered. Sorry about that. If anyone can't sleep, read away, I'm sure it'll help you doze off. lol. Sorry, I'm just trying to keep a sense of humour as best I can. I'm going to try and keep it as brief and to the point as possible, but sorry in advance if I waffle on. It's the ADHD in me. Just can't stop talking. lol. I already know it's going to be as long as War and Peace! haha
So I met my now husband in Los Angeles while I was there working . We struck up a friendship, then a relationship. He used drugs then but not too often, and so did I. I never used hard drugs, just maybe an ecstasy to dance all night, but nothing super hardcore. He used meth now and again but not very often at all, and this was a long time ago, and being from the UK, I didn't even know what it was at that time, let alone how damaging it could be. I didn't think too much of it at the time, being pretty young and ready to party on a Friday night.
About 2 years later he was arrested and sentenced to 14.5 years after taking a plea deal. (10 if those were a gun enhancement that wasn't even ever found someone just said they saw a gun, and bam, an extra 10 years with no evidence. That enhancement isn't even legal now. So he should really have only got 4.5 yrs) I won't go into the ins and outs of that, unless anyone cares to know later in the thread, because I'm trying to keep it short, but the point I'm making is that he went in there as a 19 year old sweet boy who made a mistake, and the psychological impacts of long term incarceration have effected him deeply. He's not adjusting to the outside world very well at all.
Anyways...Stupid old me stuck around the whole term loving him, supporting him, never missing phone calls, writing every couple if days. Even when he was inside we had the best relationship in that situation. We got married, and for the last few years had family visits where we could spend 3 whole nights and days together. My work visa had ran out, so I had returned to the UK, and with him incarcerated, I preferred to just fly back and forth to visit, stay 3 weeks so I'd fit a ton of visits in and do that a couple of times a year. No-one else even visited except me and his dad in the last 8 years, and his dad only twice. About a year before he was released, I noticed he had relapsed. He wouldn't admit it but I knew it was true. Being behind the wall though, it's easy to create doubt because I can't see him, and he had all the communication control because it wasn't like I could call him, but I knew. He finally admitted he'd been using meth and heroin for the past two years inside and just could stop. Then all the lies began. He's never been mean to me but when I catch him out it's like he projects anger at himself on to me and he just stonewalls me for days even though he's wrong.
So obviously, because we're married, I could've applied for my visa a long time ago, but I didn't want to leave my friends and family until he was close to release. Then out of the blue he got 18 months knocked off his sentence for schoolwork credit that hadn't been added to his record. It threw my timeline out completely. Suddenly, he's getting out of prison and I can't move there. So we started the visa process as soon as possible, but because I have medical issues, I can't not travel waiting around for a visa in the USA. I have to apply from the UK. So there was no option for me to go there and adjust my status right from the beginning. And the time when the 18 months came off was only 2 months before he was released! That's not enough time to be organised to move your whole life anyways.
I picked him up 1st November last year, and due to the prison being on a lockdown, it had forced him to detox, physically, but obviously not mentally. I stayed that trip until late December and he was doing great. Sober, working right away, being loving and caring. I had to come home for a consultation for a major surgery that was gonna happen in January. We were still in communication all day given the time difference, everything was still great, but by late January, I noticed him relapsing. I feel like when I was there, he had someone to hang out with, come home to, distract himself, and when I left, his younger sisters took over but the novelty wore off as they're only teens now. He found himself lonely and hadn't made any new friends, so went back to his old ones... the ones that got him in trouble in the first place. My surgery got moved yet again so I found myself with free time, so I flew over to just give him some support, and he sobered up and entered an outpatient program. He was doing good for a while until covid meant face to face meetings were all cancelled and doing them on zoom just wasn't the same, so he started flaking on it.
