Toxic Alcoholic ex-boyfriend. Taking my life back!
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Join Date: Jul 2020
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Toxic Alcoholic ex-boyfriend. Taking my life back!
Just going to put this out there for clarity! I have a dilemma!!!
I got a call from a Brewery yesterday. I’m hired-$20 an hour; twice what I’m making now! But, here’s the dilemma—I broke up with a very verbally abusive alcoholic man a year ago that works in the same building, we dated 3 years; we would be on different shifts, he’s on first, I’m on third. We wouldn’t see each other except on OT when the shifts overlap for four hours. I use to live with him, I broke up with him last August. He asked for a reconciliation. I said no. He evicted me as I was moving out; it was dismissed due to an illegal eviction; I had found another place. Last month his brother died, I felt a moral sense of obligation to extend my condolences. His only response was, “I WILL get a restraining order.” I did not respond! Before I moved out he full-force drenched me with a garden hose as I was packing my things while walking through his yard. I called the police, and filed a report. He has called me the “c” word, crazy bitch, his mental patient, etc. He has thrown beer in my face, turned the electricity off on me (my apartment upstairs), for three days during a hot summer, gone into alcoholic rages, etc. It was a toxic relationship. I so have moved on. He was someone from my childhood, so I kept thinking things would change, 😝 lol in him (his abuse stemmed from his alcoholism).
My dilemma. I would see him at work, but only on OT. He has seniority, so he may not even choose to work it! I’m recently divorced (three years ago). I need a good job to retire. The health insurance is excellent, and age discrimination is abound in seeking a good paying job! I applied for over 100 jobs three years ago, with no results. It’s mostly automated, I’m told at CB; I’m right now working at a job packing labels coming down up to 14 bins, and palletizing up to 500 boxes a night for 12 hour shifts with only 10 minute breaks (one 20 minute break), it’s physically exhausting! I never have a full weekend off; CB is Monday-Friday, eight hours! The shift where I’m working now is extremely toxic! I would make a good living at this Brewery; it would enable me to buy a nice house, and save for retirement. He would absolutely go into a rage!!!! I’m expecting the worse, as he’s a union steward, as well. He’s a narcissist, (and aggressive) so he’s going to think I’m following him!
Any thoughts? Any clarity or observations on this would be welcomed!
I got a call from a Brewery yesterday. I’m hired-$20 an hour; twice what I’m making now! But, here’s the dilemma—I broke up with a very verbally abusive alcoholic man a year ago that works in the same building, we dated 3 years; we would be on different shifts, he’s on first, I’m on third. We wouldn’t see each other except on OT when the shifts overlap for four hours. I use to live with him, I broke up with him last August. He asked for a reconciliation. I said no. He evicted me as I was moving out; it was dismissed due to an illegal eviction; I had found another place. Last month his brother died, I felt a moral sense of obligation to extend my condolences. His only response was, “I WILL get a restraining order.” I did not respond! Before I moved out he full-force drenched me with a garden hose as I was packing my things while walking through his yard. I called the police, and filed a report. He has called me the “c” word, crazy bitch, his mental patient, etc. He has thrown beer in my face, turned the electricity off on me (my apartment upstairs), for three days during a hot summer, gone into alcoholic rages, etc. It was a toxic relationship. I so have moved on. He was someone from my childhood, so I kept thinking things would change, 😝 lol in him (his abuse stemmed from his alcoholism).
My dilemma. I would see him at work, but only on OT. He has seniority, so he may not even choose to work it! I’m recently divorced (three years ago). I need a good job to retire. The health insurance is excellent, and age discrimination is abound in seeking a good paying job! I applied for over 100 jobs three years ago, with no results. It’s mostly automated, I’m told at CB; I’m right now working at a job packing labels coming down up to 14 bins, and palletizing up to 500 boxes a night for 12 hour shifts with only 10 minute breaks (one 20 minute break), it’s physically exhausting! I never have a full weekend off; CB is Monday-Friday, eight hours! The shift where I’m working now is extremely toxic! I would make a good living at this Brewery; it would enable me to buy a nice house, and save for retirement. He would absolutely go into a rage!!!! I’m expecting the worse, as he’s a union steward, as well. He’s a narcissist, (and aggressive) so he’s going to think I’m following him!
Any thoughts? Any clarity or observations on this would be welcomed!
