sdpharm

I’ve been divorced since March 2017. I was married for over 20 years to a man I really didn’t know. It was a difficult divorce for me. We have 2 sons 18 and 23.
i didn’t really date until June 2019. I ran into a guy that I’ve known for 35 years. We began a relationship. He is suffering from an autoimmune disease that has destroyed all the nerves in his lower legs. He can walk, but not steady. After a short time dating, I recognized that he had an alcohol problem. He works from home and can start drinking whatever time of day he wants. He was drinking vodka pretty heavy. He has since put away the vodka and switched to only beer.
About 4 months ago, he moved to the town where I live for us to be closer. Not living together. The drinking is daily! Close to an 18 pack of beer (sometimes more) everyday! This is not something that I’m ok with. I am also very worried about his health. At some point, he has quit seeing a dr for his medical condition. He has a wound on his ankle that is not healing (been there for probably a year) Sometimes it looks infected and extremely swollen other times it looks ok. He refuses to see a dr. I’m truly afraid he will lose his lower leg due to this. Because he has no feeling in his lower legs, it doesn’t bother him.
Im more concerned about his health and drinking than he is. I truly fell in love with him. However, I can’t trust him when it comes to alcohol. He will lie about drinking and how much he drinks. His problems have started to control my life. I actually quit a job because he would call during the day and sound drunk. I just couldn’t cope and felt overwhelmed. I have probably neglected my kids and my family worrying about his well-being.
We’ve discussed his problem over and over. He never denies he has a problem. Says he’s working on it and would go to rehab if he can’t figure it out. It has gotten better since he cut out the vodka, but still too much. I know alcohol is the worst thing he could do for his nerve problems. He will probably end up in a wheelchair if he continues.
Yesterday, I told him I couldn’t do it anymore. I can’t deal with the drinking and won’t watch him kill himself. I’m so sad as I really believe we have something special. I think really believed he would get help. I believe he loves me, but I know this relationship is bringing me down.
i just need to hear reassurance that I’m doing the right thing. I’ve been reading these boards for the last couple of weeks and have learned so much.

thanks to anyone that can help

Ellie323

So sorry you are going through this. I have a close friend who is married to a man who drinks constantly (usually beer) and he will not stop. Her husband does not admit he has a problem, but he often is stumbling around at 6pm from drinking all day. Anyway, I have watched this man implode for years as she is like a sister to me. I can't tell her to leave him, she won't listen. He will not stop. I often have shook my head wondering why she stays. Reading your post made me think about them. I think if you continue on the way you have been why would he bother quitting? Maybe he will make a change when he sees you are serious about ending things. You mention that you have likely neglected your own kids and family worrying about him. You mention that you left a job because of him. Look at the negative toll it is taking on your own life and ask yourself if you think you're doing the right thing. It sounds like you have tried a long time to get him to make some positive changes and he refuses. I think you showed strength in the decision you made and I hope that it helps to get him to make some better decisions for himself. Good luck to you.

ironwill

Hi Sdpharm,

First off sorry for the situation that has brought you here. You are doing the right thing. Just look to the past and think of all the discussion you have had with him on drinking. Did anything change besides going from on form of alcohol to another. Look at how your life has come unglued because of all the drinking and hoping he would get better. You can tell him till your blue in the face . Until he decides that he wants to change he wont. Alcohol has a hold on him and it only get worse the more he drink.

The best thing you can do is start working on yourself and focus on that. I know he is someone special and that you love him. He may love you also, but he loves alcohol more. Remember the three C's. You didn’t CAUSE it; you cannot CONTROL it;and you cannot CURE it. You showed you were strong when you put your foot down and left. Yes it was the correct call. That is no type of life to live. It will only bring you sadness. Know that you did everything you could have done. It's up to him now. Keep being strong and just focus on the day. Look to what brings you happiness. Have a good day.

dandylion

sdpharm--------Not only did you do the right thing----you did the only thing that you Can do---if you want to save your own life.
The 3 Cs that ironwill referred to----You didn't Cause it. You can't Cure it. You can't Control it.
I understand that you feel a special attraction to him---but, it takes more than a love feeling to make a healthy relationship. It takes much more.
Love is not supposed to hurt you---and certainly not supposed to destroy your life---not cause you to lose your livelyhood, neglect your kids, or destroy your mental health.
It is supposed to enrich your life---inspire you and enhance your better self. It is supposed to comfort and enhance inner peace.