Fast forward to end of April and he'd relapsed hard. Worse than the January time. It was a couple of months being worried sick about him, especially being stuck here away from him. His dad found needles (he's using both meth and heroin IV) in his room and told him rehab or leave. He entered the initial detox program, and we were both crying on video chat. He sent me a screenshot of a conversation he was having with his friend that he had to do this to save his marriage. He called every day from detox. Then he got moved to an all male rehab facility. 10 days with no phone, and then he got it back, and we were back to chatting every day. We had a few minor arguments because this had been stressful for me to, and if I'm waking up at 3.30am to talk to him like he asked, and then he's not available, I just text him some choice words about taking the ****... but we got past that and the last 2 days he was there were amazing, and we were making plans for me to come pick him up from the rehab on my tourist visa... then his phone went dead. He'd blocked my number. So I got worried because I knew his 'friends' had been throwing dope over the wall of the rehab so he wasn't fully sober. I asked his dad to check on him. His dad got a text back saying to "Tell (me) I love her and the rehab have taken my phone for a couple of days so I can focus on myself.) I knew this was bs because my number was blocked but his dad's wasn't.
He had told me to look after his FB while he didn't have a phone, and let people know where he was. As had a gut feeling he'd left the centre, I was expecting to find a message from one of his sleazy friends saying they'd come break him out. Instead I found a message from a girl saying, 'why is his phone switched off when he said he was on his way to see her?' Honestly, I was floored. Like fully gobsmacked. I now wish I hadn't replied, but at the time I just couldn't help myself. I was super polite, not aggressive at all, but I asked what was going on and why would he be visiting when he should be in rehab. No answer.
So now, it was clear he had left the rehab and gone and met this woman. I think initially he had thought he could sneak out, go get high with her, and then re-join the program, or why else would he have told my FIL to let me know he'll only be able to call a few mins a day for 2 days? I think the fact he then knew I knew the truth was the catalyst that has made him spiral so fast down hill. He won't answer my calls, he was originally texting a little bit, but now he changed his number. I admit, at the beginning I was sooooooo in shock I did overwhelm him with constant calls and texts. I know his new number anyway because it came on our joint phone account, he just doesn't know I know, and I've chosen not to use it, and I'm just sending the occasional email which he's reading but not replying. I set the account up and have always had the password with his consent, because he needed me to help him with forms and software while he was learning all this stuff because after so long in prison he doesn't really know much about things like that. At present he's currently holed up in a sleazy motel with this woman slamming as much heroin and meth as they can manage all day every day. (he left rehab about 2 weeks ago) Asking for money off of everyone in his family. It's so sad.
Anyways, here's the crooks of my dilemma. Obviously, despite my calm demeanour in this post, I'm fully devastated and heartbroken. Partially because I'm still in love with him, partially because watching the person I love deteriorate is just so dreadful, and definitely that he could run off with a fellow junkie he met for 2 days in a detox centre after I've stood by him with very little in return through his incarceration. But the real hurt is the stonewalling me. I know I can't change the path he's on. He has to chose to get better. I know I can't force him to be with me, but I feel like after I've been there through thick and thin with him, all through prison, before prison, and after, and 3 relapses, it is just boggling my mind how he can just blank me like this. It's obviously the drugs, and he probably doesn't want to deal with me whilst this woman is there because she comes across as kooky and fun to him, but to me, she messages me things like 'enjoy the divorce bitch, because it's coming' and 'you need to leave him alone because we're together and our love will last a life time.' haha, I mean, what? At the point of that message, she'd known him 3 days. Who thinks like that? So I'm having to deal with abuse from her, stonewalling from him, which I'm struggling to cope with. I can deal with it if he's leaving to be with her, but we're half way through a visa process. Everything I've done here for years is to make sure I can blend in to the USA workforce as smoothly as possible. I've spent a lot of money on the lawyer and filing fees, so I feel like we should at least keep doing the application. The main Green Card has been applied for, but we were trying for a K3 which would get me there sooner, though I wouldn't be able to work until I applied for a permit... I wrote him an email asking him to at least reply to the lawyers, and he did, and they've set up a meeting for Monday. He could have just told them we're not together any more. He didn't reply to my message though, only to the lawyers, and then the confusing thing is, he then sent his dad divorce papers asking him to print them out for him??? wtf? It's just all so confusing.