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Some things to think on;
If it's been that much of a challenge to find a good job, I'd take it.
At the 1st disparaging remark or action he takes against you, I'd document it and report it if it's threatening. I might also share the issue and any new experiences with your ex with someone in a position of authority. You need to cover your butt with another human who is outside the drama.
It looks like there's potential for a real nasty explosion if you two encountered each other and that would be most unfortunate. Do what you have to to protect yourself and ask yourself if the possibility of that explosion is worth the job in the first place. Only you can answer that. Also - ask yourself if there's some part of you that might be looking for some payback. Ugly relationships can be twisted and they can screw with our sensible thinking. The aftermath of an ugly break up can be even worse because we're left with torturous thoughts without the person there to inflict them on. Sometimes, when we feel we've been wronged, we can unconsciously attempt to get even or stir the pot without realizing it.
If it's been that much of a challenge to find a good job, I'd take it.
At the 1st disparaging remark or action he takes against you, I'd document it and report it if it's threatening. I might also share the issue and any new experiences with your ex with someone in a position of authority. You need to cover your butt with another human who is outside the drama.
It looks like there's potential for a real nasty explosion if you two encountered each other and that would be most unfortunate. Do what you have to to protect yourself and ask yourself if the possibility of that explosion is worth the job in the first place. Only you can answer that. Also - ask yourself if there's some part of you that might be looking for some payback. Ugly relationships can be twisted and they can screw with our sensible thinking. The aftermath of an ugly break up can be even worse because we're left with torturous thoughts without the person there to inflict them on. Sometimes, when we feel we've been wronged, we can unconsciously attempt to get even or stir the pot without realizing it.
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No payback!
Originally Posted by LumenandNyx 
Some things to think on;
If it's been that much of a challenge to find a good job, I'd take it.
At the 1st disparaging remark or action he takes against you, I'd document it and report it if it's threatening. I might also share the issue and any new experiences with your ex with someone in a position of authority. You need to cover your butt with another human who is outside the drama.
It looks like there's potential for a real nasty explosion if you two encountered each other and that would be most unfortunate. Do what you have to to protect yourself and ask yourself if the possibility of that explosion is worth the job in the first place. Only you can answer that. Also - ask yourself if there's some part of you that might be looking for some payback. Ugly relationships can be twisted and they can screw with our sensible thinking. The aftermath of an ugly break up can be even worse because we're left with torturous thoughts without the person there to inflict them on. Sometimes, when we feel we've been wronged, we can unconsciously attempt to get even or stir the pot without realizing it.
If it's been that much of a challenge to find a good job, I'd take it.
At the 1st disparaging remark or action he takes against you, I'd document it and report it if it's threatening. I might also share the issue and any new experiences with your ex with someone in a position of authority. You need to cover your butt with another human who is outside the drama.
It looks like there's potential for a real nasty explosion if you two encountered each other and that would be most unfortunate. Do what you have to to protect yourself and ask yourself if the possibility of that explosion is worth the job in the first place. Only you can answer that. Also - ask yourself if there's some part of you that might be looking for some payback. Ugly relationships can be twisted and they can screw with our sensible thinking. The aftermath of an ugly break up can be even worse because we're left with torturous thoughts without the person there to inflict them on. Sometimes, when we feel we've been wronged, we can unconsciously attempt to get even or stir the pot without realizing it.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
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HR tired of him!
He is not well-liked by a lot of his co-workers. Let him dig his own grave, if he causes drama over this! I plan to not speak of him to anyone, and focus on my job. He has relationship issues with others in the workplace. I owe it to myself to see if I can do this! He may relent after some thought!
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Join Date: Oct 2004
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I think you would be well served to take this job.
In navigating larger workplaces, my tactic has been to 'not see' people. I don't make eye contact unless it's someone I'm talking to. My eyes are looking where I'm going, not acknowledging people (at least, people I don't get on with). I avoided charges of favoritism by not chatting a lot with any one person. ("Gotta go. I have work to do) To happen into a job like this *at a time like this* is fortunate, indeed. I know you say you're over him, but the tone of your postings sounds as if you are still very emotional over him and the situation. (Just look at all the exclamation marks when you write about him) He tried to throw you out, soaked you with a hose, basically told you that if YOU straightened up, you'd be welcome back but otherwise, NO - - - then you felt 'obligated' to send condolences to someone who had been very, very, very clear he wanted you out of his life. He really and truly wants nothing to do with you. It may be stupid to reject people who love him, but it is his right.