Look at his actions---not just words. He is very far along in his addiction to alcohol, from what you have shared. When comes to getting into recovery, it takes a lot of work and continuous committment. Half measures won't do it----and, promises won't do it. He says he will go to rehab---but, is he going? Even if he were to go---keep in mind that rehab is not a magic wand---it is just the first (good) step along the life-long committment to recovery.

I suggest that a good first step for you is to get a copy of "Co-dependent No More", asap. It is an easy read, and I think that a lot of it will resonate with you. It is the most frequently recommended book on this forum.
Do keep reading and learning on this forum. There is sooo much to learn. Knowledge is power.

dandylion

keep hanging around.

LumenandNyx

I'm sure it hurts, but sometimes - doing the right thing hurts. You were able to step outside the dynamics of the relationship and make a sane, logical, adult decision that affects your life. You know the life I'm talking about - the one that matters - the only one you can control - the one that includes your kids - yours.

If you'd been moved to act by anything other than your intuition, you probably wouldn't have made this wise decision.

You're going to be alright.

sdpharm

Thank you, thank you, thank you to all of you! These are exactly the things that I’m thinking, but just needed they affirmation. My brain and my gut know, it’s just my heart that’s trailing behind! I can’t believe it’s so difficult and crazy making. You guys have each said something that impacted me. He has definitely had a negative impact on my life. It’s not me! I had already ordered “Codependent No More” and started it this weekend. It’s amazing how much resonates with me. Also, see that I’m a fixer. I think I’ve been attracted to men that need some work on the inside. Embarrassing to admit, but great to realize. I wonder if it’s even deeper and I feel like they won’t abandon ME if they need me?? I’m not sure, but I am a work in progress.
im so thankful to have found this board. Reading the stories gave me the push I needed and you guys are so awesome to reply so quickly.

trailmix

Hi sdp and welcome. So much good experience and advice above.

I honestly think you did the right thing and I know how hard it is when your emotion is pulling you one way and your head is saying - what are you doing! It's not easy, but it is something you can overcome I believe, but it takes time.

It doesn't sound like he has any intention to quit anytime soon, so what other option did you have really? Can you have a really good relationship with an addict? Not really, no. So your options there were already limited.

This alone says it really, which I'm sure was a defining moment for you. If 18 beers a day is "figuring it out", when is rehab? Switching from Vodka to beer is no solution of course, just changing one drug for another that appears to be less harmful and doesn't get you drunk quite as fast.

One day at a time. Take good care of yourself and start to reclaim your life? Things do get neglected when you are in a relationship that is so high maintenance, sad but true, many people end up isolated.

Keep posting.

sdpharm

@trailmix I saw your comment at the right time! I’m struggling to not contact him. This happened Friday night and we still texted yesterday morning. He decided last minute to go meet another alcoholic friend for the day yesterday. His friend was visiting other friends that live a couple hours away. It was a drink fest as they told him to bring lots of beer. I had said if he really went after our discussion on Friday that I would clearly see where his priorities were. Well, he went. I know I was hurt and sent him a text that an old male friend had sent me just saying hi. I screenshoted the text and sent it to him with a message that thank goodness I had a back up plan. Needless, to say he was ticked and told me not to text him again. I actually feel bad for doing it and I know I was just hurt that he was picking to go drinking over staying home and beginning to work on things. I wanted to hurt him back and I’m not proud of that. I don’t think I really owe him an apology, but still struggling..... I know it was immature of me so please no one bash me for that.
Would it be best to try no contact for awhile?

SparkleKitty

Yes, no contact — at all — would be best right now.

dandylion

sdoharm-------I think that a lot of us have done similar kinds of things while in the desperation of trying to get what we need from a toxic relationship. Who among us is not guilty of doing things, under these circumstances that we would not ever do in other relationships. It shows how a relationship where we feel devalued and under-appreaciated or rejected, in some way can have a powerful effect on us,
LOL----I can even remember Oprah Winfrey describing some really Krazy things she did when an old boyfriend disrespected and caused her to feel rejected. She said that she felt ashamed, later, but, at the time, she was in such pain and fear of abandonment by him.