So I guess what I'm asking, or not even asking anything, I'm just hurt and confused. It's the visa issue I need clarification on asap because I have a job waiting for me. Is he lying to her about divorcing me and just using the form as 'evidence' while he's on his mental breakdown with her? Because I don't understand why he told the lawyers he'd do anything to help the process. It's just mixed messages, and it's effecting my choices. I need to know what to do because I need to adjust a LOT of plans if we get divorced and the visa is rejected. I have a very nice job waiting for me, so this issue is important to me form a career perspective
Also, in time, things change, he might come to his sense, I would be prepared to seek therapy and see if we can muddle through. At the very least, I want to end on an amicable note. I don't want to be bitter about this at all. I've lost like 16lbs in 10 days. (Not that my fatass couldn't do with it, lol) So I'm just wondering what you guys think, or how I should act. I don't want to stress him out. Everyone is on his case already because they all think he's mad to walk away from me, especially the way he's just ghosted. I'm not trying to make him feel worse, I just need some answers regarding legal issues so I can make some smart choices for my own life. Any advice on how to talk to him to make him feel safe? I feel like he won't talk to me until she's not in the picture coz I think he's just stressed out to the max. All the emails I've sent him have been kind, understanding, non-beggy, and letting him know that I know he's going through it right about now. So I'm really trying to keep my self-respect and class. I just don't want to aggravate the situation more. My mental health is at an all time low, and I just want to look after myself, and not have to deal with waiting for a reply, but the reply to the visa is so important because he's gonna leave me with a HUGE legal bill for nothing if he doesn't follow through and I'll have to reconsider my job here in the UK, so if he could give me that, I could move on....
So any thoughts, comments, advice, anyone have any anecdotal similar situations they could tell me about? Or give me some insight as to why he's doing this, would be appreciated... Except ones telling me to leave him. I'm not quite mentally ready to hear that just yet.
As you can see, that was an epically long post despite me saying I was going to be short, so I'm a big fat liar... well a little fat liar after the 16lbs. lol
Thanks for listening and have a good day.
This is probably going to be pretty boring coz I've already seen the threads, and I'm sure I'll be repeating a lot of things already been answered. Sorry about that. If anyone can't sleep, read away, I'm sure it'll help you doze off. lol. Sorry, I'm just trying to keep a sense of humour as best I can. I'm going to try and keep it as brief and to the point as possible, but sorry in advance if I waffle on. It's the ADHD in me. Just can't stop talking. lol. I already know it's going to be as long as War and Peace! haha
So I met my now husband in Los Angeles while I was there working . We struck up a friendship, then a relationship. He used drugs then but not too often, and so did I. I never used hard drugs, just maybe an ecstasy to dance all night, but nothing super hardcore. He used meth now and again but not very often at all, and this was a long time ago, and being from the UK, I didn't even know what it was at that time, let alone how damaging it could be. I didn't think too much of it at the time, being pretty young and ready to party on a Friday night.
About 2 years later he was arrested and sentenced to 14.5 years after taking a plea deal. (10 if those were a gun enhancement that wasn't even ever found someone just said they saw a gun, and bam, an extra 10 years with no evidence. That enhancement isn't even legal now. So he should really have only got 4.5 yrs) I won't go into the ins and outs of that, unless anyone cares to know later in the thread, because I'm trying to keep it short, but the point I'm making is that he went in there as a 19 year old sweet boy who made a mistake, and the psychological impacts of long term incarceration have effected him deeply. He's not adjusting to the outside world very well at all.
Anyways...Stupid old me stuck around the whole term loving him, supporting him, never missing phone calls, writing every couple if days. Even when he was inside we had the best relationship in that situation. We got married, and for the last few years had family visits where we could spend 3 whole nights and days together. My work visa had ran out, so I had returned to the UK, and with him incarcerated, I preferred to just fly back and forth to visit, stay 3 weeks so I'd fit a ton of visits in and do that a couple of times a year. No-one else even visited except me and his dad in the last 8 years, and his dad only twice. About a year before he was released, I noticed he had relapsed. He wouldn't admit it but I knew it was true. Being behind the wall though, it's easy to create doubt because I can't see him, and he had all the communication control because it wasn't like I could call him, but I knew. He finally admitted he'd been using meth and heroin for the past two years inside and just could stop. Then all the lies began. He's never been mean to me but when I catch him out it's like he projects anger at himself on to me and he just stonewalls me for days even though he's wrong.
