FallenAngelina

The only thing that will work is what you figure out works for you. Going no-contact works great for people when they are ready to do it, but only you know when that time has come. If you're not ready, struggling with no-contact only piles guilt upon so many difficult feelings that you already have. Judging yourself for not being "good" and maintaining no-contact will only drag you down even more. The whole crux of co-dependence is that we listen to others more than to our own internal wisdom. Getting healthy with relationships means learning how to learn from others, but honor our own voice first and foremost. Struggling to do what other people tell us is best, even people with great experience and success, without prioritizing or even hearing our own inner voice, is really just more co-dependent thinking. So if you're not ready to go no-contact, you're not ready. Honor where you are, above everything.

What is your community of support? Having a support community is essential for all of this. Nobody does this alone.

trailmix

Contact or no contact, that's up to you. But every time he contacts you perhaps ask yourself, is he still drinking 18 beers a day? That's why you left, you didn't want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic, he still is, nothing at all has changed. That's just a reminder for yourself about why you are no longer in a relationship with him.

He might, overall, be a nice guy with a good heart, but he's still an addict. Above all else his addiction will always come first. As strange as that sounds, it's really pretty normal in the world of addiction. Your "real world" example of this is you love him, he loves you (to the best of his ability) he misses you and probably would like you to come back to the relationship. Soooo did he stop drinking in order to do that? No.

You can't love him enough to make him "better", your attention will not get him to rehab, your kind words, your listening and discussing and suggesting, will not change this, he is who he is and he will do what he wants to do. He doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, it's not meant to, but it is the truth. He wants to drink and is, you don't want him to and that makes no difference.

You know, you can't really ever have any kind of normal relationship with an addict.

sdpharm

You all have such amazing words. I do know and believe everything you are saying. I 100% know you are right. It’s crazy, but I wish he was mean or abusive when he’s drinking. He’s not at all. Usually the opposite. I think that just makes it harder for me. I, also, feel like I understand how he got to this point. He was a professional baseball player, quit when his dad passed away to help take care of his mom and handicapped brother. Then developed the autoimmune disease and lost so much mobility after being a top athlete. I get the depression. He really can’t just go for a walk or work in the yard. These aren’t excuses!!! I just understand how it came to be. He divorced 10 years ago and has lacked social especially since he works from home. Ugh! It’s not okay, but I can see how it happened is all I’m saying. He’s never denied having a problem, he knows it’s a problem!
I’m just going to continue to work on myself and my confidence. If I could stop the need to control it, I almost think I could maintain a friendship. We were friends for 30 years before starting the relationship. We just lived in different cities. I never knew he had such a problem because the times I saw him were social events where drinking was the norm.
i feel like I’m rambling....I’m sorry! Please continue with your thoughts, advice and personal stories! I
NEED TO HEAR IT!!!

sdpharm

I meant to say lacked social support

FallenAngelina

What is your community of support and wellness right now?

trailmix

I completely understand what you mean about understanding how it happened. I understand that too. Maybe drinking 18 beers a day suits him just fine, it's not for me to judge.

However, the only focus here really needs to be about you. He will be fine, he is drunk everyday and probably not too worried about much, you on the other hand have been hurt, That is the reality of addiction. That is the boundary you made and only you can keep.

We really can't expect people to change for us. He is an alcoholic and he is enjoying it or at least participating in it. You said:

That's exactly what you would have to do to be his friend, friends aren't nagging friends all the time (well they might be but they aren't friends for long lol). To stop that need you just have to accept you can't control it. That is the truth.

Maybe try to apply it in reverse to yourself. Have you ever needed to lose some weight? What if every time you went to eat something that wasn't on your eating plan he looked at you out of the corner of his eye, maybe said, are you sure you want that cookie? When you go out to dinner he says - you are having the salad right? When you go to lunch with friends to celebrate something so have an enchilada for a treat, when you walk in the door he immediately asks you what you had to eat and how many calories there are in that.

People's disapproval is not easy to take. It's kind of a rejection of who you are. Please know I'm not defending his behaviour in any way or not, just hopefully, maybe helping you to see that accepting someone's alcoholism isn't about just biting your tongue, it's about having respect for the person and their choices.

You might find these (very good) articles helpful:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

sdpharm

I truly have lots of friends, my mom and sister who are there to listen and support me. They love him too, which makes it a little difficult. My dad was always a high functioning alcoholic. Stopped drinking in the last year he was alive. I know it affected me and makes it easier for my family to accept someone with an alcohol problem. My guy and my dad are actually similar in that they are/were the life of the party. Always happy/fun drunks. My dad always managed to maintain his business and family.
I have 2 adult sons that are amazing. They do not drink.

dandylion

sdpharm-----there are really some hard realities here. The reality that the alcoholism is in control of him. The alcoholism cares about nothing and no one---it is a powerful force that needs to simply continue to exist. It does not care about your boyfriend's autoimmune disease, and the loss of his athletic career---or his difficult family circumstances. Neither does it care about how you put your future hopes and dreams into your boyfriend---nor does it care about your internal pain or struggles, right now.
The only thing that can flatten the alcoholism, at this point, is to put it into remission by a life long intensely worked program of recovery---like AA.
It doesn't matter that you knew him from many years ago---or what your family thinks of him. It doesn't care a twit about you.
The alcoholism will still do what it intends to do---and it will have its way.

Please remember this when you might feel overcome by the FOG
F--fear
O--obligation
G--guilt

In light of what you have shared about your dad----I think it would be very illuminating for you to look into Adult Children of Alcoholics (or dysfunctional families). group. If there are no meetings near you, You could, at least, read their "Big Book" and their literature. You will find a lot of their material on amazon.com---in the book section. Just type in Adult Children of Alcoholics---in the book section.
Does it seem like a coincedence to you that your boyfriend and father have so much in common?

FallenAngelina

sdpharm, almost every city in the US has one or several Alanon groups that are focused on adult children of alcoholics. If you look up Alanon meetings in your area, you're very likely to find many kindred spirits who meet regularly, are healing and are enjoying better lives. I mention Alanon because that's how you'll find the adult children meetings.

sdpharm

Thank you! I’m going to look into it. I know I could benefit. I’m just realizing how much I was affected by alcohol growing up and how it has probably affected my choices in partners. Crazy....I’m almost 51 years old!

FallenAngelina

I didn't put it all together til I was 55, but I can tell you that once you start connecting the dots, you can make some wonderful changes. There is so much more life ahead and we both are young! I committed to working on my drastic issues and now life is largely drama-free with my family and my BF. We have so much freedom and ability to create peaceful fulfilling lives, no matter the circumstances - and a lot of time left to enjoy them. I'm so happy to know that you're on your way.