He may not be well-liked, - but - no one held a gun to his colleagues' heads and made them vote for him as shop steward. There IS some loyalty or respect there, so proceed with caution.
Your last comment, "He may relent after some thought" sounds like you are still very attached and wanting a relationship. Make sure you're doing this for the right reasons. I don't think he's coming back to you, and your last sentence is a puzzling one that hints that's your goal.
In navigating larger workplaces, my tactic has been to 'not see' people. I don't make eye contact unless it's someone I'm talking to. My eyes are looking where I'm going, not acknowledging people (at least, people I don't get on with). I avoided charges of favoritism by not chatting a lot with any one person. ("Gotta go. I have work to do) To happen into a job like this *at a time like this* is fortunate, indeed. I know you say you're over him, but the tone of your postings sounds as if you are still very emotional over him and the situation. (Just look at all the exclamation marks when you write about him) He tried to throw you out, soaked you with a hose, basically told you that if YOU straightened up, you'd be welcome back but otherwise, NO - - - then you felt 'obligated' to send condolences to someone who had been very, very, very clear he wanted you out of his life. He really and truly wants nothing to do with you. It may be stupid to reject people who love him, but it is his right.
He may not be well-liked, - but - no one held a gun to his colleagues' heads and made them vote for him as shop steward. There IS some loyalty or respect there, so proceed with caution.
Your last comment, "He may relent after some thought" sounds like you are still very attached and wanting a relationship. Make sure you're doing this for the right reasons. I don't think he's coming back to you, and your last sentence is a puzzling one that hints that's your goal.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Personally, I would take the job, if for no other reason than it pays twice what you are making now.
Here is the disclaimer though. While working there I would be aware that the job could end at any time (I would also be keeping my eye on job postings elsewhere).
If he is a true narcissist or has incredibly high narcissistic qualities or if he is just a vengeful person, he need never speak to you or see you to undermine you within your workplace. As Velma mentioned, people appointed him shop steward, there is a reason he chose that position and a reason they put him there.
That means you are going to have to be beyond reproach at all times. That sounds easy, you just do your job well right? Well no, not if someone is trying to undermine you. That may cause you stress (this is worst case scenario of course).
You will need to ignore him completely. If he says hello, you might respond with "hello" and keep on moving, but nothing other than that, ever, no matter how innocent it seems. Also keep in mind that at some point he could be promoted to a supervisory position.
With all those disclaimers, if you think you can handle it, go for it!
Here is the disclaimer though. While working there I would be aware that the job could end at any time (I would also be keeping my eye on job postings elsewhere).
If he is a true narcissist or has incredibly high narcissistic qualities or if he is just a vengeful person, he need never speak to you or see you to undermine you within your workplace. As Velma mentioned, people appointed him shop steward, there is a reason he chose that position and a reason they put him there.
That means you are going to have to be beyond reproach at all times. That sounds easy, you just do your job well right? Well no, not if someone is trying to undermine you. That may cause you stress (this is worst case scenario of course).
You will need to ignore him completely. If he says hello, you might respond with "hello" and keep on moving, but nothing other than that, ever, no matter how innocent it seems. Also keep in mind that at some point he could be promoted to a supervisory position.
With all those disclaimers, if you think you can handle it, go for it!
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
Remember, too: he tried to evict you, and has already threatened to get a restraining order. The fact that the eviction was done *incorrectly or illegally* doesn't negate the obvious intention to remove you from his life. He's holding an ace or two if he wants to claim you're stalking him. It would be unwise to overplay your own hand.
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Originally Posted by velma929
I think you would be well served to take this job.
In navigating larger workplaces, my tactic has been to 'not see' people. I don't make eye contact unless it's someone I'm talking to. My eyes are looking where I'm going, not acknowledging people (at least, people I don't get on with). I avoided charges of favoritism by not chatting a lot with any one person. ("Gotta go. I have work to do) To happen into a job like this *at a time like this* is fortunate, indeed. I know you say you're over him, but the tone of your postings sounds as if you are still very emotional over him and the situation. (Just look at all the exclamation marks when you write about him) He tried to throw you out, soaked you with a hose, basically told you that if YOU straightened up, you'd be welcome back but otherwise, NO - - - then you felt 'obligated' to send condolences to someone who had been very, very, very clear he wanted you out of his life. He really and truly wants nothing to do with you. It may be stupid to reject people who love him, but it is his right.