So obviously, because we're married, I could've applied for my visa a long time ago, but I didn't want to leave my friends and family until he was close to release. Then out of the blue he got 18 months knocked off his sentence for schoolwork credit that hadn't been added to his record. It threw my timeline out completely. Suddenly, he's getting out of prison and I can't move there. So we started the visa process as soon as possible, but because I have medical issues, I can't not travel waiting around for a visa in the USA. I have to apply from the UK. So there was no option for me to go there and adjust my status right from the beginning. And the time when the 18 months came off was only 2 months before he was released! That's not enough time to be organised to move your whole life anyways.
I picked him up 1st November last year, and due to the prison being on a lockdown, it had forced him to detox, physically, but obviously not mentally. I stayed that trip until late December and he was doing great. Sober, working right away, being loving and caring. I had to come home for a consultation for a major surgery that was gonna happen in January. We were still in communication all day given the time difference, everything was still great, but by late January, I noticed him relapsing. I feel like when I was there, he had someone to hang out with, come home to, distract himself, and when I left, his younger sisters took over but the novelty wore off as they're only teens now. He found himself lonely and hadn't made any new friends, so went back to his old ones... the ones that got him in trouble in the first place. My surgery got moved yet again so I found myself with free time, so I flew over to just give him some support, and he sobered up and entered an outpatient program. He was doing good for a while until covid meant face to face meetings were all cancelled and doing them on zoom just wasn't the same, so he started flaking on it.
Fast forward to end of April and he'd relapsed hard. Worse than the January time. It was a couple of months being worried sick about him, especially being stuck here away from him. His dad found needles (he's using both meth and heroin IV) in his room and told him rehab or leave. He entered the initial detox program, and we were both crying on video chat. He sent me a screenshot of a conversation he was having with his friend that he had to do this to save his marriage. He called every day from detox. Then he got moved to an all male rehab facility. 10 days with no phone, and then he got it back, and we were back to chatting every day. We had a few minor arguments because this had been stressful for me to, and if I'm waking up at 3.30am to talk to him like he asked, and then he's not available, I just text him some choice words about taking the ****... but we got past that and the last 2 days he was there were amazing, and we were making plans for me to come pick him up from the rehab on my tourist visa... then his phone went dead. He'd blocked my number. So I got worried because I knew his 'friends' had been throwing dope over the wall of the rehab so he wasn't fully sober. I asked his dad to check on him. His dad got a text back saying to "Tell (me) I love her and the rehab have taken my phone for a couple of days so I can focus on myself.) I knew this was bs because my number was blocked but his dad's wasn't.
He had told me to look after his FB while he didn't have a phone, and let people know where he was. As had a gut feeling he'd left the centre, I was expecting to find a message from one of his sleazy friends saying they'd come break him out. Instead I found a message from a girl saying, 'why is his phone switched off when he said he was on his way to see her?' Honestly, I was floored. Like fully gobsmacked. I now wish I hadn't replied, but at the time I just couldn't help myself. I was super polite, not aggressive at all, but I asked what was going on and why would he be visiting when he should be in rehab. No answer.
So now, it was clear he had left the rehab and gone and met this woman. I think initially he had thought he could sneak out, go get high with her, and then re-join the program, or why else would he have told my FIL to let me know he'll only be able to call a few mins a day for 2 days? I think the fact he then knew I knew the truth was the catalyst that has made him spiral so fast down hill. He won't answer my calls, he was originally texting a little bit, but now he changed his number. I admit, at the beginning I was sooooooo in shock I did overwhelm him with constant calls and texts. I know his new number anyway because it came on our joint phone account, he just doesn't know I know, and I've chosen not to use it, and I'm just sending the occasional email which he's reading but not replying. I set the account up and have always had the password with his consent, because he needed me to help him with forms and software while he was learning all this stuff because after so long in prison he doesn't really know much about things like that. At present he's currently holed up in a sleazy motel with this woman slamming as much heroin and meth as they can manage all day every day. (he left rehab about 2 weeks ago) Asking for money off of everyone in his family. It's so sad.