I, personally, know how awful it feels to be in a relationship where one does not feel valued to the same extent that we value the other person. It is actually worse than being in no intimate relationship, at all.
I think that we all need to feel valued, respected----to be reallly "seen" and to know that we Really Matter.
Unfortunately, some of us can find ourselves in relationships where the other person is not fully able or equipped to give that back to us. It hurts. I think that the best emotion sparing thing to do in such a relationship is to do the OSHA Manuever------beep----beep----beep----back up 200 feet.

sdpharm

Dandylion....thank you! You are right. It’s the feeling rejected. I’m going to do this this time! I know it’s the right thing. I think if I just get through the first few days, I will be ok with stopping contact.

sdpharm

thank you!

Hevyn

Hi sdp - I'm so glad you came here to talk about what's going on. I wish there'd been an SR when my world was falling apart many years ago.
There've been so many good comments & help for you already - I have little to add. Just know that you are saving yourself from a world of heartache. I went through this when my husband began drinking every day, oblivious to the chaos he was causing all around him. I know he loved me, and to this day I still can't imagine why he didn't fight harder to get well and salvage the great life we had. I can tell you're a kind person who wants to be empathetic & not give up on this man. Unfortunately, he's given you no reason to have faith in him. I hope being here has helped ease your anxiety a bit.

sdpharm

Hi Hevyn....I’m so glad I decided to come here and post. All of your comments have helped me so much already. Thank you for your comments. It feels amazing that people I don’t even know have reached out to support me. It really does help me to know that I’m making the right decision. I wish it wasn’t so hard! I’m praying that it will get a little easier everyday, but I know realistically it will probably be up and down.
I keep going back and reading all of the comments.
Thank you all again

Eauchiche

Dear sdpharm
Many other posters here helped me with a former landlord who sounds just like your friend.
The poor gentleman finally died early April after the chronic wound on his foot turned to gangrene. He had two amputations within 3 weeks, then refused to go to rehab to learn the skills needed to ambulate on just one leg. He finally just gave up and died in the middle of the night. I was surprised how quickly it all happened at the end.
I bought a house after he died and brought his cat with me.

In retrospect, he was a classic textbook case of advanced alcoholism, including the people he associated with.

I can tell from your brief posts that you deserve better than this. Thanks for reaching out.

trailmix

Yes you're right, it will get a little easier each day. You are also right that it will be up and down, some days are just easier for this than others. That's why it's important to keep yourself busy.

A couple of things, you might want to write a list of all the miserable things that have gone on. Why? Because after a few days or a week all those "good times" thoughts start to creep in. The mind doesn't necessarily like to dwell on the downside, why would anyone want to? That is the reality of it though. A hard copy list is a good idea so you can just reference it anytime you like, keep it with you, add to it, read it 20 times a day if you need that reinforcement.

Also, be prepared for when/if he contacts you. Once the hangover is over and he is calmer and perhaps lonely, he may well contact you and apologize. Remember that nothing has changed, if you head back you are heading back in to that same insanity. Perhaps prepare what you will say/text - like, I need time alone right now or something along that line.

If you think about it, it's not surprising he chose the party. Alcohol will always be his number one priority, it's the nature of the beast. You will always be second or third. He's not going to stop drinking for you either. Now that might sound harsh but if you read around this forum you will see it over and over. An addiction is a tough taskmaster, it controls him and if you are involved with him it creeps in to your life too, controlling it as well.

It has nothing to do with you personally. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

sdpharm

Ok guys. I’ve done really well until today! It’s amazing all that you can get done when someone else’s problems aren’t consuming you.
He texted me on Tuesday for me to tell my son happy birthday. I said thanks and that was done. He texted me today to tell me something about a mutual friend and added that he thinks about me every day and hopes I’m doing well. I did respond with a short response that I was doing good. But, now I so want to reach out and tell him that I still care. I want to make sure that he knows that I’m watching his actions not his words. I know I’m spinning my wheels, but I’m struggling. I I know you guys will probably say to go no contact, but I’m just not quite there I guess. I know I feel better, but this is hard!

SparkleKitty

The only person who needs to know that you are paying more attention to his actions than his words is YOU.

dandylion

....sdpharm-------keep remembering, over and over, why you had to leave the relationship. You didn't do that for nothing. Right now, you have to keep fighting the tendency for selective recall.
You won't hear any of us, here, say that it is easy. But, we can gurantee that it will get easier, and it won't always feel like this.