Back Again.....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Of course it makes you sad. It's sad! As long as you understand that it has nothing to do with your worth and value as human being, and everything to do with his.
It is sad that he is not able to form genuine relationships where people give of themselves freely, but is so insecure that he feels he must use and manipulate others to fulfill his needs.
It is sad that he is not able to form genuine relationships where people give of themselves freely, but is so insecure that he feels he must use and manipulate others to fulfill his needs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,998
Ugh Angel. This is rough. I would think you will have ups and downs for awhile after this. Not fun.
After many many years, I can still feel some of the attachment to my Qualifier . . . it is a kind of, "aren't I important??" . . . . "Didn't our time together mean something?" . . . . I understand now, that his addictions and our lives were and continue to be so much bigger than my youthful fantasies and immaturities. I remember with compassion who I was at that time but can't unsee the reality that I now understand . . . .I don't know if that makes any sense.
Please take care of yourself. This is tough even though you are certainly wiser than when you first left him.
After many many years, I can still feel some of the attachment to my Qualifier . . . it is a kind of, "aren't I important??" . . . . "Didn't our time together mean something?" . . . . I understand now, that his addictions and our lives were and continue to be so much bigger than my youthful fantasies and immaturities. I remember with compassion who I was at that time but can't unsee the reality that I now understand . . . .I don't know if that makes any sense.
Please take care of yourself. This is tough even though you are certainly wiser than when you first left him.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
angel-----here is another way to look at it---------alcoholics, in the clutch of their addiction are emotional messes---and, the responsibilities of a mature and stable relationship seem to be too much for them to live up to. I would be sure that he was genuinely attracted to you, at the time(s) and even had emotional feelings toward you---but, didn't have what it takes---just not equipped to live up to his promises.
I am quite sure that you have some really great qualities that a person would be attracted to.
The important thing for you to remember that regardless of Him---your feelings and intentions were Real and genuine. All you did was invest your self into a person who was not equipped to respond in kind. I am sure, also, that he must have had some good qualities that you were attracted to, also (minus the alcoholism).
Those---alcoholics---who are not equipped to function, are very attracted to those who can function and share their resources---especially, those who may have some great, attractive qualities---like yourself.
I know that you have learned a lot through this experience. This is the way of life---we live and we learn.
It was not all a waste---and you must not think less of yourself for having gone through it.
I am glad that you got out of it, though.
I am quite sure that you have some really great qualities that a person would be attracted to.
The important thing for you to remember that regardless of Him---your feelings and intentions were Real and genuine. All you did was invest your self into a person who was not equipped to respond in kind. I am sure, also, that he must have had some good qualities that you were attracted to, also (minus the alcoholism).
Those---alcoholics---who are not equipped to function, are very attracted to those who can function and share their resources---especially, those who may have some great, attractive qualities---like yourself.
I know that you have learned a lot through this experience. This is the way of life---we live and we learn.
It was not all a waste---and you must not think less of yourself for having gone through it.
I am glad that you got out of it, though.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 25
Having to re-read all of your comments and advice this morning....Having a rough day. Trying to determine why it is so hard to get someone out of your head whose addiction caused so much grief and turmoil. Watching him move on is like watching a car wreck. I know I should not actively seek out his social media updates, but I can't help it. I was the one who ended the toxic relationship, so why is this so hard? I don't ever want to go back to that, and understand that everyone deserves to find happiness, but seeing him very quickly commit to another woman is tough.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hey Angel -- I know you know that going back to check up on his social media is like putting your hand on a hot stove, over and over again, forcing yourself to re-start the healing process and separation every time.
Why do you assume that his "commitment" to someone else is anything other than him running headlong into the next delusion that he is okay? He's the same person he was with you. He has not magically changed. This other woman is not anymore capable of changing him than you were. They might deserve your compassion, but they do not warrant your attention. If you can get past the idea that his actions are any reflection on you and your worth, you will begin to move on.