He may not be well-liked, - but - no one held a gun to his colleagues' heads and made them vote for him as shop steward. There IS some loyalty or respect there, so proceed with caution.
Your last comment, "He may relent after some thought" sounds like you are still very attached and wanting a relationship. Make sure you're doing this for the right reasons. I don't think he's coming back to you, and your last sentence is a puzzling one that hints that's your goal.
In navigating larger workplaces, my tactic has been to 'not see' people. I don't make eye contact unless it's someone I'm talking to. My eyes are looking where I'm going, not acknowledging people (at least, people I don't get on with). I avoided charges of favoritism by not chatting a lot with any one person. ("Gotta go. I have work to do) To happen into a job like this *at a time like this* is fortunate, indeed. I know you say you're over him, but the tone of your postings sounds as if you are still very emotional over him and the situation. (Just look at all the exclamation marks when you write about him) He tried to throw you out, soaked you with a hose, basically told you that if YOU straightened up, you'd be welcome back but otherwise, NO - - - then you felt 'obligated' to send condolences to someone who had been very, very, very clear he wanted you out of his life. He really and truly wants nothing to do with you. It may be stupid to reject people who love him, but it is his right.
He may not be well-liked, - but - no one held a gun to his colleagues' heads and made them vote for him as shop steward. There IS some loyalty or respect there, so proceed with caution.
Your last comment, "He may relent after some thought" sounds like you are still very attached and wanting a relationship. Make sure you're doing this for the right reasons. I don't think he's coming back to you, and your last sentence is a puzzling one that hints that's your goal.
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He, at one time, was bitterly angry for my refusal to reconcile. A year later it appears he is still bitter, for it was just a month ago, after his brother died, and I sent my condolences via to him and his family, that he threatened a restraining order.
I will never have another opportunity like this again. I would not be working side by side with him , but, as I said, there would be overlap of the shifts due to overtime. I’m living in a dumpy studio, an unreliable car, no savings, and scared about not having a retirement. Don’t know what to do!!!!!!!!!!
Him: “However, if you fully establish yourself in some other residence (I had already moved out), leave me alone, and then later approach me as a new acquaintance, I may speak to you and get to know you again, hopefully, as a new person.” My response: “Severing all contact.”
I will never have another opportunity like this again. I would not be working side by side with him , but, as I said, there would be overlap of the shifts due to overtime. I’m living in a dumpy studio, an unreliable car, no savings, and scared about not having a retirement. Don’t know what to do!!!!!!!!!!
Him: “However, if you fully establish yourself in some other residence (I had already moved out), leave me alone, and then later approach me as a new acquaintance, I may speak to you and get to know you again, hopefully, as a new person.” My response: “Severing all contact.”
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He is angry that I refuse to reconcile! Is threats to get a restraining order is to hurt me! I wish I had gotten out sooner; but I didn’t! I have broken away from the co-dependency. I have been by myself for a year! He told me he filed the eviction due to his fear that he could be removed from his home if I filed domestic abuse charges on him (garden hose). Now I want something good for myself—this job! I don’t know what to do!
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Juneberries------have you thought of consulting with a domestic lawyer to gain more information as to your rights in this situation? Domestic/family lawyers must see this kind of situation, all of the time.
I am not a lawyer by any stretch of imagination---but, I would assume that he cannot just get a restraining order for stalking just on his whim. We do have laws and courts and processes to go through.
That is why I suggest that you talk to someone (a specialty lawyer) that knows what she/he is talking about. If you were to call the local domestic abuse organization, they may know the best lawyer to refer you to. You can also call your local bar association for some referral names. In many cases, the first consultation is free, and you may not need more than one or two consultations.
I am not a lawyer by any stretch of imagination---but, I would assume that he cannot just get a restraining order for stalking just on his whim. We do have laws and courts and processes to go through.
That is why I suggest that you talk to someone (a specialty lawyer) that knows what she/he is talking about. If you were to call the local domestic abuse organization, they may know the best lawyer to refer you to. You can also call your local bar association for some referral names. In many cases, the first consultation is free, and you may not need more than one or two consultations.
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