Anyways, here's the crooks of my dilemma. Obviously, despite my calm demeanour in this post, I'm fully devastated and heartbroken. Partially because I'm still in love with him, partially because watching the person I love deteriorate is just so dreadful, and definitely that he could run off with a fellow junkie he met for 2 days in a detox centre after I've stood by him with very little in return through his incarceration. But the real hurt is the stonewalling me. I know I can't change the path he's on. He has to chose to get better. I know I can't force him to be with me, but I feel like after I've been there through thick and thin with him, all through prison, before prison, and after, and 3 relapses, it is just boggling my mind how he can just blank me like this. It's obviously the drugs, and he probably doesn't want to deal with me whilst this woman is there because she comes across as kooky and fun to him, but to me, she messages me things like 'enjoy the divorce bitch, because it's coming' and 'you need to leave him alone because we're together and our love will last a life time.' haha, I mean, what? At the point of that message, she'd known him 3 days. Who thinks like that? So I'm having to deal with abuse from her, stonewalling from him, which I'm struggling to cope with. I can deal with it if he's leaving to be with her, but we're half way through a visa process. Everything I've done here for years is to make sure I can blend in to the USA workforce as smoothly as possible. I've spent a lot of money on the lawyer and filing fees, so I feel like we should at least keep doing the application. The main Green Card has been applied for, but we were trying for a K3 which would get me there sooner, though I wouldn't be able to work until I applied for a permit... I wrote him an email asking him to at least reply to the lawyers, and he did, and they've set up a meeting for Monday. He could have just told them we're not together any more. He didn't reply to my message though, only to the lawyers, and then the confusing thing is, he then sent his dad divorce papers asking him to print them out for him??? wtf? It's just all so confusing.
So I guess what I'm asking, or not even asking anything, I'm just hurt and confused. It's the visa issue I need clarification on asap because I have a job waiting for me. Is he lying to her about divorcing me and just using the form as 'evidence' while he's on his mental breakdown with her? Because I don't understand why he told the lawyers he'd do anything to help the process. It's just mixed messages, and it's effecting my choices. I need to know what to do because I need to adjust a LOT of plans if we get divorced and the visa is rejected. I have a very nice job waiting for me, so this issue is important to me form a career perspective
Also, in time, things change, he might come to his sense, I would be prepared to seek therapy and see if we can muddle through. At the very least, I want to end on an amicable note. I don't want to be bitter about this at all. I've lost like 16lbs in 10 days. (Not that my fatass couldn't do with it, lol) So I'm just wondering what you guys think, or how I should act. I don't want to stress him out. Everyone is on his case already because they all think he's mad to walk away from me, especially the way he's just ghosted. I'm not trying to make him feel worse, I just need some answers regarding legal issues so I can make some smart choices for my own life. Any advice on how to talk to him to make him feel safe? I feel like he won't talk to me until she's not in the picture coz I think he's just stressed out to the max. All the emails I've sent him have been kind, understanding, non-beggy, and letting him know that I know he's going through it right about now. So I'm really trying to keep my self-respect and class. I just don't want to aggravate the situation more. My mental health is at an all time low, and I just want to look after myself, and not have to deal with waiting for a reply, but the reply to the visa is so important because he's gonna leave me with a HUGE legal bill for nothing if he doesn't follow through and I'll have to reconsider my job here in the UK, so if he could give me that, I could move on....
So any thoughts, comments, advice, anyone have any anecdotal similar situations they could tell me about? Or give me some insight as to why he's doing this, would be appreciated... Except ones telling me to leave him. I'm not quite mentally ready to hear that just yet.
As you can see, that was an epically long post despite me saying I was going to be short, so I'm a big fat liar... well a little fat liar after the 16lbs. lol
Thanks for listening and have a good day.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 25
I don't know how you can get him to reply to you for the visa, but I just wanted to say I'm really sorry you have to deal with our labyrinthine immigration system on top of all the usual chaos of loving and leaving an alcoholic. That sounds awful.
I wonder if an immigration rights group or even the UK embassy would be able to help you out in some way?
I wonder if an immigration rights group or even the UK embassy would be able to help you out in some way?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
TillDeath-----I don't mind your being on this forum. I think that we loved ones share many of the same issues. regardless of what our loved ones are addicted to.