Why do you assume that his "commitment" to someone else is anything other than him running headlong into the next delusion that he is okay? He's the same person he was with you. He has not magically changed. This other woman is not anymore capable of changing him than you were. They might deserve your compassion, but they do not warrant your attention. If you can get past the idea that his actions are any reflection on you and your worth, you will begin to move on.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Angel-----we humans are very social beings. We are connected by powerful social bonding. This is what has allowed us to develop and survive, as we have, as a species. While bonding with a mate is necessary and important---when those bonds are disrupted or broken, it is very painful. If it wasn't painful, we humans wouldn't have stuck together like we have. So, in ways, the very pain of disrupted or broken bonds has a protective function for society, at large.
Having said this----I have never seen this explanation, of why breakups are painful, ever satisfy a person who is grieving the loss of a relationship. Intellectual understanding doesn't seem to relieve the pain. The pain comes from the emotional areas, that are located in deeper, older parts of the brain, developmentally speaking, Our more intellectual area of the brain is located in the frontal part of the brain---where logic, judgement, etc., is located.
Grief is a process that helps us to accept, and, eventually---eventually---heal enough to go on living our life. It takes time, and, as is frequently said "time takes time".
I think that when someone asks the question "why does it hurt so much?", it is actually a rhetorical question---more of a statement than an actual question. I think that we are stating--"I am in so much pain and I want relief from this pain". I understand that, because, I have been there, myself. and I cannot overstate how incredibly painful the whole thing was. It was horrible.
There are some things that we can do to keep ourselves afloat while going through the pain---to keep ourselves from being hobbled by it. Sort of like when we take a pain medication to make the pain of a broken leg more bearable while we are waiting for the healing.
Having said this----I have never seen this explanation, of why breakups are painful, ever satisfy a person who is grieving the loss of a relationship. Intellectual understanding doesn't seem to relieve the pain. The pain comes from the emotional areas, that are located in deeper, older parts of the brain, developmentally speaking, Our more intellectual area of the brain is located in the frontal part of the brain---where logic, judgement, etc., is located.
Grief is a process that helps us to accept, and, eventually---eventually---heal enough to go on living our life. It takes time, and, as is frequently said "time takes time".
I think that when someone asks the question "why does it hurt so much?", it is actually a rhetorical question---more of a statement than an actual question. I think that we are stating--"I am in so much pain and I want relief from this pain". I understand that, because, I have been there, myself. and I cannot overstate how incredibly painful the whole thing was. It was horrible.
There are some things that we can do to keep ourselves afloat while going through the pain---to keep ourselves from being hobbled by it. Sort of like when we take a pain medication to make the pain of a broken leg more bearable while we are waiting for the healing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Originally Posted by Angel65 
. . . but seeing him very quickly commit to another woman is tough.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Yes it is tough and healthyagain's response is so spot on in how this has gone. He has a new person who either ignores or accepts his drinking. You can't have a relationship with an addict, well you can but not like any "normal" relationship. You will ALWAYS be second to the drug, whatever it is, as you well know.
Moving on? He obviously needs someone in his life and he has found someone to put up with him, for now. He stalked out and came to your house and she took him back, I think that really shows you what's going on there.
It hurts, as Dandylion points out, all you can do right now is look after yourself and try to mitigate the hurt. Keep busy, try to focus on other things, watch movies, do things you normally enjoy (even if they aren't that much fun right now). Eventually it will come right, you will slowly move out of it, but it will take time. Hang in there.
Moving on? He obviously needs someone in his life and he has found someone to put up with him, for now. He stalked out and came to your house and she took him back, I think that really shows you what's going on there.