If you really want to be on the substance abuse forum, though, you can go the bottom of the main page---on the right hand side---and click on the name of the moderator. You can leave her a message.
If you really want to be on the substance abuse forum, though, you can go the bottom of the main page---on the right hand side---and click on the name of the moderator. You can leave her a message.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Anyways, here's the crooks of my dilemma... I know I can't change the path he's on. He has to chose to get better.
The vast majority of your post was about him and looking for answers about him. Answers about him will not change anything about you. You need answers about you for that to happen.
Spend your time, energy, and efforts in figuring out what makes you tick, Doing so will shed light on why you react, feel, and think the way you do. Subsequently you will gain insight into changes that you can make.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by nez 
spend your time, energy, and efforts in figuring out what makes you tick, doing so will shed light on why you react, feel, and think the way you do. Subsequently you will gain insight into changes that you can make.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I’m sorry for what you are going through but I think it is clear he isn’t going to change. And even if he went to rehab he has to stay there and you would need to give it a good year to even see if he is truly in recovery or not. Of course he would hang on to you. No one else did and I’m sure prison gets lonely and you were willing to be there for him. I’m actually a little surprised that you would qualify for a green card. I know you are married but he was in prison for several years and has yet to prove that he can stay clan and become a productive member of society. The first two years would be a conditional green card. During that time he is responsible for you 100 percent. You would be able to work but if anything happened and you lost your job health insurance etc you would likely be out of luck. You would not qualify for any government services during the first two years of your green card. And I truly think they would question why you would have married a felon. I know you didn’t marry him for the green card but that is how it will look to them for sure. After two years you will have to prove that you have a legit marriage, joint bank accounts etc. Not sure you would want to have a joint bank account with a know drug user. And chances are good he won’t even be clean.
i would find a good therapist for yourself and really explore why you want to be with him because frankly it doesn’t sound like the kind of fun you should be having as a newlywed. Find someone who has experience with addiction. And learn all you can about addiction. Addiction if lifelong even if they chose sobriety and real recovery (which he hasn’t even shown to want). There is always a chance for relapse. It will likely be a dysfunctional relationship and if you have kids that will not be good. Plus he could probably also screw you at anytime during the immigration process saying he wants out. He is already spending time with another girl. Think long and hard before you continue with him is all I can say. Keep reading everyone stories her and you will see a familiar pattern and most of those do not have positive outcomes. Also read codependent no more. It is mostly related to alcohol but same principle.
Do you want to come to the US other than for him? Because if you do I would try and find a job that will sponsor a work visa although under the current circumstances that will likely be pretty tough as work visas have come to a screeching halt due to corona.
I wish you all the best. You deserve someone so much better than what he has to offer you (at least judging from what you have said here). And this board is a little more active than the friends and family of drug add it’s so I would recommend you keep coming to this one too. It’s all the same thing, just a different substance, but we all live the same story whether it is drugs or alcohol.
i would find a good therapist for yourself and really explore why you want to be with him because frankly it doesn’t sound like the kind of fun you should be having as a newlywed. Find someone who has experience with addiction. And learn all you can about addiction. Addiction if lifelong even if they chose sobriety and real recovery (which he hasn’t even shown to want). There is always a chance for relapse. It will likely be a dysfunctional relationship and if you have kids that will not be good. Plus he could probably also screw you at anytime during the immigration process saying he wants out. He is already spending time with another girl. Think long and hard before you continue with him is all I can say. Keep reading everyone stories her and you will see a familiar pattern and most of those do not have positive outcomes. Also read codependent no more. It is mostly related to alcohol but same principle.
Do you want to come to the US other than for him? Because if you do I would try and find a job that will sponsor a work visa although under the current circumstances that will likely be pretty tough as work visas have come to a screeching halt due to corona.
I wish you all the best. You deserve someone so much better than what he has to offer you (at least judging from what you have said here). And this board is a little more active than the friends and family of drug add it’s so I would recommend you keep coming to this one too. It’s all the same thing, just a different substance, but we all live the same story whether it is drugs or alcohol.
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