It hurts, as Dandylion points out, all you can do right now is look after yourself and try to mitigate the hurt. Keep busy, try to focus on other things, watch movies, do things you normally enjoy (even if they aren't that much fun right now). Eventually it will come right, you will slowly move out of it, but it will take time. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hi Angel - just to say 'I feel your pain', although my Ex-A hasn't yet announced the new supply (this time). He did do that last time (back in Feb) and then told me how she just wasn't like me and it was me he really loved and I got sucked back in. Boy, do I regret that now that I'm back having to deal with the next (predictable) breakup from scratch again. I suspect now that his new woman (if she ever did exist) wasn't as codie as me and didn't suffer his behaviour. NOW I think I'd be selfishly grateful to hear mine had moved on. I'm only a couple of days into this new period. Have woken up this morning and contacted a few of my old friends (of the trusted variety) and asked if they fancy a coffee and catch-up. One has come back to me and I'm meeting her tomorrow (just realising that she's been my friend for 20 years and I haven't made time for her once since my Ex-A took over my life - isn't that horrible). Anyway - I've decided to devote my energy to self-healing and mending bridges so that I can surround myself with the healthy, loving people.
Your thread is really helpful to me at the moment, so thank-you.
BB
Your thread is really helpful to me at the moment, so thank-you.
BB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 25
Hello all,
I have had a much better day today. I've been keeping two things in my head that you guys said to me yesterday. Sparklekitty, your comment about holding my hand over a hot stove/restarting the healing really resonated with me. I have not looked at his social media at all since yesterday morning. Everything time I'm tempted, I think about what you said and immediately stop myself. Also, Healthyagain, your comment about the frog and the lilypads was super helpful. When I think about him with his new woman (who I think he is marrying this weekend after about 8 weeks of dating), i just think of her as the next leaf/enabler, and I'm very thankful that is no longer me! I know they're away this weekend together at a place we used to love to go. (I remember, though, when we went there the last time he was so drunk most of the time it was an embarrassment, and a very volatile weekend...) This week he took the privacy setting off of his Instagram so I guess he wants me to be able to see what he is up to with her, especially given the location and potential wedding (joke), but I will not look. In fact, I have a date tonight. Brighter days ahead!
Berrybean, so glad this thread is helpful to you. I also shut my closest friends out of my life while my alcoholic ex bf was in my life, and I stopped doing everything I loved. I won't ever do that again! Time to take care of me
I have had a much better day today. I've been keeping two things in my head that you guys said to me yesterday. Sparklekitty, your comment about holding my hand over a hot stove/restarting the healing really resonated with me. I have not looked at his social media at all since yesterday morning. Everything time I'm tempted, I think about what you said and immediately stop myself. Also, Healthyagain, your comment about the frog and the lilypads was super helpful. When I think about him with his new woman (who I think he is marrying this weekend after about 8 weeks of dating), i just think of her as the next leaf/enabler, and I'm very thankful that is no longer me! I know they're away this weekend together at a place we used to love to go. (I remember, though, when we went there the last time he was so drunk most of the time it was an embarrassment, and a very volatile weekend...) This week he took the privacy setting off of his Instagram so I guess he wants me to be able to see what he is up to with her, especially given the location and potential wedding (joke), but I will not look. In fact, I have a date tonight. Brighter days ahead!
Berrybean, so glad this thread is helpful to you. I also shut my closest friends out of my life while my alcoholic ex bf was in my life, and I stopped doing everything I loved. I won't ever do that again! Time to take care of me
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,998
Good to hear you are doing a bit better Angel. Is there anyway you can block this guy so seeing him is not an option? I blocked my qualifier on facebook but I don't know how instagram works. . . . . .that being said, I have to admit that I do look him up every few years . . . . I'm not proud of this and do not recommend it . . . ugh.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
I am really happy to hear you are feeling better, Angel! And I agree with Bekindalways 100%. Block him. You cannot control his Instagram settings, but you sure can control yours 
. As for his super fast marriage, that has red flags all over. But he hopped somewhere else, and it is not your circus, not your monkeys anymore. Enjoy your freedom!
. As for his super fast marriage, that has red flags all over. But he hopped somewhere else, and it is not your circus, not your monkeys anymore. Enjoy your freedom!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
